The getting a life thread

[LifeLoading]

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice

@EmmaEmerald I see you fell asleep after workout. Do you have probs sleeping at night?
Perhaps widen that out to others here. Any insomnia?

Oh I've had raging insomnia since I was a teen. I think the main thing is it gets harder to manage without sleep as you get older.

it's good news in a way, I had a decent night's sleep - still on Valium after breakdown but took half of it last night- and then fell asleep again today. Very lucky I wasn't working though.

hopefully this will have levelled things out a bit. I'm still tired but I think it's really important to get exercise back into my life.

@EmmaEmerald Thank you for replying to me. Sorry to hear you have similar worries, but I am pleased you have nice younger boyfriend!

I have been having a look at retirement villages. Not sure I would move there at just 55, but I certainly think I would aim to move in before getting to the stage were I might need help, or where moving on my own might be stressful. The places I have looked at don't seem to have restrictions on people staying over. They are expensive though, so building financial security is something I am working on.

Sending you my best wishes and a supportive virtual hug!

Strawberries friends up north told me some are lowering the age, because the appeal of a managed building and no children resident is quite broad but not necessarily on specific ages.

I'm aware that some of them effectively imprisoned residents in lockdown so that puts me off.

i know someone who got divorced in her 60s, a really messy type where friends took the other side, and she said a retirement village saved her from having no social life.

I used to dream of a house and garden but increasingly think it's not a great idea and now people use their gardens as areas to constantly make a racket, the idea of a staffed building with a gym etc is very apealing.

if I've learned one thing since acquiring a boyfriend half my age, it's you never know what's going to happen! But I'll be amazed if he sticks around. Not a reflection on him, just why would he want to?!

Straweberries also thank you for the hug, much appreciated

I had my last dc at 40 so they'll be 15 when I'm 55! I can't imagine being somewhere like a retirement village at that age.
Maybe at 70....

@EmmaEmerald That's interesting. I know what you mean - I think I would quite happily move in somewhere like that now if there were younger people around! I find estates and 'family' type areas quite triggering as it reminds me of the family structure my life is lacking.

Aww I hope your boyfriend does stick around! Don't be so hard on yourself - other people have relationships with ages large differences and there is no reason why that can't work for you. I am sure you have a lot to offer him.

UnfunnyJester I suppose it depends what the people are like. I've got a 30 something acquaintance dating a music biz guy in his 50s, my dad was bursting with energy in his 50s, my best friend is the same. So the stereotype you see on here about 50 somethings doesn't apply to many. If they were my neighbours in the retirement village, great. In fact my 50 something friend is friends with a fab woman in her 70s who is more like my mum was in her 70s - absolutely vibrant.

Strawberries I've been on the phone with boyfriend all evening, he's been talking about how much happier he is since we've been dating and I find it hard to get my head around because with all the mum stress, and moving stress, lockdown issues that I still battle with, this feels like me at my worst!

So hopefully when I get back to my best I'll have a more realistic view. We met IRL so he's always had a realistic view. I did get asked out over the years, but was a committed singleton so it's a lot to get my head round I guess.

I’ve had a bit of a bad 24 hours after I was reminded that ex and exBF are still together. I don’t think about them much anymore unless I get a reminder. And then I had to block a tradesman that had quoted for some work after he got aggressive when I said I’d gone with someone else for the job. Worst thing is knowing he only spoke to me like that because I’m a woman.

On a positive note, I’ve had a really productive couple of days, few tip and charity shop runs and sorting through things. I've also been invited out Saturday evening and to watch the football Sunday so it’s nice to have something to look forward to.

Will catch up with the thread now.

oh nice! I’ve bought a couple of local history books which I keep meaning to read. The house is keeping me too busy at the moment but I would like to read more.

Oh I hate it when they get all aggressive over that! Grr.

Rubbish day here - ups and downs of breakdown I guess.

You must be exhausted after 60 hours! I’ve similarly found that exercise and fitness is a great way to get over heartbreak.

Please don’t be embarrassed that you haven’t learnt how to drive. It’s completely understandable given your experience. I’m still a bit nervous driving on motorways on my own even though I’ve been driving 20+ years. Have you found an understanding instructor? I was taught by a woman and she was brilliant. It is worth it though for the sense of freedom.

Welcome to the thread @anicewarmbath. I’m so sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis and that DH is not stepping up in the circumstances. That sounds incredibly tough. I think it’s admirable that you’re using this situation to take stock and begin demanding more for yourself.

