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Original poster

Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

175 replies

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:15

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
becauseicanthatswhy · 12/08/2023 20:17

Does your fiancé work? Will she be entitled to universal credit?

MissJoGrant · 12/08/2023 20:19

Could you provide some specifics? People will be able to help more if they have a rough idea about...

Your salary/hours
Partner's salary/hours
Who owns your house or do you rent?
Are there relatives who can help with wrap around care etc?
What age are your DC?
Would you split childcare duties 50/50 (if so, no child support money would change hands).

Hope this doesn't come across as nosy.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 12/08/2023 20:21

Can the children live with you?

Then she just has herself to worry about?

Original poster
dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:22

She does work, she earns £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw so that possibly rules her out for UC and she isn't willing to cut her hours in the event of a break up.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 12/08/2023 20:24

She might still have UC entitlement. How many kids? How old are they? Is there childcare costs?

SaraJaneb · 12/08/2023 20:24

Maybe have a conversation and both work out the math. This might have more to do with her not wanting to let go than the issue of finance, especially if you are still going to continue to do your bit and provide.

becauseicanthatswhy · 12/08/2023 20:25

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:22

She does work, she earns £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw so that possibly rules her out for UC and she isn't willing to cut her hours in the event of a break up.

Depending on where she lives, She will be fine! Who owns the house? How old are the children? Split childcare? Or you have the children living with you.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 12/08/2023 20:25

I think you're being really considerate. Ultimately I wouldn't want anyone being with me if they weren't happy regardless of money

Gymmum82 · 12/08/2023 20:26

To be frank she will have to make it work. Either you keep the kids and she only has to look after herself. Or else she works more or less depending on what gives her more money.
You’re not obliged to stay with someone because of money. As long as you’re seeing your children and paying for them the rest is not up to you to sort

Original poster
dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:28

MissJoGrant · 12/08/2023 20:19

Could you provide some specifics? People will be able to help more if they have a rough idea about...

Your salary/hours
Partner's salary/hours
Who owns your house or do you rent?
Are there relatives who can help with wrap around care etc?
What age are your DC?
Would you split childcare duties 50/50 (if so, no child support money would change hands).

Hope this doesn't come across as nosy.

No problem

I work 48 hours a week, 32k a year before overtime. She's on £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw.

We rent from housing association

My parents help but also work themselves so not available all the times we'd need.

Children are 3 and 5.

Child care would be as close to 50/50 as possible probably more 60/40 due to me working a 4 day week, two days and two nights. I would be paying her maintenance regardless of how much I have the kids and would provide for them while I have them.

OP posts:
Original poster
dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:29

becauseicanthatswhy · 12/08/2023 20:17

Does your fiancé work? Will she be entitled to universal credit?

She does work, she earns £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw so that possibly rules her out for UC and she isn't willing to cut her hours in the event of a break up.

OP posts:
WunWun · 12/08/2023 20:32

You just need to end it really. There is no point pusdy footing around. She'll have to adapt. She won't try unless you do it

Ponderingwindow · 12/08/2023 20:33

Doing your fair share of childcare means covering working days, pickups and drop offs, doctors appts, and sick days. It doesn’t just mean having the children when it is convenient around you ability to earn. Your fiancé needs to have the same level of flexibility to earn as you. It not, then you aren’t doing your fair share.

PinkNailpolish · 12/08/2023 20:34

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:28

No problem

I work 48 hours a week, 32k a year before overtime. She's on £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw.

We rent from housing association

My parents help but also work themselves so not available all the times we'd need.

Children are 3 and 5.

Child care would be as close to 50/50 as possible probably more 60/40 due to me working a 4 day week, two days and two nights. I would be paying her maintenance regardless of how much I have the kids and would provide for them while I have them.

Show quote history

That works out as £33,800 before tax so I'm not sure why she'd struggle. You work more hours than her and earn less.

