The getting a life thread

[LifeLoading]

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice

Ignore above comment, Wrong post. Apologies.

Part of the reason I started this thread is because I was one such poster not too long ago. I hit a particularly low point after losing my oldest and closest friends when they betrayed me and I realised I had no friends at all. This coincided with feelings about an upcoming milestone birthday and something just snapped. I threw myself into doing new activities and meeting people.

I’m quite the introvert so I was really nervous but these feeling were trumped by the fear that this was how he rest of my life was going to pan out. To my surprise, people were really nice and friendly and as my confidence self esteem improved and I was braver about being myself, I’ve found that people are actually drawn to me. I also received counselling, and more recently, confidence coaching and made real effort to focus on self care which have all helped with my self esteem and I’m now in a really good place.

I was sure I would be grieving my friends for at least a year but just weeks later, I’m 90% over it and well on my way to forgiving them (but I’ll never be friends with them again). I’m feeling really happy and contented, if anything, my social calendar is a little too full! I never would have believed how quickly you can turn things around, but it just took a little leap of faith.

Are you a life coach?

Oops, was suppose to say above that I’m not a therapist or a life coach, just been in this situation recently and found the encouragement and support from a thread I started at the time, really helpful in getting back out there. Thought it might be good to have a dedicated space for others going through similar.

Hello, I feel a bit like i need to get my life back.
I just turned 50, peri menopausal, 2 kids both wonderful but high needs at the moment for different reasons - mental ill health and undiagnosed autism. 14 and 12 respectively. Youngest needs me all the time and struggles with me leaving for work or even an hour with a friend.
I have a middle management job and am good at it. But kids not been in school since Jan and need so much. So much juggling and trying to keep everyone afloat.
Husband has mental health issues of his own.
Boss is a narcissistic bully. Ex (kids' father) was one too (ta-daa!). Am just going back to work after 10 weeks off with anxiety.
I need to stop giving a fuck about this boss and do my contracted hours only each week. Am looking for another job but similar don't come around too often.
I have 2 good friends who are local enough to meet with once a month. They are up for that, it's me who can't find the time and energy. But I really want to do this.
I have probable fibromyalgia although I wont see a specialist for 2 years.
I have always worked hard, tried to be open and engage with and enjoy life. I am probably burnt out (NHS). I need to find a way to continue with work and mothering whilst also looking after me.
Feeling squished.
Any similar expereiences or solidarity would be welcome 🙏

@theansweris42 you definitely have solidarity from me! My DD14 is on a very part time timetable at school, severe autism and trauma-based anxiety, being her Rock can be exhausting. Recently had to do a suicide-safety-plan with CAMHS, it breaks my heart for her.
I think your plan about changing mindset re manager is a good one, and looking for different job.

Me - I booked myself on a learning-to-sail course for next year but know I need to lose weight first. Both seem rather daunting, but the sailing, well I’d feel amazing after I know. My self-confidence is so low nowadays which makes me sad as actually I’ve been really brave a number of times in life, and work really hard. Never been v good at making friends though so think loneliness doesn’t help.
I bought the first thing off my list of items to take on the sailing course today, it’s now real!

Oh yes Atalanta1 focus on the sailing and preparing and looking forward to it.
I am at LEAST 3 stone too heavy, have been up and down always but am waaaay the heaviest ever. I know why. I just don't have the will anymore.
Yes being the Rock is sooo difficult. My 2 are traumatised by their abusive father and have recently voiced that they don't want to see him. Absolutely awful doing self harm and suicidal ideation talks with them.
Make a list of those brave things you have done maybe. I did this and it was eye opening, I'd minimised my own achievements / drive as well as minimising things that hurt or the actions of uncaring people. I'll refresh mine. I might post it!

I need a life overhaul too.

I'm needing to lose weight. I have joined a gym but my eating needs sorting (disordered but I keep trying still waiting for help over 2 years)

I have actually got rid of quite a few friends over the last couple of years too. Friends who were just no good for me anymore. Weren't making me happy and treating me like rubbish. I still have some friends but I definitely feel lonelier in some ways. So I've been trying to nake sure I see my friends a bit more.

There are other things I need to work on too so will be watching to see what others do and maybe for some tips.

Make*

Great idea for a thread OP and glad you’re in such a great place now. I definitely want more fun and community-building from life than my own health issues, being mum to an anxious autistic preteen, career nosedive, elderly parents to support and the pressures on my marriage from all of the above, are allowing me to have at the moment.

I do have a couple of friends I like but find it hard to see each other so it’s really just existing on WhatsApp. I’d like to be braver about calling them up and actually catching up. I’d love to use some upcoming life changes like a DC starting secondary and hopefully me being able to look for a new job over the next few months, to rebuild a bit socially and do some more things for myself.

