Page 6 | Husband doesn’t want children

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 04:34

WetBandits · 10/08/2023 12:34

You really cannot fathom how emotionally manipulating someone into having a child they don’t want by threatening that they can only see the child they already have 50% of the time is toxic?

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She was actually suggesting threatening him that he'd have to have him a FULL 50% of the time to deter him from wanting to split up 😂 not threatening him that he'd only see him 50% of the time.

Which is ridiculous because if they split up he couldn't be forced to have the child 50% of the time at all.

baileys6904 · 11/08/2023 08:52

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 14:38

No, not in my experience. In the proven statistics of this country, of which my experience is merely aligned with.

Your experience is the exception. Literally the data of the residents in this country is the evidence of that.

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Can you provide me with the census or research that collated that information? Would be a really interesting read to see geographical trends or cultural bias etc

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 10:17

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 04:34

She was actually suggesting threatening him that he'd have to have him a FULL 50% of the time to deter him from wanting to split up 😂 not threatening him that he'd only see him 50% of the time.

Which is ridiculous because if they split up he couldn't be forced to have the child 50% of the time at all.

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Then the OP gets her first child 100% with court ordered financial support from her ex and the chance to have a second child. Sounds a win win situation.

Shadowboy · 11/08/2023 10:19

Badbudgeter · 09/08/2023 23:13

I think really what it boils down to is what would having another child mean to you? You can get divorced, take your chances, perhaps find someone new have more children with them. Or you can decide to accept his decision and stick with one.

The idea of having a large family can be lovely, however once you’ve actually had a child and realised how much time/ money/ sleep deprivation is involved it’s ok to change your mind.

This totally. Thinking you want a big family, then having a child can really change your perspective!

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 10:20

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 04:27

The only problem with that 'gotcha' conversation is that it's complete nonsense and men don't have 50% childcare forced on them. Most wouldn't even want it if it they could get it. Plenty are happy with EOW and some don't bother to mind the kids at all..EVER and there's nothing that anyone can do to make them.

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Then it’s even better as the OP isn’t bothered with feckless dh. She can have her child all the time with the dad paying child support court ordered. She can start to look for another partner to have a second child with. Better than wasting her life with a dh who isn’t bothered about his only child.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/08/2023 10:25

Dixiechickonhols · Yesterday 13:00
It’s ok to change your mind but it’s not ok to not communicate with your wife or husband.
Is it an absolute no, too soon and he may reconsider, practical concerns like money?
You can’t simply say no and refuse to discuss.”

Of course you can. Should a woman be forced into having another child she doesn’t want if she’s simply changed her mind?

This thread is awful. Seems it’s acceptable to many women to coerce their partners.

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/08/2023 10:53

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

What an insane suggestion. Blow up your whole family situation because your husband doesn't want a 2nd child. Don't do this OP.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/08/2023 11:03

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/08/2023 10:25

Dixiechickonhols · Yesterday 13:00
It’s ok to change your mind but it’s not ok to not communicate with your wife or husband.
Is it an absolute no, too soon and he may reconsider, practical concerns like money?
You can’t simply say no and refuse to discuss.”

Of course you can. Should a woman be forced into having another child she doesn’t want if she’s simply changed her mind?

This thread is awful. Seems it’s acceptable to many women to coerce their partners.

I disagree that you can simply say no to your spouse and refuse to discuss at all and refuse to consider counselling.
Its clear a second was contemplated and even a timescale discussed.
Now it’s just no. Op has posted here as she has no idea where he is coming from.
No one should have a child they don’t want I’m not saying that at all.
But they are married they need to communicate. No marriage can survive a failure to communicate of that magnitude.
If you love someone and care for them then you communicate.
It’s same for any major decisions. If they’d agreed to emigrate to Australia you would expect more discussion after a change of heart than no.
It could be any reason but Op is floundering in the dark as she doesn’t know where his head is at.
It may be after talking it’s still a hard no but at least Op will know.
No agenda for large families from me, I have one dc but as someone married over 20 years I know communication is key.
If he sticks to I’m not talking about it the marriage is over.

