Work wife. Is this cheating?

[parker06]

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

It does sound like they have already been meeting at the gym 😔 I would ask exactly how long they have been meeting there. Was anyone else actually in this work night out? Are you absolutely sure it was a team thing for the whole evening - excluding the walk.

The more I've read the worse he sounds, get rid of him op while you're not tied to him in anyway (no kids).

He clearly has feelings for this woman so tell him to get out and he can hope that she does actually feel the same way once he's available.

You deserve better than this, I hope you have some supportive friends/family x

He clearly fancies her which is OK as I'm sure all married people fancies others. However, he shouldn't have told her and shouldn't have told you! It's not cheating but it's definitely crossing a line.

Don't put up with this OP. Your husband has shown you he is not trustworthy. I'd be getting my ducks in a row and going to see a solicitor.

So until he finds a new job is he still going to be"chatting " to her at work? You cannot let him keep meeting her at the gym you mental health will be awful every time he leaves for the gym. He needs to read up about emotional affairs and understand he is cheating on you.

Urgh. My heart goes out to you. How are you feeling now? Is there anyone you can Talk to in real life?

I'm so sorry. With every update it appears he's following the dickhead Cheater script to perfection.

There will be more. He's pushing your boundaries. Other posters have already said it better than I can. I just hope you're okay.

Its good if he has offered to change job.
But has he started revamping hus CV ??? Words are eady.& Big Boy may just have to stop going to the gym.
It would be even better if he told her he wasn't planning to leave you, & stopped before this EA. destroys your marriage.
I would tell him he needs to choose definitively to eject het or fuck off & live elsewhere.
And mean it.

Typos sorry

Nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say sorry that you are going through this right now.

His behaviour is not ok. Not one bit. He doesnt believe in emotional affairs? Well isnt that convenient. They exist and are actually as painful or perhaps more painful than a purely physical affair.
He needs a reality check. I'd be putting a big space between you right now.

He doesn't have to give up the gym but he should switch gyms to show he's serious.

I think work wife/husband only works in a situation where it would not be plausible for those two people to be together. My work husband is a large 63 year old man who makes me tea and talks to me at length about Villa. He has met my DH many many times. My DH work wife is a 55 year old lesbian who was his line manager when he started work. They meet for a coffee on a Wednesday morning. I have met her and her wife for dinner.

This is way beyond a work wife in-joke.
They are at the dating stage - they've admitted they fancy each other, they've admitted that if you weren't in the picture, they'd be dating, they've held hands and he gets jealous of other men showing an interest in her. He's openly wooing another woman and telling you like you are his sister or something. This is massively disrespectful to your marriage

Why are you settling for this? Why isn't he out on his arse for this?

Apparently she told him the same back, if he wasn't married she would happily be with him

That is a shame. I once had a guy at work say the same. Was really weird and I had no idea what he expected me to say as he was just a regular colleague in my eyes. While my mind went ‘well, I wouldn’t have you under any circumstance’, I just said something like ‘oh, right then’ and walked away. Weird.

What the fuck.

Not good enough.

Changing gyms would be an absolute minimum.

There is a difference between occasionally running into someone around town with no way of knowing when, versus regularly going a place like work or the gym where you might hope to see your crush.

Absolutely insist on changing gyms. The audacity of this prick.

Your update and it gets even worse to be honest. As I mentioned upthread, I was a work wife in my last job and it was a jokey term and absolutely innocent. I think your husband is using the term to try and hide the strong romantic feelings he has for this colleague and even to pretend that this is normal. It isn’t. He is cheating. I honestly think as you have no children, you should cut your losses, you deserve better than this.

Op
im so sorry to read the updates

and realising this and reading the responses here must be horrible

and - you’ll get through this
I know you can’t imagine this but you will

in simple terms he’s not honouring the promise he made when he married you
forsake all others ?

I think you have right to be very angry at this and whilst I’ll not tell you how to behave - do what feels right

and sorry I agree a Soliciter meeting is worth considering
just to get clear x

Oh God @parker06 PLEASE leave this man. You deserve so much better!

Doesn't want to change his gym? Why on earth not? Even in small towns there are several gyms these days.

