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Original poster

Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

175 replies

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:15

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 13/08/2023 07:02

MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 06:30

I’m extremely sceptical about these posts that pop up from men detailing their upcoming separations and they’re always claiming to be completely upright and reasonable in regards to childcare and finances.

Not even sure why they're posting here when there's 1000s of other places.

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/08/2023 07:13

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:22

She does work, she earns £16.25ph working 30-40 hours pw so that possibly rules her out for UC and she isn't willing to cut her hours in the event of a break up.

Are you expecting her to cut back her hours so that she can do the parenting responsibilities that could interfere with your work schedule?

If so, do you intend to supplement her lost income on top of providing financially towards your children? Probably not. Fair enough. So, maybe it is understandable that she is unwilling to cut back her hours and lose income.

Are you willing to cut back your hours to enable you to care for the children?

If children are sick and can’t go to nursery or school, are you willing to take time off work to look after them?

Plenty of single parents make it work because they have no other choice but to. Does not mean that they are not living in poverty. Many single parents (male or female) are struggling right now, especially with the rising cost of living.

So, it's not as simple as wanting to end the relationship. It has to be planned and executed in such a way that neither of you are living in poverty and sacrificing your jobs.

notahappybunny7 · 13/08/2023 07:15

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 12/08/2023 20:21

Can the children live with you?

Then she just has herself to worry about?

She probably won’t be willing to just hand her children over ffs

ememem84 · 13/08/2023 07:18

notahappybunny7 · 13/08/2023 07:15

She probably won’t be willing to just hand her children over ffs

Show quote history

But they’re not just her children. They’re his too.

and surely if financially it makes it more viable for the split - taking the emotion out of it- it’s best for everyone if the kids stay with him. If he can afford it.

MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 07:27

ememem84 · 13/08/2023 07:18

But they’re not just her children. They’re his too.

and surely if financially it makes it more viable for the split - taking the emotion out of it- it’s best for everyone if the kids stay with him. If he can afford it.

Show quote history

Why would you take the emotion out of it? Confused

ZebraD · 13/08/2023 07:27

Why should she cut her hours if you break up?

MintJulia · 13/08/2023 07:28

OP, on that pay, I can't see any reason why she would struggle unless you are asking her to leave the HA house. I think she is trying to guilt you into staying.

You know her income so write out her budget, covering rent, council tax with 25% discount, food for the three of them, child care, utilities, and an amount for children's clothes and activities. See for yourself whether it works.

Suggest a childcare routine, that incorporates your days.

One of the biggest grumbles from mums whose partners have left, is that the
mums are left to carry the mental load of planning, budgeting etc, so help her with this part.

Maybe she just needs a bit of reassurance that she will cope fine. Then tell her a date you are leaving. Give her a bit of notice so she has time to make any arrangements.

Check what she is legally entitled to claim from you and set up a DD for that amount - not more. Then you have flexibility over what extra you choose to pay for - children's uniform, shoes, winter coats, hobbies etc. You need to eat and pay your rent as well.

cptartapp · 13/08/2023 07:31

Your 'fair' share would be you doing half. So 50/50. That would be fair.
Any less and it's excuses. It sometimes easier to pay others to do your childcare than actually juggle it yourself. You need to adjust your hours accordingly and juggle.

fortheloveofflowers · 13/08/2023 07:34

Your wages are pretty much the same and you are going to have the kids a lot. I’m not sure why she says you can’t afford to split tbh. She has a HA housing and a good wage.

She is guilt tripping you. Remember you will need to fund your own rent which will likely be higher than hers and fund the children while in your care. It’s not all down to you to provide for your children.

saraclara · 13/08/2023 07:36

RantyAnty · 13/08/2023 07:02

Not even sure why they're posting here when there's 1000s of other places.

Show quote history

Well there aren't thousands, and the other places are probably inhabited by toxic men who are sharing methods of avoiding paying what they should.

I'd far rather that someone like OP came here for the perspective of people like his fiancee.

I know that some on mumsnet don't think there's a single decent bloke in the country, but come on now...

saraclara · 13/08/2023 07:37

ZebraD · 13/08/2023 07:27

Why should she cut her hours if you break up?

To qualify for UC.