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 11:03

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/08/2023 10:53

What an insane suggestion. Blow up your whole family situation because your husband doesn't want a 2nd child. Don't do this OP.

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If you read through the OP’s posts the dh has refused couples counselling and refuses to give a reason for has changed his mind. Doesn’t sound good for the op to have to deal with the my way situation. I’d say highway to that.

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/08/2023 11:11

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 11:03

If you read through the OP’s posts the dh has refused couples counselling and refuses to give a reason for has changed his mind. Doesn’t sound good for the op to have to deal with the my way situation. I’d say highway to that.

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I have read them.

I agree that there should be some discussion on it and couples counselling if the OP feels that strongly about it. The fact that there hasn't been doesn't mean the OP should nuke her family situation.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/08/2023 11:26

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/08/2023 11:11

I have read them.

I agree that there should be some discussion on it and couples counselling if the OP feels that strongly about it. The fact that there hasn't been doesn't mean the OP should nuke her family situation.

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I couldn’t stay with someone that wouldn’t speak to me though.
By refusing to speak at all to his wife the marriage is dead anyway.

myNewName21 · 11/08/2023 11:27

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/08/2023 08:10

She's only two. You've just survived the first two years which are some of the worst. He is also thriving in a new job and is probably starting to make real progress and you are both getting some sleep.
I would give him some time and try again at a later point when your daughter is being particularly adorable.
People change their minds all the time. Don't resort to tricking him.

tend to agree with this, maybe wait until DD is a year or 2 older and revisit this

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 11:32

Tinklyheadtilt · 11/08/2023 11:11

I have read them.

I agree that there should be some discussion on it and couples counselling if the OP feels that strongly about it. The fact that there hasn't been doesn't mean the OP should nuke her family situation.

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The dh is nuking the family. No discussion. No reasons. Changing his mind on something so important has to be discussed. How can the op just say ok and continue happily. The dh expects this but it’s not a no to a new car or a new kitchen it’s no to having a second child and that means the no has to be discussed. There are consequences such as the choice of no siblings, lots of things to be discussed to enable the op to move forward.

baileys6904 · 11/08/2023 12:07

ButterCrackers · 11/08/2023 11:32

The dh is nuking the family. No discussion. No reasons. Changing his mind on something so important has to be discussed. How can the op just say ok and continue happily. The dh expects this but it’s not a no to a new car or a new kitchen it’s no to having a second child and that means the no has to be discussed. There are consequences such as the choice of no siblings, lots of things to be discussed to enable the op to move forward.

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There has bene discussion though??? How many times do people have to round the circle before it qualifies?

Fwiw I think the dh should have discussed, but reading the OP and the updates, I think they have gone over this a number of times already but perhaps the OP didn't want to hear or thought there was still time.

I can picture this being a recurring discussion that causes friction every time and so the dh took decisive action to break the cycle

Dixiechickonhols · 11/08/2023 12:18

It doesn’t sound like a discussion to me.
Op says they were agreed on a second and had discussed a timescale and when she’s said should we start ttc no 2 now he’s said no and won’t elaborate further on I’ve changed my mind.
Surely if he had changed mind he should have spoken to her to give her a heads up. Until last week she thought he was on same page.
She’s supposed to be his wife but he won’t even open up and explain why he’s changed his mind.
He is quite within his rights to change his mind and say no more but the manner he’s done it I can’t see how a marriage can survive.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/08/2023 12:27

Iamclearlyamug · 10/08/2023 08:36

I feel for you. Unfortunately I think the 'No' in this situation has the deciding vote.

However I would make further contraception his responsibility since HE is the one who doesn't want more kids. So he either provides and uses condoms EVERY time, or he books in for the snip - if he doesn't want to do either of these things, then he can't be completely against more children can he?

