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Original poster

Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

175 replies

dadoftwo1992 · 12/08/2023 20:15

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 13/08/2023 08:00

aloris · 13/08/2023 05:58

I'm trying to understand why you bring up that she isn't willing to cut her work hours if you break up. Why would she cut her work hours? Any steps back she takes from her work, will impact her future income, raises, career progression, pension, all of which she will need if she won't be sharing your income and career progression. If you break up, I would think she would want to go to fulltime work, to make sure she can support herself. Of course the problem with fulltime work, as a mother, is the risk of ending up having to take an unscheduled day off work if one of the kids is sick, and the risk of this being multiplied 10x or 15x or 20x a year (depending on the health of your kids), resulting in an unhappy employer who sees you as an unreliable employee. Many, many women find themselves edged out of the workforce this way. It's one thing if the mother edged out of the workforce is married and can benefit from her spouse's income. It's altogether another thing if she's single.

this 10000%.

I’m hoping you’ll be doing some thinking @dadoftwo1992 after seeing the feedback on this thread..

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 08:08

He doesn't need to think about it. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they are not happy with. His responsibility is to their children. That responsibility does not extend to covering his ex's equal responsibility to their children. She needs to figure her own life out. She's in a better position than most with having a council house already and a decent income.

Campervangirl · 13/08/2023 08:15

Ignore the posters who rattle on about men abandoning their families, you paying her maintenance (you don't earn enough to pay maintenance), men not doing enough childcare etc.
A lot of women are left literally holding the baby but it sounds like in your case you're prepared to do your bit.
BEFORE all the pps jump on me, I was left holding the baby, I survived with no help from exp, I've always worked, got a mortgage, sorted and paid for childcare and raised DC by myself all without applying for benefits.
You want to leave then leave.
She'll be frightened of the future, how she'll cope emotionally and financially and she may still love you.
You're prepared to have the DC 50/50, she earns more than you so you probably won't have to pay CMS.
You will also need to house yourself to have your DC and I assume private rental will be more expensive than HA property.
You need to sit down and discuss it, surely between you you can work out a fair plan, shared custody, shared extras like clothes, clubs, childcare costs, supporting each other with the DC when the other is working.
You need to move forward with your plans to leave, you can't be blackmailed into staying in an unhappy relationship.

Youwho2 · 13/08/2023 08:16

She needs to check her benift entitlement.

https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

You need to also check how much CM you need to give her. CM is really the minimum so if you can give more then do.

I think change is scary and can understand why she is reluctant to split but you have a right to be happy as well. Have you considered relationships counselling? Even if you do decide to split it will still help you to be able to communicate and co parent together.

Benefits calculators

Find out what benefits you could get, how much you could get and how to claim

https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

benfoldsfivefan · 13/08/2023 08:28

If you break up, I would think she would want to go to fulltime work, to make sure she can support herself.

She works between 30 - 40 hours and takes home between £1700 to £2100 every month . She also lives in social housing. She can afford to support herself fine, but she doesn't want to - like I said yesterday she'll be thinking of the perks that a household income of north of 60K brings.

Pinklemons9 · 13/08/2023 08:31

I would sit down with her and work out her income, including child maintenance and any benefits she’s entitled to (there’s a website called entitled to or similar where you can check what benefits you’re entitled to). Then deduct al outgoings she’d have (she’d be entitled to a council tax reduction and obviously food would cost less). Then see how much she’s left with.
have you broken up? Many couples continue to live together for a period after breaking up, due to financial reasons, so don’t let this stop you ending the relationship if that’s what you want to do. She may be using lack of money as an excuse if she doesn’t want the relationship to end.

Escapetofrance · 13/08/2023 08:35

it is such a shame you can’t work things out. Have you tried counselling?
If it really is that bad, perhaps you could have your children until she finds a way to cope with everything-emotional and financial.

Doyoumind · 13/08/2023 08:35

Campervangirl · 13/08/2023 08:15

Ignore the posters who rattle on about men abandoning their families, you paying her maintenance (you don't earn enough to pay maintenance), men not doing enough childcare etc.
A lot of women are left literally holding the baby but it sounds like in your case you're prepared to do your bit.
BEFORE all the pps jump on me, I was left holding the baby, I survived with no help from exp, I've always worked, got a mortgage, sorted and paid for childcare and raised DC by myself all without applying for benefits.
You want to leave then leave.
She'll be frightened of the future, how she'll cope emotionally and financially and she may still love you.
You're prepared to have the DC 50/50, she earns more than you so you probably won't have to pay CMS.
You will also need to house yourself to have your DC and I assume private rental will be more expensive than HA property.
You need to sit down and discuss it, surely between you you can work out a fair plan, shared custody, shared extras like clothes, clubs, childcare costs, supporting each other with the DC when the other is working.
You need to move forward with your plans to leave, you can't be blackmailed into staying in an unhappy relationship.

