His dad hit him

[Dany8]

Is there ever a situation where you’d let this go? I am obviously taking it seriously but to throw our whole marriage and family life away for it seems extreme and I genuinely can’t bring myself to make that decision and think I need some outside opinions as I’ve been driving myself crazy over it. My son (12) was hit by his dad for being particularly frustrating with his choice of words and I don’t want to say encouraging because that’s absolutely not what I’m trying to say but just doing everything he can to get him to hit him. This has never happened before. Is it something you’d let go as a one off?

Why is your son’s behaviour so awful? He sounds very difficult to deal with. I wouldn’t end a marriage over it based on what you’ve said here, I squared up to my mum when I was 14 and she slapped me across my face, wasn’t the right thing to do and I’m not justifying it, she was and is a very good mum and wasn’t abusive, it was a one off and she grew up with physical punishment being acceptable. Maybe it’s the same for your DH.

So glad someone has a normal response!
I am so flabbergasted that people would think a parent giving their children a hiding/smack/hit means they hit their partner.

So you think it is OK for a grown man to hit a 12 year old because he was frustrated?

You seem to be looking for excuses to do nothing and let your husband get away with it...

You are the adult here and you need to protect your son and keep him safe.

I despair at women who just gloss over violent partners who take their anger out on kids because they don't want to upset their cosy home.

Once is enough.

If you let him get away with it, he will do it again.

It is the same advice that would a apply to a woman who has been assaulted by her partner: leave and don't give him the opportunity to do it again.

I am telling you this as someone who was hit in the face out of the blue by her father as a teen: I was sitting on a chair reading, he came screaming at me and I ended up on the floor from the blow to my face. My mother stood there and did nothing. I never forgave either of them and had no relationship with them in my adult life.

Is this the same situation? Was this boy "just randomly sitting there?" or was he actively being disrespectful and trying to get his father to retaliate?

Parents have given their children a proportionate smack for years upon years without it one - having a traumatic effect on the child and 2 - breaking up an entire family. I received one or two in my whole childhood and as a well rounded adult can honestly say deserved it.
If DH punched the child in a disproportionate manner then yes it’s very wrong and should be dealt with but a proportionate slap is a totally different story. It sounds like your son is in desperate need of a lesson and whilst slapping him isn’t ideal it happens. We are human. Learn from it and move on.

Find an alternative punishment and stick to it hard(phone removal and grounding works here). Speak to your husband about it being inappropriate and come up with a solution. I often let my dc think they have won and walk away … when they try to do things with friends or log on to a game the Wi-Fi is off and plans cancelled on their behalf. They react but learn.

I left my marriage when my husband decided to hit our teen dd across the face. That moment changed absolutely everything for me, even after 20+ years together. It should be a no brainer.

Your son will remember this.
Don't be surprised when puberty sets in and he is no longer a small, defenseless 12 year old child that he doesn't turn around and punch your pathetic husband for being "particularly frustrating with his choice of words"
Learnt behaviour and all that.

Parents have given their children a proportionate smack for years

There is no such thing as a ‘proportionate smack’. We know better nowadays and most of us can raise children without resorting to bullying, intimidation or aggression.

Isn’t it slightly worse to hit a child than another adult? This child is entirely dependent on their parents. An adult can at least decide to move out and get away from the violence.

I always thought that it was illegal to hit your child, or is that like leaving a mark kind of hit?

Not that I would anyway, though. Some feel it doesn't do any harm and it's necessary but I've always felt that isn't the answer.

What your husband did is wrong.

But even if he hadn’t hit him, your son will have enjoyed pushing things to the absolute limit, and then really starting on it.

Without any catastrophising, or exaggeration, giving your son a free pass to (in common parlance) “Act the Cunt” is a really really bad idea. He weaponised a protective measure to say in effect “I can do what I like and you can do nothing.” He did a full frontal attack on your husband’s position in the family- if you kick your husband out, you will have a 12 year old lording it over everyone, and he will without conscience put all of you through hell for the next ten years.

Honestly, you have to directly address his behavior, and I would be coming down very very hard indeed. Starting with no phone for the next school year, very little free time, and a withdrawal of all privileges.

No I 100% wouldn't leave the marriage over this.

How is your son now? And was he being way out of line?

It sounds like your DH lost anyway when he gave in and hit your ds. If your ds taunts are true then he doesn’t sound scared, he sounds like he got the reaction he wanted to and ‘won’.

You can be strict and raise children well without laying a finger on them. But something sounds like it had gone very wrong with your ds. Is he spoilt? What are the consequences of him being rude? (Like taking away privileges, devices etc)?

Are you backing up your DH when he disciplines (not violence) ds, or do you run after him after to check if he is upset?

