Fiancee can't afford for us to break up.

[dadoftwo1992]

Title says everything really. I'm the man in the relationship, I've been struggling for a while with not being happy in our relationship, we've had the talk about breaking up a couple of times over the last couple of years and she says she can't afford for me to leave. While I do understand her problem and I won't leave if it put her and our kids into trouble with housing and money problems I also don't see how continuing an unhappy relationship indefinitely does us or the kids any good either as the cracks are beginning to show between us. There are plenty of single parents out there who make it work without a second parent who contributes financially, I would be paying her maintenance and doing my fair share of child care so can't see how it's impossible for her. Any advice or personal experiences of this would be appreciated.

@Dery, 100% agree.

Op, I would just advise you to avoid the grass is greener scenario. You have 2 young children and life will be tough, especially when both working so your relationship will be taking a back seat.

You don’t need her permission to split up. You don’t need to pay her off to leave her. You’re being very passive. You don’t want to be with her, that’s okay. People split up all the time. She’s literally saying she’s with you for your financial contribution to the household, that can’t feel great when you’re already unhappy.

Make your plans to separate, don’t promise her more now than you’ll want to have to pay in future out of guilt.

Would you be willing to cut your hours in the event of a break up? Why should she out of interest?

Have you read his updates? She earns as much as, if not more than, he does. The children's care will be shared.

He doesn't earn mega money. He needs to be able to support himself and his children.

If she won't cut her hours in the event of a break-up, then could you cut yours, do more childcare and claim CM from her?

Advice given to most women in this situation is that they should work more, not less. Is it because the UC element of childcare only covers a certain proportion of the cost so she'd be better off financially to work part-time?

If you agree to have them stay with you 50% of the time then she'll have no reason to keep you hostage.
If you're just going to walk off into the sunset and start a new life and have them when it's convenient to you (which is pretty much standard for most dads who abandon their families) then she has every right to say she doesn't want you to leave. Would you let her abandon your children?
Paying a scrap of child maintenance and looking after them at the weekend is comparable to actually living with them.

*isnt comparable

You earn a similar amount - if you usolit up where would you go. How would you afford to pay for stuff as well

I would be shocked if she isn't entitles to at least something. My colleague earns a similar amount and gets around £1700 a month including the housing and childcare element.

Well she needs to sort her finances out because she is using you as an excuse to keep you there. She needs to sort herself out, get a job if she has too. Why is she different to any other single parent out there doing it?

What? Wow she is taking you for a fool.

Can you get on well enough to sit down and do a budget for her together?
List out the rent, bills, etc all the items that will be her expenses along with her income. Then work out how you will cover child care - are there gaps between your hours and her hours.

Don't leave yourself short though, don't promise more than you need to. Of course top of later is you feel it's really needed, but I wouldn't promise in advance. Once your have the money side and child care hours sorted and you have found accommodation sorted then I'd initiate the split and not wait for her to give agreement etc.

Why would you pay her maintenance if you have the kids more, or should be the other way around? It's nice that you're caring about her but you don't need to throw money at your guilt you're not rich.
What would help if you let her keep the HA flat as the rent will be so low and you move out if you can afford to rent someone locally in your area.

I wouldn’t be staying with someone who admitted they were only with me because they couldn t afford life without me.

that’s not ok.

I'm confused about the 'she isn't whiling to cut her hours in the event of a breakup' comment.

You're saying you'll split childcare 50/50 and she works less hours than you. So why are you implying that ideally you'd expect her to cut her hours?

Why should she be willing to cut her hours? You work more hours than her. Would you be willing to cut your hours? Because it sounds like you think she should.

The money is not the whole picture - it may not even be the most important factor.
It is the time off work that needs to be fairly shared.
How will you do your fair share of school drop-offs and pick ups? i.e. 5 per fortnight, am and pm.
How will your employer react to you taking time off at short notice when a child is too ill for school? taking either annual leave or unpaid if you have no more annual leave to book.
What is the plan for covering school holidays between you, i.e. taking time off work or paying for full-time childcare? - 6 weeks at summer, 2 at Easter, 2 at Christmas, plus 3 half-terms so 13 weeks to cover.

