I’ll confess here, I’m so f****ng envies of women who have male admires…

[UglyNameChange]

I know we're supposed to be independent-need-no-man, who needs male validations, but god damn do I want even one man to like me.

I was reading another thread about op who kissed her boyfriends friend (yeah, not the best situation) and she went to say how he told her he has had feelings for her for long time bla bla bla. I can’t imagine how that must feel like to hear.

I want someone to like me, want to be with me.
I’ve never been in a relationship, never been on a date (don’t judge,please).

No matter how I read the advices people give to single women, I can’t even help myself to be okey with being single and it just makes me feel like a double loser.

How I wish I was a woman men liked/wanted to be with/could love.

Just to be clear, I don’t wish anything bad to lucky women (well, all the rest of the women in the world it feels) I just wish I was as lucky as them too.

Thanks for anyone who read my rant.

I'm very tall and a size 14. Longgg asf legs and I've a big chest. I look like Marina and the diamonds during the Electra Heart phase. She's my double lol.

I dont think I'm beautiful cause of my looks though. I'm a nice person and been through absolute shit and I keep going and it's my strength and outgoing personality that make me attractive. The outside is just an addition honestly.

My ex when I was 21 his best mate hit on my and my ex was just proud 🙂🙂🙂🫠🫠🫠 men lol.

Honestly it can be hell. I've had drunken lads hit on me in my ED. One time a patient hit me on the arse and security went insane 🤣

Relationships have nothing to do with looks.

I'm better looking than 2 of my exes who cheated on me with plainer girls. Looks me absolutely nothing.

Hi OP

I understand where you're coming from, I've never been chatted up or flirted with, I feel invisible when it comes to men . I see other women with this attractiveness and charisma that I just don't have. It's not always slim, beautiful women either (hate being negative about appearance but hope that makes sense). I did meet some men through online dating which was short lived but an OK experience.

I'm not attractive and I'm very introverted which means it makes sense that I don't attention I guess. I don't think it has anything to do with luck though. When I did have dates I made a real effort with my appearance (think extreme diet, botox, fillers, teeth whitening, professional make up and a stylist appointment) and putting myself out there. It's exhausting to maintain though, no-one liked the real me.

I’m extremely surprised and I’m sorry to hear that’s been your experience. If you try again (and I’d understand if you didn’t) I hope you get better results.

OLD isn’t great for most people with all the love bombers and ghosters and timewasters you can come across, but I appreciate that’s a separate issue - I’m more into quality than quantity when it comes to getting male attention, but even I must admit to get absolutely zero attention must be very difficult.

I get what you're saying looks and that but not all men aren't all shallow. The arseholes are generally. Obviously like anyone I have my preferences of what I find attractive but personality is important to me.

I don't expect someone to have a perfect body, if their personality is good that means more to me, I don't care about flaws and most of the time they aren't actually flaws. Likewise, I don't mind makeup but I also don't expect it and like them for who they are.

There will be someone out there, it's just finding them. What you could do with though is getting out of your own mind because it serves no purpose than to bring you down, you need to be comfortable with yourself.

I think some people including me tend to be a bit in denial when we hear things like this @UglyNameChange because if we accept what you say is true (and I do ) it means we really live in a very superficial society and your looks can have a massive impact on your life .

I’ve seen similar on other threads where people have insisted the person will attract people if they do X, Y and Z.

The truth is there’s no guarantees. That said, you shouldn’t give up hope either and there’s nothing wrong with looking the best you can even if it’s just for you and if someone digs your looks well it’s a massive bonus! You never know what’s around the corner.

Get yourself of reddit R4R Subs. I've met and chatted to loads of great men on there, and some dodgy ones too like everywhere.
But I've made fast friendships, had a brief relationship. All through reddit!
It's so nice to not have it be based on looks and people on there seem to know the long lost art of conversation

What makes you think you're not attractive? Look in the mirror and find one thing and I'll bet you'll find ten 🌹🌼

Hello OP if it helps, my cousin who has a disability never dated/kissed/anything'd a man before she was 38 too! She really came into her own in her late 30s in terms of her career and confidence. I admired that she always felt that she was entitled to a certain kind of romantic partner and wouldn't settle for being set up with just anybody. She was introduced through friends to a lovely man at a party, they were both shy so needed lots of encouragement (it almost didnt happen following their first meeting, but fortunately a bit of alcohol second time round about a year later encouraged them both to take the next step!) She adores him and he adores her. They were married by the time she was 40. If companionship is a big priority for you, be open and make an effort with the shy guys! Doesn't always have to be the man who makes everything happen.

