His dad hit him

[Dany8]

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

So if I was in a bad mood and got arsy with my partner, and he slapped me, that would be OK because I was being a pain in the neck? Nah, I don't think so. Everyone on here would be telling me to leave the abusive bastard.

So why is slapping a child any different?

Well if your DS discloses to an adult outside of your family what happened then you'll probably have SS on your doorstep.

Exactly! Swap the child with anyone else, and MN would be calling for DH’s blood. But it’s ok to smack a child because children obviously aren’t important enough.

I told my mum I was gonna call social services on her after she walloped me once. She actually got the yellow pages out and wrote down their number for me and said "go on then".

No hard feelings towards her over it really, because I was a very testing teenager.

SS really aren't interested in a rude teenager being hit by his dad. Not saying it's a good way to manage his behaviour but no, they won't give a shit. They won't even do a home visit for this. Maybe a phone call if they can be bothered.

Why scare op like that?

Ooh if you don't leave, social workers coming round.

No, they aren't.

Exactly! Swap the child with anyone else, and MN would be calling for DH’s blood. But it’s ok to smack a child because children obviously aren’t important enough.

1. It seems like an otherwise normal father has been tested and done something less than ideal. It's worth a sit down chat and both father and son apologising to each other. It shouldn't happen again.

1. You can't say you'd kill your DH (put him 6ft under) if hit your teenage son, without being a massive hypocrite

Would you stay if he hit you?

I guess not.

But your son is fair fodder?

Honestly, it's terrible. But complete one-off? I'd make him do anger counselling and make it clear it never happens again or you leave.

I wouldn't rip apart a family for one incident no matter what the keyboard warriors say . If it has not happened before it sounds like your OH was at the end of his tether and by the sounds your son is goady .
If it keeps happening , well that's a different question .

What exactly happened? What were the frustrating words? Where and how did his dad hit him? What is going on with your son and his behaviour? How is your husband feeling/acting now? Is he remorseful, acknowledging he was wrong, eager to look at other ways to parent/discipline?

Only on mn would you be a branded a keyboard warrior for stating you’d leave a man for assaulting your 12yo

You need to address your son's behaviour pretty sharpish, where has he got this attitude, what has happened recently for him to change from being non goady and a pleasant child to one trying to deliberately cause upset? Is it just hormones or is there something else happening and his behaviour is a cry for help.

I wouldn't leave DH if this happened. We'd need honest frank conversations and a promise that this would never happen again as well as an apology to DS. But you'll need to work out a constructive way to manage his behaviour going forward.

DS squared up to me when he was 13, he'd just grown taller than me and was pushing boundaries. I'd told him I'd put him on his arse before his first punch landed and he never did it again. Not my finest hour but he understood that I wouldn't stand by and be threatened in my own home and there were lines which I wouldn't tolerate being crossed.

Hitting a child is never going to be a great action but your son sounds very difficult. He sounds as if he could be heading for bigger problems if he’s this disrespectful inside his home and tries it outside the home. The older”gang member” talk is worrying.
If this split you and your husband your son is learning his actions give him power, and also presumably makes your younger children live with one parent when they don’t want to.
Different tactics are called for whether this be grounding him, losing pocket money, cutting out treats, clubs, sports activities. I think you’d have to construct a strategy and stick to it. Make sure your son knows what the consequence will be. I’d go with one warning. Stop the attitude. If you don’t and I have to say another warning you will lose xxx. Any more and he loses xxx

( sorry so long winded, not feeling well and aware I’m rambling a bit)

Wow thanks for all the replies it has been really helpful to read through! Ds is being very hard atm and I will admit our 2 older children have never been this hard to manage at all I try to parent the situation but do feel he doesn’t care as I say he has been hit and I do feel it’s what he wanted in a way which I know sounds weird but just the way he is now using it to keep provoking DH. Dh has said he is very sorry for hitting and I haven’t seen that man cry since his mum died 7 years ago but he was actually crying tears over it and said to me it should not have happened but he doesn’t know what to do with him and I do agree most of the time. He’s hard bloody work. I genuinely am not sure why or what has happened but I would say these last 6 months or so have been very bad and just being very difficult. He hit him around the face while holding his phone, so it was a slap but with his phone in his hand. Ds had a bit of a Red mark after but it’s gone now. Ds very much still going “X hits me harder than that when we play fight” (X being little sister) as I say just general comments like that even stupid things like “mum are you sure you married a man” and it’s constant now to get at dh. I’m not sure what really happened between them as they never had a bad relationship. Ds is just very different to all of us it seems

No It's domestic violence
Your poor DS..

Have you brought your son to anyone? A sudden change like this doesn’t come out of the blue. If he’s being difficult, he’s communicating that something’s wrong.

I'd clamp down so hard on your DS hed be reeling for WEEKS.

I'd take his phone, his Internet access, any electronics he had, anything he liked at all and he wouldn't get it back until he respected me and DH.

I hope your husband didn't cry in front of him.

You need to get tough with your consequences. Make him see that he's not getting away with it.

I can’t believe some posters are saying you should leave your DH - how utterly ridiculous.

I’m not pardoning your DH’s actions, but your son is/was an extremely disrespectful and disgusting boy.

Most people (your DH in this case), have a breaking point.

This can often be triggered after weeks or months of bad behaviour.

I feel sorry for your DH more than anything, because this will live with him forever.

I agree with the sentiment from everyone else. But let’s be realistic. OP leaves, takes children. And she’ll be forced by the family courts to hand them over probably 50/50 if that’s what dad wants. Then dad is free to hit them as and when he see’s fit on his time, with no mum to help or protect them.
this is a reality of leaving.

This

I agree. And I don't advocate hitting your children at all. In these specific circumstances, difficult behaviour, reaching limits, regret on dh's behalf, recognises he went too far, and never does it again, I'd stay. Especially after 23 years of it never happening before, coupled with the regret.
If it happened again? Well that's a different story.

It sounds as though your ds is feeling challenged about his "manliness" - probably by peers - and probably in pretty much the way he is trying to wind up his dad.

He seems desperate to be a tough guy- sounds desperately insecure. I'm wondering from the "are you sure you married a man" one that maybe he is unsure about his sexuality and/or being subjected to homophobic bullying.

I am in no way any kind of expert in this but the sudden change in behaviour at an incredibly vulnerable age does, as pps are saying, suggest something is going on with him.

Depends on many things, primarily whether he actually hurt your son in the process (from a legal point any injury would be a bit of a non starter as I think you could have to leave your DH to be able to have custody at all, not that I'm an expert). I'd say get some family counselling for starters and your DH has to realise this is a completely unproductive approach to a difficult child relationship and accept responsibility.

But given the specific “Goadings” which seem to be directed primarily at his father being weak and ineffectual as a person, have you anything to contribute beyond giving a 13 year old the power over his parents’ marriage?

OK, his parents can see he is “difficult”, but outside their house the language used around that behaviour is going to be salty, to put it mildly. The more (people like) you give power to a child that behaves in that way, the worse it is for them. Surely what is being communicated is “Give Me Boundaries”, he needs to go right back to square one in terms of liberties, and to learn a little respect.

End of what?