Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work wife. Is this cheating?

228 replies

parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:03

My husband told me he had a work wife a few months back. All happy and open about it so I didn't mind at all. The other day he confessed that although nothing happened between them he told her that if we weren't married then he would be with her. Is this cheating? Not sure how I feel right now.

OP posts:
ThePitsofDespair · 13/08/2023 23:34

Being drunk reveals people true nature.

Some get flirty, some get aggressive, some fall asleep, it can trigger MH issues depression or mania and with others it is like a truth serum.

It’s an emotional affair. If you want to get back from this he would need to change jobs and cut all contact. But it would need to be his own decision. Ask him what he thinks he needs to do to make it ok. Is this isn’t his response seriously consider your future with him.

ErinAndTonic · 13/08/2023 23:36

Giant blinking red flag.

He's TOLD her this. Probably to test the waters for her response. If she is receptive.. he won't be just telling her next time...

JudgeRudy · 13/08/2023 23:38

parker06 · 13/08/2023 21:14

He said that he felt guilty for telling her this and that he was drunk at the time

But somehow felt it was OK to tell you. I'd be hurt, angry and concerned.

Joeylove88 · 13/08/2023 23:47

Can you elaborate OP dies feel guilty for telling her that or feel guilty for saying something he didn't actually mean? It doesn't come across as clear if he's saying he didn't mean it or not? Being drunk is no excuse. If anything people are more inclined to tell the truth when drunk because you lose your inhibitions! Your H is a dick and I wouldn't be able to trust him unless he cut the weird relationship with her off immediately/got a new job. Don't stand for anything less than his full respect for you. If he doesn't sort things out then I would be walking away no questions asked.

louderthan · 14/08/2023 01:22

I've got a work husband but we're both single and he's gay. I would be hurt, angry and suspicious in your position OP.

Mmhmmn · 14/08/2023 01:25

SarahAndQuack · 13/08/2023 21:29

I think he was being manipulative. He used the term 'work wife' to see if you reacted. Then, when you didn't, he pushed it a bit further and said he'd be with her if he weren't with you. He's being a dick - trying to gauge your reaction to a potential affair/existing emotional affair, by using colloquialisms like 'work wife'.

IMO the terms 'work wife' or 'work husband' are jokey, possibly slightly non-PC ways to refer to someone you work closely with, who has your back at work. He's using it as a cover for normalising his very non-work-related feelings for a co-worker.

Totally agree with this.

Mmhmmn · 14/08/2023 01:30

parker06 · 13/08/2023 22:00

He did keep saying that he was really drunk and wouldn't have said anything to her otherwise. I'm not defending him but could that be true? Just a drunken confession of a crush rather than wanting to be with someone else even though we were happily married so I thought

All drink does is lower your inhibitions. It doesn't make you make untrue things up out of the blue.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 14/08/2023 01:52

Why is he telling you all this? Either he wants to hurt you, or he's feeling guilty and has decided that confession will make him feel better - and doesn't care that this will hurt you. Neither option is good for you. What are you waiting for, don't you think you deserve better?

LifeExperience · 14/08/2023 02:18

This is an emotional affair.

kidsonthemoon · 14/08/2023 02:38

I have heard that work wives are actually a thing in some places, and it's not at all uncommon.
In Australia in the mines where a fairly high percentage of people do FIFO, because they do regular swings with the same people they get into relationships with other people so it's almost like they have 2 relationships, one at home , one at work. It's a thing. I think it's shit. He sounds like he's having an EA, and I'd not be in the least bit happy about it

lemmein · 14/08/2023 02:40

The mentionitis, the gifts, the over-familiarity....he's probably already sleeping with her OP 😕

JaneorEleven · 14/08/2023 02:55

He needs a new job.

FrogandToadAreFriends · 14/08/2023 02:59

I think it's horrible and I'm from the US. If my husband told me had a work wife we would be in counseling. So sorry OP, you must be feeling so hurt.

Turtlegurl888 · 14/08/2023 03:23

Totally bizarre, disrespectful, unnecessary, and irrelevant, as he is in a relationship with you, so why did he feel the need to say anything?

This would creep me out and set me on high alert to see if he's spending excess time on his phone, hiding anything, etc. Sounds like he tried to reassure you by being open about it but it'd have the opposite effect on me.

I have a male friend at work I am quite close with and we have banter but I would never refer to him as my work husband to my partner, buy him anything specifically that I hadn't bought for the office and definitely would never ever even consider a relationship with him if circumstances were different. Why would that even cross my mind when we are both in long term loving relationships, unless to test the water? I didn't think "work wives/husbands" required an attraction connection.

MsDogLady · 14/08/2023 04:25

@parker06, do not diminish yourself by participating in your H’s ego validation triangle. He’s been very manipulative by attempting to create a competition between you and OW. Don’t play his game by doing the pick-me dance.