My brave thing in the last few years, was that I learned to drive. I’m late 40s. That was way out of my anxiety comfort zone before, but at the weekend I was zipping down the motorway, because I suddenly needed to go somewhere. And it was OK. I couldn’t ever have imagined myself doing that, a few years ago.

My most urgent project needs to be to get past being so terrified of thinking about our family finances proactively. We need a written down budget because we’re completely stuck right now. My current job has shrunk right back given my health and the price of everything is so scary it’s making me feel more ill. Especially with colder weather just around the corner. DH is doing extra shifts wherever he can to keep us going but is getting exhausted. Once that’s properly looked at for better or worse I can talk to DH about what we need to do beyond the very short term. After that, we need to seriously declutter at home to make things feel calmer. I also want to find ways to minimise the impact of DC’s everyday extreme mess making if those even exist.

My other wish list if we can afford it includes working on my future health and energy levels by forcing myself to exercise, even if just doing some quick yoga at home. That usually feels impossible due to DC constant needs and no time, plus my fairly low self-esteem deprioritises it. Long term I’d love to learn to swim one day (will need adult beginner lessons) if that’s financially possible or achievable time-wise.

These are all things that I have struggled with for years. They won’t be quick or easy to do but I know I’ll need to begin on them before they grow much too big to work on.

One thing that’s changed recently for me is I’ve joined a ladies walking group. We are now branching out to trips to the theatre / meals. These are all ladies who live in the same town / surrounding towns and are looking to make new friends. One of the ladies just posted in the local community FB group to say are any ladies interested in a walking group if I set one up, and it went from there. My kids are growing up now, youngest 15 and so I’ve got much more time on my hands. I’m single and have a full time job but it’s been lovely to fill those summer evenings with walking and finding new places in our beautiful countryside. I’m looking to do more of this kind of thing and widen my social circle so I’ve got a full and busy life

I'm in!

Will catch up properly but also feeling squished! Just deregistered DC from school too as not coping (ASD), been ghosted by a close friend, turned down a promotion because life is too much (all DC have SEN), marriage issues I don't even want to explore. I have made time for exercise and it's a game changer.

@Zanatdy the walking group sounds wonderful.

im definitely feeling like I need to be braver and do more. And I have taken steps. Got a new job which while it’s not the best paid, is very much a part of the local community and I love being part of the hustle and bustle of the town.

Ive started working with a PT and I love how I’m getting stronger and fitter. For clarity I’m late 40s and a good few stone overweight.

Also guilty of letting friendships slide. My closest friend is also really busy, aren’t we all, but this week I realised that if I didn’t take action I wouldn’t see her for about a month. So I reached out and she’s coming over for a cuppa tomorrow night after work. It’s just a simple thing but I really felt I ought to make more effort to keep us connected.

Love this. I'm a single mum currently going through perimenopause (I think). Struggling to see a positive future ahead, especially when kids leave home. Slowly starting to phase out friends that make no effort or who are selfish and would really love to start just being me again, and enjoying my own company.

Thanks for the thread OP

I am needing to start over. I lost friends in lockdown, and a couple of weeks ago had a breakdown over care of my mum.

I have a boyfriend half my age - I know - who is bringing a lot of help but I'm very conscious I have to rebuild my life. I'm supposed to be recovering but the last couple of days I can't shake the feeling that I don't have a concrete life any more.

I know I need to get back into exercise for my mental state and possibly join some stuff. I know I need to recover from the breakdown but I should at least start planning some things.

I'm on "holiday". DH Dad died, small inheritance, spent some to bring the lads to the US (DH choice). But the boys aren't really functioning and so it's not going very well.

Lesson learned. We usually do a week in the UK for a reason. I'm not moaning about that as we are lucky to have got DS1 here at all and of course to have the opportunity.

(Long winded) point is, I've just woken to these posts 😊and it's a comfort to read that it isn't just me. Of course I hope we all can feel better.

Life feels so tricky. My mum is late 70s but mobility not great due to arthritis and weight. She's like a warning of future me health issues if I don't make changes. She's also been depressed her while life, improving somewhat when she went on antidepressants in her 50s and a bit more when I pushed for her to be reviewed by a psychiatrist about 10 years ago and they added more. Her mother was the same but anorexic rather then an overeater and died in her 50s of it.

I have been and am determined to break this generational trauma.

From our posts there are themes maybe

• Time in each day not spent caring for others (30mins?)
• Seperate to the above, time for Exercise (20 mins?)
• Address money issues (me too)
• Self esteem / psychological issues
• Getting support with others' needs (e.g. carers / diagnosis / educational)
• Home environment / clutter / decorating / DIY
• Relationship issues

Breaking it down to small steps might help? Or does it make it worse?

I dunno, I've done lists and goals and all the rest of it but at this time in my life I don’t seem to be able to translate it to action.
I suspect I have ADHD.

I would love to read how others have lifted themselves out of a slump.