I also agree with @Highlyflavouredgravy yep it’s not ideal at all but to break up a family unit? Which generally means massive upheaval, less support for each parent and makes it harder to parent a child who is obviously struggling.

However, even children of 12 know what buttons to press and your DH and your DS have both behaved appallingly. I feel strongly that your DH needs to own his ( I am presuming heat of the moment, inappropriate) action of hitting DS but DS will have to be supported to own his poor behaviour. It would be a good idea to ask for support from a counselling service and if possible engage counselling for your DS on his own.

A serious discussion needs to happen around rules and boundaries for DS and a safety plan for DH re walking away if confrontations happen again ( which they will). I’d also be looking at the whole dynamic for DS who is he friends with, how does he interact in the home, what’s happening at school etc?

For those suggesting LTB, far easier said than done and what would it really achieve? Momentary satisfaction from a grumpy preteen who sees his Mother backing him and ‘ punishing’ his Dad? If violence was a regular occurrence then yes, but even parents are allowed and do ( and yep it’s not great) to make a huge mistakes and learn from it. With careful handling OP, which should not be solely your responsibility, and professional help I think and know families can recover.

I live in a country where smacking of minors is illegal, we also have one of the highest rates of incest, child cruelty and poverty in the developed world.

Get the hell out. He has done it once he will do it again. The ex turned on my eldest son (biologically, his son too. Though my sons have nothing to do with him) when he was 15.

I never expected him to do that. The marriage was abusive. That was one step too far. We were gone.

My father was violent t⁹o me in the 70s. My mom didn't leave. That time was very different.

When the ex did that. It was no more. I'm out. I wasn't having a repeat.

We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath. I never once regretted leaving. My only regret was I hadn't done it years before.

You will say, "He never done this before." The ex had never touched one of children before. Once the line has been crossed. There is no going back.

Please leave. Get out whilst he is still young enough to recover.

Mine were 15, 13, 11, and 4. You need out now

That is a monumental fuck up on your husbands part.

However, everyone saying IF EVER MY DH are keyboard warriors who have clearly never been ina situation where an older child is making your life hell.

Plus, breaking up the family will not just affect the younger ones. It could have a detrimental affect on 12yos life. He's clearly in a really vulnerable stage where he could go down a dodgy path if influenced by the wrong friends/situations, and something so life altering could easily be the straw that broke the camels back. Not to mention, imagine being the reason your parents broke up?

So long as dh realised it was unacceptable, and it's made clear to your son it was a huge mistake, leaving your husband seems extreme. Having an unruly (nearly) teen can be life ruining for that period. I can see how some people get pushed to the edge.

OK but this is entirely different. You said yourself the marriage was abusive. It's not the same situation.

Oh, my older brother was similar around this age. He would deliberately goad my father into smacking him because he was trying to manipulate and play our parents off of one another. He knew that my father’s firm line in the sand was misogyny and disrespect towards mum and I, so he would deliberately make vile misogynistic comments or call our mother horrid names. He’d get smacked, deservedly, and then try to go sniveling to mum about it claiming he didn’t mean it to get her to give him something or let him do something. He was really a piece of work. And no, there was never the slightest question of my father doing anything to me or my mother.

Once my brother was older he said two things about it that stood out to me. The first was that he had deserved it and done it on purpose and didn’t even really know himself why he was doing it. The second was “Teenage boys sometimes just need someone bigger than they are to give them a reality check about their behaviour and show them that they aren’t yet the big men they think they are. It’s the only thing that breaks through the hormones and shows us what dickheads we’re being.”

So no, I wouldn’t leave over it. I would definitely be going over the 12 year-old’s behaviour with a fine-toothed comb though to get to the bottom of why he seems to be spoiling for a fight and talking about how other people “hit.” That’s really specific and is coming from somewhere.

A boundary has been crossed. He has physically assaulted a child. Your child.
what kind of message is this teaching your son?

You are right. But people love to claim they'd immediately leave their partner of 23+ years for something that has never happened before and is out of character.

Not buying it.

I completely agree with this @Dany8 . It's a one off and your son is still trying to provoke him!

But I do think you need to discuss with your DH about it never happening again, for all your sakes. I doubt those saying LTB or equivalent wouldn't do so themselves in this situation. Easy to say you would when you are not in your particular situation

i can tell you that a friend reported her estranged husband to SS for hitting their son on a visit. Son confirmed the story to SS and they weren’t particularly interested. Contact continues unabated.

Make of that what you will.

This doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Why is your son behaving so poorly? What’s making him so unhappy? Does he usually clash with your husband? What are the triggers?

This… Lots of people quick to say LTB on MN, and I get it. But life is rarely as simple as social media can make it seem. What does your DH think/say about it, OP? And how do you feel about it/your DH?

Oh I happily would be