Of course he earns enough to pay maintenance. Whether he would be required by CMS to pay just depends on how many nights DC are with him as the NRP. People do talk nonsense on this site sometimes.

As a single mum myself, I'm not surprised she's worried about her financial situation. She may also just not want the relationship to end, but £33k with 2 young DC is hardly going to leave her rolling in money, and it isn't clear if she'll be in HA accommodation or where in the country you are as it could still mean the rent being high.

She'll need to work as many hours as she's able. Cutting them would be disastrous and if you're expecting her to do it so she's able to cover your working pattern then you need a rethink.

Greenwitchhorse · 13/08/2023 08:35

You have decided to end the relationship and it is time for you to move on.

You have stated that you will provide financial support for your kids and make sure everyone has a rood over their head.

She is simply trying to manipulate you into staying...just make a clean break and don't drag this on any longer.

Youwho2 · 13/08/2023 08:39

Does the children's school offer wrap around care? You could look into the cost of that.

Also you talk about her reducing her hours but why should she? Maybe. You need to consider your hours. If you work 48 hours a week is 50:50 viable? Ultimately, your days are your responsibility so if you have Wednesday night to Saturday day and she had Saturday night to Wednesday am all the childcare during that time would be on you. I certainly wouldn't be doing 50:50 and facilitating you working by doing all the pick ups and drop offs while you claim we are 50:50 or sacrificing my career for yours. I also would want 1 weekend day with my kids. You need to discuss the logistics between you.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 09:13

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 08:08

He doesn't need to think about it. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they are not happy with. His responsibility is to their children. That responsibility does not extend to covering his ex's equal responsibility to their children. She needs to figure her own life out. She's in a better position than most with having a council house already and a decent income.

1- that assumes she is the one to stay in the council house

2- the OP should be thinking of the dcs and HIS responsibility as a father. That means he should, at the very least, have the dcs 50/50, consider cutting hours to 40 hours (a normal week) so he can look after them. I’m never impressed by those men who talk about ‘helping’ and not automatically taking on the 50% of the work that is theirs to start with. And, just like the OP, they seem to think they are amazing people because they are laying maintenance and have their children more than EOW (but only when it works for them)

3- he can’t even say if his DP would be entitled to any benefit at all. Which to me is crazy because whatever she is earning will have an impact on HIS dcs and their wellbeing. If his DP ends up living under the poverty line, like it is the case for MANY single mothers, that means HIS CHILDREN will be living under the poverty line too. Does he want that? Why is it that he doesn’t even look at the financial impact on his own children?

HaggisFace · 13/08/2023 09:16

The OP is suggesting he takes the kids Thurs-Sun by the sound of it, because he works a 4 day week so the ex will gey Sun--Thurs when presumably she is working 3 of those 4 days.

So she picks up the shitty end of the stick on quality time with her kids because it must fit around his work schedule. He also says he work 45 hours per week and stated salary before overtime, presumably gets paid significantly more than normal time for those overtime hours so the salary statement is a red herring.

I would assume he also plans to keep the home given he hasn't answered the question.

If you want to leave, leave. She'll be fine, but don't think you'll get 50/50 based on solely your down time. She has downtime too and the children have a right to split their time equally.

"I want to be fair but I actually want it all my way so how can I screw over my ex whilst still appearing to be the good guy?" Should have been your question

HaggisFace · 13/08/2023 09:17

I've asked for my post to be removed, apologies it was posted on the wrong thread

HaggisFace · 13/08/2023 09:18

What is going on! The post was for this thread bit posted on another and when I posted the above it posted on this one 🙈

drpet49 · 13/08/2023 09:19

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 08:08

He doesn't need to think about it. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship they are not happy with. His responsibility is to their children. That responsibility does not extend to covering his ex's equal responsibility to their children. She needs to figure her own life out. She's in a better position than most with having a council house already and a decent income.

This.