I had my last counselling session this week and I realised that I’m glad my friends shit on me in a way. I’m still a little upset and angry with them for treating me so badly but if it hadn’t happened, my life would still be revolving round them and I realise now that they were never good friends to me. I guess growth is always painful but hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re going through it.

I really hope this is the start of better things for you.

Don’t worry at all. I’m not usually either but as I started the thread…

Sounds like a really nice weekend (which part of Scotland? My fathers side are from Glasgow) and yay to some child free time. I agree about the weather - you can really sense the change in mood on a nice day!

Welcome to the thread @Strawberriesandpears. I think it’s really great that you’ve already identified what you want. It’s never too late and my experience is that there are a lot of women like us who feel the same. I’ve usually allowed relationships to take over from hobbies and friendships so I’m enjoying being single for now. Your new relationship sounds promising! How did you meet? What sort of music are you into and do you play an instrument at all?

About retirement villages, I only discovered they exist recently but it was in the context of selling the apartments after death. Apparently, it’s almost impossible and they lose a lot of their value if you can sell them at all. I like the idea of them though and may look into myself when the time comes.

I’ve always been a night owl and would happily stay up all night and sleep all day. I find I have to be dog tired before I can sleep properly and I’m easily kept up by swirling thoughts. I was recently recommended Insight Timer app which has a few things on but I use it for the sleep mediation which 9/10 works really well to get me to sleep when I’m struggling. I do think sleep Mayes a huge difference to well-being though so I should probably try get more of it.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rubbish day too. I’m trying to practice more self compassion and accepting the bad days when they happen.

@LifeLoading Thank you very much for the welcome. I met my boyfriend online, and I do play an instrument - the ukulele! 😊

Hello again
I am back from holiday which was no holiday.
Good to see plans and ideas as well as people taking action.
chouette that's great your DC helped to declutter. I hope you got rid of lots of unnecessary stuff.
We are all floored by jet lag . I've travelled extensively and never felt so bad. Maybe due to fibromyalgia.
School in a couple of weeks. Back to daily reporting that they are off sick, meetings and emails etc.
I am also having to return to work next week. I'm not well but have to pay the bills.
Looking for positives, since we got home I've washed and put away all the washing, walked the dogs, looked after and spent time with each boy, each is so needy; and done some life admin/calls. I repaired a ripped duvet cover, secured 2 rugs with rug tape and cleaned the bathroom.
I planned a rolling 2 week menu with autistic DS and got food in.
I always feel I've not done anything / enough. But this list shows that's not true.
I will exercise today even if only for 10 minutes.
Keep on keeping on

42 ooh jet lag finishes me off, you've done a lot.

I'm not sure if I'll be on this thread. The breakdown hit me harder than I realised and I will be trying new meds which may or may not be complicated! So I'm in for a period of just being able to keep on top of basics really.

emmaemerald look after yourself, I'm sorry your mental health is so significantly affected.

Hope the new meds work for you. It trial and error isn't it unfortunately?
How little we know about it.

I've said similar, health comes first and posting here will only be possible sometimes. I want to post though because it's a little bit of accountability - if I say I'll do a small thing, it'll be nice to come back say I've completed it.

You could always just read it. Have a restful afternoon

42 thank you 🤗

I’m not posting much for health reasons but wishing everyone well and I appreciate this caring and practical thread a lot. All the best with your health issues theanswer. If you can keep on top of the basics that will be a fantastic achievement Emma best of luck, we are all rooting for each other here.

Wow theanswer just saw your longer post above, you’re a machine! That’s an incredible amount of stuff done! Brilliant.
I haven’t had the energy to get the DC decluttered stuff out of the house yet but it will happen. I haven’t gone through it and derailed any of it yet, so far, which is a win as well. There was a great what not to do episode on that podcast by That Hoarder which I listened to just in time. it’s called 14 things to never ever do.

I began a quick sort through my own stuff which needs doing and have made a small pile but have had to put it on one side due to this flare up. I’m determined to carry on though. I haven’t yet even touched any of the hard categories of my own stuff. For me that is letters and photos and little reminders of fun times stuff. Plus things from deceased relatives and friends that I feel I must keep but would never have chosen for myself. DCs drawings etc. Its weighing down daily life and I want more breathing space vs keeping things that hold a lot of emotional memories and power over me that I struggle with. It’s good to have made a tiny bit of progress with it though.