His dad hit him

[Dany8]

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

Also, you know how the sets work in lessons I dunno what they are now but we had like different classes depending on your abilities. You will find that all the top sets are filled with the clever ones who want to learn and they are taught. The lower you go the less they are taught.

In the bottom sets but especially the lowest it's filled with the unruly and they do not learn because they cannot control them. If you are in there you're knee deep and can get sucked in. In my case I got dumped low, not because I couldn't do it but because I'm not good on paper tests. I went through the entire system not having an education because of others that were uncontrollable. It's like that in every subject except PE where the uncontrollable are usually athletic and like sport and there they are praised.

I was at school at the start of the less powers for teachers and it was rife. Everyone knew they could do whatever they wanted without recourse and would attack each other, destroy school property, goad and attack teachers to react. Bang, lost their job and life. It got so bad we didn't have form tutors for years they kept having breakdowns but ofsted report meant more.

This behavior at my school at least was every year and it wasn't segregated between the years. Everyone mixed year sevens to eleven they all blended the only thing that was separated was the lessons and times.

I wouldn't want to be in school now or a teacher put it that way. God help them.

It's easy to say you would leave and your marriage would be over when it's happened to someone else

No I would not leave after your explanation.
Only people who have dealt with a difficult teenager would have any idea how much limits are pushed.
I feel sorry for your husband OP!
He definitely needs to know you don’t agree or condone violence when addressing bad behaviour. But it sounds like he does already know that himself and is kicking himself for it.
Your son has definitely got underlying issues that need resolving though and like PP’s have said. I would look into things like ADHD. Two of my children have it and my 15 year old has been struggling without diagnosis because I missed the signs. He knows right from wrong but has struggled to control his behaviour and emotions for years. It’s only now I understand him has he started to come out the other side.
It sounds like your DS is similar and wants to be understood, but is throwing it out in all the wrong ways, including craving attention through bullying behaviour.
I work with children in a school that is catered to children with complex needs like this and all they really want is love and acceptance. But don’t know how to achieve that because regulation of emotions is very difficult for them. It’s even harder when they’re becoming young adults, the world becomes bigger and their hormones create bigger imbalances.
Instead or constantly trying to punish his behaviour. Come from a place of understanding and more positive reinforcements. I know this sounds totally ridiculous considering we want to punish bad behaviour. But ignoring it while picking up on the good things he does will eventually re-set his mind to find attention from good behaviour. This will take lots of time and patience and will also mean you and DH need to have a united front.
Have a long chat tonight while DS is in bed.
Nothing is un-fixable if you put in the work.

So it'd be acceptable for you to kill your DH if he hit your son . Right .

So it'd be acceptable for you to kill your DH if he hit your son . Right .

No her DH just has to make him flinch once 😂

Different question.

What is your son feeling that is causing him to behave in a way where he courts violence from his own father?

What emotions is your son struggling with that cause him to think he should be hit by someone who loves him?

Sit down with him. Focus on him. Give him the time and love that he needs. Seek outside advice if you can.

Well you would just have proved yourself to be more violent than your husband, and you wouldn't be much use to your daughter.

Crazy!!

😂😂

If my husband was showing absolutely zero red flags and suddenly put a hand on me I'd think there was something really wrong. We have a wonderful, happy, caring, respectful marriage and I'd never find a man like him again. So no, if it happened once and he showed genuine remorse I'd be mad to leave him. If it happened more than once, that's different.

There is usually a lead up to dv, it rarely starts with physical behaviour after being the perfect partner for years and years (twenty something in this case). So I don't think it's comparable