Work wife. Is this cheating?

[parker06]

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

He's still planning on giving her a birthday gift?!

OP, get some self respect. Get angry!

Tell him to cut off all contact with this woman (change jobs, change gyms, no more texting, nothing) or to leave your marital home immediately.

He's trying to make it your choice- force it back on him. Let him bare the shame of ruining his own marriage.

How dare he disrespect you like this.

This is so hurtful, he knows how much he’s upset you but it feels like he’s putting her first. Still messaging and still buying her things. This is pretty selfish of him.

I know you don’t want tk tell family or friends yet but you really need support and this idiot needs to see what he’s losing with you.

No no no! He is having a side chick in front of your eyes and being open about it means he thinks he can continue if you don't take an action. Tell the family, it's not on you. It's not embarrassment, he is a dumb ass idiot. Leave this man please, his behaviour is unacceptable and it's just getting worse!

@parker06 talk to your family. He is isolating you from friends and families (unintentionally or otherwise) and giving you the responsibility for making the decision. You need support and you absolutely shouldn't be doing all the leg work on this. This is his responsibility.

My DH had a staff member chasing him at one point. He moved jobs (took a while), blocked her number, stopped going our for lunch in the big group and stopped responding to any emails etc. It isn't rocket science. If he chooses you. Hew chooses you. No ifs, no buts, no "next week".

They are dating/ courting each other. Under your nose. Openly. I don't know whether he plans to progress this any further but that's what this behaviour is. If he was serious about you, which you deserve then he would cut this woman off apart from essential work comms until he could find another job. He would recognise things have gone too far.

He could say to her 'I respect you as a colleague but lines have been crossed in our past communications. My priorities are my marriage, family and work so I'm going to have to take a step back from our communications and friendship. I'm very sorry for the confusion I have caused and will of course be available to discuss operational matters'. Not an easy convo but a possible one.

He is refusing to take any such steps and is continuing to buy her presents and chat about non work matters, kisses and all.

I know it's easy to say LTB when we have never even met but he is not taking you seriously and is getting more involved with another woman, probably fooling himself that this is within 'guidelines' since they (probably) haven't had sex yet.

Speak to someone in person who you trust. Don't be embarrassed. He's not the first or the last.

He isn't respecting you. You need to respect yourself.

Exactly what @Frogmila says.

@parker06 I’m sure you don’t want to hear any of this. These are good women raging on your behalf because we can all see objectively what he is doing to you.
However at present you must be emotionally exhausted, in pain, gaslit to the hilt by his manipulative behaviour and feeling too low to even contemplate dealing with any of it. Please don’t try, as tempting as it might be, to start doing mental gymnastics in your head to make any of what he’s doing seem ok and fair enough or acceptable. It isn’t. Not any of it.
It’s easy for us to shout LTB when it’s not our lives or relationships, but we can see here that he’s got no intention of stopping this, the very wise @MsDogLady has summed him up perfectly. He hadn’t got the balls to act decently and either end it and commit to you or end it with her, so is hoping that by treating you abominably you’ll do his dirty work for him and he can be a victim.
The thing about dirty work, like weeding for example, is that once it’s done, everything is clean and new afterwards, fabulous things can grow in the fresh new space, all the crap that clogged up the garden is gone.
That garden is your life @parker06 . What do you want for your life? How do you want to be loved? Who deserves to be in your life? He needs to go, he needs to feel the loss of you, nothing will change as things are, even if you wanted them to.
It’s hard dirty work now, and I feel so sorry for you, but the space you create with distance will be beautiful again. Take care of yourself, put yourself first. X

So much good advice 🙇🏻‍♀️ from many kind posters.

One thing I would add is that if you go through the pain of making him walk and he suddenly has the realisation it was you he wanted all along. Kick him to the curb.

It really shouldn't take 'that' for him to notice how much you mean to him.

You deserve to be loved by someone's whole heart ♥️ we all do.

If he seriously had regrets about his behaviour he would cut all ties with her, stop messaging her, change jobs and change gyms, and remove himself from situations where they can speak. The fact that he is still texting her, has bought her a birthday gift and still intends to give her the gift - it just smacks of no commitment to stopping this. I'm curious as to why he keeps telling you more information which makes the story worse - I'm not sure what his motivation is, other than for you to end the relationship.

I think he is trying to hedge his bets.

He isn't sure that the other woman is ready to actually be with him, so he's keeping them both warm for now. He's telling himself he's a good guy because nothing has technically happened and he's been so transparent with his wife.

If the other woman doesn't actually want to be serious with him, he'll be fine he's still kept his wife.

If the other woman gives him the green light, then he can go be with her while telling everyone that nothing happened and they were just friends until he split with OP 'I even let her read my phone!'

