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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ll confess here, I’m so f****ng envies of women who have male admires…

195 replies

UglyNameChange · 14/08/2023 18:37

I know we're supposed to be independent-need-no-man, who needs male validations, but god damn do I want even one man to like me.

I was reading another thread about op who kissed her boyfriends friend (yeah, not the best situation) and she went to say how he told her he has had feelings for her for long time bla bla bla. I can’t imagine how that must feel like to hear.

I want someone to like me, want to be with me.
I’ve never been in a relationship, never been on a date (don’t judge,please).

No matter how I read the advices people give to single women, I can’t even help myself to be okey with being single and it just makes me feel like a double loser.

How I wish I was a woman men liked/wanted to be with/could love.

Just to be clear, I don’t wish anything bad to lucky women (well, all the rest of the women in the world it feels) I just wish I was as lucky as them too.

Thanks for anyone who read my rant.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 15/08/2023 22:06

you're on a fifth page of getting defensive that it must be your looks that prevent you from dating while the world is full of people who are happily ugly and in relationships.

People fall in love despite serious medical conditions, some of which severely affect their appearance, would you tell them that nobody would date them? or do you genuinely consider yourself to be the ugliest person on the planet to blame your dating history on the looks alone?

sunglassesonthetable · 15/08/2023 22:49

Honestly OP you sound great. Really. You're sharp and on the ball. And clever.

I wish there was a magic wand that would fix this.

But although you are the expert of your lived experience undoubtedly, I agree with @PaintedEgg . People all over the place who do not have the benefit of good looks are in relationships.

I'm not saying it's easy and clearly you are well aware of that but I suppose I'm just saying keep at it. Don't shut it down.

I don't know the future but equally you don't either OP.

Good Luck.

Cupcakekiller · 15/08/2023 23:17

Have you ever tried making the first move and asking men out, rather than waiting for them to ask you?

BodegaSushi · 16/08/2023 01:21

HermioneWeasley · 15/08/2023 18:31

There was a guy arrested a few years ago for having sex with a pile of leaves. I assure you, there is someone who will be interested in you.

Oh dear god.

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2023 01:40

Honestly op, it's 70% about personality.
I'm like a 4/10 looks wise but generally don't usually have problems getting dates. Well...when I live in cities and use tinder anyway. And I'm picky af.

Taking initiative to talk to any matches and arrange dates within a few conversations.

You will get tinder matches.
If you don't then change the pictures. Work the angles, it's fine. You get the date and win them over with your petlrsonality ;)

You can do it!

Pinkbonbon · 16/08/2023 01:51

Cupcakekiller · 15/08/2023 23:17

Have you ever tried making the first move and asking men out, rather than waiting for them to ask you?

Exactly this!
Gotta get confortable making the first move!

wayyour · 16/08/2023 03:41

HermioneWeasley
There was a guy arrested a few years ago for having sex with a pile of leaves. I assure you, there is someone who will be interested in you.

Oh dear god

I take Hermione's point, but agree! Dear god 😱

GreenwichOrTwicks · 16/08/2023 04:58

HermioneWeasley · 15/08/2023 18:31

There was a guy arrested a few years ago for having sex with a pile of leaves. I assure you, there is someone who will be interested in you.

Eeeeeek!!!!!!
Gonna have to Google that!!!!!

Loopylooni · 16/08/2023 06:17

@UglyNameChange I was thinking about this and I wondered whether you just feel like the kind of man you like, doesn't like you back. Im on dating sites and all the men interested aren't my type. It's easy to get despondent and in a rut thinking I'm too ugly to meet the right man for me. Do you think that plays a part for you, that you are feeling low and blaming yourself?

harerunner · 16/08/2023 07:07

OP. I'm sorry you're struggling so much and it's easy for others to say "just love yourself".... It's like telling a depressed person to just pull themselves together and expect that it works. That said, there have been some useful suggestions on here.

You said you tried OLD with no responses/likes. What kind of photos did you use in your profile? Were they happy and smiley? Did you take care to ensure they showed you in a flattering light?

Also, you say you're very ugly... Do you have an actual disfigurement, or do you just feel like your face isn't at all pretty? It would be useful to know so you can get some advice.

Goldencup · 16/08/2023 09:16

There are no words, just what on😂 earth are men like !

PaintedEgg · 16/08/2023 09:54

How do people even get in the state of looking at a pile of leaves at a parking lot and think "this looks sexy"

what sort of substance and how much of it would one need to take for this to happen? 😂

BadLad · 16/08/2023 09:56

According to the article he was drunk and had taken several different drugs, so that’s probably why.

Franticbutterfly · 16/08/2023 10:01

I never really got much male attention on sight but have had a fair few men say they are in love with me, or wish they could marry me. I think it's because I listen to people. My DH says I make people feel like they are the only person in the room. I would say for that reason I have been considered attractive. Also I know myself quite well and am reasonably self assured. I'm convinced my DH liked me initially because I made him feel safe, mothered perhaps? 🤔

harerunner · 16/08/2023 11:01

@UglyNameChange

Please, let’s stop this .Imagine what it feels like to be told being worse than pile of leaves.

I can understand why this is upsetting if you interpret this as "i'm less sexually attractive than a pile of leaves", but what they are actually saying is that you're perceived physical attractiveness isn't the reason you're not getting any attention.