Gymmum82 · 12/08/2023 20:34

Who gets the HA house? If she stays she can 100% afford for you to leave

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 20:39

She can absolutely afford for you to leave, and she earns slightly more than you so why should you pay her maintenance if you're going to have the children slightly more?

BorneoBound · 12/08/2023 20:39

Also struggling to see how she can't afford it but you can, when you say childcare will be split 50/50 and you earn less and will pay her maintenance.

Maybe sit down together and work out how a budget would work for her circumstances. I couldn't stay with someone who was only with me for financial comfort

HeddaGarbled · 12/08/2023 20:43

It’s a sad fact that women who have children often end up with the financial shitty stick because it is so difficult to advance your career and fulfil your potential whilst having to take time off when the children are ill, always leaving work on time for nursery pick-up, choosing a job that fits with available childcare etc.

You need to think about how to equalise finances for the mother of your children if you want to do this honourably.

Where will she and the children live and how will she pay for it? How will she work and how will she pay for childcare?

Perhaps you need to be very very generous with the maintenance, at least for a few years until she can enhance her earnings when the children are more independent.

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 12/08/2023 20:47

If she has the house and you are sharing child care. why on earth are you going to give her maintainance when she is able to work?
Stop being so reasonable and find out how much you need to pay for the dc through cms and take it from there.
What happens when she meets someone else, or you do, are you going to maintain her then?
She might be running you for a cash atm unless you sort it now.

Chchcheckingitout · 12/08/2023 20:49

Without sounding callous, I would be careful promising to pay CMS on a 50/50 split…you don’t want to go without yourself.

Dery · 12/08/2023 20:52

It’s striking that your unhappiness in the relationship seems to have followed very quickly on having children. I could be way off beam but perhaps you weren’t prepared for the reality of just how intense those early years are - it seems to take a lot of people by surprise how much their lives have to change for a while.

Having children puts pressure on even the strongest of relationships and when your children are very young can be a time when parents have very little left for each other but with a bit of work on both sides the parents can start to rekindle their relationship once they have a bit more time.

You shouldn’t stay together at all costs but you were sufficiently committed to each other to start a family and you shouldn’t be too quick to walk away from that. Are you sure the relationship cannot be saved?

If really can’t, then any financial difficulties will just have to be overcome.

BounceyB · 12/08/2023 20:55

I wandered if she is trying to manipulate you into staying. Her feelings might feel legitimate to her but it's not fair on you and the kids. Be honest and just do it. It will hurt her and she will make it difficult but try and imagine the rest of your life. Is this what you really want?

Booboobagins · 12/08/2023 20:55

You sound very considerate @dadoftwo1992 Do you love your DP? Dors she live you? If you and she love each other, then try counselling.

If you don't then splitting up amicably is def best, pls do this before you destroy your congeniality and harm the DCs mrntal well being. Of course the DCs will find you splitting up very hard but if things go as you descrive they will know the break up is nothing to do with them nkt being lived or wanted.

Your DP needs to sort finances out and do a check on benefits. You need to assess how much you can contribute. She can then suss out whats affordable.

Good luck to you all x

MissJoGrant · 12/08/2023 21:04

HeddaGarbled · 12/08/2023 20:43

It’s a sad fact that women who have children often end up with the financial shitty stick because it is so difficult to advance your career and fulfil your potential whilst having to take time off when the children are ill, always leaving work on time for nursery pick-up, choosing a job that fits with available childcare etc.

You need to think about how to equalise finances for the mother of your children if you want to do this honourably.

Where will she and the children live and how will she pay for it? How will she work and how will she pay for childcare?

Perhaps you need to be very very generous with the maintenance, at least for a few years until she can enhance her earnings when the children are more independent.

There's no reason the mother would need to do all the things you listed, alone. Both parents can split those duties.

Their finances are about equal, by the way.

Piggyplate · 12/08/2023 21:04

Go on entitled to website it'll tell yous what she is able to claim so yous can plan a budget ect