Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

Comparing you to your sister is shitty.
I wouldn't like his comment either OP.

He is been honest,I am sure most people tell there other half if they like or dislike clothes.I don’t see anything wrong with this..

Each to their own, but I personally don't agree that it's nice to look nice for your partner. I wear the clothes that I like because I like them.

My thought as well. I'd also be wondering if he fancied the sister.

PP commenting on the cardigan are missing the point and some maybe are being mean for the sake of it?

If it was in some way inappropriate he would have a point, but it is a perfectly ordinary item of clothing no nipple holes or swastika patterns

I think it's normal for couples to be able to comment constructively on each others choice of outfit etc. One of the reasons I am single is that I don't want that level of compromise or intervention in my life!

Far too many men are grown adults with terrible taste in clothes that’s the point.

Far too many men are grown adults with terrible taste in clothes that’s the point.

But... so what? Taste is subjective anyway.

@SlippySarah a decent bloke won't. I'm honestly amazed at, on the MN relationship section of all places, this level of control over another adult is being normalised.

You consider that was a constructive conversation? Why are your standards so low?

No I wouldn't like this at all. I think I would be appalled if my partner told me not to wear something.

Probably just the timing that was unfortunate. But that cardigan does sound grim to be honest.

Crochet is having a real fashion moment right now.

I can't wear that colour because it drains me, but the style is fine.

Your husband is an idiot.

I think it’s very pretty - but you are mistaken about his mother’s compliment - she told you it looked smart and warm.

That’s one of those ‘find something nice to say without revealing my true feelings compliments’

Like saying how lovely someone’s home cooking looks and smells before you taste it so you don’t I’ve to lie and say it tastes good - you’ve got your compliment out of the way before being forced to lie and say you like it.

Your husband heard his mother’s ‘compliment’ and he knows what it really meant.

He’s still a dick for caring more about his mother’s opinion than your feelings.

Depends on how it was said, my husband wears a shirt I don’t think flatters him ,he knows how I feel about the shirt but he still wears it and I respect that. He likes it so he doesn’t care what I think. 🤣

Hmm, I think it depends on the context of your relationship tbh. When DH and I met, we both had similarly high standards of clothing. Both liked clothes and put effort in to wear nice items. When DH slipped into wearing rubbish for me but dressing up for others then I pointed it out.
Equally when DH started to opt for baggy, cheap items, I'd point it out because clothing is tied to how he feels about himself.
I wouldn't ever demand he change his clothes. I wouldn't even offer to buy clothes for him. I wait for him to ask. But I do comment if I think his clothing is representative of something bigger eg lack of respect or lack of self-esteem.

Maybe the way he said it was insensitive, but how many of us haven't said similar things to our partners regarding their clothes...? It's ok to have preferences and I have definitely asked my husband not to wear some things that I don't like or don't think suit him. He does it less to me as he's careful not to upset me lol. I think as women we can sometimes get overly upset about this kind of thing when really it's just clothes not a personal attack.

Id be telling him to feck off and marry my sister after that comment

he was so annoyed and made such a fuss

Doesn't sound like a mild expressing of an opinion, at all.

Fine to comment, not fine to shame, be mean (compare to sister) or push someone to wear different clothes if their clothes are clean, tidy and within the bounds of normality (so thong no, beige cardi, yes).

Your husband has told you that you aren’t well enough dressed to see his family, or that your sister is a much better dresser? Wow. Why would you consider that appropriate behaviour towards someone who supposedly loves you no matter what you look like? What would happen if you got very fat, or had an injury which disfigured you?

This thread is making me so absolutely mad. It does explain why there are so many thousands of posts by women in shitty relationships on their site, though.

🙄 I said the way he said it was insensitive. I was referring to the clothes aspect.

I’m on the fence.

I’d hate someone dictating what I should and shouldn’t wear but I’d also like to know if something didn’t look good/look unflattering on me.

@wordler what did his mother really mean by that comment then? I’m genuinely curious! (I’m not British and from a culture that’s a lot more direct in our way of speaking so I’m genuinely confused 😂)

Wow, he must live in fear of criticism from his parents.

He had those thoughts going around his head, but he projected that critical shit onto you.

You need to hand it back to him next time this way:

Don't mention your own behaviour AT ALL. You refer to the context of the other person and refer to their behaviour only.

Say something like - 'That's a very critical remark you just made. I'm wondering do you often feel judged when we are going to meet your parents?'

Your cardi is absolutely fine. Perfectly smart.

Because he thinks I look more attractive in a dress than in trousers, presumably, and we were out for a nice meal on holiday. I can't explain it any better than that. If I'd known he was going to say that I'd have chosen a dress. I like him to be happy and accommodate him within reason. I have bought/wear things he hates but I love, because I love them gold shoes. He doesn't normally comment unless asked. We like to be proud of how our DP looks, don't we? That's why the comment about the cardi