BadNomad · 13/08/2023 09:25

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 09:13

1- that assumes she is the one to stay in the council house

2- the OP should be thinking of the dcs and HIS responsibility as a father. That means he should, at the very least, have the dcs 50/50, consider cutting hours to 40 hours (a normal week) so he can look after them. I’m never impressed by those men who talk about ‘helping’ and not automatically taking on the 50% of the work that is theirs to start with. And, just like the OP, they seem to think they are amazing people because they are laying maintenance and have their children more than EOW (but only when it works for them)

3- he can’t even say if his DP would be entitled to any benefit at all. Which to me is crazy because whatever she is earning will have an impact on HIS dcs and their wellbeing. If his DP ends up living under the poverty line, like it is the case for MANY single mothers, that means HIS CHILDREN will be living under the poverty line too. Does he want that? Why is it that he doesn’t even look at the financial impact on his own children?

Show quote history

Did you even read his posts? He's talking about having the children 60% of the time and still paying maintenance. If he does that he is actually entitled to maintenance from her.

Her benefit entitlement is none of his business. MANY single mothers earning over £30k and receiving CM do not end up living under the poverty line. And he obviously is considering the financial impact on his own children by paying maintenance he isn't legally obligated to.

HaggisFace · 13/08/2023 09:31

He's talking about her having 60% due to his working hours, not him having 60%.

But then he goes on to say 2 days and 2 nights actually from re-reading, so not even the 40% he claims let alone 50/50.

benfoldsfivefan · 13/08/2023 09:32

If his DP ends up living under the poverty line, like it is the case for MANY single mothers, that means HIS CHILDREN will be living under the poverty line too. Does he want that? Why is it that he doesn’t even look at the financial impact on his own children?

The DP earns a good wage and lives in social housing, so won’t be heading into poverty if the OP leaves, so stop with your histrionics.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2023 09:34

You seem to be implying that you think she should work less and claim benefits, so that you can leave. I'm wondering why you think that is an acceptable solution? You need to think a bit harder about how you can facilitate her working, maybe you can work out a compromise so that both of you can work as much as you need to.

andthat · 13/08/2023 09:34

@Dery mumsnet is fond of telling people… mainly women… they can leave for any reason.
You might not like the reason, but that applies to this OP too.

Epidote · 13/08/2023 09:46

Her economical struggles are more or less correct but she had underestimated the money she made. If you are willing to do 50 per cent of child care and also contribute some hundreds to the kids she will be more or less ok.
You will be ok as well but both of you will be thigh.
Also no one stop you both to get a better paid job once the technicalities of the split are sorted out.

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2023 09:53

I think you're being really considerate. Ultimately I wouldn't want anyone being with me if they weren't happy regardless of money

I agree. You sound really thoughtful.

CoffeeLover90 · 13/08/2023 09:54

I'm assuming you mean she isn't willing to cut her hours so she has an entitlement to UC? My experience of it has been the more I earned the better off I am, they deduct the UC but a higher wage still means I'm better off. With UC you also get 85% of childcare costs. Best thing to do is use a benefits calculator, I use entitledto.co.uk- and include expected childcare costs.
For what it's worth, I'm a sole parent, no kind of support from DS dad, only paid childcare, earn less than your fiancee, in a private rent and I do manage.
Depending on rent costs, childcare, debt repayments etc she may well manage herself.

backtogrey · 13/08/2023 09:54

HeddaGarbled · 12/08/2023 20:43

It’s a sad fact that women who have children often end up with the financial shitty stick because it is so difficult to advance your career and fulfil your potential whilst having to take time off when the children are ill, always leaving work on time for nursery pick-up, choosing a job that fits with available childcare etc.

You need to think about how to equalise finances for the mother of your children if you want to do this honourably.

Where will she and the children live and how will she pay for it? How will she work and how will she pay for childcare?

Perhaps you need to be very very generous with the maintenance, at least for a few years until she can enhance her earnings when the children are more independent.

Eh? She earns marginally more and the care will be 50/50. Your post is very anti male.

Ilikejamtarts · 13/08/2023 10:00

She will 100% be entitled to some universal credit, plus her wage, help with childcare costs through UC, child benefit and maintenance from yourself. Unless she has absolutely ridiculous outgoings, I cannot see how she won't be able to cope financially. She will likely be better off single if anything. Most peoples biggest outgoing is rent or mortgage but considering its HA I assume the rent is relatively cheaper compared to mortgage or private rent.

The online benefits calculators are never accurate and can be out by hundreds sometimes. If you want some help working out what she would be entitled to as single, I'm happy to work it out but would need a bit info