For me there's a good friend I know and if the chance happened then I'd give a possible relationship a chance.
The pickle is she's already got a partner of around 5 years no kids so I don't expect her to split.

Basically what I'm trying to say is maybe there have been people that like you or have liked you and no one said x due to x perspective ?

there is genuinely someone for everyone. You don’t think of yourself as being attractive so you don’t get looks but you likely just don’t know how to attract looks from men. I am the same - not because I’m physically “unattractive” but because I am currently bone crushingly insecure. I haven’t always been but pregnancies and shitty relationships and lack of money have all combined to create a massive well of self hatred that I can’t shift for some reason.

also I’ve aged (like a normal person) but I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years and I feel like I would be repulsive to people. I also got what I wanted entirely based on my looks when I was younger and it’s hard to lose it (I sound like a dick but it’s true)

BUT when I force myself to dress decent and walk/act in the way men respond to, I actually do get eyed up and the rest of it so I know it’s in my head.

if you never had the confidence and never learned how to get guys to look at you you need to learn this art form.

first you need to go online and find some traditionally “unattractive” women who act as though they’re attractive.
also think of ones in real life. What do they do? How do they walk into a room? How do they act? How do they dress?

second find a style that works for you. Or just don’t dress entirely like a hibernating bear (I’m guilty of this)

third delve deep into why you feel this way. Therapy. Self help books. Why do you feel so unlovable.

oh also you need to eye guys to get them to eye you. Or at least be an active participant. Push your bum or boobs out a bit. Wiggle your hips a bit more. Honestly it is a two way street.

because no one is too “unattractive” for every man. So are
you unintentionally putting out leave me alone vibes? Or fuck off vibes? Or I’m asexual go away vibes? Or I’m incredibly insecure vibes? Really you need to remove that invisible barrier so you can participate in the fun.

also look for guys where they’re not confident. Like computer nerdy types (not the cool rich ones) or volunteer places. You know where theyre also not confident people.

you are beautiful. And there are people who will have looked at you and thought so. You just didn’t notice them yet.

I know a couple of women around your age who also just don't get hit on or admired etc. They'll tell you it's because they're ugly. I know they're not. No, they aren't incredibly beautiful but neither am I or most women. They absolutely are not ugly.

The issue is that they don't give off the right energy. They seem to lack the instinct a bit...as if they just can't conceive of someone sexualising them. Over time it's got worse and while they stay clean etc, they just don't seem to want to try to look or be at all alluring, ever. They just don't give off any sexual energy. There's a chicken and egg issue here and it's complicated, but I'm really sure that if they could somehow change their headspace, the rest would follow.

@Scabber I'm introverted, shy and struggle with socializing and meeting people. I'm also into computers so kinda nerdy but I don't look it and most assume the opposite.

I can talk to anyone one on one and would with women but I don't approach them. Should a woman look at me I honestly have no idea whether they like me, don't like me or I have something weird on me.

One thing I do know, from my point of view is you need to be yourself, all that isn't necessary. Someone will like you for who you are.

I didn't get anyone in my mid-30s on OLD (admittedly before Tinder,) nor IRL. I was single right through my 40s. Now in my early 50s, there's loads of them (not all quality, to be fair.) I don't know what's changed except I (and they) are older and greyer (or balder in their cases.) I don't know if it's because there's no longer supporting possibility of me getting pregnant or what.

So maybe some of it's down to see, but if it is, that doesn't help you now, unfortunately.

Similar here. I don’t think I’m gorgeous, in fact my self-esteem is fairly low, but I have a stereotypically attractive figure and naturally blonde hair. I have had a lot of unwanted attention from men throughout my life. I have never flirted or encouraged any of it. In my late teens-early 20s I felt anxious every time I left the house because some arsehole nearly always made some sleazy comment or cat called me. I remember approaching an acquaintance who worked in a technical profession I was interested in working in and asked if I could shadow him for a day. He used this opportunity to stroke my thigh and suggest we get dinner. The worst was when a random man came up to me in the street and said “Hiya blondie” then rubbed himself up against me. It’s not admiration. It’s men who have zero respect for women trying to dominate and humiliate me because they think the way I look makes me fair game.

I’d rather take some comments on my boobs, if it means I could get a relationship

Would you really want a relationship with some leery sexpest creep who feels entitled to make comments on women’s boobs? Come on, rase the bar. Nice, decent men don’t go around sexually harassing women. Why not spend the money you’ve been saving for surgery on some therapy to work on your self-esteem? Bin off OLD for a while and prioritise learning to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself then you can get back out there and radiate your confidence, which is at least 50% of what makes somebody attractive anyway.

