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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His dad hit him

159 replies

Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:06

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 16:10

No.

If a man is claiming he was goaded into hitting a 12 year old boy then what’s he going to be goaded into when the boy is 14/15/16?

Oloi · 08/08/2023 16:11

You aren't 'obviously taking it seriously' because of the rest of that sentence from 'but'.

Original poster
Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:12

We have an older son who is 23 and nothing like this has ever happened

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 16:13

Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:12

We have an older son who is 23 and nothing like this has ever happened

That doesn’t make it ok.

Every domestic violence situation starts with one incident.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 16:15

If you do stay what are you going to do the next time they clash?

and the time after that?

And what are you going to do when your child tells his friend that he was assaulted by his father and that friends tells the school?

Original poster
Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:15

You’d just completely end the marriage? Live separate lives? I don’t even work. We have a 9 and 14 yo (daughter) as well. Our whole lives would change. It feels like such a huge decision that could ruin all of our lives

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 08/08/2023 16:16

What has your dc said about it?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 08/08/2023 16:16

Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:15

You’d just completely end the marriage? Live separate lives? I don’t even work. We have a 9 and 14 yo (daughter) as well. Our whole lives would change. It feels like such a huge decision that could ruin all of our lives

It could ruin your sons life if his dad thinks it's okay to start hitting him too.

Oloi · 08/08/2023 16:16

Of course your whole lives will change. You're saying you won't make that decision, which is why I think you're not taking this seriously, but it isn't really a decision. He's already spoiled what you all had.

MrsSquirrel · 08/08/2023 16:17

Your whole lives have already changed. Your husband assaulted your son.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 16:17

Your life has already changed - your partner assaulted your child.

Put it this way - would it be ok for him to hit you if you ‘asked for it’?

Would it be ok for him to hit the 9yo? Or the 14yo?

Or for your 23yo to hit one of you because you were “frustrating with words”?

Speak to women’s aid for advice.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 08/08/2023 16:18

Would you be saying this if anyone else had hit him? Because I'm sure you wouldn't be okay with it.

Is there a reason why you can't go and get a job?

Original poster
Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:19

he still has an attitude about it (our son) making lots of sarky comments and I’ve tried to sit and have a proper word with him about it and how it must have upset him and he just starts with the whole big man talk like he’s some 19 year old gang member. His behaviour has been so so poor and I can massively sympathise in this situation but he won’t even have a sensible conversation and just constantly goes past dh with comments each time about how he throws a weak hit etc etc

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 08/08/2023 16:19

Op look at this way. If someone wound your husband up with their words out on the street/ in work etc then is would be assault and he most likely would face a criminal charge. Why is your son less worth of this being taken seriously for the sake of an easy life? He lashed out once it easily could happen again.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/08/2023 16:20

We have an older son who is 23 and nothing like this has ever happened.

Sorry but that's completely irrelevant. The fact that he didn't hit your other son doesn't magically make it untrue or unimportant that he his this son.

Opentooffers · 08/08/2023 16:23

Depends how hard and where?

AuntieJune · 08/08/2023 16:24

I think this would depend for me on lots of factors.

What is your DH's attitude to it - does he think it was a problem, want to work on changing how he responds in future etc

What kind of hitting was it, I think a full-on punch is different to a spur of the moment frustrated little slap. How much aggression was there, basically

Is this part of a general pattern of behaviour of your DH being controlling, aggressive, unpleasant, demeaning etc

Were there any other factors that made your DH less able to control himself - stress from illness, money etc, that could be addressed

I don't think you should throw your family away for a single isolated incident, it depends whether it will be an isolated incident. I think violence to children is different to violence to partners. You do need to be in the role of punishing/disciplining children and you can't just walk away if your child is unpleasant, unlike a relationship.

VeridicalVagabond · 08/08/2023 16:29

I've been with my husband since we were 14 and if he ever laid a hand on our daughter, no matter how much she'd goaded him, I'd leave him without question.

You seem to be trying to convince yourself your son deserved it so you can stay in the marriage and keep your easy life.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 08/08/2023 16:31

Was it a punch, was your son hurt, was it because your dh lost control, is your ds going down a slippery slope and your dh thought he needed a shock out of it? This is unpopular but I wouldn't break up a family over an over the top discipline method, dealt to a kid who knew he is pushing the boundaries, I would however be looking at some sort of family therapy.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 08/08/2023 16:32

I disagree with practically everyone.
Your son sounds completely disrespectful, cocky and unpleasantness and if HE spoke to someone outside the house, the way he is speaking to your dh, he would likely get the shit kicked out of him.

If you end your marriage, then you will be left alone to cope with your sons behaviours and your dh will have to do the same without your help/ influence.

Despite what people say on here, it is not illegal to smack your children in England and while it is not an ideal way to discipline children, sometimes it happens.

ArseMenagerie · 08/08/2023 16:32

Why are you the one carrying all this? What is your DH doing? Is he looking into family therapy, for help with his anger problem (no it’s not normal to hit a child no matter how they behave) - is your DH doing anything at all to sort this out?

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 08/08/2023 16:33

Dany8 · 08/08/2023 16:19

he still has an attitude about it (our son) making lots of sarky comments and I’ve tried to sit and have a proper word with him about it and how it must have upset him and he just starts with the whole big man talk like he’s some 19 year old gang member. His behaviour has been so so poor and I can massively sympathise in this situation but he won’t even have a sensible conversation and just constantly goes past dh with comments each time about how he throws a weak hit etc etc

Lots of comments here about your sons behaviour but hes a child, why are you expecting him to control his behaviour appropriately when his grown adult father cant?

All these comments could be bravado covering up fear, or he could just be being a pain in the arse being 12, or he could be going down a bad behaviour route. None of these are fixed by forcing him to live with the person who assaulted him

If a teacher at school hit him would you insist he still had lessons with that teacher?

cottagepieandgravy · 08/08/2023 16:36

My dad and I are very similar and used to clash a lot growing up. I used to do exactly what I imagine you're explaining your son does and although my dad would shout he never once hit me. What's happened is not ok OP, but I think you know that.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 16:36

And your DH has literally provided an example of when he is bigger he can hit others!

I would walk. nobody puts a hand on my children no matter what. Anyone who tries to justify hitting a child needs serious concerns.

Honestly I would report him for assault.

As an adult you show your son how not to raise to the bait. You walk away you disengage

What exactly are you intending to tell the school or police if your son reports it ?

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 16:40

@Highlyflavouredgravy exactly displays why there is such acceptable use of violence. I really despair do you really need a lot to not assault your child.?

Thankfully I live where the law is clear so he would be prosecuted.

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