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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work wife. Is this cheating?

228 replies

parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:03

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
parker06 · 17/08/2023 09:43

Thank you all. I haven't found anger yet just panick stress. Not really thinking long term atm I don't know what to do atm. He's still seeing her at work sent a few texts to her, he doesn't mind me seeing the texts and they're very friendly andshe always puts a kiss at the end of her sentences. Little things like that. Him saying he will come see her to say hello at work and things that he's fine with. He doesn't get why I'm upset he's saying he's communicating with me about every interaction

OP posts:
Olika · 17/08/2023 09:52

Personally I feel very uncomfy about this all. Even with him showing the messages etc. just not ok. No coming to see her at work, no letting her send him kisses. This all is just not acceptable. I am so sorry you have to go through this bs.

Gazelda · 17/08/2023 10:11

He fancies her. She fancies him. Those are facts that he's told you. Does he really not see how this has threatened your marriage. He's being disloyal. And how disrespectful it is to you. he's essentially told you that you're in his way of a relationship with her.

Don't accept this. He either wakes up and realised what a dick he's been and that he owes you a lifetime of apology. Or he accepts that he's ended your marriage, broken your heart and behaved in a way that few reasonable people could respect.

If he were my friend, I'd lose all respect for him and not welcome any new relationship with his work-wife into the friendship circle in a million years.

What are your plans OP? Can you talk to a friend? Share your thoughts and fears. Allow someone who knows you to tell you that you deserve better. Because, even though I don't know you, I'm certain you don't deserve this from your husband.

Freeme31 · 17/08/2023 10:13

Sorry your going through this is not fair. He should be cutting her out of his life if he wants to keep you but he is not wanting to do that. Can you move out or ask him to move out so you can think more clearly. His friendship with her should not be more important than his marriage but unfortunately it is. Save yourself more heartache and leave him it's the only way he will see sense. He obviously can't live without her in his life and you deserve better. Why can't he put you first - do you think ?

UnderCarraigeWoes · 17/08/2023 10:14

Tell him no texts, no meeting up, nothing at all that isn't absolutely necessary due to their work.

He needs to entirely cut her off and tell her that it's upset you and he values how you feel over her.

If he isn't willing to do this then I'm afraid you know exactly where you stand in the pecking order and he's putting his ego and her feelings over yours.

jolaylasofia · 17/08/2023 11:38

i would not be happy at all and that doesn't seem like a platonic relationship if he's saying things like that. He clearly likes her in that way. I have a best friend at work who is male, also married with children. I'm friends with his wife too. Never ever felt anything towards him i find it repulsive, he's like a brother.

sodthesodoff · 17/08/2023 11:44

No. You need to take control

It's not okay. He needs to stop texting. And if he doesn't like it well then you know where you fit in his priorities.

Tbh if he refuses you have your answer.

Acornsoup · 17/08/2023 14:07

parker06 · 17/08/2023 09:43

Thank you all. I haven't found anger yet just panick stress. Not really thinking long term atm I don't know what to do atm. He's still seeing her at work sent a few texts to her, he doesn't mind me seeing the texts and they're very friendly andshe always puts a kiss at the end of her sentences. Little things like that. Him saying he will come see her to say hello at work and things that he's fine with. He doesn't get why I'm upset he's saying he's communicating with me about every interaction

Of course 'he's' fine with it. I mean why would he stop. But this isn't about him. It's about your marriage and respecting the vows you made. He has massively overstepped. Do you not feel like you can stand your ground or does he pursuance you it's no big deal? I don't think he gets that you will never be able to trust him Flowers

Friarclose · 17/08/2023 14:31

Sounds like he's in love with her.

I'd give him an ultimatum, either he leaves to be with her or he finds another job.

His choice.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/08/2023 17:14

Wow. He has got some brass neck hasn’t he? He really thinks he can do what the fuck he wants and you’ll just take it…

Callyem · 17/08/2023 17:52

Im astounded he is still texting her. Tell him ZERO outside of work communication immediately as an absolute minimum. Ask him if he would be ok with you texting a guy you openly had feelings for and held hands with.

He doesn't seem to be taking this seriously at all.

Ellie1015 · 17/08/2023 17:55

It doesnt matter if he believes in emotional affairs or not.

He has accepted his behaviour means he should look for a new job yet wont stop communicating. He doesn't get it i would be done with him.