The thing is, ugly people have sex and romance and relationships all the time. Just watch any episode of Jeremy Kyle - looks are not a barrier to finding someone, that's all in your head.

I agree with the previous poster who recommended speaking to a therapist. I think you need some expert help unpacking your self esteem issues.

Would you really want a relationship with some leery sexpest creep who feels entitled to make comments on women’s boobs?

Did I say that?
No.
I meant that if I could be good looking enough to get a relationship, and the downside of it was that some men make comments, it would be worth it for me.

Goodness let's not tear each other to pieces. My DSis was drop dead gorgeous and TBH it was the bain of her life, constant unwanted attention from 14 onwards. She ended up with an eating disorder ( trying to disappear I think). I am more average looking, pretty enough but a good few imperfections. I had a much easier time.

I think being at either end of the spectrum can be hard.

I can't believe it's taken so long before your post came along to point out the obvious.

I totally get how you feel OP, I have never had any sexual attention. Am married to my one and only partner who doesn't really give me attention/compliments. Never used to bother me as would be busy with life/work and families but recently weirdly it is been getting to me knowing that I've never been desired or thought of as attractive to someone. Even if someone did find you attractive unless they tell you how would you know? So I don't get this this.... 'Someone somewhere will have found you attractive'. I have got low self esteem:body issues but I feel that a lot of that stems from not getting validation if that makes sense....its hard for women who get/had attention from men to know how it feels. For context am small/thin (not very curvy) with okish face (got a huge nose 🤣)

Tbh, at this point my biggest dream and fear that I’m going to miss out on is just love, companionship and finding someone who wants to share a life with me.

Sorry your feeling like you are @Beanscene , I’d rather find someone who likes me.
Funny how I talked so much about looks, but it’s just what I’ve learned about love and relationships watching it all go by. But personally I don’t even care about looks/need that kind of approval, sadly you just have to have it so other’s care about you. Many talk about sex/sexual attention, even that isin’t something I think/worry about.
I just wish someone could love me.
I’ve read so many books around loving yourself, and sure, they can alleviate the pain for some time.
But then time, years, decades roll by and I can’t help to think why me.
There seem to be so many women who ’don’t need no man’ (and they’re always in relationships 😀😉) and it’s like let’s swap roles.

I really don’t think it’s ’energy’ or ’self-esteem’, I know I’m being very honest and vulnerable here, I don’t carry myself like this in the real word. I just wanted to vent, because it just feels so unfair.

@DrSbaitso really interesting post here as I think you have described me. I only do my hair/makeup when I'm going out out but most days I'm a mum wfh so I'm in leggings doing the school run looking tired/flabby. A friend of mine gives off a pure sex aura because she is very va va voom all the time. Even she doesn't get the right attention but she has that confidence/self belief which I think I now lack after a few short lived relationships. I guess the message is if you don't take care of yourself, who will bother/be interested in you.

I have always had lots of men interested in me. It's because they project their needs on to me and I work in a field that makes them see me in a cliched way. It's not nice tbh, it's insulting. They see me as something they want, and they want me because they think I can fix them/help them. Men who admire women they do not know very well are usually inadequate and it's all creepy and not something to seek out.
Bring fancied and seen as beautiful is totally different but still a simple projection of their desires onto you, not a 'real' thing

@UglyNameChange online dating can be pretty brutal at the best of times. Are you saying you get no likes on Tinder, POF etc etc. If so, then it's your profile that needs revamping and you need to build on your confidence here. Like Mr, I think you've forgotten how to be the best you can be.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I think you and a few other posters in this thread are underestimating just how shy and rejection-sensitive a lot of men can be, even in their 30s. While some men are happy to approach and take a knockdown, lots of us aren't! Making the first move if you see men you like takes this out of the equation (although you might have to make it very obvious 😂)

Also, confidence plays a much bigger role in male attraction than a lot of people might think - in many cases it comes above looks. Gentle pisstaking and banter (although I hate to use the word, I mean it in its non toxic and abusive meaning) puts a lot of men at ease conversationally as it's how many of us bond, so if you form connections around that it will probably put you on the radar of men more vibrantly.

I don't mean any of this as 'advice', but I think your situation is within your power to change or at least influence

I understood what you meant here. It's silly for anyone to pretend they'd rather be alone and feel unattractive than be beautiful and have people stare, and have lots of options.

I really hope you find someone🙂