Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to split things in a new relationship when one earns masses more than you?

242 replies

datingred · 16/08/2023 14:17

So I know the general consensus on here is if you are married/committed with kids that everyone should either put their money in the same pot, or you should split things in proportion to what you earn, but what about early on in a relationship?

I'm struggling to decide how I feel in a new relationship (3 months) with a wonderful man but he's not as obviously generous as I'm used to and it's sort of grating on me (yes, I'm prepared to be flamed..!)

I think he earns 3 or 4 times more than me (perhaps even more than that) and he's on a minimum of £150k...maybe more like £200k or more.. I know he also has masses of disposable income and is planning on remodelling his house (nothing wrong with it - just choosing to turn it into his ideal house).

He's made a comment in passing about having had one ex that was after him for his money so I feel like he's made it a delicate subject - although I appreciate money always is!

Generally (because of the above, and also because generally I always offer) we have been taking it in turns or splitting things when we go out. A couple of times I have paid and maybe 4 times he has paid. He has probably paid for things slightly more than me - i.e we have 3 rounds of drinks and he's paid first and I've paid 2nd so he's paid 3rd and last though. So it's not like he's not generous at all..

I'm just struggling to decide if I'm being totally unreasonable to expect, at this early stage, him to consider the fact that he earns multiples of my salary and therefore ought to perhaps pay a bit more often or not? I guess I feel like if you're in a committed, loving relationship with someone and you're doing something that week that costs one of you, say, 60%-70% of your fun spending money for the week and the other one, say, 10% of the spending money, that perhaps you'd think more often that you should pay? I would if the situations were reversed...but of course I earn a LOT less and have a LOT less disposable income.

There have also been a few times were he has let me pay for something (say a takeaway at his place) where he said he would pay me back and he hasn't and it's grating me.. I know it'll be because he earns a lot and so £30 here and there means nothing to him but it does to me! But then it feels awkward/mean to ask for it.

What are people's thoughts? At what stage does what each other earns come into play to adjust things away from 50/50 split?

No kids on either part...

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/08/2023 07:42

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 05:31

We even did touch on future plans and he seemed to say the right things about if we were having children in the future then I was on mat leave and how would things work and he said something along the lines of at that stage "what's mine is yours" etc...

Bizarre conversation to have at 3 months in 😂and it definitely tells you nothing and could just be saying the 'right things' as you said

I agree.

I also think his mentioning his ex was strategic.

Likely meant to put the OP on notice that he would be taking note, and it has, whilst trying to tell her what a big catch he is.

The OP's suggestion that they pay for a date each would have given him the opportunity to show the OP he's not very focused on money, which I absolutely think he is, but he didn't want that at all.

Listen to your gut OP and stop trying to keep up with him financially, he's way ahead of you IMO.

Lorey82 · 19/08/2023 07:47

I would say at this stage that you need to treat the financial side just as you would do if it were a friend. We paid 50/50 for everything (despite very different salaries) until we were almost married and had a child. Once married your committed to sharing your life together and if living together with a child then gets very complicated and chance for resentment to build up if not sharing (e.g. if one does overtime and the other has to do more of the childcare) so is a totally different to just dating someone. He’s not having any impact on your earning capacity, life plans etc. If you won the lottery tomorrow it’s not like your obliged to share that with him.

Eskimal · 19/08/2023 07:58

Notamum12345577 · 18/08/2023 21:21

I would say in early stages he should be paying for most things, maybe you pay occasionally. I would say that even if he didn’t earn any more than you.

Show quote history

Do you also expect equal pay and opportunity at work? I cannot believe there are women in this century who expect men to pay more on dates just because they are men. What on earth is your reasoning for this?

SheilaFentiman · 19/08/2023 08:21

@Lorey82 if I am splitting the bill with less well paid friends, I am sensitive to choose less expensive places and offer that we all pay for what we have rather than equal split. I would never sit in their house and say “let’s order from the more expensive Chinese!”

