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Original poster

Work wife. Is this cheating?

228 replies

parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:03

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:55

Your feelings are totally justified. I would worry it has already developed in to a EA, for them both to agree they would be with each other. Thats not just a work colleague. What was your husband hoping to achieve by telling you? Honestly. Like I said, now you need to give yourself time to decide how you feel and what YOU want to do.

Hiddenvoice · 13/08/2023 21:57

I’ve had colleagues that I was very friendly with and had ‘banter’ with but again I would refer to them as a friend of brother type. He’s already crossed the line into emotional affair to me. It feels like that have already spoken about feelings.

Original poster
parker06 · 13/08/2023 22:00

He did keep saying that he was really drunk and wouldn't have said anything to her otherwise. I'm not defending him but could that be true? Just a drunken confession of a crush rather than wanting to be with someone else even though we were happily married so I thought

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 13/08/2023 22:01

My exhusband had a work wife ( she 17, he 32, married with 2 very young children). Lots of jokes about it. Oh so amusing. Then he fucked off with her. I divorced him.
Friends husband used to spend a lot of time with their teenage babysitter ( she 16 ,he 32). They took the children to the park one day without my friend. When the children came home they were laughing and joking about how funny it would be if daddy and babysitter got married. Friend found out on a family holiday at Center Parcs that the babysitter was 3 months pregnant with his baby. He fucked off with her. She divorced him
Be careful of jokes and jollity and throwaway comments. They often hide the truth. Testing the water is just the start

Jl2014 · 13/08/2023 22:04

Emotional affair. This is a disaster waiting to happen. They’re both pushing this and the fact that they’ve had that conversation frankly is paving the way for something else to happen.

QuaversAndRedbull · 13/08/2023 22:09

SarahAndQuack · 13/08/2023 21:29

I think he was being manipulative. He used the term 'work wife' to see if you reacted. Then, when you didn't, he pushed it a bit further and said he'd be with her if he weren't with you. He's being a dick - trying to gauge your reaction to a potential affair/existing emotional affair, by using colloquialisms like 'work wife'.

IMO the terms 'work wife' or 'work husband' are jokey, possibly slightly non-PC ways to refer to someone you work closely with, who has your back at work. He's using it as a cover for normalising his very non-work-related feelings for a co-worker.

It would make more sense to use work sister or work mother if it's just about the loyalty and looking out for each other. I know it's meant to be a jokey term but the people I know in real life have only ever use work husband or work wife when it's sort of flirty and different to other colleagues.

My brother had a "work wife" and it caused problems in his marriage, he had male colleagues he was close to but he didn't call them work husbands and when sil asked him why that's was he said because he's not gay, which to sil showed that it was beyond just being close friends, he wouldn't care about jokingly call his male close work mates a work husband because he's not actually wanting to fuck them.

They had little pet names for each other too.

QuaversAndRedbull · 13/08/2023 22:12

parker06 · 13/08/2023 22:00

He did keep saying that he was really drunk and wouldn't have said anything to her otherwise. I'm not defending him but could that be true? Just a drunken confession of a crush rather than wanting to be with someone else even though we were happily married so I thought

Id kind of be expecting him to have only told you what he thinks you'll believe and won't be shocked if he didn't already have a drunken fumble.

Hiddenvoice · 13/08/2023 22:13

Sorry, I wouldn’t take being drunk as an excuse, it would make me worry more that he’s meant it since being drunk getting drunken courage.

Tessabelle74 · 13/08/2023 22:20

My husband has better be phoning her to stay the night as he wouldn't be welcome at home any more! I'd say he's definitely done the deed with her and THAT'S why he's feeling guilty!

mbernue · 13/08/2023 22:24

Disgusting behaviour.

ASGIRC · 13/08/2023 22:25

I have had a work husband, he was married, I was single, his wife also worked with us, so am also friends with her.
Never, in a million years, would it ever cross our minds to be together if he wasnt married! Our relationship was and is purely platonic (we just dont work together anymore, so hes no longer a work husband, just a good friend!)

So I dont really have an issue with work wives/husbands... But what your husband said about his "work wife" would definitely worry me... It sounds more like and emotional affair than just a good working relationship.

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 22:26

I worked as a receptionist at a financial company. I chatted to a lot of employees there, as that was my role.
The only person I ever came across at that company who self-described herself as a "work wife" - was madly in love with her married boss. She was PA to a CEO and Christ her behaviour towards him was cringe inducing.

I'd be really pissed off if I were you.

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 13/08/2023 22:28

Hiddenvoice · 13/08/2023 22:13

Sorry, I wouldn’t take being drunk as an excuse, it would make me worry more that he’s meant it since being drunk getting drunken courage.

