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Original poster

Work wife. Is this cheating?

228 replies

parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:03

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:11

I would feel extremely pissed off and hurt. I'd be questioning if I wanted to continue my marriage. How disrespectful to you. Why did he tell you?

Original poster
parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:14

He said that he felt guilty for telling her this and that he was drunk at the time

OP posts:
HVPRN · 13/08/2023 21:16

What? What a peculiar thing to say. Seriously. I'm so sorry that he has said this to you. How disrespectful. Does he actually want you to say 'off you go then' or something? It's like admitting he feels trapped or something.

If my husband said that, I would be questioning his love for me. I wouldn't be happy with him having a 'work wife' though. Weird imo.

abqkep · 13/08/2023 21:16

Ewwww

Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:23

Guilty? About how he's treating you or guilt towards telling her? Are there any other problems/things you've noticed. How hurtful he's being - what is it with these men!! Do you have children?

Original poster
parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:26

Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:23

Guilty? About how he's treating you or guilt towards telling her? Are there any other problems/things you've noticed. How hurtful he's being - what is it with these men!! Do you have children?

He said guilty for saying anything, that he didn't want to hurt me. He's been working lots recently, he does shifts so long hours with her. He also bought her a few little things through the months to cheer her up like chocolate bars, always told me and I never minded until he confessed over this now im not so sure it was a nice gesture or something more.

OP posts:
Original poster
parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:27

No children together and both mid thirties

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 13/08/2023 21:29

I think he was being manipulative. He used the term 'work wife' to see if you reacted. Then, when you didn't, he pushed it a bit further and said he'd be with her if he weren't with you. He's being a dick - trying to gauge your reaction to a potential affair/existing emotional affair, by using colloquialisms like 'work wife'.

IMO the terms 'work wife' or 'work husband' are jokey, possibly slightly non-PC ways to refer to someone you work closely with, who has your back at work. He's using it as a cover for normalising his very non-work-related feelings for a co-worker.

Olika · 13/08/2023 21:29

I would feel very uncomfortable about it. I would have a chat with him and tell him it needs to stop. He cannot be married but have 'work wife' who he hasn't done anything with (yet) because he has married. It's so disrespectful towards you and your marriage.

C1N1C · 13/08/2023 21:32

My wife frequently referred to her work husband... somehow, I was meant to be ok with that, even though it felt disrespectful.

In this instance, personally, i think what he said was a bit too far. I think it's akin to that phrase (sadly) I've heard a lot of women say that's, "I have lots of people interested in me"... which basically translates to 'I have backups, so spoil me and don't make a single mistake'.

Truth be told though, it actually sounds like he's unhappy with 'something' in the relationship, so it might be worth doing a bit of digging into what he feels he's missing out on. Just have a proper 121 and ask him whether he's happy and what he feels would make the relationship better (obviously goes both ways!).

RuthEvershedforPM · 13/08/2023 21:34

Agree with Sarah - I think he is pushing boundaries and manipulating you. Feeling guilty perhaps sure but also still using you as a sounding board for his EA and sequoia mentionitis. Send him packing and find someone who worships you

RuthEvershedforPM · 13/08/2023 21:36

serious not sequoia - bedtime for me

Amsooverthis · 13/08/2023 21:39

Wow, I would definitely be pissed off. He's basically telling you he has strong feelings for someone else, that's a horrible thing to hear especially as you are now supposed to be okay about them continuing to work together.

Hiddenvoice · 13/08/2023 21:41

I think that’s a really hurtful comment of him to make. I’ve always hated if someone says that because it feels like they aren’t committed to their relationship and it feels like the grass is greener situation.

Id be upset with him too op and would now feel uncomfortable with this work wife situation. I feel it’s really disrespectful to you. Does he buy you little pick me ups when you’re feeling down?

Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:43

What did she say when he told her this? Does she have a partner? Do you think there's more to it than what he's saying. I guess you need to think how you feel and what you want to do. Give yourself time to process your feelings, and then sit down and talk to your husband. It's great that he's offloaded his guilt, and now it's your problem!

Har246 · 13/08/2023 21:45

I hate the term work wife/ husband. I think it’s disrespectful.

I have a male colleague who I am close with, we joke and use the term work sibling.

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 21:46

Calling someone a work wife/husband is just a US expression and just means a business partner.

However what he said to her is obviously at least the wish of an emotional affair - so he doesn’t know what the expression means. You do have a problem, I am sorry to say.

Ellie1015 · 13/08/2023 21:47

That is a crush on a collegue not a work wife.

Hopefully he told you as he knows he needs to distance himself and telling you will keep him accoutable. This is very best case scenario. Possibly he is worried she will go to HR and you will find out that way.

If there is any hint that he thinks this is excusable or is not going to sort it out then be clear with him on your boundaries. For me i would expect big changes or split.

Original poster
parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:48

Tiredmum100 · 13/08/2023 21:43

What did she say when he told her this? Does she have a partner? Do you think there's more to it than what he's saying. I guess you need to think how you feel and what you want to do. Give yourself time to process your feelings, and then sit down and talk to your husband. It's great that he's offloaded his guilt, and now it's your problem!

Apparantly she told him the same back, if he wasn't married she would happily be with him. I get little pick me ups from him but after this it makes me think they're getting into emotional affairs territory and his little gifts to her have meant more to her than they should have. I'm worried him using that term work wife was a way of territory marking at work, after he confessed to me I had a little look through some other posts about work wives and territory marking seemed to be a possible thing. He works in a mostly male with a few females role. Thanks for everyone's responses, now I feel justified in being really upset

OP posts:
ActDottie · 13/08/2023 21:49

The whole work wife thing is just weird anyway.

Rewis · 13/08/2023 21:50

I don't really get the whole 'work wife's thing in general. But he has crossed the line. What did she say? Has he presented you with a plan onhow he's gonna try and fix this, like how he will take a step back with her to create a more professional relationship, looking for a new job, counseling, etc.? What does he want to happen? Leave and start a relationship or stay with you?

Unless he regularly brings chocolatebars to his beat colleagues it is also crossing the line.

StopStartStop · 13/08/2023 21:51

I feel justified in being really upset
So would I. He's admitting to an affair and trying to make it totally deniable. So, if someone comes to you now saying 'Your dh is very close with X', you're supposed to say 'I know! She's his work wife!' [Tinkly laugh].

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 13/08/2023 21:52

I have 2 work dh's.. Would never joke or think I would /could /should be with either..

Dotcheck · 13/08/2023 21:52

He’s not ‘getting into emotional affair’ territory, he’s already planted his flag, set up shop and got comfortable

ouse · 13/08/2023 21:55

Har246 · 13/08/2023 21:45

I hate the term work wife/ husband. I think it’s disrespectful.

I have a male colleague who I am close with, we joke and use the term work sibling.

Agreed. OP - your husband is being hugely disrespectful and quite possibly is having an emotional affair with this woman. I have a couple of close male friends at work - one is a gay man, the other is married with two kids - and that is all they are: work friends. It’s possible to have work friends of the opposite sex but if you’re going around telling your beloved that if you weren’t together you’d be with them, that’s not a friend - that’s an affair.

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