This is absolutely an emotional affair that has escalated with their latest declarations and humiliation of you. I too wonder if some physical involvement has occurred.

Your H and OW share time, feelings, physical attraction, reliance, thoughtful gestures….and now they’ve acknowledged a mutual desire to be together if you weren’t in the picture. His ‘work wife’ label for her has been a cover as he invested in their deepening connection.

The toothpaste can’t go back in the tube. The frisson between them will certainly ramp up now, and you’ll be crippled by anxiety as long as they work together.

Refuse to tolerate this farce, @parker06. Show H the door while you consider your options. Require him to completely cut contact with OW and change jobs before you even consider staying with him. Until he takes responsibility for his infidelity and works on his weaknesses that enabled his faithless choices, he’ll be a very bad bet. You won’t be able to regain your trust or peace of mind.

Buildingthefuture · 14/08/2023 04:57

Agree with @MsDogLady Hideous behaviour from both of them. Only thing I disagree on is that they are humiliating you op. This is nothing to do with you, this is cheap, tacky and disrespectful behaviour from them, but the only people they are humiliating is themselves. The sad cliche of a work affair? How fucking predictable. Colleagues will have noticed, they will be being gossiped about, all for a bit of ego boosting rubbish. Idiots. Personally, I would tell him to sling his hook and toddle off to his work wife, if he wants to be with her, so be it. You are no one’s second choice.

Original poster
parker06 · 14/08/2023 05:53

Thank you everyone. I spent all night awake worried and asking him questions. He's gone to work now and I'm even sadder than. He admitted that after they told each other this she walked home with him and they held hands. He said she was just getting him home as he was so drunk. He said no kissing or sleeping together

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 14/08/2023 06:13

Sorry to hear the update op, he’s drip feeding you information. Can I ask why he told you it in the first place? Was he feeling guilty?

You need to explain to him how much this has hurt you.

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 14/08/2023 06:15

parker06 · 14/08/2023 05:53

Thank you everyone. I spent all night awake worried and asking him questions. He's gone to work now and I'm even sadder than. He admitted that after they told each other this she walked home with him and they held hands. He said she was just getting him home as he was so drunk. He said no kissing or sleeping together

Sending hugs OP.
Of course when pressed just a little more information came out. It’s how it goes with affairs and it’s so shit you’re going through this.
How did you leave things? Is he going to get a new job? What do you actually want to do next?
There’s no harm in looking at getting your ducks in a row as MN would say. Whether it’s now or a little down the line, if he doesn’t cut this woman out you’ll need to be prepared.

justprance · 14/08/2023 06:23

parker06 · 14/08/2023 05:53

Thank you everyone. I spent all night awake worried and asking him questions. He's gone to work now and I'm even sadder than. He admitted that after they told each other this she walked home with him and they held hands. He said she was just getting him home as he was so drunk. He said no kissing or sleeping together

I'm sorry OP.

This is the beginning of an affair, lines have been crossed and the groundwork has been laid. If it continues, will definitely become more physical.

He has given you a little more information and that will continue, drip feeding to give you what he perceives as the minimum. There is always more to the story, sadly.

I would be putting down boundaries and he needs to choose, either he cuts contact with her or he walks away from his marriage. His reaction to the ultimatum will tell you exactly what you need to know

Do you know her?

MsDogLady · 14/08/2023 06:24

Oh, @parker06. He has not chosen to protect his fidelity and the escalation is happening. My heart goes out to you.

With this declaration they have shifted into couple mode. Holding hands is such an intimate touch. Alcohol is no excuse for this huge breach of boundaries and abuse of your trust.

It would be game over for me.

eurochick · 14/08/2023 06:42

This is not a "work wife". This is the start of an affair. One colleague of mine used to refer to another as his work wife because she was a bit of a mother hen type and organised him at work the way his wife did at home. They were in their 50/60s and both happily married to other people. There was never the slightest hint of attraction between them.

BingoBastards · 14/08/2023 06:48

Oh - I was about to say it was OK until I got to the bit where he told her he would be with her if things were different.

That is awkward for her as well, isn't it? Hopefully she just thought he was being a drunken prat and was trying to steer him home.

Baconking · 14/08/2023 06:49

parker06 · 13/08/2023 22:00

He did keep saying that he was really drunk and wouldn't have said anything to her otherwise. I'm not defending him but could that be true? Just a drunken confession of a crush rather than wanting to be with someone else even though we were happily married so I thought

He seems more bothered about telling her than about the feelings themselves.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Confessing feelings and holding hands, I would be very surprised if they didn't kiss.

Baconking · 14/08/2023 06:51

BingoBastards · 14/08/2023 06:48

Oh - I was about to say it was OK until I got to the bit where he told her he would be with her if things were different.

That is awkward for her as well, isn't it? Hopefully she just thought he was being a drunken prat and was trying to steer him home.

Even though she also said she would be with him if he wasn't married?

Swipe left for the next trending thread