SuperSange · 13/08/2023 07:42

I think it's pertinent who is on the tenancy agreement. It's not necessarily both parties. Who's the tenant, or is it joint?

Ladybug14 · 13/08/2023 07:42

End the relationship

I'm afraid she is using the idea of money problems to keep you shackled to her

If the childcare split is 60/40 - main caring to your partner, you will pay some child maintenance but not full (this happened to a friend of mine recently which is how I know)

She will be able to afford the bills based on her salary unless your HA home is Buck House!!!

Don't let her manipulate you into being unhappy because of money

It'll all work out

panko · 13/08/2023 07:44

I mean it's nice you care, truly, but you can't stay with someone who has basically admitted they are only with you for the finances

ememem84 · 13/08/2023 07:44

MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 07:27

Why would you take the emotion out of it? Confused

Show quote history

I meant us taking the emotion out of it. Not the op and wife.

They’re his kids too. So if she can’t afford to live with them they’d surely be best off with him if he can? What’s best for the kids?

if they both want out of the relationship then that’s something to think about

panko · 13/08/2023 07:45

And yes 50/50 is what's "fair"

Busubaba · 13/08/2023 07:47

What if you drop dead? She's have to manage.

She's manipulating you to try and stay.

She will manage. She's got a job.

pinkfondu · 13/08/2023 07:48

You dont have to leave to be split up

febbabies2023 · 13/08/2023 07:53

I think the op is saying that if she cuts her hours, she would be entitled to more help from UC or whatever which would probably put her in a more financially stable position.

Why is it when men write these posts it doesn't matter what they say they get slated?

OP could house his wife after the split, take the kids 70% of the time, pay CM and still work 60 hours a week and some of you wouldn't be happy!

OP I think you're fair in saying you want to leave the relationship if you don't want to be with her anymore. And you shouldn't have to stay just because she can't afford it - that's not really your problem! As long as the kids etc are looked after then that's the main thing surely?

You sound like you're trying to go about this the right way. Please ignore some of these comments.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 13/08/2023 07:55

Weedoormatnomore · 13/08/2023 06:08

She earns more than he does. He also stated he could have kids 60 % as works less hours or even split 50/50 he needs money himself when he has the kids.

Show quote history

He says she works between 30-40 hours. He doesn’t say what the average is or if it’s often nearer to 30 I/o 40 so she could be earning quite a bit less than him. He also doesn’t say whether he’s leaving or if he expects her to. We don’t know how much the rent is or their other outgoings, there might be debt. On the face of it, it all sounds so reasonable, almost like it’s deliberately been written that way. With out detail, it’s impossible to judge.

GeneJeanie · 13/08/2023 07:57

So, the childcare would be 60:40 because you want to still work more than her or not change your work patterns? However, she's expected to change hers, even to the point of sacrificing work progression and pension contributions in order to get UC?
I agree with everyone saying this relationship should end if you're not happy in it, but I can also see how she's worried about money when you're basically saying, "I'm alright Jack with my set up, she needs to set up her new life around my existing shift pattern"!

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 07:57

She shouldn't cut her hours as anything she got from UC would be less than she'd lose from wages.
if you're in a HA property surely the rent is more affordable?
why don't you just bite the bullet and move out?

MotherOfCrocodiles · 13/08/2023 07:59

Well running two houses and not collaborating on childcare is going to cost a lot of money

You planned kids on the basis of living together and you are now pulling the rug out

If your relationship has broken down you will have to split but your partner may well be right that she can't really afford it and you are letting her and the kids down

Sorry...

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 07:59

Could you be the primary carer, as you say plenty of single parents manage, you’ll be fine?

CliffsofMohair · 13/08/2023 08:00

Ponderingwindow · 12/08/2023 20:33

Doing your fair share of childcare means covering working days, pickups and drop offs, doctors appts, and sick days. It doesn’t just mean having the children when it is convenient around you ability to earn. Your fiancé needs to have the same level of flexibility to earn as you. It not, then you aren’t doing your fair share.

This in spades. You seem surprised that she doesn’t want to reduce her earning potential , when you’re not married and she is entitled to whatever the derisory figure the CSM calculator throws up. She can’t enforce if if you waltz off into the sunset. You want her to reduce her income to facilitate your anti social hours.