His dad hit him

[Dany8]

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

Actually I do agree with what @Highlyflavouredgravy said. My dh would never hit my dc, but my dc would never be so disrespectful. My feet wouldn't have touched the ground if I had spoken to my mother like op's ds talks to his father.

It depends on the context. A lot of parents smack their children although is now less socially acceptable. I suspect most people do not separate because their partner smacked their child. I am not into corporal punishment but as a child of the 80's and 90's it was the norm.

If anyone official finds out it'll be out of your hands anyway.

No, I would never hit my child. If your son has behavior issues all that is going to do is reinforce those issues and lead to more.

Clearly he needs discipline and behavior needs to change but hitting isn't the answer.

Find the root cause of the behavioral issues, whether that be in the home or the company he keeps influencing and address them.

Ok.If dh hit you(when you were being paricularly provacative and annoying)would once be enough?

I agree with this. This talk of assault is ridiculous.

Losing your rag and hitting someone is assault.

It’s highly unlikely that a grown man who lost the plot with a 12 yo used reasonable chastisement. That’s legal. Belting your kid around the head or face (which lets be honest is most likely what happened in that circumstance) is assault.

Why is it not assault if its hitting a child but is assault if its hitting an adult partner?

And besides that if the son does have an attitude then for the sake of future partners do not bring him up to believe that if he lives with someone and they say something he doesnt like its totally okay and not assault to hit them 🙄

slap across the face for calling someone something extremely rude or fist punch boxing style to the head.
willing to learn different parenting techniques?
or need for the teen to be assessed?
lots to unpick here.
i called my mother a slut when i was 17, she slapped me, horrible teen phase certainly no long term harmful effects (and certainly wouldn't call her that again).
when i was 12 i told my father i wished him dead, yup pants pulled down and a good smack on the bum for that :( i really must have hurt him as he was the most gentle soul.

What if your husband hit you for you "being particularly frustrating with his choice of words"? Would you leave him then?

I see two issues:
Why was your child goading dad?
Why did dad feel hitting was the solution?

If you child won't talk to you then find a counsellor for him.
Your husband could benefit from a parenting course. If it happens again I'd look for other options.

I don't think for a second that all the posters who would immediately pack their bags and move out with out a second thought.
Your dh was dead wrong . Does he acknowledge that . Regardless of the provocation there is never an excuse for hitting kids . Having said that lots of us mere mortals have at times lashed out in temper, exhaustion . As long as he has sincerely apologised to his son, I would let this go.we're not all perfect :

@Highlyflavouredgravy what?? op hasnt even relayed what was said-only frustrating word choice\goading.
The CHILD is 12.!!! hit is a very vague descriptor- @Dany8 .can you elaborate- did dad put 12 year old over knee and spank his bottom,did he punch him?
Regardless-its pretty hellish you dont want to say "encouraged"the action(but clearly youre swaying towards some sort of pushed too far.is that ok?
Followed up with your 12year old CHILD is hitting you with gangster chude/smarty comments at dad.?
do you seriously expect hes going to communicate in alternative fashion.maybe apologise and exhibit fear\self restraint from now on.
whats dad saying about it all?
Like it or not-its dads behaviour that is the actual issue now.
He lashed out in frustration at words.
Your 12 year old realises you are not defending(his right to not be subjected to violence) What is he and your other kids learning from that?

What was it that kicked the whole thing off? Although it's immaterial really.

You need to sit your son down and explain the consequences of you and his father separating ie change if home, less income etc. Is that what he wants as the whole situation isn't fair on your husband and the rest of the family.

Exactly. Take it with a massive pinch of salt as all very well when it’s a hypothetical situation. I mean just look at all the affair threads, very few leave

@Highlyflavouredgravy agree with this

of course it’s not acceptable for your dh to have hit him however your sons behaviour sounds appalling and you ( and dh ) needs to get on top of that.

is your dh remorseful and prepared to do something about it? What is your son doing about it or is he just going to sit back gloating that he can push his dad over the edge and sit back gloating at the fall out knowing he’s ‘won’

This. I reckon that virtually all those saying LTB wouldn't. So easy for keyboard warriors to judge. Bollocks.

Really? I think you might imagine the bar for social services or the police to intervene is much lower than in is in reality!

Honestly I wouldn’t end the marriage because I wouldn’t have to

DH would be 6 feet under if he ever even made our child flinch

You keep talking about how he never did anything to your older son, or how it’ll change you and your daughters lives. Why aren’t you thinking of your 12 year old child who got hit?

I agree with the poster that said, how is your husband's attitude about it. I had a loving childhood, but remember my dad and brother going at each other verbally ever so often. Teenagers have a way of knowing what buttons to press. And i remember an incident once or twice becoming physical. I think ending a marriage is extreme. have you yelled at your son ever? Because we've just had a thread on MN where someone quoted an artcicle that yelling and shouting can actually encourage aggressive behaviour more than a hiding. So should your husband have divorced you for yelling once? I am sorry, but I think we have become so hypocritical - the mortal sin is a hiding - when parents routinely emotionally abuse their children (excluding them by sending them to their rooms or using a naughty step, shaming them, belittling them, making them responsible for your emotions, ie you're making mommy so sad?) And before you say I've never done that - you have.
If every transgression or (I could definately have handled that better moment) should result in a divorce none of us would be married.

And what is your husband doing and saying about what happened?

And you behind bars then for putting him there? Geez the dramatics

I reckon this would take a huge amount of work to recover from. We would never lay a finger on our children and my instinct would be that I’d want my husband to
leave.

However, this hasn’t happened to me. Would I end my marriage because of it? Probably not.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot of work to do both with your son’s behaviour and your husband’s anger. Please seek professional help for you all.

You'd offer one son as a scapegoat, a whipping boy, so the other dc don't have their lives disrupted? What happens when they all get cheeky? Are you going to stand by while he hits them all? Does he hit you?