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 19/08/2023 08:25

I’d have a conversation with him, saying that you enjoy spending time with him but that you’re on a tight budget and ask if he’d mind aiming for cheaper dates so you can pay your own way.
tbh, if he gets arsey over it, then he’s probably not for you.
Hopefully he will either go for cheaper dates or, if he’s set on certain places and activities with you, realise that he’s going to have to fork out more for them.

Notamum12345577 · 19/08/2023 09:01

Eskimal · 19/08/2023 07:58

Do you also expect equal pay and opportunity at work? I cannot believe there are women in this century who expect men to pay more on dates just because they are men. What on earth is your reasoning for this?

Show quote history

I’m a man 👍

beastlyslumber · 19/08/2023 09:14

Notamum12345577 · 18/08/2023 21:21

I would say in early stages he should be paying for most things, maybe you pay occasionally. I would say that even if he didn’t earn any more than you.

Show quote history

Agree with this. He sounds tightfisted and the comments about his ex are a red flag. As are his talking about your future maternity leave etc.

Would you ever go to a friend's house, choose the most expensive things on the takeaway menu, and expect them to pay for it? That's not appropriate behaviour from anyone.

Throw this one back, OP.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 09:17

I don't like this guy.

I think he knows exactly what he's doing and he was very manipulative in his last conversation with you.

Your explanation of how you ended up paying for everything with the pizza and Prosecco was really awful. He knows you're on a lower income, and he let you pay for that without any offer of a contribution.

I wouldn't go out with a friend who did that never mind a boyfriend.

Asmrmebaby · 19/08/2023 09:20

I think he's careful of being expected to pay loads more just because he earned more. I think if I started dating someone and they clearly expected me to pay more because I earned more I would resent that. Doing it when you feel like it is fine and it seems he does this sometimes but if you expect that he may pick up on it and it's off putting.

Ohmygiddyauntie · 19/08/2023 10:12

I think it's bizarre that posters think the man should pay for the majority of dates. In addition those with money should spend endlessly on inane dates or activities.

whatinthe89 · 19/08/2023 10:12

3 months and all you’ve done is eagle eye every single penny spent and resent him for it and that’s lead to already discussed him supporting you on mat leave, just end it.

Abbimae · 19/08/2023 10:16

Sounds like a red flag.

Gh12345 · 19/08/2023 10:24

I agree with other sentiments that it’s maybe too early and he will likely want to see that you won’t expect him to pay for things

OneMoreCookieMonster · 19/08/2023 10:27

I think what he said about having pride was definitely a little sly manipulation. I'd be on the look out for more. It would have been different if he said he didn't want to offend you by making you feel like you couldn't keep up or whatever.

It's either early manipulation or he's clumsy with words and their meaning. But, if he's as successful as you say, it's probably passive manipulation. He would be use to that kind thing.

Glad the talk went well and congratulations on making it through a massive relationship hurdle

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 10:27

Dating stage I’d say this is fine. I’d want to pay my own way to prove I’m not just interested in his money. Some people are very careful with their money which does lead to resentment, I mean on relationship board it’s always an issue

BadNomad · 19/08/2023 10:28

He needs to not date women with less money than him if he wants them to match his lifestyle, and you need to date men who match your lifestyle if you don't want to spend more than is equal. You aren't entitled to his money or lifestyle.

Rollonsept · 19/08/2023 10:34

Its really hard to as you sound like you are wanting to split things and it's a fairly new relationship for him to be taking on the bulk. Perhaps this won't work because he earns way more than you I can't tell wheather he is a tight person because your focus seems to be you would rather him foot the bill as you earn less which isn't fair at this stage. If you can't afford things, just decline and tell him it's not within budget!

