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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’ll confess here, I’m so f****ng envies of women who have male admires…

195 replies

UglyNameChange · 14/08/2023 18:37

I know we're supposed to be independent-need-no-man, who needs male validations, but god damn do I want even one man to like me.

I was reading another thread about op who kissed her boyfriends friend (yeah, not the best situation) and she went to say how he told her he has had feelings for her for long time bla bla bla. I can’t imagine how that must feel like to hear.

I want someone to like me, want to be with me.
I’ve never been in a relationship, never been on a date (don’t judge,please).

No matter how I read the advices people give to single women, I can’t even help myself to be okey with being single and it just makes me feel like a double loser.

How I wish I was a woman men liked/wanted to be with/could love.

Just to be clear, I don’t wish anything bad to lucky women (well, all the rest of the women in the world it feels) I just wish I was as lucky as them too.

Thanks for anyone who read my rant.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 19:15

@UglyNameChange I don't want to make you feel worse, but I do have some questions just to clarify your experience. I think a lot of posters don't actually get it ,which is why they're minimising it.

Have you ever had attention from men/boys whether positive or negative?

When you were younger/a teen at drunken parties/clubbing?

Any sexual interest at all from men/boys even if you weren't interested/found them attractive/it was just about sex rather than dating?

TheUnloved · 16/08/2023 19:25

She hasn't come back for a day so I don't think she's heard the sympathy she wanted to.

If I'm wrong on that, I hope she does take some of the comments to heart, even if she doesn't like them. We radiate our emotions. And faking confidence is a thing and equally seen as sexy as actually having some.

LinMortisanass · 16/08/2023 19:28

Why wouldn't you have sympathy for the OP though? I don't understand why some of you are being so harsh.

TheUnloved · 16/08/2023 19:32

Perhaps because I have been reading her posts on an off over the past few months and there has been zero change of subject and tone. EVERYthing has always centred around not having had a relationship, and everytime the poster has had advice it has either been ignored or attacked. Never once has there been an attempt of even considering it might be something within the OP's control.

It grinds, after a while, to try to help someone who clearly doesn't want the help.

I was in a similar position, once, and moved on. The OP isn't making a single step towards anything here.

ChefMike · 16/08/2023 19:40

LinMortisanass · 16/08/2023 19:28

Why wouldn't you have sympathy for the OP though? I don't understand why some of you are being so harsh.

Agreed. I think these posts can be frustrating because not much can be done to help

But poor op. It's so so hard to be in her shoes, most of us can't imagine how it feels after nearly decades

LinMortisanass · 16/08/2023 19:41

I didn't realise the OP had posted about this before. I understand your frustration, but she must be feeling very low.
If you are still reading @UglyNameChange I hope you can get the kind of help you need from people in real life.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 19:41

TheUnloved · 16/08/2023 19:32

Perhaps because I have been reading her posts on an off over the past few months and there has been zero change of subject and tone. EVERYthing has always centred around not having had a relationship, and everytime the poster has had advice it has either been ignored or attacked. Never once has there been an attempt of even considering it might be something within the OP's control.

It grinds, after a while, to try to help someone who clearly doesn't want the help.

I was in a similar position, once, and moved on. The OP isn't making a single step towards anything here.

Maybe because the constant stream of minimising, dismissing, cliches and "men will shag anything" posts are fucking insulting?

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2023 19:56

I love being single, I have a few male friends, several who chase me (not a brag) but there’s also a lot of men that wouldn’t look at me twice.

I have met people through online dating Facebook groups and through hobbies/interests. I have met a lot of idiots but not all have been bad. I think I quite enjoy being chased a little even if it’s by someone I don’t want a relationship with so I understand why you would want men to like you. I’m sure there are men out there that will find you attractive and that will love your personality. I don’t feel I am attractive, just friendly and easy to talk too.

I'm not really doing online dating at the moment, I do find it a little tedious and having been on there so long it’s just the same old faces in my area so I often take a break from it.

DrSbaitso · 16/08/2023 20:05

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 19:41

Maybe because the constant stream of minimising, dismissing, cliches and "men will shag anything" posts are fucking insulting?

What should we be saying?

I just can't divorce OP's horrible traumatic history (for which I sympathise) and the resulting self loathing from the troubles she's having now. Is it really completely irrelevant? Do you believe that no matter what her background and how it has shaped her, the body OP inhabits is just so repulsive that no man could ever love her?

sunglassesonthetable · 16/08/2023 20:13

just can't divorce OP's horrible traumatic history (for which I sympathise) and the resulting self loathing from the troubles she's having now. Is it really completely irrelevant? Do you believe that no matter what her background and how it has shaped her, the body OP inhabits is just so repulsive that no man could ever love her?

No.

BUT it's not really about she's wrong someone else is right.

We can't fix OP.

Sometimes people just want to be heard.

ChefMike · 16/08/2023 20:13

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2023 19:56

I love being single, I have a few male friends, several who chase me (not a brag) but there’s also a lot of men that wouldn’t look at me twice.

I have met people through online dating Facebook groups and through hobbies/interests. I have met a lot of idiots but not all have been bad. I think I quite enjoy being chased a little even if it’s by someone I don’t want a relationship with so I understand why you would want men to like you. I’m sure there are men out there that will find you attractive and that will love your personality. I don’t feel I am attractive, just friendly and easy to talk too.

I'm not really doing online dating at the moment, I do find it a little tedious and having been on there so long it’s just the same old faces in my area so I often take a break from it.

How does this help op...?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 20:19

@DrSbaitso I know OP ideally wants love , which is why you're using love but this is more than this.