Rightioohh · 17/08/2023 18:03

Wow to hurt you this much and continue texting?! Unbelievable. Making it an open secret doesn’t make it ok at all.
I would say to him anymore communication with her , you’re going. Yes he needs to leave the job and the friggin gym ( why is it ok to leave his job but not the gym??)
This is an affair in my eyes, even if nothing physical has happened ( I mean how can you even be sure?) It’s not a crush, it’s gone beyond that.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/08/2023 18:06

Wow

im on the find your anger camp now op

the cunt that he is, still texting her and showing you her xxx messages
shes a proper cunt too , stupid cow

have you any life support ? Probably not helpful but you need some enraged real life people on your side here to fire you up

Malificent1 · 17/08/2023 18:45

It’s still cheating. It’s called cheating in plain sight. It’s even more cruel in my opinion. Find your rage, you deserve so much better.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2023 19:50

Your H isa prick and whilst some mumsnetters will say the other woman 'owes you nothing' - she is a right piece of work too - she deserves him

Original poster
parker06 · 17/08/2023 22:08

I have family but can't bring myself to tell anyone yet I feel embarrassed, they will hate him and then that means maybe I can't save the relationship. We've been together a long time ten years give or take a few months. He told me he's got her a birthday gift as well, I don't know why he's telling me anything none of this makes sense to me but some of you have said maybe he wants me to do the leaving and I think that might be right

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 17/08/2023 22:25

You must talk to your family in real life - this is his embarrassment/his shame/his affair - it's all on him! Your friends/family will love & support you - unlike your husband

Diddykong · 17/08/2023 22:33

So he's still texting, hanging out with her. He has no intention to stop this affair and it is an affair. I'd feel totally disrespected and unloved at this point. Have some self respect and ask him to leave!

Buildingthefuture · 17/08/2023 22:33

I’m so sorry op, but this is NOT normal. His behaviour and the things he is telling you are frankly appalling. I know you are in shock, I know you literally cannot believe what is happening but honestly? The ONLY person who can stop this now is you.
You need to find your anger, channel your inner warrior and tell him to FUCK OFF.
NONE of this is on you, his behaviour is entirely his decision and nothing you ever could have done or said would have prevented it. But, it has happened and you really, really cannot let him treat you like this. Whatever happens, for your own sanity moving forward, stop this NOW and tell him to go. Take his birthday presents for some other woman, along with his messages and his kisses and FUCK OFF AWAY FROM YOU. And mean it. He doesn’t deserve the steam off your piss 🤬🤬🤬🤬

MsDogLady · 17/08/2023 22:35

Seeking her out at work, meeting at the gym, chatting with kisses … he’s not distancing from OW at all and doesn’t intend to. He is determined to maintain his cake eating status, and is confident that you’re going nowhere.

@parker06, he can show you their messages til the cows come home, but that faux transparency won’t tell the full story. They will avoid writing anything explicit or OTT. You already know that this is not just friendly chat between two colleagues/platonic friends. Underneath is a current of mutual attraction and romantic feelings, which they admitted before walking down the street holding hands. When they see, speak to, and message each other, they feel a spark and frisson …. and a wish to be together. Their colleagues are well aware.

The truth is, he feels entitled to have both a Wife and a Girlfriend. When will you take the bull by the horns and take action, @parker06? This man needs to feel the loss of you to understand that you mean business. Aren’t you so fed up and disgusted? How can you stand to look at his disloyal face and breathe the same air?

MsDogLady · 17/08/2023 23:35

…they will hate him and then that means maybe I can’t save the relationship.

I just saw your update.

@parker06, it is very troubling that you, the betrayed spouse, believe that saving the relationship is your responsibility. He and he alone is responsible for his infidelity, so he must do the work for marital recovery and restoration of your trust. As it is, he’s doing a masterful job of destroying it all.

He’s told me he’s got her a birthday gift as well.

What a monster, treating you like his sister as he shares how he is wooing his new girlfriend. It’s clear now. He has unilaterally opened up your marriage and is rubbing your face in it. He has an agenda to discard you and his goading you to end it.

Find your gumption and tell this abusive loser to get out.

Zipps · 18/08/2023 00:07

He wants you to chuck him out so that he can go to her as the poor victim. I actually would definitely dump and be rid of him. Buying her presents? Come on!
I know it must be very stressful at the moment but please find your self respect.
I don't have any tolerance this work wife bollocks.
Why not call it what it is- 'woman at work I'd like to fuck' or possibly 'woman at work i'm fucking' seems more appropriate.

MsDogLady · 18/08/2023 00:32

…is goading

1FootInTheRave · 18/08/2023 01:07

This is over anyway op.

You can leave with a shred of dignity and seek solace in friends and family. Knowing you're not a mug. And not second best.

Or, he's likely to leave you anyway. This IS an affair already. And you aren't his priority.

You'll be okay. It's going to hurt like fuck. But you'll be okay in time.

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