Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

[dadoftwo1992]

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

I didn’t say this my quote didn’t appear in bold 🙈 @Middlelanehogger said this in one of there many reply’s I was just quoting what she said and highliting how wrong it is

OP, I'll say it, I think you're less of a man for abandoning your family like you're planning to do. UC be damned. You're failing in your fundamental role in the family and society.

Except he's not 'abandoning' them at all.

He wants to end his romantic relationship with his partner and co-parent their children. Calling that abandonment is hyperbolic nonsense.

Many of us grew up in households where unhappy parents 'stayed together for the kids'.

And for many of us it was fucking miserable and taught us very bad lessons about relationship dynamics including staying out of guilt / fear or judgement even in toxic relationships. Which leads to generational cycles of unhealthy relationships. What a fabulous legacy to leave 🙄

she gets more than a lot of people . you just have to sit her down and tell
her this is happening.
you will both be happier in the end.
you earn about the same. don't be a push over. she can pay rent and still manage. she has no option. it will be hard for you all but will
work itself out. sit down give her a date to move. find yourself a place, get rent and deposit money sorted. basic furniture for u and kids, and then take it from there. tell family member so they can be there a bit more in the first few weeks.
don't let yourself get emotionally guilted by it.

"Someone like OP"? You mean yet another rotten specimen walking away from a woman and two small children?
Baby making =lots of fun
Baby raising = too much like hard work

And my arse it would be anything like 50/50. Shouldn't have tried so hard on the opening post, would have been more believable...
There's SO much in the mental load and daily grind in bringing up children and splitting time between two homes only increases that load.
When will OP have the time to find his happiness (or whatever her name is)?

But yeah OP, up and leave. The sooner the better now, whilst the children are small and able to get used to their new normal. Your ex will cope - no other way about it.
Just get the snip before you do your "happiness" thingy.

Of course no one is obligated to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in, but if you read the OP there’s many a hint that he doesn’t actually understand what would be a fair - I mean an actually fair - split of responsibility for the children. If he did he wouldn’t be thinking she should cut down her hours.

Im sorry for those of you that have faced parenting alone and managed it with no support - but that doesn’t make it right and it shouldn’t be what we aspire to!! Some of the replies on this thread are seemingly saying ‘I did it and managed so she should aswell’ - it’s not a race to the bottom…

I don't think it's good for children to grow up in a house with parents screaming at each other, where did I say that?

OP could choose to focus on what he originally loved about his fiancée when he first decided to have kids with her, when he asked her to marry him and spend their lives together. He could choose to work through issues in their relationship, with guidance from counsellors/religious leaders/family if helpful, and come through the other side with the kind of happiness that isn't flashy but comes from the deep security of having been through hard times together.

Or he could chuck it in while his kids are toddlers and move on to the next easy thing.

Me saying this won't change a thing but I hope someone in OP's life whose opinion he respects tells him something similar.

Does she mean struggle with childcare ?

If you're in social housing rent is cheaper than mortgage or private renting.

Selfish.

Had the kids. Is bored and wants to move on, and the oldest child is only 5.

OP’s partner is already working FT hours if she’s working normal 35/36 - 40 hours pw. That’s tough with young DC, and tougher if the other parent is not already pulling their weight with childcare and household responsibilities.

OP - How much are your current childcare costs?

Do you do 50/50 of childcare, nursery and school runs, DC’s bath and bedtimes, reading books with DC, homework, library and swimming pool visits, household shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, household maintenance, gardening, ferrying DC to activities/parties, etc, now?

And 50/50 re: all of the other things I haven’t mentioned that are involved once you decide to bring children into the World?

OP - answer the questions about why you think your partner should work less hours? Who will that benefit?
Will you benefit from her decreasing her hours in regard to her paid employment?
Why don’t you work less hours, thereby taking a hit on your earning power, so you can be more present for your children?

If you aren't happy you need to split. It's difficult for the kids but it's not good either living with parents who aren't happy/modelling bad relationships.

If you want to create equity across the two houses then you do 50/50 child care, week on/week off.

You split childcare bills.
You doing less than this isn't fair.
You will need to work out how to accommodate this with work.

You need to do some math's between you.

@Middlelanehogger - I think you’ve expressed it really well with this:

“I don't think it's good for children to grow up in a house with parents screaming at each other, where did I say that?

OP could choose to focus on what he originally loved about his fiancée when he first decided to have kids with her, when he asked her to marry him and spend their lives together. He could choose to work through issues in their relationship, with guidance from counsellors/religious leaders/family if helpful, and come through the other side with the kind of happiness that isn't flashy but comes from the deep security of having been through hard times together.

Or he could chuck it in while his kids are toddlers and move on to the next easy thing.

Me saying this won't change a thing but I hope someone in OP's life whose opinion he respects tells him something similar.”

I think what you and I and a small group of us on this thread are focusing on is what you’ve said above. Not that OP and fiancée should stay together at all costs if the relationship is horrible. We all agree that would be bad. But OP hasn’t said that it’s awful - just that he’s unhappy and his unhappiness seems to have come along when he and his partner are in the most intense days of parenting and at a time when a lot of couple relationships are under pressure.

