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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want children

164 replies

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 10/08/2023 13:01

Almost identical to me OP.

We're very nearly 30 and 32, have a 16 month old and been married 4 years (together since 16/18).

My husband would happily stop at DS, we wouldn't be thinking of trying for number 2 until mid next year, but I know he would be happy with just the one.

justasking111 · 10/08/2023 13:06

Reading @Littlestar12 posts, she's the breadwinner, she's supported him for years as his whims changed. He now has a job he loves is still basically in charge of all decisions. So many red flags

elsieandthepooch · 10/08/2023 13:19

We've been where you are, except in our situation it was DH who wanted another child and I didn't.

You can't force him or bribe or even trick him (totally wrong) into having another child. It really takes two to want another. He would resent you immensely if you accidentally got pregnant and it wouldn't be fair on that child either.

In our situation I had to sit DH down and explain all of my reasons. I gave him the choice to stay or go if he really wanted another, but it was non-negotiable for me. It took him time, but after a few months he came to the same conclusion that we worked as a family of 3 and another would just be unfair all round.

Spacemoon · 10/08/2023 13:20

So many toxic replies here. Some of you sound very unhinged to say the least.

OP I agree with the poster who said you are still young, so agree to come back and discuss it in a years time. Hopefully things will feel a bit more settled and he might have changed his mind, or who knows, you might have changed your mind. A lot can happen in a year, so sit with it and come back to discuss a year or so down the line.

Personally I wouldn't want a child with someone who wasn't all in, nor would I want to be agreeing to have a child if I myself wasn't all in. I had a similar situation with DH, but it was me that didn't want a 2nd child. DH asked the question when DS was around 18 months and I flat out refused, not even willing to compromise, I had been through a lot including PND, so at that time it was the last thing I wanted. Roll on 6 months and I suddenly had a change of heart and REALLY wanted another, mentioned it to DH and he had changed his mind a bit and wasn't as sure 🤣 but a few months later we were both on the same page and started TTC and had our beautiful DD.

Wimbourne · 10/08/2023 13:33

Give it some time, op. You sound totally knocked for six and that’s not a good state to be in when making big decisions. After a year or two you may find you’ve made peace with having one child, or he may have changed his mind again, or some underlying reassign for his change of mind may have emerged. If not, you can decide then whether it’s worth taking a chance on ending the marriage to have another baby.

DixonD · 10/08/2023 13:44

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:21

Consider the fact secondary infertility is a real issue for some people so you may struggle to have a second anyway.

Seems unlikely at only 30 yrs old.

There’s a lot more factors to infertility than age.

justasking111 · 10/08/2023 13:47

DixonD · 10/08/2023 13:44

There’s a lot more factors to infertility than age.

Show quote history

Not so much when you've already had one

labamba007 · 10/08/2023 13:50

I was your husband in this scenario and my husband was you. My husband was disappointed at the prospect of not having a second child but he understands why. I think discussing his reasons could help, and maybe exploring how things could be different next time.

He can't expect to say 'no' and then that's it. Even if it is a no it helps when there's understanding.

You have closure and you can decide what to do next.

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 14:28

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 10:27

Whilst your father sounds like a wonderful man, PP is correct that the housework and child raising predominantly falls to women.

I know married women, who do virtually all of the above. I know single mothers, who do all of the above. I know of no separated father who has his DC more than eow and one evening in the week for tea. The only man I know who has full time sole responsibility for his DC, is a widow.

Men like your dad do obviously exist, but they are the exception, not the rule.

Show quote history

You mean in your experience, they are the exception rather than the rule.

Thankfully in my experience most men I know have 50/50 custody, and have joint responsibility with childcare, taxi-ing, school runs etc etc.

The poster (not the OP) didn't say predominantly. They spoke like they were the all-knowing guru of life. They were far too busy man hating

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 14:34

You didn't say most. You said men.

I've mentioned one man who disproved your statement. The majority of men I know that have seperated from their wives, share custody, expense, childcare, taxi ing etc etc

It's a shame you've had such a crap experience with men that your default opinion is so low. I hope you find someone that raises that for you

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 14:38

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 14:28

You mean in your experience, they are the exception rather than the rule.

