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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want children

164 replies

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

OP posts:
Badbudgeter · 09/08/2023 23:13

I think really what it boils down to is what would having another child mean to you? You can get divorced, take your chances, perhaps find someone new have more children with them. Or you can decide to accept his decision and stick with one.

The idea of having a large family can be lovely, however once you’ve actually had a child and realised how much time/ money/ sleep deprivation is involved it’s ok to change your mind.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 23:16

What reasons does he give?

Bandyarsia · 09/08/2023 23:17

Badbudgeter · 09/08/2023 23:13

I think really what it boils down to is what would having another child mean to you? You can get divorced, take your chances, perhaps find someone new have more children with them. Or you can decide to accept his decision and stick with one.

The idea of having a large family can be lovely, however once you’ve actually had a child and realised how much time/ money/ sleep deprivation is involved it’s ok to change your mind.

I agree with this completely. The reality of having a child and all it entails can totally put you off having another. You are entitled to want another and he is entitled to change his mind based on his experience with having one.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/08/2023 23:19

Your title is misleading as it suggests that he doesn't want children at all, but it seems that you already have a dd between you?

He has a right to decide that he doesn't want any more. You have a right to decide that you do want more. Ultimately, you will need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you - do you want another child so much that you're willing to break up your existing family to pursue this?

I didn't choose to have an only child, always thought I would have more, but that isn't how it worked out in the end. If I had my time again, I would choose to have just one next time... there are lots of positives.

WhereshallIwander · 09/08/2023 23:20

Did you have a difficult birth before OP?

Sometimes this can put them off taking the risk again.

It's also a very difficult time for everyone financially. Maybe he's concerned about having to provide for more?

purplebluediscorain · 09/08/2023 23:26

Your title made me think you’d been promised children got married and then he backed out when in actual fact you’ve got a young child which by the way are the hardest years in so many ways as I’m a mum to a 20 month old even right now I don’t want anymore but it’s not to say in 2 more years time that I won’t want another. You’ve got to give him time to adjunct and get used to it men do take longer than women and it’s his right also to say he doesn’t want anymore. You get the choice to leave and find your second child’s dad or stay as a family with the child you’ve already got if he sticks to his decision.

talknomore · 09/08/2023 23:30

Is he booked up for a snip then? Ask him and see how he answers that question.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 09/08/2023 23:33

You need to report your post to mumsnet and ask them to change the title @Littlestar12 It SHOULD read 'my husband and I have one child and he doesn't want any MORE children.'

Your title is VERY misleading.

Original poster
Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:53

Having another child means a lot to me, it’s what I’ve always dreamed of and what I’ve worked so hard for.

His reason is that he has simply just changed his mind.

I completely understand he has a right to decide he doesn’t want more and I don’t disregard that.

We did have a difficult birth first time around so I wonder if that plays a part. I am the breadwinner of the family.

Apologies for the misleading title it should have read “any more children”. This is my first time using mumsnet, I just wanted to get some friendly opinions and advise and reach out to anyone in the same position.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/08/2023 00:03

You say you're the breadwinner, OP. Does he work as well or is he a SAHD? Is he happy with what he is doing, or is he struggling and might that be affecting his decision?

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2023 00:09

You have a child. Even if he wanted another, there is no guarantee it would ever happen. While his change of heart must come as a shock, I would think long and hard before making any decisions that would break up you family.

In the meantime, you should
make it very clear to him that you don’t share his feelings and he may not like your decision if an accidental pregnancy occurs. If he is serious about his decision, he needs to consider abstinence and possibly a vasectomy.

Original poster
Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 00:29

Yes he has a full time job, he recently had a career change a couple of years ago so started from the bottom sort of thing but he really loves his new job.

I don’t want to break up with him I love him with all my heart, I’ve been with him since I was 18 and I wouldn’t want to leave him. I also would not want to break up the family for my little girl.

it’s just a massive shock and I’m not sure how to come to terms with it. I’m also worried I’m going to end up resenting my husband.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

JimnJoyce · 10/08/2023 00:59

Op how is he proposing to make sure he doesn't get you pregnant again? What would happen if you accidentally got pregnant ?

WetBandits · 10/08/2023 01:04

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

What a toxic suggestion

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 01:13

Not toxic at all. Why do you think it’s toxic?

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 01:14

WetBandits · 10/08/2023 01:04

What a toxic suggestion

Show quote history

Not toxic at all. Why do you think it’s toxic?

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 10/08/2023 01:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

vibecheck · 10/08/2023 01:21

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

Horrible advice. Why should he have to put up with having a child he doesn’t want just to keep parenting his child full time? Why should their child have to put up with being a child of divorce and all the negatives that statistically entails, and then put up with a step-father (which a cursory glance of Mumsnet shows can be a horrible experience) and a blended family just so their mother can have another baby? OP is part of a family, advising her to just selfishly follow her own needs without considering the others in her family is bad advice. Not to mention OP Will then have to put up with not caring for her daughter full time, and spending half her childhood christmases apart, etc. which she may find is NOT worth a theoretical second child.

yogasaurus · 10/08/2023 04:23

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

Jesus.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/08/2023 04:40

Based on the maths here you are 30.

That gives you about 10 years (ish) of child bearing time.

If you have fully discussed it (which you should and it doesnt sound like you have) and he is a hard no your options are:

  • Accept it and stay
  • Stay and hope something changes in the next decade. As highlighted the first year is a lot.
  • Leave, hope you find a new partner and go for more kids
  • Leave and sperm donor it

Personally i am not sure i could break up a good marriage over this. Consider the fact secondary infertility is a real issue for some people so you may struggle to have a second anyway.

Ultimately its a choice only you can make

GreekGod · 10/08/2023 04:40

Sorry OP. I admire his honesty. Lots of men just agree to have another child without a second thought to please their wives and are not happy and neither is the family. Resentment builds in and no one is happy. I speak from experience. A very close male cousin went through the same thing last year. His wife desperately wanted a second child - my cousin didn’t. He just didn’t want to give the time and devotion to a second child. Adores his daughter and is a great dad but doesn’t want to do it again nor does he want the financial commitment. She was the main bread winner. He said that last year was the worst year of his life with endless rows about this issue. She resented him tremendously and they are now separated. I don’t think they had other issues as they seemed very much in love. I completely get where his wife was coming from but ironicAlly, he now says that his biggest fear was splitting up and for 2 children coming from a broken home and that thank goodness it is only one child. Very sad and it almost destroyed both of them. Such a shame but neither could compromise on this very sensitive issue.

whatchagonnado · 10/08/2023 06:06

My DH tried to do this to me. I completely freaked and he compromised and said ok, one more. I would have liked three, so two was my compromise. He also said 'ok, I'll do it for DS' which stuck in the throat a bit at the time but we did manage to have our second child

You need to make it very clear what your feelings are so he is in absolutely no doubt

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/08/2023 06:24

He's allowed to change his mind. This is the one thing there can be no compromise on sadly. You need to think whether it's something you can live with or whether it's better to separate.

Those posters who are suggesting an 'accidental' pregnancy are disgusting. If a man tampered with a condom for the purposes of getting a woman pregnant it's rape.