He loved his partner enough to propose and have children with her so what’s changed and is it really irretrievable?

It’s probably too late - he’s been telling his fiancée for 2 years that he wants to go - but I do think it’s worth considering.

However, it looks like OP won’t be back - he’s received a lot of support on this thread so probably won’t be doing any reflecting on whether and how he might have handled this differently.

Why should your fiancé reduce her hours? You earn around the same and you should just about manage. Things should be split 50/50 childcare and money wise. Could you not try and work it out rather than run away when you have 2 young children?

I’m going to hazard a guess that it’s the following:
You are unhappy because your fiancé doesn’t appreciate you anymore, doesn’t give you as much attention anymore, isn’t as fun anymore, is tired all the time, doesn’t feel like having sex all the time anymore……… whilst in the last few years she has been pregnant twice and had two babies, is actually exhausted from that, continues to work a full time job, does most of the housework, cooking, laundry, nursery drop off and pick ups, all the mental load for the family - and do you know what? She also feels unappreciated, she wishes she had more time for fun and sex but she is just so bloody exhausted. Those first 0-4 years of parenting are hard (even more so if you also work full-time) and everyone’s relationships will suffer and you have much less time to commit to your other half. Most of us work hard, keep our commitments and come out the other side with such a stronger and happier couple.
I mean I could be wrong, and your fiancé is horrible and the relationship is doomed. But 99% chance it’s the scenario above that I’ve described. If you do ditch her then please just don’t get the next girl pregnant.

@Dery I think what you and I and a small group of us on this thread are focusing on is what you’ve said above. Not that OP and fiancée should stay together at all costs if the relationship is horrible.

Yes, exactly

Yeah and because he's such a good guy he has waited until DC1 is in full time school, because surely her life will be dead easy now 🙄

I doubt that your title of: Fiancee can't afford for us to break up, is entirely accurate.

Your title really should say: Fiancée can’t afford to cut back her work hours to accommodate me doing less parenting in the event of our separation.

Based on your pp where you have said she is unwilling to cut back her hours of work. And based on you saying it would be about 60/40 split in having the children. Children with her 60% of the time and with you only 40%.

By all means end the relationship. But don’t expect her to take a massive pay cut by cutting down her hours and don’t expect her to do the majority of the parenting to make your life easier.

So, you cut down your hours and have a pay cut because it is you who wants to leave.

If you can’t separate from her without her making these sacrifices for you, then it’s you who can’t afford to leave without putting her in a bad position.

@ImustLearn2Cook the OP meant he'd be doing 60% in the 60/40 as he works shifts - 2 days and 2 nights. He did say that.

The OP said that's what he wants - doesn't mean that's what he will get.

Are you willing to cut your hours OP to equally be there for schol rubs, hobbies, school events, medical appointments, child sickness? Because that’s TRUE come-parenting. Can she afford for you to leave? Yes. Will she have to cut her hours though? Or will you be contributing in the true sense of the word? Or will your lifestyle carry on as normal whilst gets deteriorated because she’s doing the lion’s share of all the things that get in the way of her working her current hours?

I suspect in the childcare bit he has said he will do the 3 days he doesn’t work (60%) and therefore keep all his money as he can work around it. She has to find childcare the other two days and either pay or cut down her hous

The good news is that you gave a HA home - she and the kids will have security and reasonable rent. And if necessary she would be eligible for universal credit. A mortgage makes things much more difficult.
I would commit to paying half of childcare costs because this is the thing she will need most in order to keep working. And commit to doing your share of holiday cover and looking after the kids when they are ill etc. It cannot always be her whose work is put second place to deal with children's needs.

Do you have somewhere you can move to? I think doing this sooner rather than later is better if you are certain you want to end things. Dragging it out helps no one.
Remember you will have to house yourself at some point and that is expensive (you won't get a HA home) and will need a home where your dc can stay. Pay what is fair but not more than your share to the extent you cannot afford a home for yourself and the children.

The Op said he works 48 hrs, his fiancé works 30 to 40hrs (that is 18 to 8 hours less than him). And he also said she is unwilling to cut back her work hours.

That does not logically add up to him taking on more childcare hours than her. He did say more like 60/40 but he didn’t actually say explicitly that he was taking on 60% of the childcare. If he was taking on 60% of the childcare then why on earth would he expect her to cut her work hours? It doesn’t add up.

Why do MNetters automatically assume men who work full time back out of parenting duties and leave everything to mum? My dad has always worked full time and ferried us around to pretty much all clubs, parties, friends' houses etc when we were in primary and secondary school. Mum took us to doctor appointments etc. My parents seemed to be pretty equal with household chores. I'm also surprised that this couple has a HA property when they earn so much money. I'd have to be unemployed with no savings to be entitled to that.

@PinkNailpolish it is not an assumption based on him working full time. It is a presumption based on his statement that his fiancée is unwilling to cut back her hours of work when she already works less hours than him.

Now why would he need her to cut back her hours to enable him to leave her?

Well clearly you're talking nonsense as spousal maintenance would never be relevant for a fiancée @Campervangirl