Agree with this. Plus how the hell is being drunk an excuse. Does he now mean he won’t be going out for work drinks etc. in the future? If “I was drunk” is an excuse then he should be stopping the alcohol around this woman for good, surely. How will you ever trust him around her again? Declaring feelings for someone else turns it from a secret little crush (we can all get crushes!) to emotional cheating.
I’m sorry you’re in this position OP. Personally I’d never be able to trust him around her again, and given they’ve now crossed this boundary into admitting romantic feelings for each other it’s only a matter of time. And at this stage he’s in that addiction stage of the affair, so will only get better at hiding it from you now he knows it upsets you. Other than him getting a new job and staying the hell away from her for good, I don’t know how you can ever trust he won’t engage in a full blown affair, because he will. Affairs (contrary to popular belief) don’t happen overnight and ones that start as emotional affairs are very hard to resist or break away from until it’s too late.

Mindovermatter247 · 13/08/2023 22:28

we say work wife/husband in the sense you see someone at work more than anyone else…
he’s using the phrase (IMO) as a coverup for his feelings. I have a work husband but there are absolutely no feelings other than friendship. I probs see him more than my DP.
even if I did I wouldn’t tell DP what he told you. You keep that to yourself

readbooksdrinktea · 13/08/2023 22:30

Nah, not cool. Emotional affair waiting to happen. I'd be pissed.

HVPRN · 13/08/2023 22:36

AngelinaFibres · 13/08/2023 22:01

My exhusband had a work wife ( she 17, he 32, married with 2 very young children). Lots of jokes about it. Oh so amusing. Then he fucked off with her. I divorced him.
Friends husband used to spend a lot of time with their teenage babysitter ( she 16 ,he 32). They took the children to the park one day without my friend. When the children came home they were laughing and joking about how funny it would be if daddy and babysitter got married. Friend found out on a family holiday at Center Parcs that the babysitter was 3 months pregnant with his baby. He fucked off with her. She divorced him
Be careful of jokes and jollity and throwaway comments. They often hide the truth. Testing the water is just the start

16? And 17? They're children. That is so wrong.

Frogmila · 13/08/2023 22:42

Yeah its inappropriate.

I would remind him calmly and seriously that he has told another woman that he views her as marriage material but for you being there. She reciprocated. They have both admitted to having feelings for one another. He has then come back and told you all about this.

'Work wife' jokey cameraderie nonsense aside, ask him what he would like you to do with this information. He has admitted to sharing feelings with another woman with whom he works closely and has developed a close relationship. How exactly are you supposed to respond and what would he like to do next. He can at least have the decency to explain himself to you.

He isn't saying it was meaningless drunken drivel, just that he wouldn't have told her sober. That isn't the same as it not being true. He owes you the truth.

Acornsoup · 13/08/2023 22:47

Hiding in plain sight emotional affair - you've even sanctioned it by having the conversation (in his tiny brain).

Tell him to knock it off and ask to be moved, or leave. This is not ok.

youtwoandme · 13/08/2023 22:55

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

I bet that's not all that was said or happened when he was drunk! ... I'm so sorry OP. This is a HUGE red flag 🚩

Octosaurus · 13/08/2023 23:00

Omg yes emotional cheating and esp buying her treats!!!!

MamaBear9 · 13/08/2023 23:09

My ex cheated on me with his ‘work wife’. He’d dismiss my concerns, before I caught them. I actually felt relieved that I had been right all along.

I believe your DH is being really selfish, and is trying to get you to break up with him so he can pursue her ‘guilt free’. He’d deny it if you suggested this but there’s no other reason for him to keep telling you about her.

Either he stops working with her/cuts all contact, and prioritises strengthening your relationship - or he keeps flirting with his work crush until it becomes physical and he leaves you for her.

WibblyWobblyTimeyWimeyStuff · 13/08/2023 23:10

SarahAndQuack · 13/08/2023 21:29

I think he was being manipulative. He used the term 'work wife' to see if you reacted. Then, when you didn't, he pushed it a bit further and said he'd be with her if he weren't with you. He's being a dick - trying to gauge your reaction to a potential affair/existing emotional affair, by using colloquialisms like 'work wife'.

IMO the terms 'work wife' or 'work husband' are jokey, possibly slightly non-PC ways to refer to someone you work closely with, who has your back at work. He's using it as a cover for normalising his very non-work-related feelings for a co-worker.

Yep this! @parker06 Your DH sounds like a vile manipulative arsehole, trying to make you jealous and insecure. Are you quite pretty? Do other men fancy you/chat to you? Some men get crazy jealous when other men fancy their wife, and will try create fictional bullshit stories about other women who fancy them, and who they may fancy too, to make you insecure and upset, and feel grateful to have him. I would tell him he is an absolute fucking dickhead and you want a divorce. He can go chase his little work wife then can't he?

Elmer83 · 13/08/2023 23:11

Sod that. He’s disrespecting you and your marriage

Absolemsbong · 13/08/2023 23:21

I’m trying to work out what universe he lives in that he thought telling you this would be a good idea???

I dunno it just smacks of mind games to me…trying to get you to compete with this woman, or trying to throw you off balance.

The intention wasn’t good whichever way you look at it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/08/2023 23:22

Oh op

this is horrible

he’s having an emotional affair in plain sight

the optimal action really is to show how seriously you take this and put your foot down and walk away

he either cares enough to stop this
and if he doesn’t I’d walk away as you don’t have ties

really horrible

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