Firstly hugs (only if you like those!) all round to all posters on this thread. I’m sorry so many of us are struggling under the weight of so much horrible crap at the moment and for a while.
Secondly thank you 42 I appreciate your list and looks like a great starting place to me.

PS You perhaps left out something important of your own which could come under Relationships? (but maybe we could also think about breaking that category into separate areas to help to identify different areas to address?) eg you mentioned bereavement. In in my experience that kind of soaks into everything you’re doing and thinking about for a while until eventually at some point things will change a bit and you do somehow live with it. but it can take active work to get there. I’m really sorry for your loss

similarly to those struggling with experiences of abuse and trauma and/or supporting others to recover from it. I am sending my best to you navigating recovery practically and emotionally.

I don’t know, it’s all relationships I guess, not sure what I’m trying to say really but it feels like some approaches to dealing with the impacts of some relationships, might need to be thought about specifically? I might be thinking about this unhelpfully. I overwhelm myself with over complicating my own lists..

Thank you for starting this thread, I had been considering something similar myself after reading a Thread about getting up to speed after a divorce.
I was involved with personal and self development years ago at a factory.
Your list of time allocation is a very good start for many people. Those who are at or near their wits end, near to sinking and those who are just a bit down and want to improve from OK to excellent. There is something for everyone.

• Time in each day not spent caring for others (30mins?)
• Separate to the above, - time for Exercise (20 mins?)
• Address money issues (me too)
• Self esteem / psychological issues
• Getting support with others' needs (e.g. carers / diagnosis / educational)
• Home environment / clutter / decorating / DIY
• Relationship issues

In my humble opinion, Self Esteem is a thread which should run through our lives at all times. Ambitions however small need a plan and usually a timetable to succeed. Without a plan it is merely wishful thinking. Good luck to us all.

I need to sort my life out.

I don't want to go out anywhere or do anything. I feel overwhelmingly exhausted all the time, even just lifting the kettle is effort. I fell out with my closest friend a couple of months ago but all I feel is relief. I can't be bothered to speak to anyone. I'm not interested in a relationship or making new friends - I can barely manage to speak to or meet up with the few I have. My brain is mush and I frequently find myself writing the wrong words or using the wrong spellings. I've got some sort of problem with my wrist which is stopping me from doing my usual strength exercises and it's pissing me off every time I try to do something with my left hand.

I don't feel particularly sad so I don't think it's depression, and already take antidepressants anyway. I'm just really, really tired. I don't know if there's something physically wrong or if it's all the stress I've been under (and am still under) for the last couple of years. Or a combination of both. I had blood tests a few months ago and everything seemed ok.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

42, thanks for the list.

I need to start with exercise and home sorting.

Great thread!

Im in the process of getting a life too! Im taking steps this year to provide a good foundation to jump from, into next year, so laying the groundwork now but as soon as it’s done I plan on

-Getting a job

• making friends and working to maintain them
• Take up 2 new hobbies
• Pursue an interest
• Read more
• Join a gym
• Buy a car
• start saving
• look into pension/savings

Gosh, that sounds like a lot to be dealing with at once. I also have a 14yo (nearly 15) and 12 yo. 14yo is diagnosed ASD but I strongly suspect we all are. XH also a narc. Things have been very difficult for years, eldest was very violent for a time. I did a Therapeutic Parenting with PACE course last year and it changed everything. I came to understand I had ‘blocked care’. Understanding that, and developmental trauma, was so helpful in knowing how to improve things.

We’re now really close and have a lovely relationship. She also school refuses but she’s been approved for early college placement and seems excited at least. I’ve long since learned not to count my chickens though! I’ve had to let go of a lot of expectations and make peace with our situation. I’ve realised that she will be ok, even if she takes a different path to most people. I do know how hard it is to navigate the system though.

Is there one or two things that stand out as a place to start? Something that will make a difference but can easily be achieved?

I’ve noticed a lot of parents with ND children feel more isolated. My DD was suicidal for a time (CAMHS were worse than useless and made things worse). I found it really hard to relate to parents with NT children, all the brilliant achievements etc. and for us it was something if we’d had a day without being battered. As I mentioned to 42, I did a Therapeutic Parenting with PACE course and it made all the difference. I really hope things improve for your DD and all of you soon.

The sailing course sounds incredible! And what a great thing to aim for. A big part of changing for me was to lose the weight I’d gained during illness and lockdown. I started last September so it’s taken me nearly a year to lose 3st but I feel so much better for it. I’ve always crash dieted and let it take over my life but this has been different, I’ve been more forgiving of myself, taking the meandering path (probably lost closer to 5st with all the gains 🙃) rather than trying to sprint and giving up quickly. I do slimming world classes and some of the other members have been so supportive and lovely. They’re all now trying to pair me off with eligible men they know but I’m very content being single! I was even nominated for woman of the year but lost out to a more deserving winner but it’s all done wonders for my confidence. It was a great place to start as well.