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Original poster

Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

175 replies

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:15

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Dery · 13/08/2023 10:04

@andthat - I take your point. And as you inferred, I disagree. I’m not one of those people.

I don’t believe parents should stay together at all costs. And given @dadoftwo1992 has spent 2 years telling the mother of his tiny children that he’s unhappy (why?), perhaps she’s better off without him.

But once people decide to bring children into the mix, it isn’t just about their happiness, it’s about their children’s happiness as well. The early years of parenting are generally really tough on a couple and their relationship takes a backseat for a while. It may be that the OP’s relationship is really toxic and unhealthy and it’s better for everyone that they separate. The OP’s fiancée may be abusive. But OP has given no explanation for his wish to leave. He’s not obliged to do so, of course, but he was committed enough to have 2 children with his fiancée but on his timeline got cold feet on the relationship when the children were still tiny (1 and 3). It looks as if what changed him was the realities of parenting rather than anything inherent in the relationship. I would be saying the same if OP were female.

He is making his fiancée vulnerable - would she have chosen to have 2 children by him if she’d known he was going to pull this stunt? I’d have been absolutely devastated if my DH (then partner) had done this to me.

I find it really odd how many people on this thread are unquestioningly supporting him in his wish to leave and saying the mother of his children should just deal with it - even saying he sounds thoughtful and a great dad, when he really doesn’t.

Haretest · 13/08/2023 10:14

But @dery you've just made massive assumptions for most of that. Like 'the realities of parenting' making him leave, when he's said it's likely he'll have the kids more than she will, or at least equal?

SuperSange · 13/08/2023 10:25

@Dery You could argue that the Fiancee has made herself vunerable? Did he force her to have children whilst unmarried? There's not enough details to say who's unreasonable. We don't even know who is on the tenancy-it may be in his or her sole names. We just don't know. So until the OP returns, we've not much to go on really.

I'd agree with PP who have said that anyone can leave for any reason-this applies to both parties.

Winter2020 · 13/08/2023 10:30

BorneoBound · 12/08/2023 20:39

Also struggling to see how she can't afford it but you can, when you say childcare will be split 50/50 and you earn less and will pay her maintenance.

Maybe sit down together and work out how a budget would work for her circumstances. I couldn't stay with someone who was only with me for financial comfort

I think it is because OP plans the contact arrangements to be based around making it easy for him to work - the same days making it more difficult logistically and financially for their mother to work. It sounds like she is getting the three(?) of them ready, organising drop offs, pick ups and child care at least Mon-thurs. We can imagine who will have to pick up the slack when the kids are ill or strike days through the majority of the working week.

OP also hasn't stated where he will live. Is that because it will be with the other woman? Perhaps with a brief stop off at his parents to prove there is no overlap and it "only started after we broke up".

Dery · 13/08/2023 10:36

@Haretest Yes, I’ve made assumptions. It’s true. I am speculating. I stand by what I’ve said but recognise I’m in the minority on this thread.

Middlelanehogger · 13/08/2023 10:39

In this thread: OP's partner trying to work through relationship issues with young children in the picture is "having him on", "manipulating him", "shackling him", "taking the piss", etc.

Not sure if I'm on Mumsnet or MRAnet tbh

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:41

Where does it say she is trying to work through relationship issues? All he says is that she says she can't afford for him to leave.

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:43

She's likely as miserable as he is. But, like a lot of women on MN, she thinks she can't leave because of finances.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 10:48

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:41

Where does it say she is trying to work through relationship issues? All he says is that she says she can't afford for him to leave.

And all he says is that he will ‘help’ with childcare, that single mothers cope so why not her etc…

Not one word of tte consequences for HIS children and tte very real risk they will end up living under the poverty line.

But somehow he is supposed to be great because he’ll do some childcare (when convenient for him) and he’ll pay CM.

Its all about ‘i want to leave but she dares pointing out the real effects of me leaving and I don’t like it’.
Well yes it’s crap. So he could have the dcs 50/50. He could reduce his hours. He could ensure that she can work a full week. He could step up as a father. But there isn’t one word about any of that.

monsteramunch · 13/08/2023 10:51

@HotPringles

So he could have the dcs 50/50. He could reduce his hours. He could ensure that she can work a full week. He could step up as a father. But there isn’t one word about any of that.

Eh? There are plenty of words about that. He specifically says he would do 60% of the childcare and pay her maintenance despite having them more.

Child care would be as close to 50/50 as possible probably more 60/40 due to me working a 4 day week, two days and two nights. I would be paying her maintenance regardless of how much I have the kids and would provide for them while I have them.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 10:52

But, like a lot of women on MN, she thinks she can't leave because of finances.

Or unlike many women on MN who are MC with the possibility of getting a job that will actually cover living cost, she us very aware that she’ll end up with very little money and the impact this will have on the dcs.
Maybe she is worried, with good reasons seeing the stats, she’ll end up with so little cash that her dcs won’t have food fir breakfast etc…
Knowing this stats are from BEFORE tte CoL crisis.

Of course, if you are happy to take the risk to see your dcs get hungry or cold, fine go ahead….