Totally agree with this. OP, you are entitled to say you're not prepared to use birth control any longer (if you do)
I'd also say the things you've said on here about always supporting him and now he's calling the shots and preventing you having what you want.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2023 12:32

Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 11:54

Yes we talked about it a good year ago and figured out when we would be financially ready and spring is what we said. He won’t really give me a reason other than that he has changed his mind

So what contraception is he proposing?

Is there anything else he's moving the goalposts on?

Is he worried you'll lose your earning power?

Bonmot57 · 11/08/2023 14:02

A rather manipulative strategy. And one very likely to promptly backfire if he does the sensible thing and books a vasectomy.

This is a new human life under discussion not a new car. No-one whose heart isn’t in it should have a child purely for someone else. No-one is entitled to x number of children.

Original poster

Littlestar12 · 11/08/2023 14:18

He’s a great husband and a great father to our little girl.

I just feel totally blindsided as I thought we wanted the same things until a few days ago. I was ready to start trying again and I thought he was too. I’m just absolutely devastated and feel quite heartbroken.

I would never force/coerce him into having another child with me at all and completely respect his boundaries. But I do think I deserve a proper conversation as to why he changed his mind so quickly. If we don’t talk through this properly I fear I won’t be able to get any closure and will begin to resent him.

OP posts:

CallistaFlockfart · 11/08/2023 14:40

mummymeister · 10/08/2023 09:37

So really OP this isnt actually about more children is it. its about the fact that in your relationship if its something he wants then he gets it. every. single. time. and you facilitate that and have always facilitated it. thats the real issue here and thats what will build and build and you will come to really resent as time goes on. you need to sit down with him asap. make it clear that you respect what he has said but, in future, he will have to compromise for you in all other areas of your life. tell him, you are drawing a line under the past and the fact that what he wants he gets and its now going to be much more 50/50. I can tell you, this wont be easy for you to say or do and he really is not going to like it. but you have to stick to your guns otherwise you will live a half life, not your own and not doing the things you want to do.

^^ this sums it up perfectly

He always wants his own way in the relationship

Sometimeswinning · 11/08/2023 15:30

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 11/08/2023 00:22

Nobody needs to have another baby. They may want one but that isn’t a need.

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Of course it's a need. Marriages and relationships fail because of that need. If people just wanted babies/children and couldn't get them they would find something else and move on. It's the need which is crippling. That's my theory anyway.

toddlermom99 · 11/08/2023 18:10

Your daughter is still so young. I think your idea of waiting another year or so then discussing again is perfect.

Original poster

Littlestar12 · 14/10/2024 10:06

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

If anyone is still following this post I have an update - and not a good one if that.

I decided to give the topic a break with my husband and thought I would wait another year or so and raise the conversation again. However out of nowhere last September my husband came to me and apologised and said he did want more children with me, I was so happy and we started trying straight away. October last year I was lucky enough to fall pregnant and we were both so happy.

Unfortunately in January this year I found out he had been having an affair with a colleague and this affair had been going on for around 16 months. I was 4 months pregnant when I found out and it still continued even though I was pregnant. This explains why he completely gaslit me in the first place.

Our baby boy is now 4 months old and our little girl is 3. I never thought I would be in this situation as a woman, a mother. I feel like my whole life has been ripped from beneath me.

The woman knew all about me too. Came to my house and everything. She shared a lot of details with me about their relationship and it's sickening. Aren't some people just absolutely lovely hey!

OP posts:

Mylovelygreendress · 14/10/2024 10:47

So sorry to read this . What a pair of shits.
Has he moved out ? Is the affair over ?
Look after yourself . I hope you have a good support network .

changedlife · 14/10/2024 11:07

So his sudden change of mind about not wanting more children, last year, was because he was busy shagging someone else ?

What is your situation now ? Have you decided to stay in your marriage ? Kicked him out ? Or had that decision made for you ? All options with a 3 year old and a four month old are incredibly hard to navigate. I hope you have good support around you.