Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

[dadoftwo1992]

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

I’ve already posted once and with very much a minority view but I’m amazed at how easy a ride you’re getting here. So many people just suggesting it’s fine and she should just deal with it.

You’ve had 2 children with your fiancée who are still very young and - based on your timeline - since your younger child was 1, you’ve been telling her you want to leave. Those are tough years for any couple as they are focused on the children and their relationship takes a back seat, but there your fiancée is with a 3 yo and a 1 yo and their father is moaning at her about his unhappiness and wish to leave.

There may be a massive back story but that sounds pretty shitty on your part. Pretty cold. Parents shouldn’t stay together at all costs but once you bring children into the picture, you should at least have a go at making it work. It’s not at all clear you’ve done that.

Yes, it's not clear from the OP's initial or subsequent posts why anyone needs to cut their hours (as opposed to work more hours).

OP, surely you should both look at your hours and work out what childcare you can provide 'around' each other's jobs. You should then work out how much paid childcare you will both need, how much of that you can cover through UC/tax-free childcare and how much will still need to be paid for. And then what a fair split of childcare costs would be in the circumstances.

If childcare is 50/50, why would you pay maintenence?

Neither is it clear where he is planning on going. Given they earn very similar amounts how he can afford it

unless he is planning on moving in with his parents leaving her to pay all the bills

Why does it matter where he's planning on living? No one should be paying the bills for a house they don't live in

Of course she can afford not to live with you on that sort of money living in a HA house

@Dery I agree with you, this is a family breaking up in real time and all the comments are just about how to get UC organised, it's desperately sad. OP, have you talked to anyone else about this?

Because the initial post has him as thinking he has a lot of money abd she won’t even though later posts have them as earning similar amounts and he seems to want her to work less hours to get UC

and because in todays world staying together because you can’t afford to split up is common.

no they should pay bills hot a house they don’t live in but what bills he is going to have is a factor

Sheeeez, if I was young, free and single and didn’t already have DC most of the responses on here are enough to make me want to remain single and childless!

You’d think this was the ‘Finances/Money Board’, not the ‘Relationships Board’ with a 3yo and 5yo involved. I had to double-check which board this thread had been posted on.

Reading the vast majority of these responses makes me really appreciate my DP, and the fact that I never gave up employment due to my pregnancies.

Why would you pay her maintenance if you were to have 50:50 care of the children?

Why would she be the one to cut her hours when she already works less hours than you and earns more per hours?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/sorting-out-money/

She's having you on to get you to stay!!!
She's earning more than a lot of single parents earn and will, by the sounds of it, have a lot more support from you and your parents than a lot of single parents.

If it's not working, it's not working. Make plans and leave and then Co parent your children.

60 is more than 40 🤔

Yes, for virtually everybody using the combined income they’ve spent on one home to fund two is a massive financial change. Even for high earners. Many people cannot afford the home they’ve been living in as a family.

How much is half of the childcare bill? If you’re splitting care 50/50 you will of course need to be able to pay for childcare when it’s your week as well as be able to make it to the pickups/drop offs or arrange someone who can.

If you’re unhappy you’re unhappy, and presumably with such small children you’ve done what you can to salvage it with counselling and so on. But both of you will take a big financial and logistical hit in having to fund and run two separate homes, obviously.

You both need to sit together and do the sums in black and white and get financial advice. Then you can see exactly how much each of you need to live on and because you have children, you should both help each other out. With kids between you, you are bonded at least until kids are 18.

Are you expecting her to leave the HA house or would you be leaving? This makes a difference here.

Someone cannot hold you hostage like that for financial reasons. This is your life, too.

Who is paying for childcare?

So you had at least one of your children while struggling, being unhappy and wanting to leave?
What specifically are you unhappy with? What are the issues? You're obviously not so unhappy in the relationship you don't want intimacy so maybe it's fixable if you both sincerely try your best.

I'm trying to understand why you bring up that she isn't willing to cut her work hours if you break up. Why would she cut her work hours? Any steps back she takes from her work, will impact her future income, raises, career progression, pension, all of which she will need if she won't be sharing your income and career progression. If you break up, I would think she would want to go to fulltime work, to make sure she can support herself. Of course the problem with fulltime work, as a mother, is the risk of ending up having to take an unscheduled day off work if one of the kids is sick, and the risk of this being multiplied 10x or 15x or 20x a year (depending on the health of your kids), resulting in an unhappy employer who sees you as an unreliable employee. Many, many women find themselves edged out of the workforce this way. It's one thing if the mother edged out of the workforce is married and can benefit from her spouse's income. It's altogether another thing if she's single.

She earns more than he does. He also stated he could have kids 60 % as works less hours or even split 50/50 he needs money himself when he has the kids.

How do you currently split the bills? She should be able to afford it. Presume there are less childcare costs now with 1 child at school compared to when you started talking about splitting up when kids where 3 and 1!
Who does the nursery school drop offs now?

Get advice yourself. You don't have to listen to her version of how things are/will be. You can sort this out yourself and she will have no choice but to change the way things are done between you both.

Currently you are listening to someone who is trying to make their life easier at the expense of everyone, including the kids.

I’m extremely sceptical about these posts that pop up from men detailing their upcoming separations and they’re always claiming to be completely upright and reasonable in regards to childcare and finances.

I don’t think this is about finances at all. If everything you say is true then finances and sharing childcare etc. wouldn’t be as difficult an issue as they can be when one partner is earning much less or not working, or is not willing to contribute fairly in the event of a split. I think the issue is she’s not ready to split up. She is either still in love with you, or thinks this is a rough patch you can ride out, or both. She is not ready to accept your relationship is over. It seems she’s using the financial argument to delay the inevitable, which is that you’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship and it’s only a matter of time before you physically check out too.

This true, you don’t get to avoid life just because you can’t afford it.

Dh’s parents probably thought their marriage didn’t affect the kids but he had anxiety from growing up in that house and his sisters a train wreck.