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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want children

164 replies

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:46

YRGAM · 10/08/2023 07:58

Absolutely psychotic

Show quote history

It’s what happens. The dh says no to a second child because it’s a lot of child care work. The reality then hits that his wife will leave him to have a second child and he’ll get 50percent full on childcare of his child. The thought of that might prompt a rethink if he doesn’t like to look after his child by himself. He has a wife looking after the kids more than he does and she’ll look after the second more than he does. If she does most of the household tasks he’s looking at cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his own place if she leaves him. It’s a common trade off- easy home life and a second child

Noimaginationforaun · 10/08/2023 08:48

My DH is a hard no on a second child after we had our first (adoption). I did really want a second and thought I wouldn’t ever get over it but I have moved past what I thought my family would like and now appreciate my wonderful family. I have an incredible 4YO who is just pure magic and a wonderful husband - what more could I want? I wasn’t throwing my whole life away for a hypothetical second child. Yes, I probably could have forced his hand. Told him I’d divorce him but for what end? For him to be miserable? For my child to have a depressed dad? To bring a second child into the family when I knew my DH wasn’t 100% on board? Absolutely not worth it. Children are little people and deserve to be in a family where both parents are 100%.

When we were looking at profiles when we were adopting, we had a rule of if one of us said no, that was a no. We both had to be on board. It’s the same
principle for this really.

Newgirls · 10/08/2023 08:51

You’re both young so why not say ‘it’s important to me can we discuss in a year’ and then don’t bring it up til then? So you don’t spend a year bickering about it? He might have settled into his new role and your daughter will be older.

Welshmumofobe · 10/08/2023 08:52

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP. A similar thing happened to be and it’s very hard. I decided to really focus on enjoying my child and trying to make the most of what we have. I’ve also focused on ensuring my child has friends of a similar age and gets to eg go on holiday / go for days out with other children.

The sadness hasn’t completely gone away for me but it is getting easier. I also try to make the most of things that are easier with one child eg being able to go out for the evening, having more time for my own friendships and hobbies etc.

The main difference is that I was a lot older than you when I had my child so much less likely that I would ever have a second. I agree with PPs who say that his feelings might change as time goes on (although, to be fair, my partner’s feelings haven’t, even though our child is lovely and relatively easy in terms of sleeping / behaviour etc).

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 08:55

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:46

It’s what happens. The dh says no to a second child because it’s a lot of child care work. The reality then hits that his wife will leave him to have a second child and he’ll get 50percent full on childcare of his child. The thought of that might prompt a rethink if he doesn’t like to look after his child by himself. He has a wife looking after the kids more than he does and she’ll look after the second more than he does. If she does most of the household tasks he’s looking at cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his own place if she leaves him. It’s a common trade off- easy home life and a second child

Show quote history

Blackmail is never a good way to discuss family planning. And as if anyone’s ever been forced to have their child 50/50 or any amount more than they want to. Your hypothetical man just says no thanks, like millions of men do all the time.

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:57

Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 08:32

Yes I’m 30, he’s 32.

I feel like I have spent my whole life supporting him and doing everything to please him. I do everything for him at home and I’ve been his biggest supporter.

I wouldn’t tick him, I want to him to want to have more children too.

I guess it’s just so sad that he has the control and I just have to go along with it hoping he changes his mind in the future.

I don’t want to break up with him or break the family so I can have another child. It’s his children I want not anyone else’s.

thanks to everyone who’s responded but it really sounds like all my options are me being the bad guy so it sounds like I just have to accept it

Reading your reply the only way forward is for him get a vasectomy to ensure he can’t have any more kids and there won’t be a condom failure. He needs to prove his commitment to not having any more kids. Tell him no vasectomy means no more sex. Also if he ever leaves you and meets someone else he wont be able to have kids with them so no false hopes for other women wanting a child.

WeWereInParis · 10/08/2023 09:02

EAP · 10/08/2023 07:50

Maybe he doesn't see a long term future with you and wants to limit the number of dependants, in the event that you separate?

Or maybe he just doesn't want another child. Plenty of people only want one child.

AmazingSnakeHead · 10/08/2023 09:03

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

This is crazy.

OP I have not advice but can give the other side. We had never really discussed it in detail but two children was always our plan, and what we both wanted. I know that DP wants another one. But after my first one I was just done. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel that although I am a good enough mum to my DS, I just don't have it in me to be a good mum to more children. I really like our life and don't want the stress and strain of another child.

Situation is maybe a bit different in the sense that if DP REALLY wanted one and was willing to do the year off instead of me, I'd consider it, but it might still be a no. If my DP tried to threaten to divorce me over it I'd be lost for words.

I will say you're at the toughest stage, try it again in a year and see.

FishNetz · 10/08/2023 09:05

Can you do therapy and couples therapy. You’ll likely need it to get through the next few years.

WeWereInParis · 10/08/2023 09:07

If he is serious about his decision, he needs to consider abstinence and possibly a vasectomy.

I absolutely agree that if he's serious, he needs to get a vasectomy.

However I'd put money on OP not pushing that with him, as I imagine she's hoping he'll change his mind in a year or two. Which isn't a criticism, I can understand her wanting to keep the options open just in case.

AgnesX · 10/08/2023 09:08

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

Facile comment 🙄

WiredND · 10/08/2023 09:10

He has the right to choose and a right to change his mind. That right doesn't just apply to women.

I trust he is taking full responsibility for contraception i.e. vasectomy?

sodthesodoff · 10/08/2023 09:11

Has he said he's changed his mind?