The fact you've set a username with "ugly" in it indicates that you are letting your perceived ugliness define you.

You have a choice. You can either wallow in pity, or you can do something... You get one life so please choose the latter.

What about starting a thread about listing all the things you're going to do to improve your situation, taking the advice from on here and elsewhere, and giving updates of how you are doing. I'm sure you'll get lots of support and encouragement as you do things step by step. You'll get advice too (just ignore advice that's not helpful). It will take time and you will have bad days, but if you make it a mission to improve your looks and confidence day by day, I almost guarantee you'll feel like a new woman by next year, and you will start getting male attention.

harerunner · 16/08/2023 11:01

Wish I could edit and change you're to your! Grrr

harerunner · 16/08/2023 11:02

Also, are there any cultural barriers to you engaging with men?

GrammarTool · 16/08/2023 11:03

roses321 · 15/08/2023 21:37

To be quite honest with you after reading the rest of the messages with people attempting to help you and your consistently defensive remarks when you don't hear what you want to hear I'd hazard a guess that you're self pitying pain in the ass personally.

Honestly, if you carry on with that attitude good bloody luck to you. If you just want to post on the internet and get people to pander to you I'll step aside for those who want to further feed your self pity and enable you.

This, with bells on.

PaintedEgg · 16/08/2023 11:09

Could it be that perceived lack of attractiveness is a bit of a cop-out? a bit like when men who are below average height claim nobody wants to date them because they're short.

There are limits of what we can do appearance-wise without investing a lot of time and money into it...so it's almost too easy to blame the lack of romantic success on being "ugly" or people being shallow.

GrammarTool · 16/08/2023 11:25

It’s an established fact that people who are very physically ugly (by conventional standards) can find love.

So OP, what do you think it is that makes you the exception?

Have a look at this list. These are all things that make someone unappealing.

  • Defensiveness
  • Arrogant self pity (“I’m special because my life is so shit”)
  • Inability to laugh at oneself
  • Lack of insight

To grow as a person, you need to be able to hear uncomfortable messages about yourself and take them on board - without feeling attacked.

sunglassesonthetable · 16/08/2023 11:57

I think posters should cut OP some slack.

She's not feeling great . She's feeling low about this.

She's probably does feel defensive. She's made herself very vulnerable on here .

As she feels lonely and like she's missed out. Not a place anyone wants to be.

She might not have reacted how posters wanted but she's living this. I think posters should cope with that. It's not really about them.

I keep thinking of this generous person who will bring around nice baked stuff or knit you something and who your dog loves.

OP there can be someone out there for you!

roses321 · 16/08/2023 12:03

GrammarTool · 16/08/2023 11:25

It’s an established fact that people who are very physically ugly (by conventional standards) can find love.

So OP, what do you think it is that makes you the exception?

Have a look at this list. These are all things that make someone unappealing.

  • Defensiveness
  • Arrogant self pity (“I’m special because my life is so shit”)
  • Inability to laugh at oneself
  • Lack of insight

To grow as a person, you need to be able to hear uncomfortable messages about yourself and take them on board - without feeling attacked.

And I hope she gets to that place.
Her other posts admit that her mother caused issues for her growing up and I think she's depressed and in need of therapy.

I'm saying that because I was depressed and in need of therapy, and I didn't want to hear any of it and told everyone to eff off because my life was so shit and nobody understood... so yeah, I know exactly how that feels.

But in her own time hopefully she'll come to the place where she realises actually her perception of her being ugly is because someone who was important in her life sent her that message basically every day and as a result that's her default belief now.

Anyone trying to pull her out of it is going to get blow back because defensiveness when you feel like shit is basically what anyone would do... but it needs to be heard, just probably not in the context of strangers on the internet, but by someone who can explore those feelings in the right way.

When you put shit energy out there (even if it's through no fault of your own) you get shit energy back in your love life, you either end up with toxic jerks or alone. Frankly being alone is better for you even if you don't realise it, toxic people genuinely really do f'k up your life beyond words.

The key is that eventually you have to realise you're an adult and that while someone else may have put you in this mindset, you now have to pull yourself out of it and not be a victim, be a survivor.

OutsideLookingOut · 16/08/2023 12:33

GrammarTool · 16/08/2023 11:03

This, with bells on.

Show quote history

Honestly not this at all. I think some people quite naturally don’t want to believe you OP. For all the talk of insight do many posters have responses with smugness and so little self awareness. There are lovely women who don’t get male attention. OP you can try the things suggested here if you have not already - I don’t know why everyone assumes you have not. Sadly the world is a shallow place or attractive as would not determine how much you earn and so many more things! Why people can’t even acknowledge this never fails to sadden me. You have every right to not be happy about it.

DrSbaitso · 16/08/2023 12:34

I'm interested. The self-described "ugly" women I know also get angry when you say they aren't ugly. I've caused offence by saying it. But it's true! They're not ugly! They're not stunning, but they're simply not ugly. The reason they don't get attention is not because they're so unspeakably hideous, but they don't want to hear this.

I guess if they can have that as the reason, it means they don't have to confront the stuff they can control. It also puts the fault on everyone else for being shallow, or at least no responsibility on them.