Thatboymum · 13/08/2023 10:52

She’s manipulating you to stay with her by using finances that is not ok you need to put your own happiness first in this scenario she will get on with it and find her feet you cannot be miserable and just stay with somebody because they don’t want the hassle of being a single parent. Tell her you are leaving by X date she can have the house and you will aim for 50/50 therefor alleviating the financial burden for 1

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:54

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 10:48

And all he says is that he will ‘help’ with childcare, that single mothers cope so why not her etc…

Not one word of tte consequences for HIS children and tte very real risk they will end up living under the poverty line.

But somehow he is supposed to be great because he’ll do some childcare (when convenient for him) and he’ll pay CM.

Its all about ‘i want to leave but she dares pointing out the real effects of me leaving and I don’t like it’.
Well yes it’s crap. So he could have the dcs 50/50. He could reduce his hours. He could ensure that she can work a full week. He could step up as a father. But there isn’t one word about any of that.

Show quote history

We get it. You think it's better for children to be raised in unhappy homes just so dad can do more childcare and mum doesn't have to learn to budget.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 10:55

@monsteramunch , yay around HIS work schedule, which will change every week. I’m sure it will be easy for her to find a job that will around that!

See the fa pct he expects her to drop her hours at work! He KNOWS it’s not manageable to do that.

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:56

How do you think they cover childcare now when they're working?

Middlelanehogger · 13/08/2023 10:58

I don't know OP or his partner and I don't know the specifics of their relationship.

But I think MN in general is far too blasé about the effects of children growing up in split-up homes. There will be fewer resources available to them because maintaining two households instead of one is inherently more expensive regardless of whatever mechanics we argue about here in this thread about UC payments and wages per hour.

There is absolutely no social pressure to stay together for the sake of the kids, absolutely none. Evidence: this thread aside from Dery who's being very diplomatic about it. I'm not saying that should be the overriding factor but these days it is not even one of the factors.

OP, I'll say it, I think you're less of a man for abandoning your family like you're planning to do. UC be damned. You're failing in your fundamental role in the family and society. Marriage takes work. If "the cracks are showing", invest in fixing the foundations. (I'm not as nice a person as @Dery .)

Middlelanehogger · 13/08/2023 10:59

She’s manipulating you to stay with her by using finances that is not ok you need to put your own happiness first in this scenario

Illustrating my point exactly.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 11:00

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 10:54

We get it. You think it's better for children to be raised in unhappy homes just so dad can do more childcare and mum doesn't have to learn to budget.

Show quote history

Nope.

Im highlighting that it’s not just about budgeting otherwise there wouldn’t be such a high number of single mothers and children getting hungry and cold.

Or are you trying to say that single mothers as a rule just don’t know how to budget??

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 11:01

It's much more damaging to witness your parents fighting and hating each other than not being able to afford riding lessons.

Campervangirl · 13/08/2023 11:02

@Doyoumind
I was talking about maintenance (as mentioned by the op) ie spousal support not cms which are two different things.
He doesn't earn enough to maintain her lifestyle, she won't be entitled to it, it's rarely awarded unless he's a really high earner and she actually earns more than him.
You are absolutely right people do spout nonsense on here, just as you did in your post. You completely misread/misunderstood/didn't check the difference between maintenance and cms and off you spouted 🙄
Having been a single parent myself, in the times before free childcare hours, I do know the struggle of being a single parent, both financially and emotionally and I have nothing but empathy for women who struggle.
The difference between myself and the ops fiance is that I got on with it, faced my situation and didn't expect to maintain a dead relationship due to finances.
It sounds like the op is trying to be as fair which is a refreshing change

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 11:03

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 11:00

Nope.

Im highlighting that it’s not just about budgeting otherwise there wouldn’t be such a high number of single mothers and children getting hungry and cold.

Or are you trying to say that single mothers as a rule just don’t know how to budget??

Show quote history

I didn't mention single mothers. I'm talking about the OP's partner/ex who thinks she can't survive on over £30k, UC and CM, in a HA house.

monsteramunch · 13/08/2023 11:03

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 10:55

@monsteramunch , yay around HIS work schedule, which will change every week. I’m sure it will be easy for her to find a job that will around that!

See the fa pct he expects her to drop her hours at work! He KNOWS it’s not manageable to do that.

But her job must 'work around that' at the moment surely? And he hasn't said he is unwilling to change his hours at all I don't think, he's just said that she is unwilling to change hers. Which is absolutely up to her of course.

Thatboymum · 13/08/2023 11:23

Middlelanehogger · 13/08/2023 10:59

She’s manipulating you to stay with her by using finances that is not ok you need to put your own happiness first in this scenario

Illustrating my point exactly.

OP, I'll say it, I think you're less of a man for abandoning your family like you're planning to do. UC be damned. You're failing in your fundamental role in the family and society.

oh look another manipulative person.

hopefully he thinks your less of a person for your weird outdated views

benfoldsfivefan · 13/08/2023 11:25

Thatboymum · 13/08/2023 11:23

OP, I'll say it, I think you're less of a man for abandoning your family like you're planning to do. UC be damned. You're failing in your fundamental role in the family and society.

oh look another manipulative person.

hopefully he thinks your less of a person for your weird outdated views

Show quote history

Why should he stay in an unhappy relationship? He’s not failing anyone.

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2023 11:27

How does childcare work out at the moment?

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