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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

446 replies

Batima · 12/08/2023 09:13

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
MetaDaughter · 12/08/2023 15:38

So what go you think is going on there, @Batima? Does he often compare you unfavourably to her? Is it a new thing? Are you generally happy - or only when you comply with his requirements?

I disliked your cardigan but would fight to the death for your right to wear what you want!

Fraaahnces · 12/08/2023 15:39

When you buy me the real life Barbie Dream House, Car and Campervan, you can dress me how you want me, Ken.

DappledThings · 12/08/2023 15:40

Boundarees · 12/08/2023 15:34

It's because you've worn it loads so he feels you didn't 'make an effort' but he was completely tactless in how he communicated this.

So? Anyone who thinks I haven't made an effort because I'm wearing something I like, even if I've worn it in front of them 100 times is someone who cares way more than I think is reasonable about appearance and not an opinion I'd give any weight to.

MarshaArt · 12/08/2023 15:44

RitzyMcFitzy · 12/08/2023 09:58

So you chose to wake up this fine Saturday morning and be a dick?

Gotta have a hobby I suppose.

Suspect it’s not a ‘today’ problem!

JudyEdithPerry · 12/08/2023 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

JudyEdithPerry · 12/08/2023 15:46

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 15:47

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 12/08/2023 09:15

In an ideal world we'd all be loved unconditionally and what we wear wouldn't matter. But I'd be a hypocrit if I said that as DH used to wear these awful silky football tops that I asked him to stop wearing as they really gave me the Ick, so I can't hand on heart say I'd love someone no matter what they wore.

Agree with most of this. I bet this gets blown up out of proportion on MN. You still love your DH just not the jumper personally unless we saw a picture of the cardigan it's difficult to say.

MetaDaughter · 12/08/2023 15:48

RTFT, @Rathouse …

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 15:51

@MetaDaughter thanks I've now seen the picture of the Cardi. My post still stands though it doesn't mean someone doesn't love you just because they aren't keen on what you wear. By the same token people are entitles to give an opinion just like you would if you loved a person's clothing too

AlmostTotallyFake · 12/08/2023 15:53

It would be the comment about your sister that would wind me up! He's tapping into sibling rivalry as a way to get what he wants. Arsehole.
I'm not particularly keen on the cardigan but then I don't need to be as I am not wearing it. If my husband tells me he doesn't like something I sometimes have a re think, mostly I wear it anyway because I like it! If my husband mentioned my sister as a way to get me to change I think his nuts would be in a jar beside the bed 😆

DaggerIsle · 12/08/2023 15:56

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Actually loose trousers, tunic top and open cardi can look really stylish.

Also not the point.

JudgeAnderson · 12/08/2023 15:58

@JudyEdithPerry this is Relationships, not Style and Beauty.

Batalax · 12/08/2023 16:00

I guess it’s ok to have our own preferences. He doesn’t like that cardigan but hasn’t bothered to say anything until it’s important to him. Fair enough.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2023 16:02

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Luckily, the op is allowed to dress for her own tastes rather than other people's.

The point is not really whether anyone likes the cardigan (and I think it looks fine) but whether it is ok to control your partner in this way (it isn't).

Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2023 16:05

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 15:51

@MetaDaughter thanks I've now seen the picture of the Cardi. My post still stands though it doesn't mean someone doesn't love you just because they aren't keen on what you wear. By the same token people are entitles to give an opinion just like you would if you loved a person's clothing too

You can love someone and not love what they wear.

I'm not sure you can respect someone and believe you have the right to override their choices about their clothing through.

CringeLicious · 12/08/2023 16:07

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 09:59

The ONLY time a man should comment on how you look is if a) he's saying something complimentary or b) you specifically ask his opinion on what you're wearing.

Why?

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 16:09

It's not that he said something it's how he did it in a controlling and frankly OTT manner. OP said that she liked it and he still carried on and made her change.

The comments on here about the look of cardigan (for and against) are completely beside the point. OP is asking about his behaviour and her reaction to it

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 16:10

@Stompythedinosaur OP usually wears the cardigan..... this is the first time her husband has commented on it. Let's not blow it up and start making wild suggestions like leave him/he's abusive. Context is key come on.

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 16:14

Batalax · 12/08/2023 16:00

I guess it’s ok to have our own preferences. He doesn’t like that cardigan but hasn’t bothered to say anything until it’s important to him. Fair enough.

What after they have set off? And make her change her clothes? And override her even though she has said she likes it? And compare her unfavourably to her sister? That's "fair enough"?

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 16:15

OP gave us the context @Rathouse. He sounds deeply unpleasant

Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2023 16:17

Rathouse · 12/08/2023 16:10

@Stompythedinosaur OP usually wears the cardigan..... this is the first time her husband has commented on it. Let's not blow it up and start making wild suggestions like leave him/he's abusive. Context is key come on.

I didn't say it was abusive or that she should leave?

I said it was disrespectful and an attempt to control her that wasn't ok.

Not sure if you confused my post with someone else?

Mikimoto · 12/08/2023 16:37

So if you're wearing a beige cardie...that makes you 70...which makes your in-laws 100?

ttcat37 · 12/08/2023 16:37

Go and buy some Lucy and Yak dungarees and he will be begging to see that beige cardy again.

LaffTaff · 12/08/2023 16:44

Batima · 12/08/2023 09:49

I've just taken this pic of the crochet cardigan I was wearing!

Smart enough for a casual dinner at home with his parents?

It looks huge, and its not the style of cardigan that looks good worn oversized...

I wouldn't even wear it around the house tbh. And I'd always prefer for my husband to be honest if something didn't suit me.

HideousKinky · 12/08/2023 16:47

I think it was the comparison with my sister that got me the most

....which no doubt is why he said it.

He is trying to hurt you and undermine your confidence.

He is spiteful.

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