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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want children

164 replies

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/08/2023 07:40

You need to talk more

understanding his why will help you
And to be fair there are many good reasons to stick at one

but also you need to do a lot of thinking and to some extent accept this and make peace with it

as even if you do decide to seperate there is no cast iron guarantee you meet someone and have another

bit either way some degree of making peace and acceptance will serve you

as you want your focus to be on what you HAVE and not on what you don’t have ?

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 10/08/2023 07:50

.A lot of relationships fail as soon as second child comes along. Look at posts on here from women through no fault of their own struggling to manage two children or more. It is absolutely exhausting and relentless, and doesn't necessarily get easier as they get older, especially the teenage years.
l know lots of parents whose children are now older and to me the the parents of one child have seemed the happiest, less stressed.

monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 07:50

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

What a disgustingly selfish thing to do and absolutely not fair on the child as well as the father.

EAP · 10/08/2023 07:50

Maybe he doesn't see a long term future with you and wants to limit the number of dependants, in the event that you separate?

monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 07:52

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no.

Would you ever say the following to a bloke?

"Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your wife says no."

If not, why do you think it's OK to say what you said to a woman?

Aside from anything else, it's unfair on children to have them with fathers who actively don't want them.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 07:57

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

Yeah, don't do this. You'll get a pregnancy out of it but it's a matter of time before everything falls apart.

You'll end up being a single parent of two, with a part time father having little interest in at least one of them. That's no good for them. This isn't just about you.

If you want a second child on your own, use the sperm donor route, the child won't feel like it was never wanted, quite the opposite.

YRGAM · 10/08/2023 07:58

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 00:45

Why should you have to put up with not having another child because your dh says no. Time to look at the options and move on and find a father for your second child. Your dh can have a lot of time with his only child whilst you have free time. Perhaps he will reconsider when he knows you’ll divorce him and he’ll get 50 percent of the parenting of his only child.

Absolutely psychotic

YRGAM · 10/08/2023 08:00

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

That is sexual assault btw

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/08/2023 08:10

She's only two. You've just survived the first two years which are some of the worst. He is also thriving in a new job and is probably starting to make real progress and you are both getting some sleep.
I would give him some time and try again at a later point when your daughter is being particularly adorable.
People change their minds all the time. Don't resort to tricking him.

greyhairnomore · 10/08/2023 08:12

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

That's a despicable thing to do.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:21

Consider the fact secondary infertility is a real issue for some people so you may struggle to have a second anyway.

Seems unlikely at only 30 yrs old.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:25

*Yeah, don't do this. You'll get a pregnancy out of it but it's a matter of time before everything falls apart.

You'll end up being a single parent of two, with a part time father having little interest in at least one of them. That's no good for them. This isn't just about you.*

I'm not in the tricking camp by any means, but just to be realistic, we all know women who did this for first or subsequent children and whose marriages have not fallen apart. The husbands are still there, years later. Anyone with the slightest paternal etc instincts tends to fall for their kid and become reconciled (at the very least) to them being there and not able to imagine life without them. This happens a lot. As much as the man dumping his wife and other child/ren and divorcing.

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2023 08:27

YRGAM · 10/08/2023 08:00

That is sexual assault btw

Show quote history

It's really not.

5monthmama · 10/08/2023 08:31

I sympathise my husband decided to tell me the same when I was pregnant with my first. It's ruined the whole experience for me.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:31

Sometimeswinning · 10/08/2023 08:27

It's really not.

Show quote history

Yeah, what a ridiculous post.

There is consent for sex, so it's not sexual assault.

There is no consent for baby making .... But that could happen no matter if the couple use contraception or not.

To reduce risk the man who doesn't want a baby could use a condom as a back up form or get the snip. If he really really doesn't want more kids, that's his perogative and responsibility. None of these men ever do that.

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 08:32

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:25

*Yeah, don't do this. You'll get a pregnancy out of it but it's a matter of time before everything falls apart.

You'll end up being a single parent of two, with a part time father having little interest in at least one of them. That's no good for them. This isn't just about you.*

I'm not in the tricking camp by any means, but just to be realistic, we all know women who did this for first or subsequent children and whose marriages have not fallen apart. The husbands are still there, years later. Anyone with the slightest paternal etc instincts tends to fall for their kid and become reconciled (at the very least) to them being there and not able to imagine life without them. This happens a lot. As much as the man dumping his wife and other child/ren and divorcing.

I completely agree plenty of women do this. And as pp says, they are despicable.

I don't agree that because the father sometimes stays around, that's it's because they suddenly love the child they were tricked with. A rare few, perhaps. I think that's what these women tell themselves, when the man doesn't divorce because it would actually be too much financially, or to maintain image amongst peers, or frankly too much effort to become single and look after himself entirely.

If they go with the story "oh, but he loves them now they're here" it's a convenient attempt at minimisation of the hideous thing they did.

Original poster
Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 08:32

Yes I’m 30, he’s 32.

I feel like I have spent my whole life supporting him and doing everything to please him. I do everything for him at home and I’ve been his biggest supporter.

I wouldn’t tick him, I want to him to want to have more children too.

I guess it’s just so sad that he has the control and I just have to go along with it hoping he changes his mind in the future.

I don’t want to break up with him or break the family so I can have another child. It’s his children I want not anyone else’s.

thanks to everyone who’s responded but it really sounds like all my options are me being the bad guy so it sounds like I just have to accept it

OP posts:
TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 10/08/2023 08:33

So what measures is he taking to ensure he doesn't get you pregnant? Or is contraception down to you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 08:33

It sounds like a very recent conversation. Give yourself time to let the thought settle and you can both discuss it again.

Lots of people find the reality of a baby different to their expectations, mums and dads, and all sorts of issues come into play.

Rising costs of living, especially since he changes jobs, your complicated delivery and worries it could happen again and he and DD could lose you, change in and of itself.

He may feel things have eased as she’s got older and doesn’t like the thought of the work and uncertainty of what a new baby could be like.

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:35

I don't agree that because the father sometimes stays around, that's it's because they suddenly love the child they were tricked with. A rare few, perhaps. I think that's what these women tell themselves, when the man doesn't divorce because it would actually be too much financially, or to maintain image amongst peers, or frankly too much effort to become single and look after himself entirely.

I wouldn't agree that it's rare that a father comes to love and not be able to imagine life without a child he did not actively want.

But, yes, not being bothered to separate and divorce and coparent, with all the disadvantages involved, is definitely one of the reasons they don't do that. It's much easier to stay married.

Codlingmoths · 10/08/2023 08:35

All I can add is sit down and reflect on how he is making decisions that suit him and you are putting time and effort into being a support act. Maybe you deserve putting more of that time and effort into you and letting him fend for himself a bit more, he can manage the juggle like you do, rather than you taking it off his plate. You will certainly resent him if both of you are putting him first.

Iamclearlyamug · 10/08/2023 08:36

I feel for you. Unfortunately I think the 'No' in this situation has the deciding vote.

However I would make further contraception his responsibility since HE is the one who doesn't want more kids. So he either provides and uses condoms EVERY time, or he books in for the snip - if he doesn't want to do either of these things, then he can't be completely against more children can he?

TheoTheopolis23 · 10/08/2023 08:37

I feel like I have spent my whole life supporting him and doing everything to please him. I do everything for him at home

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship.

Esp given you both work full-time.

PetitPorpoise · 10/08/2023 08:43

I agree with @Iamclearlyamug and contraception needs to become his responsibility; you will not be taking the pill or anything else. If were to fall pregnant accidentally, you will never be able to prove that it wasn't deliberate and it could ruin your marriage.

He is not being unreasonable to not want another child, but he needs to prevent it and ensure a condom every single time or a vasectomy if he is certain.

sanityisamyth · 10/08/2023 08:46

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/08/2023 23:19

Your title is misleading as it suggests that he doesn't want children at all, but it seems that you already have a dd between you?

He has a right to decide that he doesn't want any more. You have a right to decide that you do want more. Ultimately, you will need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you - do you want another child so much that you're willing to break up your existing family to pursue this?

I didn't choose to have an only child, always thought I would have more, but that isn't how it worked out in the end. If I had my time again, I would choose to have just one next time... there are lots of positives.

This.

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