Thankfully in my experience most men I know have 50/50 custody, and have joint responsibility with childcare, taxi-ing, school runs etc etc.

The poster (not the OP) didn't say predominantly. They spoke like they were the all-knowing guru of life. They were far too busy man hating

Show quote history

No, not in my experience. In the proven statistics of this country, of which my experience is merely aligned with.

Your experience is the exception. Literally the data of the residents in this country is the evidence of that.

Naunet · 10/08/2023 20:09

OP, the second child issue aside, why DP you love this man?
He’s selfish, you have sacrificed for him many times it seems, but he’s not willing to ever do the same for you, like having therapy. Why do you think that’s ok?

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/08/2023 20:33

@Littlestar12 Given that he can’t give you a proper answer and has actively changed his mind, has anything changed within your relationship? It may be he’s not sure about your relationship now to go from being totally on board to having another to now just saying no. If you genuinely think everything is fine between you then I would talk to him a bit more. Just because he’s set on his decision doesn’t mean you have to go along with it and that your wants are shut down. I think it’s very unfair for him just to say no, not properly discuss it and him to just expect you to give up your dream and stay with him. I would be a bit more firm in your stance that you DO want another child so what does HE suggest now? He’s well within his rights to not want more but he’s been planning this previously with you so as a couple you should discuss the different options/ outcomes that come from him changing his mind. Does he feel that strongly about it that he is willing to let this split you up? What if you split up and he met someone else who wanted kids/wanted more? I’m only reading between the lines here and could be wrong in the vibe I get but it reads like you might be quite passive in this relationship and that hes the one who gets what he wants a lot.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/08/2023 20:47

It's OK to find parenthood harder than anticipated and change your mind.

It's absolutely not OK for him to have been discussing a second child for a long time and not ever sharing his feelings

It's not OK for him to not give you any actual reasons other than 'I've changed my mind

It's not OK for him not to acknowledge how much this has hurt you and how hard it will be to get over it

It's not OK to flatly refuse relationship counselling for you to try and repair the damage that he has done

It's hard to tell from your post but on the face of it, it's coming across like he has just made this decision quite lightly, and doesn't really care about how it's making you feel, because he has what he wants

For these reasons I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship

Bonmot57 · 10/08/2023 21:50

Some of the posts on this thread come across as a bit bonkers. If someone tried to blackmail me into having another child, with all the emotional, legal, and financial responsibilities that carries, I’d promptly file for divorce. Iwould never tolerate reproductive coercion.

No-one is owed or entitled to a child, and the OP is already a mother. She is not being ‘denied’ anything. A child, however, IS entitled to be wanted and cherished by both parents, not resented by a parent who was browbeaten or manipulated into it. I speak from experience as the child of such a scenario.

If the OP can’t come to terms with it (with counselling if necessary) it’s best to leave as getting hung up on this will just cause severe resentment on both sides. That will mean a broken home for her existing child and potentially only having 50 % custody. A heavy decision with serious consequences for the want of a hypothetical second child.

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2023 22:39

Bonmot57 · 10/08/2023 21:50

Some of the posts on this thread come across as a bit bonkers. If someone tried to blackmail me into having another child, with all the emotional, legal, and financial responsibilities that carries, I’d promptly file for divorce. Iwould never tolerate reproductive coercion.

No-one is owed or entitled to a child, and the OP is already a mother. She is not being ‘denied’ anything. A child, however, IS entitled to be wanted and cherished by both parents, not resented by a parent who was browbeaten or manipulated into it. I speak from experience as the child of such a scenario.

If the OP can’t come to terms with it (with counselling if necessary) it’s best to leave as getting hung up on this will just cause severe resentment on both sides. That will mean a broken home for her existing child and potentially only having 50 % custody. A heavy decision with serious consequences for the want of a hypothetical second child.

I think there is a huge difference between a woman being broody and needing to have another baby and a man just deciding his needs are far more important.

The ops husband doesn't even want to discuss it. Why not? Does she not deserve a conversation?