OP never had a date. Not one. It's a completely different situation to not "having much luck", or kissing a few frogs, or faking it until you make it.

By the sounds of it, she wants to feel seen and heard and have a rant about her situation. Most of the advice she's having show a complete lack of understanding for her circumstances anyways. Ohhh men will even shag leaves, you'll be ok hun, I'm sure you're gorgeous. Seriously?

DrSbaitso · 16/08/2023 20:19

sunglassesonthetable · 16/08/2023 20:13

just can't divorce OP's horrible traumatic history (for which I sympathise) and the resulting self loathing from the troubles she's having now. Is it really completely irrelevant? Do you believe that no matter what her background and how it has shaped her, the body OP inhabits is just so repulsive that no man could ever love her?

No.

BUT it's not really about she's wrong someone else is right.

We can't fix OP.

Sometimes people just want to be heard.

BUT it's not really about she's wrong someone else is right.

That's not what anyone is saying.

The situation being what it is, I don't see how it helps to reinforce the highly unlikely idea that OP's trauma (which of course isn't her fault at all) is irrelevant and she's in this situation purely because she's so ugly that she couldn't ever expect anything else.

Does anyone reading this thread honestly believe that?

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2023 20:25

ChefMike · 16/08/2023 20:13

How does this help op...?

I was just saying that if she put herself out there a bit more…online dating….hobbies…etc.., then she might find people will like her/admire her 😳.
This isn’t the first time OP has posted and she doesn’t seem to follow peoples advice anyway.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 20:32

@Lovemusic33 she did online dating, has hobbies, goes out, has a circle of friends etc. Did you even bother to read OP's posts?

5128gap · 16/08/2023 21:08

LinMortisanass · 16/08/2023 19:28

Why wouldn't you have sympathy for the OP though? I don't understand why some of you are being so harsh.

I have sympathy for the OP. Being ugly is a significant disadvantage in life and in dating in particular. However page after page of people pitying her for it and agreeing how unfair it is over I believe multiple threads, isn't particularly helpful.
Unless we are of the minority blessed in every area of life, looks, intelligence, health, family, wealth, we all quickly realise that life isn't fair, and that it would be a lot better if we had something we've missed out on that other people have. But in the absence of other options, we play the cards we've been dealt the best we can.
Its one thing feeling sad and angry, even having an occasional vent, but the goal is not to stay suspended in that state, stubbornly resisting any other perspective or suggestion and building an identity around your disadvantage.
The OP is an ugly woman. Well, bluntly, thats too bad and she's in good company. Her ugliness is not all there is to her, and for her own mental health she needs to look beyond it.
The 'harsh' responses on here are the people trying to help her do that.

BodegaSushi · 17/08/2023 07:37

She hasn't come back for a day so I don't think she's heard the sympathy she wanted to.

Which is bizarre. Posters saying things like, of course you could find a man, men have low standards/would fuck a pile of leaves are massively missing the point.

Not to mention the OP who NEVER had a problem approaching men and doesn't ever remember being turned down 😂

Staggering

TheUnloved · 17/08/2023 08:13

Well, we could approach it from all sorts of angles.

We could say we feel sorry for her. Doesn't help, doesn't change anything, will keep the OP in a state of suspended self-hatred and helplessness.

We could say, you're right, you'll never find anyone. Ditto above.

We could say (which is what many did) that every pot has a lid. Yes, to quote TBBT, that lid may be an underground research scientist in rural China, so chances of meeting are slim, but the OP won't know until she keeps putting herself out there. We all know it's a numbers game. I am fat now, so have much more limited initial interest from men, but I've also had one in particular look at images of me slim and conventionally hot and saying he preferred my shape now. Men DO prefer all sorts of different shapes and sizes, it's true. If the OP is simply lacking motivation, that might help and so many of us here have tried to be helpful, but if she just wants to be suspended in victimhood, then no.

We could give advice on how to make the best out of what the OP has got, which, again, is what a lot of people here did. It may help, eventually, or the OP could just look at reasons of why she is currently unsuccessful at picking up men. Because there will be a reason to it, and as explained above, it won't be her physical appearance.

Mostly, I think, by now it's sheer frustration. The OP has a very distinctive writing style and username style, combined with the topic, which never changes and gets randomly inserted in other people's threads on all sorts of aspects of relationships to garner even MORE sympathy it gets very frustrating to read the same thing over and over again without even an acknowledgement or thanks towards the many, many posters who have already tried to help her in a number of ways across many, many months.

She wants sympathy, that's fine, she can have it. But it won't change anything, and it certainly won't help her. She needs professional support we can't give her on here.

And with that, I'm now bowing out.

LinMortisanass · 17/08/2023 09:29

Some people come on here to vent, to rant, to find others in similar positions so they don't feel so alone, and there's nothing wrong with that. She doesn't owe anyone her "thanks" or anything else. I hope my post made her feel heard and less alone. Having a go at people doesn't make them feel any better, or more motivated. Like I said before, I too hope she gets the help she needs in real life.

DrSbaitso · 17/08/2023 09:38

Well it's fine to vent and rant, but you can't control how people respond to your venting and ranting if you do it publicly. If they've seen you vent and rant a lot - and even if they haven't - they might be forgiven for thinking you'd do better to try to change your situation so you no longer need to vent and rant about it.

OP clearly gets something out of this because she does it so much. I don't think it makes her happy, but it satisfies something in her. I'm not sure what, but I expect it's got a connection to her anger at being told her self-reported ugliness cannot be the sole reason for getting no attention, because ugly people form relationships all the time.

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