OP needs to give him an ultimatum and force him to choose his marriage or taking a chance on the shiny new woman.

It’s easy for us to shout LTB when it’s not our lives or relationships, but we can see here that he’s got no intention of stopping this

this OP x

It sounds like he hasn’t got the balls to either end things with you or to end things with her and if neither of you are forcing the issue he might wonder why should have to as that way he continues as he is and avoids any awkwardness or difficulties.

If you end it, it is easy for him as he can blame you in his head and he is fault less. She may or may not want him. If she pushes him to make a choice he may choose her or he may choose you.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to wait around until he decides what to do or to see if he continues half heartedly stringing you both along for however many years. But that is up to you.

Many years ago when I was in my late teens early twenties I worked with a man who had had a string of affairs. I know of at least three with various work colleagues I knew well all single and all younger than him and younger than his wife (but their was rumoured to be others). Each time his wife took him back and he told the girlfriend it was because of the kids and because he didn’t want to cause upset between his family and his wifes family. They are still together now umpteen years and goodness knows how many affairs later.

Another friend years ago was married to a philanderer she covered up for him and made excuses for him for years. One day she finally told her parents, told me her best friend and told another good friend and once she had done this she felt their was no going back. But she said she knew this would be the case which was why she finally told us as it gave her the strength and support and it made it easier for her. She also had two young children to him. She met someone else who loved her to bits and she was really happy.

You take care OP do you have one or two really close friends who you trust to confide on. xx

OP is going to do the pick me dance isn’t she.

I would be upset about this. For what it’s worth my ExDH told he felt his work wife was his soulmate - at that point i knew our marriage was in trouble and I didn’t want to come second

Thank you everyone. He got her some chocolate for her birthday and she got his some chocolate too from a holiday she went on recently. I've told my sister now she's furious and told me to leave him. I think you're all right, he's waiting for me to do something. Shouldn't I fight for my marriage though? I feel like I should be trying to fight, if I tell him to leave do you think he will go straight to her?

If he wants your marriage, let him fight for it. You do all you can to get maximum benefit from the work you've put in - get a good solicitor and let your sister support you with her righteous anger.

And I was right, sadly.

You dont leave him, that would make it far to comfortable. He leaves.
Is she living alone? Does she actually want a full time partner? or is it just game.
Either way, he needs a cold look at reality, tell him he is leaving, & he can think about his actions from a Premier Inn

You cant fight for a marriage, if he has already decided you dont matter

He's already told you both that if he wasn't with you then he'd be with her so.......

He's having an emotional affair (if not more as he's clearly dripfeeding) and thinks that's fine because he's telling you all the gory details.

I expect he wants you to end things because then he doesn't have to take any responsibility at all. He can blame it ending on you.

He won't find a new job I bet you any money, it will all just be false promises with no real effort put in - just a few rubbish pretend applications at most.

If you want to force his hand then it would probably be better to say you're moving away because of his emotional affair and it's up to him if he wants to come with you - he then has to make the choice and you're not playing the pick me dance. Not sure how realistic moving away would be for you though. I think I would want to get away from all this though whether it was with or without him - what's your financial situation?

YOU don't do anything but kick his sorry ass out! HE fights, HE begs, HE changes so you can attempt to trust him again! If he goes to her, let him, and if he does NEVER let him back to you. You're worth more than being second best to a cheating loser.

If you fight for your marriage and 'win' I guarantee you will be doing this again in2/3 years time. This man is not a prize OP. He is a shallow, seeker of greener things. His commitment is not to you, it's to himself.

He will probably go straight to her but that's no reason to 'fight' a lost battle. He will go there anyway, if not today maybe next week or next month. Please please gather all your strength, take the support of your sister and put yourself in the driving seat - he is no longer coming on your life journey, he has chosen a different route and however painful it is you cannot make him want to come with you. Somewhere along the way someone else will join you and he will be so far in the rear view mirror he'll be just a speck behind you.

Of course he would go to her? They have both said they’d be together if it weren’t for you.

But so what if he goes to her?

What’s the alternative? Staying with a man who you know would prefer to be with someone else? Is that really want you want for your future?

Let him run off to her and let everyone see what a twat he is.

It’s not you who should be fighting for your marriage, it’s him and he clearly isn’t interested in doing that because he continues to prioritise her over you.

Open your eyes OP to what is happening and tell him to get out and stay out.

Sorry op but I don’t think he’s fighting for your marriage. If he was then he would be non contact with her, he wouldn’t still be messaging and buying her stuff. He would be so apologetic and remorseful and would be actively trying to get you to forgive him.

sorry to say but feels like he’s putting her first and I think he might go to her and say you’ve thrown
him out.

I’m glad you’ve spoken to your sister, real life support is so important. This man is such a waste of space and you don’t deserve all this heartbreak.