His dad hit him

[Dany8]

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

You're not asking the right people OP.

You need to sit down with your son and his Dad and ask them.

Your partner needs to go to anger management, and your son needs to realise that there are consequences for our actions. That does not excuse your partner's actions whatsoever- it's simple fact.

Would I have ended a marriage over this? No.
Would I put down firm boundaries for moving forward?
Yes.

Of course you shouldn't leave your DH.

I wonder if it's worth talking to the 23 year old about the 12 year olds behaviour? He may have an insight into why he's being such a little monster, and he may also be able to give you some constructive feedback about your parenting. Sometimes siblings can see obvious things that parents can't.

Your son needs to be careful because taunting people outside of the family like that could end terribly for him.

Violence in relationships is an absolute no no. But if I had a friend who said her DH hit her, but said she'd been taunting him the way your DS is taunting your DH I'd not be apportioning the blame totally on the DH. He needs to sort out a better reaction that violence, but your DS also needs to stop inciting it.

Your husband physically assaulted your son. I couldn't even look at him again. HE has changed everything. You need to back your boy.

I feel sorry for your DH more than anything, because this will live with him forever.

Being assaulted by someone you love and trust also lives with you forever, believe me.

I have read multiple threads where an OP has smacked a small child in anger/frustration.

Many of the responses, while saying they believe smacking is wrong, also console the OP with such comments as "toddlers push buttons", "you're only human", "forgive yourself" etc.

I can't say I recall a barrage of responses advising the OP to leave the home.

Sounds like the DH here is very remorseful. I definitely would not be ending the marriage.

Not to excuse but I don't think you've explained more about the hit - where did the blow land? How hard? Clenched fist / open hand? Leaving a mark?

So the son has done nothing in need of correction?
And if so, what corrective would you suggest.

I'm not trying to be goady but threads genuinely confuse me. Aren't most people hit by their parents? I know there's a recent backlash against that sort of thing but I'm 35 and it was still common when I was a kid in England. It's not like everyone my age is in therapy crying about how their parents used to smack / hit them (and my generation certainly isn't averse to therapy for things like breakups and bereavement!).

I think across most of the world, including other western countries, hitting kids is still common. But nobody genuinely believes that all these foreign people are screwed up in the head. Aren't pretty much all Africans and Indians hit by their parents for example?

it sounds like both would benefit from speaking to someone. might as well include everyone so they too better understand the dynamics.
the dh to help prevent such future outbursts and the youngster to understand why he's acting out.

You also can't sacrifice your son in this way, his father has assaulted him.

helpful!! are you sure?you actually still minimise grown adults actions and pretty much blacksheeped your 12 year old child. A SLAP BUT WITH HIS PHONE IN HIS HAND !!
wow- so dh knew not to frustrated by words risk smash his phone when he hit your boy in the face!
guess what-every child is an individual-they dont come with a manual or a guaranteed affinity with parents
sorry.no empathy or sympathy with you\dh. if i was your kid id be happy i was sod all like you.
mum

No you are incorrect. The vast majority of western countries do not allow you to hit your children. In the EU it’s just the Czech Republic that hasn’t made it illegal. England is waaaay behind when it comes to this.

I am Swedish, born in the 70s and I don’t know a single person who was hit by their parents.

Aren't most people hit by their parents?

I really don't think so. Not any more. I'm 51 and wasn't hit by my parents. I don't think my friends were either. It was more common back then, for sure. But parenting has changed a lot, fortunately. I wouldn't ever hit my kids. Neither would dh. I'd be very surprised if any of my friends or family hit theirs.

This.

Some family therapy and parenting advice would probably be a good idea.

I once hit back after my teenage daughter kicked, slapped and scratched my face after calling me all the names under the sun. I was so upset, she was so upset. We talked, I talked to her CAMHS counsellor about it, it has never happened again. I'm glad my husband wasn't baying for divorce.

Quite clearly both parents are incapable of handling the son - it sounds like he’ll be in prison before he is 20. So maybe they should put him into care now.

Either that or put down some very strong rules to be adhered to, and no phones, no games consoles etc.

@ItStopsHere

I once hit back after my teenage daughter kicked, slapped and scratched my face after calling me all the names under the sun.

But OP doesn't indicate that her son has done anything physical to his father at all, so it's a very very different situation.

I'm glad yours was resolved.

But if your daughter hadn't done anything physical, can you imagine still having hit her? If your daughter hadn't done anything physical and her dad hit her, would you stay with him?

No way would I leave him.
You’ve been married for 23 yrs and this has never happened before? He has raised his hand once to him. A total over reaction from others.
I don’t believe in violence but your husband was obviously pushed beyond measure.

Definitely not a leaving offence. Sons need a very firm hand and your husband has shown him that he is his father and not to messed with. Well done your husband.

Oh op this sounds so tough.
I agree with seeking support for your son? Can school offer any support or going to the GP to ask for assessments/advice.

Have you always struggled to manage his behaviour or has there been a change in his behaviour? Whatever it is it sounds like you need to get to the bottom of the issue.
Sadly I think the hit will make moving forward more difficult.

What is the plan ongoing to prevent DH snapping again?

@Dany8 at first I thought hell yes you should leave him. But reading more about it then no I wouldn’t break up a marriage over this. If your son is constantly goading your husband and being disrespectful and out of control, then I can imagine why your husband lost his temper if this has been ongoing. If it was a situation where your son just didn’t make his bed one day so your husband smacked him, then my answer would be different. But this sounds like it’s constant provocation and whilst that doesn’t excuse your husbands behaviour it would be a mitigating factor in law. Your husband can’t cross that line again but you both need a plan to resolve your sons behaviour. What’s he like in school? With friends? Have you considered going to the doctors and asking for some counselling for your son to get to the root cause of this?

Op just to add. My dad hit me once when I was a teen. He never hit me before or since but I remember it vividly. I remember I said something awful, but I don’t specifically remember what I said, just remember knowing straight away it was a horrible thing to say. My dad went for a long walk and cried after. Hitting is never on..::however I did learn a lesson that day that everyone has limits and I realised I had gone too far as had my dad.

Agreed.

OP, your son’s behaviour is appalling. Asking you if you married a man??? Something needs sorting out quickly and it doesn’t sound to me like it’s your DH. He lost his temper under sustained provocation.

No more apologies now. You need to be asking your DS what is wrong with his behaviour. I’ve got two DSs, 20s and teen, and although they can both be shirty (less so the eldest now), neither has goaded us in that kind of way for more than a few minutes.

Interesting. My mother gave me a good hiding when I severely misbehaved as a child. Personally, it hasn't affected me or how I feel towards my mother.

I'm not advocating corporal punishment and I would never hit my child. Just giving another perspective.

Sounds like your son is falling in with Andrew Tate fans. I agree with a previous poster that he may be suffering from bullying at school regarding his 'manliness'. Does he have friends?

I agree, but balance and proportion is hard to MN. My DM and DD occasionally game me the odd light smacked me when I was a child...

Was it good parenting? Of course not. Did it warrant breaking up a marriage and a home over? No, that would have been a preposterous overreaction in the circumstances.