Finlesswonder · 10/08/2023 22:43

The ops husband doesn't even want to discuss it

That's really unfair and all the posts in a similar vein are just as gaslighty.

When a person categorically doesn't want a child, this isn't something you "discuss", its not something you negotiate or bargain for.

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2023 22:48

Finlesswonder · 10/08/2023 22:43

The ops husband doesn't even want to discuss it

That's really unfair and all the posts in a similar vein are just as gaslighty.

When a person categorically doesn't want a child, this isn't something you "discuss", its not something you negotiate or bargain for.

Gaslighty 🤣 Don't be so silly. A conversation between a couple is normal. It doesn't even have to be a negotiation or any bargaining involved. It's where 2 different points are discussed. Has this helped you understand my point more?

sodthesodoff · 10/08/2023 22:57

Finlesswonder · 10/08/2023 22:43

The ops husband doesn't even want to discuss it

That's really unfair and all the posts in a similar vein are just as gaslighty.

When a person categorically doesn't want a child, this isn't something you "discuss", its not something you negotiate or bargain for.

No but to go from all in and wanting another child and setting a date for trying etc to suddenly saying no I think the op deserves a bit of an explanation.

I've already said they need to talk not in the sense of trying to change his mind. But to help her make sense of things. She sounds in shock.

If it's something that might change she might want to hold in there and discuss again in a years time. If it's something he is resolute on then she has to decide what to do with that information.

But she can't decide how she proceeds with her life and her future if she doesn't know what the hell is going on.

The fact he won't talk to her at all is the most concerning thing about this situation.

MaxTalk · 10/08/2023 22:57

I feel sorry for your husband. No one should be forced or be made to feel guilty for not wanting children.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 10/08/2023 23:14

He sounds a bit controlling. If he could give some valid reasons it might soften the blow but a firm no to couples counselling, and "I've just changed my mind" to a second DC is wish washy and not on.

If he doesn't come round in 12 months then I personally would insist that he takes control of contraception. Don't go filling yourself with hormones if it's him that wants to prevent a pregnancy.

Mom2K · 10/08/2023 23:18

Are you sure you even want to have another baby with this man OP?

The problem for me, is not that he said he didn't want more children (he has every right to make that decision, just as a woman would if the man wanted more and she didn't), but it's the way he's behaving about it that is a red flag.

Absolutely not ok that he won't have a proper discussion about how you both feel...and that he's given a "firm no" to your suggestion of counseling in order to help you both get through this.

He doesn't get to make decisions about your relationship unilaterally and refuse to work through things with you, that's not how it works.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/08/2023 23:51

There needs to be more of a discussion about it all.

Unfortunately for you, not wanting a(nother) baby trumps wanting one in reality but that has to come with honest and open discussion to help the person wanting the baby to understand, process and come to terms with it.

I also agree that he needs to be taking responsibility for contraception too - he can't be saying "I don't want a baby but it's your responsibility to stop it happening because I still want sex".

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 11/08/2023 00:22

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2023 22:39

I think there is a huge difference between a woman being broody and needing to have another baby and a man just deciding his needs are far more important.

The ops husband doesn't even want to discuss it. Why not? Does she not deserve a conversation?

Show quote history

Nobody needs to have another baby. They may want one but that isn’t a need.

MumGMT · 11/08/2023 04:27

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:46

It’s what happens. The dh says no to a second child because it’s a lot of child care work. The reality then hits that his wife will leave him to have a second child and he’ll get 50percent full on childcare of his child. The thought of that might prompt a rethink if he doesn’t like to look after his child by himself. He has a wife looking after the kids more than he does and she’ll look after the second more than he does. If she does most of the household tasks he’s looking at cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his own place if she leaves him. It’s a common trade off- easy home life and a second child

Show quote history

The only problem with that 'gotcha' conversation is that it's complete nonsense and men don't have 50% childcare forced on them. Most wouldn't even want it if it they could get it. Plenty are happy with EOW and some don't bother to mind the kids at all..EVER and there's nothing that anyone can do to make them.