Not in the sense of trying to talk him round. But you sound very blind sided. Like this is out of the blue

For your own sanity and if there is any hope of salvaging the relationship so you're not eaten up with resentment I think there needs to be more open conversation so you can understand each other more. What this baby means to both of you.

I think it's important not to approach it in the sense of 'knowing why he doesn't want one so I can counter his argument'. But in trying to understand each other's point of view. If that makes sense.

Open and honest conversation is the way to go. And only once you have all the facts you can decide whether having a baby or a larger family or more or less important than what you already have. But yes it's a tricky one as you could end up deeply resenting him and the marriage could end up failing anyway

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 09:12

I’m not sure why contraception always comes up on threads like this as in “oh well then he’ll have to use condoms every time- let’s see how long that lasts ! You’ll be pregnant in no time!”
Whereas in reality if you really don’t want a baby, condoms are your friend! Most men are not so short sighted

rainbowstardrops · 10/08/2023 09:18

Oh that's really shit for you. I mean, you obviously shouldn't trick him and you can't force him to change his mind because he has every right not to want another child but I'd be definitely sitting down and reiterating how upset you feel now.
Maybe ask to rethink in a year? I remember being adamant that I didn't fancy having another child until my first was about to start school and then I had an overwhelming desire for a second and I can't imagine not having two now. So he might rethink later on. You really must tell him how upset you are though. Don't bottle it up because you'll just grow resentful.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/08/2023 09:22

Being with the husband I loved and who loved me would have been far more important to me than having another child but you need to decide what’s more important to you, OP.

He is perfectly entitled to change his mind.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 10/08/2023 09:25

I’d choose more kids over a man any day

JorisBonson · 10/08/2023 09:26

It's unfair to ask him to rethink / hope he'll change his mind / return to the subject in a year. The man has made a valid choice that needs to be respected, and OP needs to base what she does around that.

Can you imagine if a man was asking this question? No way would be be told to ask his wife to rethink.

QueenofLouisiana · 10/08/2023 09:26

On our marriage, I was the one who changed their mind. I realised that I really could not face having another- although we had planned for 2, bought a house to fit 2 in, even discussed trying for number 2.

Why? I’d had PND, I found the baby/ early toddler bit very hard and I’d returned to work in a career I enjoy. I could not see how another child would improve what we had.

I really hope that DH didn’t think I was planning to leave for another partner or start making plans to move on himself. I don’t know how I would have coped if he’d said he was leaving and wanted 50% custody because he wanted another child elsewhere. Probably I would have agreed to another, but the resentment would have been unbearable. I did ensure that I took care of all contraceptive needs.

FWIW, the single child is now 18, looking at uni costs having just one is definitely a bonus (no allowance made if you are supporting 2 uni students). We’ve had a good life as a family of 3.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 09:33

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 10/08/2023 09:25

I’d choose more kids over a man any day

@Lovestinksyeahyeah

you generally need a man in order to have kids though…

Hollyppp · 10/08/2023 09:34

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 10/08/2023 09:25

I’d choose more kids over a man any day

Same

mummymeister · 10/08/2023 09:37

So really OP this isnt actually about more children is it. its about the fact that in your relationship if its something he wants then he gets it. every. single. time. and you facilitate that and have always facilitated it. thats the real issue here and thats what will build and build and you will come to really resent as time goes on. you need to sit down with him asap. make it clear that you respect what he has said but, in future, he will have to compromise for you in all other areas of your life. tell him, you are drawing a line under the past and the fact that what he wants he gets and its now going to be much more 50/50. I can tell you, this wont be easy for you to say or do and he really is not going to like it. but you have to stick to your guns otherwise you will live a half life, not your own and not doing the things you want to do.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 09:39

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:46

It’s what happens. The dh says no to a second child because it’s a lot of child care work. The reality then hits that his wife will leave him to have a second child and he’ll get 50percent full on childcare of his child. The thought of that might prompt a rethink if he doesn’t like to look after his child by himself. He has a wife looking after the kids more than he does and she’ll look after the second more than he does. If she does most of the household tasks he’s looking at cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his own place if she leaves him. It’s a common trade off- easy home life and a second child

Show quote history

Lol, no they don't. Many have the every other weekend set up. They can more than cope with 4 days a month.

It's not the (completely voluntary by the way) time they'll spend with their child on their own that makes them stay. It's not wanting to lose money in a divorce, not wanting to set up a new house and do his own chores/go dating and have a new partner wanting exactly the same, another child/hassle factor of divorce.

It's the path of least resistance. And you can absolutely tell when a father didn't want subsequent DC. The genuine interest in only the first born does not go unnoticed.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 10/08/2023 09:45

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:57

Reading your reply the only way forward is for him get a vasectomy to ensure he can’t have any more kids and there won’t be a condom failure. He needs to prove his commitment to not having any more kids. Tell him no vasectomy means no more sex. Also if he ever leaves you and meets someone else he wont be able to have kids with them so no false hopes for other women wanting a child.

Show quote history

What is wrong with you?

Peony654 · 10/08/2023 09:45

It’s so hard. He’s allowed to decide that, he doesn’t need a reason but I do wonder if some couples counselling might help you both, if you want to stay together? It could help you understand his reasoning, and plan for a way forward. Equally if having another child is more important that your marriage and existing child, that’s your decision to break up and find someone to have more kids with, or use a sperm donor. But your DH needs to be the one taking the lead on contraception.