However if you had posted about the first 2 dates I would of said he's a tight arse if you had to pay. Being tight is a terrible quality I have a child to a man is so unbelievable tight even with his own DC.

gorillalala · 19/08/2023 11:09

I think that those of you saying he's mean or tight are being a bit harsh really. I'm assuming he's being a bit careful (having been burned before) that he doesn't set a precedent of paying for everything.

Also I would agree with some PPs that OP does sound a bit grabby. Her expectation that at some point in the future (she's asking when that point is) he will start paying more for her is a bit weird .. like that's her goal. It shouldn't be like that, things like that happen more organically. You meet, fall in love, commit to each other, then decide about living together / finances etc. I find it weird that at dating stage she's already planning ahead for when he's going to pay the larger share. If i got whiff of a guy I was dating thinking along those lines and I wrote a post on here about it, guaranteed that every single person would say to bin him.

Dinkydonutsmum · 19/08/2023 11:24

I haven’t read all the comments so I’m probably on my own with this viewpoint but it’s been 12 weeks…. I’m not sure exactly what you are expecting? I can understand that perspective if you were in a long term relationship with a shared house and financial responsibilities but it’s not the case! I dated a millionaire in my early 20’s (I was on ok money but he probably earnt 10 times what I did a year at the time) and we split everything 50/50. Albeit he paid for nicer restaurants when he picked and paid where we went but I didn’t remotely expect to freeload off him as he had more money! He had a history of women thinking they were entitled to his cash too. I think it’s very sad and tbh you come across a bit grabby. If you can’t afford the same lifestyle as him just be honest! ‘Sorry can’t afford to do that, but if you fancy a night in, I can cook us something or whatever it is you suggest’. If he’s on a good wage then I’m sure he has the intellect to see you won’t have the same disposable income as him if it’s highlighted and not be pissy about it. I dated the millionaire for about six months but it didn’t go anywhere as although he’s a lovely man, he was as funny as a house brick and I need humour in my life. We have kept in contact and he struggled to meet anyone that didn’t think they were entitled to his money and it was very off putting to him - and in my mind rightly so! So you are in my opinion being massively unreasonable! He’s been generous in my opinion and you just need to be honest and I’m sure you can both enjoy your relationship if you communicate and contribute 50/50 as you aren’t remotely entitled to his money, so shake off that mindset!

averythinline · 19/08/2023 11:35

i think you need to be clearer that you have a budget tgat you stick too..
so in the Chinese takeaway example you could have said... re restaurant food suggestion ... thats beyond my budget...
not sure why you have to pay cos its at yours either ??
pay for each... how would you split the bill with a friend/colleague??
at the moment its still a new relationship..so maybe think colleague.....

i would instigate a conversation about budget directly.... be open and clear about your entertainment spending...you will want to see friends too so don't spend all your money on him!

ChelseaGem · 19/08/2023 11:40

The whole thing sounds exhausting. I think the two of you are not compatible. He holds all the power and is not generous.

Libra24 · 19/08/2023 11:53

I think a very frank conversation is needed.

I have a limited budget and I don't want to imply that you should pay for things so please be considerate that if I suggest something that's in line with my budget.

3 months is nothing. If this isn't something that's easy for you to resolve then I'd be wondering on the whole thing really.

Aprilx · 19/08/2023 12:01

There is no way to say “umm no I am happy for you to pay” without sounding grabby. And you do sound grabby. Three months in and you should be splitting things pretty evenly, you are a very long way of a situation where he should be paying more.

rosiebl · 19/08/2023 12:17

The thing that makes the alarm bells ring from your update is this line:

' I did suggest the idea of taking it in turns to pay for/arrange dates and he didnt like that idea though'

Why was he opposed to the idea that if he chooses a date, he pays, then you choose a date and you pay? What was he reason for being against this?

Ohmygiddyauntie · 19/08/2023 12:24

Dp was telling me he dated a woman with a low income.
He took her to a weekend retreat with a yurt. She took him to Hungry horse.
It didn't work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread