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Original poster

Husband doesn’t want children

164 replies

Littlestar12 · 09/08/2023 23:02

Hello,

my partner of 12 years, husband for 4, has only just told me he doesn’t want any more children. We have one beautiful daughter who is nearly 2. I’ve always wanted a bigger family and he has only just told me this after I asked if we could start trying again. There is no compromise at all and he is certain he will not be having any more children. I feel absolutely devastated and unsure what to do. I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? Does anyone have any advice? I’m not sure who to talk to xx

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 09:49

ItsNotRocketSalad · 10/08/2023 09:45

What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

Nothing is wrong with me. Many posters have mentioned a vasectomy. I also mention that other women are protected from the false hope of a child if he meets another woman and leaves the op.

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 09:50

Hollyppp · 10/08/2023 09:34

Same

Show quote history

Absolutely

WantingToEducate · 10/08/2023 10:01

I’ve been where you are OP - I was devastated when I spoke about trying for a second baby and he was adamant that he didn’t want one. Our first baby had been difficult at times which I think was steering his decision but it didn’t make it any easier.

I think I first mentioned the idea of having a second baby when our first was about 20 months and it was just an off-hand comment as opposed to initiating a formal discussion. But as the time passed and I realised I genuinely did want a second nany I started making the decisions more serious but he continued to say no.

Like you I love my husband very much and would never have left him and broken up our family unit in the search for Baby Number 2, but I was worried I would resent him.

Eventually my husband did change his mind because he could see how important it was to me, but not until 9-12 months or so after I had first mentioned it.

About a year after Baby number 2 I started
mentioned having a third and he booked himself into the vasectomy clinic ASAP!

I’m sorry if I missed it, but how old are you both? Could this perhaps be a factor in his reasoning?

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 10:10

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 09:49

Nothing is wrong with me. Many posters have mentioned a vasectomy. I also mention that other women are protected from the false hope of a child if he meets another woman and leaves the op.

Show quote history

@ButterCrackers

vasectomy sounds a great option - it’ll give so much of a feeling of freedom and not significantly reduce the risk of having an unwanted child. Probably would be a weight of his mind if he got one

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 10:10

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 08:46

It’s what happens. The dh says no to a second child because it’s a lot of child care work. The reality then hits that his wife will leave him to have a second child and he’ll get 50percent full on childcare of his child. The thought of that might prompt a rethink if he doesn’t like to look after his child by himself. He has a wife looking after the kids more than he does and she’ll look after the second more than he does. If she does most of the household tasks he’s looking at cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his own place if she leaves him. It’s a common trade off- easy home life and a second child

Show quote history

Based on what research? That's one hell of a lot of generalising in one sexist swoop there.

You're talking absolute shite

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 10:13

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 10:10

Based on what research? That's one hell of a lot of generalising in one sexist swoop there.

You're talking absolute shite

Show quote history

What research are you basing your absolute shite opinion on? None is the answer. As I said it’s what happens- most women do the bulk of childcare and household management. I’m interested to see your proof that most men do the bulk of childcare and household management. Really interested to read that.

JimnJoyce · 10/08/2023 10:19

@LuckySantangelo35 it comes up repeatedly because we all no that most men don't like using condoms and aren't used to taking the lead in contraception. Note I say MOST men not ALL men.
It's an experience I and all the women I know have had.

Original poster
Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 10:20

I’m 30 and he’s 32.

I do feel completely blindsided if I’m honest. Even after having our current little girl we’ve spoken about the next, we discussed the timeline to make sure we would be financially ready. And only when it came to the time of trying and I brought it up is when he’s told me he doesn’t want any more.

thank you to those who have shared a similar experience, I appreciate everyone’s honesty.

I have suggested couples therapy but he has said that’s a firm no.

I think what I am going to do is suggest that we wait a year and the discussion goes on hold for now and we both come back in a year to see how we both feel then. Like you have all said he might change his mind but equally so will I.

if in a year we both still feel the same then I will have a very difficult decision ahead.

it’s going to be tough as we have a really close friendship group all of us having children similar times and we always laugh and joke about who is next. I know they will be asking lots of questions as we already told them we wanted a spring 2024 baby.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 10:21

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 10:13

What research are you basing your absolute shite opinion on? None is the answer. As I said it’s what happens- most women do the bulk of childcare and household management. I’m interested to see your proof that most men do the bulk of childcare and household management. Really interested to read that.

Show quote history

Happy to.

My mother had an affair when I was 5 years old and my father found out. They divorced and my father asked for joint custody. A financial arrangement was made where she asked for an amount of money then didn't bother showing up in court for the hearing.
My father then brought me and my sibling up from that age onwards. I'm not close to 50 years old. He ran the house, cleaned, cooked, retired from the military to be able to provide decent childcare, all the stuff that apparently men do. He did remarry after a number of years. She continued working and he continued within the house

That's just one example. I know of many more.

I'll repeat, you're talking absolute shite

ChristmasCrumpet · 10/08/2023 10:27

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 10:21

Happy to.

My mother had an affair when I was 5 years old and my father found out. They divorced and my father asked for joint custody. A financial arrangement was made where she asked for an amount of money then didn't bother showing up in court for the hearing.
My father then brought me and my sibling up from that age onwards. I'm not close to 50 years old. He ran the house, cleaned, cooked, retired from the military to be able to provide decent childcare, all the stuff that apparently men do. He did remarry after a number of years. She continued working and he continued within the house

That's just one example. I know of many more.

I'll repeat, you're talking absolute shite

Show quote history

Whilst your father sounds like a wonderful man, PP is correct that the housework and child raising predominantly falls to women.

I know married women, who do virtually all of the above. I know single mothers, who do all of the above. I know of no separated father who has his DC more than eow and one evening in the week for tea. The only man I know who has full time sole responsibility for his DC, is a widow.

Men like your dad do obviously exist, but they are the exception, not the rule.

abbysalias · 10/08/2023 10:48

For what it's worth my advice would be to give it time. This was me a year ago (though I am older than you). And now we are planning to move forward with trying for another child with us both fully onboard and on the same page.

I found that period of time really challenging - not knowing if he was going to change his mind and trying to come to terms with feeling like that decision had been taken out of my hands. So I really tried to change my mind set and embrace our family unit of three.

At the time we agreed to keep an open dialogue and not to close the door completely (though he was adamant he didn't want another), we protected time to each share our feelings, we tried to keep emotions out of it - though we didn't always manage it particularly at the start. We tried for it not to become a battle of wills but rather an attempt to understand each others pov. In time I understood better why my husband wanted to stop at one and he understood better why I wanted to try for another.

I am so glad I didn't push him with an ultimatum. And I respect him and our relationship too much to trick him into anything so that was never on the cards. At the end of the day I wanted us to try for another child because he wanted it too not because I wore him down over time. I'm happy to say that is where we have ended up. I don't know what our TTC journey will bring but I feel more confident going into it equally.

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 10:50

baileys6904 · 10/08/2023 10:21

Happy to.

My mother had an affair when I was 5 years old and my father found out. They divorced and my father asked for joint custody. A financial arrangement was made where she asked for an amount of money then didn't bother showing up in court for the hearing.
My father then brought me and my sibling up from that age onwards. I'm not close to 50 years old. He ran the house, cleaned, cooked, retired from the military to be able to provide decent childcare, all the stuff that apparently men do. He did remarry after a number of years. She continued working and he continued within the house

That's just one example. I know of many more.

I'll repeat, you're talking absolute shite

Show quote history

That’s your experience not research. If you think that your dad was in the majority of fathers doing it all then it’s ok that you think that. If you think that most men are doing childcare and household management then so be it. It’s not the case though. Most women do the bulk of parenting and household care. I suggest that you read through the site here and you’ll see that most women do everything in a man/woman family relationship.

mummymeister · 10/08/2023 11:37

"...it’s going to be tough as we have a really close friendship group all of us having children similar times and we always laugh and joke about who is next. I know they will be asking lots of questions as we already told them we wanted a spring 2024 baby...." OP when were you telling friends that you wanted a spring 2024 baby. you say we so it was both of you doing that then? if so what has changed in your husbands mind then that at some point he was openly telling friends that he/we wanted a spring baby and now he is saying no.

Original poster
Littlestar12 · 10/08/2023 11:54

Yes we talked about it a good year ago and figured out when we would be financially ready and spring is what we said. He won’t really give me a reason other than that he has changed his mind

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 12:11

The not wanting to discuss why he’s changed mind and firm no the couples counselling are bigger problems than the no to another baby.
How is your marriage generally?

Thebotshavetakenover · 10/08/2023 12:32

YRGAM · 10/08/2023 07:58

Absolutely psychotic

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MN at it’s finest! 😂

There is a thread where the husband has had a happy ending massage and a couple posters saying don’t destroy your family, don’t LTB!

This thread husband doesn’t want a second child and some posters are saying destroy your family, leave the LTB!

WetBandits · 10/08/2023 12:34

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 01:14

Not toxic at all. Why do you think it’s toxic?

Show quote history

You really cannot fathom how emotionally manipulating someone into having a child they don’t want by threatening that they can only see the child they already have 50% of the time is toxic?

ButterCrackers · 10/08/2023 12:38

WetBandits · 10/08/2023 12:34

You really cannot fathom how emotionally manipulating someone into having a child they don’t want by threatening that they can only see the child they already have 50% of the time is toxic?

Show quote history

There was no threat of 50/50. It’s really the best case scenario if a couple with kids splits up. The dh can think on that. It’s what could happen. To not think on the future if his wife leaves him up is stupid - who wouldn’t get legal advice? Preparing for the outcomes of choices is not toxic.

sodthesodoff · 10/08/2023 12:40

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 12:11

The not wanting to discuss why he’s changed mind and firm no the couples counselling are bigger problems than the no to another baby.
How is your marriage generally?

This

The fact you're not able to communicate properly is worrying. And why the firm no to therapy?

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 10/08/2023 12:44

W0MEN · 10/08/2023 06:20

My friend tricked her husband into having a third. Contraception fail

I presume you aren’t suggesting OP does this.

Loulou599 · 10/08/2023 12:48

Wow. I can't believe this thread. A bunch of women suggesting OP gaslight, coerce or guilt trip the man into another kid. Or better yet "have an accident" (which I would consider sexual abuse on par with rape).

Finlesswonder · 10/08/2023 12:50

Maybe think of the planet?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/08/2023 12:57

easy to say before you have a child you want more than 1!

I always said I wanted 2! However i didn't enjoy life with a newborn and i really struggled with it all and it got better when i went back to work - then i started getting parts of my life back and the more things got better the less i wanted another child!

I think its ok to change your mind

But obviously its a problem that you both now want different things and I am sure thats hard to deal with

NO advice really but just trying to give some reasons as to why i changed my mind

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 12:59

Loulou599 · 10/08/2023 12:48

Wow. I can't believe this thread. A bunch of women suggesting OP gaslight, coerce or guilt trip the man into another kid. Or better yet "have an accident" (which I would consider sexual abuse on par with rape).

I know right!
can you imagine if it was the other way round, a man who wanted another kid behaving like this towards a woman…

at the end of the day OP’s husband has changed his mind. He doesn’t need a reason . It’s his prerogative. It really is that simple

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 13:00

It’s ok to change your mind but it’s not ok to not communicate with your wife or husband.
Is it an absolute no, too soon and he may reconsider, practical concerns like money?
You can’t simply say no and refuse to discuss.