I’ll confess here, I’m so f****ng envies of women who have male admires…

[UglyNameChange]

I know we're supposed to be independent-need-no-man, who needs male validations, but god damn do I want even one man to like me.

I was reading another thread about op who kissed her boyfriends friend (yeah, not the best situation) and she went to say how he told her he has had feelings for her for long time bla bla bla. I can’t imagine how that must feel like to hear.

I want someone to like me, want to be with me.
I’ve never been in a relationship, never been on a date (don’t judge,please).

No matter how I read the advices people give to single women, I can’t even help myself to be okey with being single and it just makes me feel like a double loser.

How I wish I was a woman men liked/wanted to be with/could love.

Just to be clear, I don’t wish anything bad to lucky women (well, all the rest of the women in the world it feels) I just wish I was as lucky as them too.

Thanks for anyone who read my rant.

Are you funny? Do you flirt? Do you partake in banter? Are you socially aware? Do you act like you belong where you go? Are you clean and presentable? All these things can make a difference.

Personally I’ve had crushes on people because I enjoyed their energy. “Good looking” model / actor types have never attracted me. I like people a bit rough around the edges.

People are only really unattractive when they display a rubbish personality or hide their real personality away. and come across as not having much about them.

I get admired. And I get a fair bit of attention. But the downside is every man I've met, typically bar the one I have zero attraction to, wants casual sex and no more. That's not really flattering.

I'm a lot older than you and destined for a single life so I try to make the best and most of it but I miss having a special person to share life with.

OP perhaps off the back of this post it would be helpful to you to know that whilst I may sound incredibly harsh it is coming from a place of bitter experience.

When I got into my last relationship I was devoid of self esteem and I didn't like myself at all to be quite honest. I met a man who seemed to be everything and when you get hold of that kind of "love" in the state I was in, and you are now in, it feels like emotional heroin. You become addicted.

The problem is that you are then reliant on that person to give you that validation, and you will twist yourself into a person you don't even recognise anymore to get it. You want to know what ugly is? It's when that person starts to treat you like something they scraped off their boot and you sit there wanting to kill yourself because you're not good enough for them and you can't get back the love you once had.

I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel sorry for me, it's not about me, I'm just telling you this because the moral of the story is that how you feel about yourself is so much more important than how anyone else feels about you.

If you are accepting of you, then there will be someone out there who is happy to have you in their life. It is easier said than done to feel that way about yourself to be honest.

For me personally it's been a case of:

• Reading books like you have, and absorbing the message.
• Personal achievements (couch to 5k for example)
• Getting through the week without stuffing my face with junk (working on that one)
• Achievements at work
• Picking out the things I actually like about myself and writing them down
• Not talking to myself like a piece of shit (which you are absolutely 100% doing because you are in full blown self pity mode).

For things I genuinely don't like about myself I'm looking at them and thinking right how can I improve that. Invest in good skincare, good sleep, plenty of water, good food, exercise and above all - NOT JUDGING YOURSELF.

For example today: I went for a run this morning. I ate a bag of M&Ms for lunch. Shit, but hey, I went for a run.

When you start speaking about yourself like a piece of shit, you stop yourself and you say actually no, I am not ugly, there is ONE of me and I will not speak to myself like that.

I understand your situation more than you think but what can you do to improve how you look at yourself? Try starting with the assumption that being single doesn't mean you're a loser. Also try starting with the assumption that you are loveable and that just because you haven't been on a date doesn't mean you are unlovable - because you love yourself right?! Right?!??

I'm going to be purely practical OP rather than tell you you're fine and just need more confidence. You're 38 - that's so young!! So plenty of time to take practical steps towards your goal.

You say you've been saving for cosmetic surgery - great, do it. Get the loose skin removed. What else do you think needs attention?

Book a lesson with a makeup artist. Make up makes a world of difference. I used to have a salon and did makeovers that literally changed lives. I'm great at making the best of what I have, and I often see the potential in people and wish I could get my hands on them!

Also hair - what's your regime? The right style can be a game changer (note: the East German shot putter hair do above!).

Posture - stand tall, walk with confidence.

Work out what colours suit you. What's your colouring? Think of celebs with your build - whose style do you admire? Copy it.

This is your project. Make tomorrow the first day of your journey to a new you. Small steps, but you'll get there.

There was a guy arrested a few years ago for having sex with a pile of leaves. I assure you, there is someone who will be interested in you.

@roses321 I don't think is being hurtful or offensive, it's what you need to hear. I get the same vibes too.

You are looking at this through a lens that is warped by what you assume in men and your view of yourself. We don't all tick the same, there is no set standard of what makes a woman attractive. There will be men that find you attractive but you need to be happy with yourself.

The type of men that hound women, sleaze over women are not the type of men you want attention from.

I haven't laughed in a very long time, thank you. 😂

The type of men that hound women, sleaze over women are not the type of men you want attention from.