It shouldn't be you pushing for this. If he is serious then he should be realising he has fucked up and wanting to prove to you he wants to preserve your marriage, not maintain ways of contacting his 'work wife' even if there is a small amount of inconvenience to him such as changing to a different bloody gym. I would be taking this reluctance very seriously.

… also made it clear that she goes to the same gym and he’s not leaving that…

@parker06, this is unacceptable. Total NC should be a non-negotiable requirement.

Find your anger. Where does he get off deciding the terms of your recovery? He’s really not afraid of losing you, is he. The gym is one of the venues where he and OW conduct their affair. It’s clear that he does not feel true remorse and is not willing to give her up.

He did keep saying that he was really drunk and wouldn’t have said anything to her otherwise.
I keep going back to this statement. He wants you to believe that spilling his strong feelings to OW was his only transgression. Yes, telling her was a horrific breach, but it was also a terrible betrayal to spend months acting on his infatuation and building this illicit intimate relationship.

He’s taking you for a fool by trying to convince you that it’s all been kosher, as he hasn’t kissed her. From their initial flirting and bantering —> ego-boosting, confiding, gifting —> jealousy, declaring feelings, locking eyes, and holding hands like love birds, this has been an escalating affair and it’s still going on.

Even if he does change jobs, his cheating will continue and accelerate at the gym and elsewhere. Kick him to the curb, @parker06.

This guy is taking the absolute piss.

Absolutely vile behaviour, I personally think you should invite her over for tea and dish the most cringeworthy and embarrassing past stories and behaviour of your husbands that you can think of.
…Put a pin in that shit.

Vom worthy interactions aside I really don’t like the way he’s telling you all this like he’s trying to make you do the pick me dance, destroy your confidence and make you anxious.

Is your husband usually a game playing, manipulative cunt?

No, no, no, no, no. What on earth am I reading? oP, as PP have stated FIND YOUR ANGER.
Whether he believes in emotional affairs or not isn't the issue. The problem is that his head has been turned and he isn't willing to stop looking.

He is not being faithful to you, he is not prioritizing his marriage and he is flushing his family life down the toilet. What a catch, eh?

He does not get to tell you how you digest this information, he does not get to tell you how to feel and by being 'honest' re contact in the gym, he is expecting you to accept this.

*NO. He broke your trust. He is playing with you and being kind. Either he walks away from her completely, with zero contact, and starts to show some remorse, or he walks away from his family. There is no third option.
*
OP, you deserve better. I am guessing that your fear is that he will leave the marital home and go straight to his WW. And that is a very real possibility, let's be honest.

He is showing you his true self here. Believe him.

And may his willie turn green and fall off.

NC for this as I'm not proud.

When I was in my mid-twenties I was the 'work-wife' in this situation, it was very much an emotional affair. We would chat about our lives and troubles (I was in a relationship and he was married) and I found a connection I didn't have at home. It developed over a couple of years from a close friendship. The closest we got was holding hands after a drunken night out and then loads of late night messages from him imagining what it would be like if we could be together that shocked me into reality that we were very much in emotional affair territory.

It ended messily, his wife never found out but my bf did and it split us up. (This was a good thing for me as he was a serial chest who physically and emotionally abused me but it doesn't make what I did any better.)

It's only now I am happily married that I realise how disrespectful I was to his wife (who he is still with). It was over 10 years ago and we still work together but not closely and we never speak about anything personal anymore. My husband knows about it.

I don't know what to make of the fact that your husband has been so open about this to you. Do you think he wants to end things? Or wants you to do it? If this was my husband I would be livid.

Whether he believes what he's doing doesn't border on emotional affair or not is irrelevant. He's crossed boundaries.

His last priority should be the bloody gym! He should be doing everything to make sure that his words and actions are putting you and your feelings first after this mess he's created! He needs to understand the trust issues he has caused and how much he will now need to prove to you that in the long term he will have no plans to see or speak to this women. If people want to cheat they will always find a way so leaving his job doesn't guarantee something will happen anyway and make this clear to him!

This is not ok!

I couldn’t come back from this. I could never be with someone whilst knowing I’m second best.

They are both imagining what it would be like to be in a relationship with each other. They both have feelings for each other.

So what, he’s only with you out of duty?!

As I said, I could never feel happy in a relationship again if I knew my partner was having thoughts about being with someone else.

You deserve better than that.