🤣 talk about making a jump

It's because 'my fair share' of childcare will be 'closer to 60/40'. Must be wonderful to be a man and be able to deliberately choose to do less than half and still have the sense that you are being fair/doing right by the kids

Also of course it doesn't work like that, even if you do 50% the kids may well prefer not to have to spend their lives being ferried between two different households all because the adults in their life prioritised their own happiness

Of course she can afford to live without you, but she'll be thinking of the extra perks that come along with a household income of £60K. Could she have mentioned getting married sooner than planned, I wonder?

Clearly you know it's over and has been for a long time. I'd get your ducks in a row before leaving - deposit for a houseshare (after you've paid maintenance I doubt you could afford your own place). Maybe see a solicitor without telling her - take a leaf out of her book and put your needs above hers.

Ultimately if you’re not happy in a relationship and want to leave, the other person doesn’t get to tell you you can’t. You don’t need to confirm for her that she will (or won’t) be financially sound.

What’s your plan for where you’re going to live yourself? Can you afford somewhere that will realistically accommodate your children so you actually can do your fair share of the parental duties? Do you actually parent 50/50 at the moment? or will she end up being the default parent because you actually aren’t able to sustain yourself on your salary alone? Can you afford to leave?

If you are having them 50/50 or you even more why would you be paying her? Am I missing something? If she works 30 hours she needs to up her hours and make up the shortfall. You will eventually be in a new relationship and may well have more children, you shouldn't be propping an ex up. Fair enough if you weren't having your children as much, but if they are with you so much you shouldn't be funding her. I'd be furious if a new partner was paying to keep his ex whilst he had the kids more than her and she worked pt hours vs his 48 hours. Don't be a mug here, support your kids yes, but that's where it should end.

That’s such a shame, as your DC are so young.

The early years of having DC is really tough, especially when both parents are working FT combined with sleep deprivation, etc.
Big commitment to have children. How long have you two been together?

Have you discussed and/or tried couple counselling?
Has your sex life suffered since pregnancy/DC were born?
I ask this as your youngest DC is only 3 and you say you’ve been unhappy and struggling for a couple of years. No need to answer this specific question about your sex life if you’d rather not, but it’s something that should be considered as this is so common once DC arrive. It can and does get better.

Do you know why you are unhappy, and have you told your partner the reason for your unhappiness?
Is this something that either or both of you can improve on/fix eventually?

Are both of your names on the HA tenancy agreement?
If you split up, who would live where?

So, you planned to get married - wondering why you decided to have DC before getting married?
Did you both decide to start a family when you did?
If the wedding was being pushed back due to money or Covid lockdowns, surely you could have got married at a registry office after the lockdowns ended.
Who’s idea was it to get married?
Did either of you propose? Or has it just been an ongoing discussion for years?
Again, these particular marriage questions are for you to ponder if you don’t want to answer them. Although, we’re all anonymous on here.

Did you have a wedding date in mind? Does your Fiancé have a wedding date in mind?
As you want to split up, maybe you should be referring to the Mother of your DC as your partner, instead of your Fiancé.

Have you met someone else?

Your partner should be okay as she earns a decent FT wage and assuming she stays in the housing association property with your shared children, the rent should be reasonable along with you sharing child maintenance costs with her. But it also depends on where you live. It’ll be financially tougher for her to manage if you live in London. I’m assuming your childcare fees are your largest outgoings.
Will you also be doing 50/50 of nursery and school runs if you split?

Your partner may be okay, but she’ll be poorer. She’ll have to cut back and her and your DCs’ current lifestyle will obviously suffer.
Other taxpayers/the Government will have to step up with Universal Credit if necessary, but she’ll still be poorer.

If you split, will your DC also be poorer, or will it just be your partner who will be poorer?

If you spilt, will you assist the Mother of your children with childcare/caring responsibilities, so she can work more hours and/or progress her career further so she does not have to worry about being poor forever?

No, no one should feel that they have to stay in a relationship for money, but unfortunately this is the reality for couples who are unable to make ends meet if they were to split.It’s even harder financially on Mothers, when very young children are also in the mix.

As you are not married to each other - Luckily for your partner, she’s still got a full-time job and is likely to be the one continuing to live with your DC in the HA property, otherwise she’d be well and truly fucked if she was to become a single parent without a job or with a minimum wage job.

Some questions are rhetorical, but lots for you to ponder if you haven’t already pondered.