I did suggest this in my post to the OP but got a snippy response back. Which, considering I had also talked about how I had been sexually assaulted by one such man, was a bit shocked by to be honest. The more I read the more I think it has nothing to do with looks at all.

I see I was too kind to you @roses321
I just don’t want to believe there really are people who have to go out of their way to kick others when they are down.

@IDriveMySupernova Yes, seems that way. Sorry to hear that, there are horrible men out there.

@UglyNameChange Noone is kicking you while you are down. You're getting defensive, possibly losing context over text.

Please, let’s stop this.
Imagine what it feels like to be told being worse than pile of leaves.

I understand it’s difficult to take seriously something you have no expirience of, but some women truly are too ugly for live.
And stuff like this is just awful to read.
I understand you thought this would be funny, but it’s awful.

I'm trying to think of all people I know whom I would deem "ugly" and all those who were never in relationship (or at least lasting ones).

These are not the same people. For one - everyone has different beauty standards. Yes, there are sunning people who are attracting more attention than others, but if we're talking relationships it takes more than attention alone.

Yes, people I know who were never popular in the dating scene may not be conventionally attractive, but they are not some hideous monsters and most of them could easily be in a relationship if they possessed other desirable qualities in terms of behaviour or personality.

The type of men that hound women, sleaze over women are not the type of men you want attention from.

I don't think op is saying she wants this.

She wants the attention of men after 38 years of wanting a relationship, yes.

People coming here and talking about how hard it is getting unwanted attention, I think need to read the room. It's fine for op to want to vent about her own situation

Thank you @ChefMike

I really don’t understand some of these commenters.

Exactly.

And it’s like they are not understanding the implications of this on someone’s life, and self-esteem and that’s it’s actually real.

It is surprising to me yes that a woman has had no attention in 38 years, but i have no doubt op is telling the truth about her own life.

Do you have friends? Do you socialise?

Could you been seen as too independent and unapproachable ( meant kindly)

Considering the thread title is “I’m so fucking envious of women who have male admirers”, I don’t think it’s unreasonable some women have offered their own experiences of being on the other side of this.

That was because it came across that she wanted men to notice her, like other women have, which then spurred other women saying it's not that great in their experience, due to men like these. I'm not saying she is seeking those men but generally, in my experience, those men are the ones doing it.

However, if you settle for the way of thinking that no man finds you attractive ever and don't accept maybe some do, which I'm fully aware is hard to do, doesn't mean it's true and will only hinder you more.

@UglyNameChange I was just laughing at the thought of a man having sex with leaves, so we're clear.

Let's say you are actually as unattractive as you feel. You've stated that some women really are "too ugly". What about men? It's like you've counted yourself out of the race because everyone else is faster and it's simply not the case.

It's a sliding scale. You're not in or out of the attractive gang. Go and sit in your local town centre on a Saturday afternoon and watch who walks past. There will be people of all shapes and sizes, all levels of attractiveness both physical and otherwise, and there absolutely will be couples who have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down and they will be in love.

some women truly are too ugly for live.

This is not even slightly true. I don't care how you look, you absolutely deserve to live and be happy.

Do you think you deserve to be loved? Do you have friends or family that love you?

Yes and yes.

I smile, I’m polite. I talk, bit on the quiter side, but I do engage.
Last thing I’d call myself would be ’icy’, I’m certainly not intimidating 😆
I don’t know what word to use, but imagine the lady who bakes and knits and is happy to bring these over if anyone wants.
Pets love me though, they always find me and want to stay with me.

It just be so hard. You sound like a good person to be around. It’s just a shame it’s not led to a relationship. Do you hang out with male friends to widen social circle?

Im the oppose. I’m pretty but overweight yet my friendliness is frequently misconstrued as flirting. Apparently I give a certain look. Fuck knows what look but us not intentional.

Do you think you deserve to be loved?

Yes. I never had a problem with this, in and off itself.
But it doesn’t mean others think the same way.
It’s kind of when someone says non-sense that ’it’s the inner beauty’ that counts, but that doesn’t mean anyone else sees this ’beauty’ and treats you like they treat conventionally attractive people.
I mean there are studies that people treat good looking people better, and let’s be honest - it foesnmt mean personality.

Do you have friends or family that love you?

I’d guess so, I come from culture where love is really meant for partners, couples.
We don’t say love you to friends or family like that.
But I’m sure they care about me, like I care about them.
It’s great of course, but it’s not anywhere near same as actually companionship.

OP, I don't believe you are so ugly that no man could ever be attracted to you. I just don't. I'm thinking of my other friends who say the same and they simply are NOT ugly.

But let's say that you are. Even then, be very careful of deciding that this supposed ugliness is the reason for everything that you're unhappy about. These things can sometimes be a convenient hook on which to hang our, well, hang ups, and the reason we give for everything we want and don't have.

And that stops us from making changes.

I don't think being "nice" or "liked" is a factor.

I know a bloke who is really nice, and ok looking...yet perpetually single. Everyone would love to see him dating, but at the same time no female friend wants to