The getting a life thread

[LifeLoading]

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice

Oh lifeloading that drawing is gorgeous.
I just draw nonsense from my imagination 😬

I haven't looked after my health for years. I saw a physio who gave me exercises to do about 8 months ago for an injury and I haven't done them once. I've cooked hundreds of family djnners, gone to work early day, washed and ironed for weeks on end but can't find time to do 15 mins of stretches that could reduce pain. What the hell is wrong with me??

My kids are tiny. My husband is useless and selfish. My house is horrendous. I need something to change! Every new month or week I think ill finally make some changes and yet just same old same old

Hi! I need this thread too! 42 and fed up. At least 2 stone overweight and I do everything for everyone in my family. Feel totally overwhelmed at the moment, no confidence and panicked about how fast time is passing. Realised its 20 years this week since I graduated and I can't help but feel I've achieved very little wjth my life. I'm struggling big time.
Need to get fitter, declutter and find a purpose beyond my family. It doesn't help that my husband just loves to criticise absolutely everything I do.

Op that drawing is amazing! Really good.

It's sad how many here have rubbish partners. My dh isn't the best either but he's not terrible. Luckily I'm a take no shit person and I just get on with things.
But this is what takes all my energy. I put a lot of effort into my dc, I work and with chores, there's all my energy gone.

Writing a daily list really helps. It takes it out of your head and onto paper. Then the paper is the manager, and not yourself.
Maybe writing the list here helps? Accountability.
Finding audiobooks or podcasts to listen to while getting on with stuff is great.
I found Rul Galaxy on YouTube which has some good audiobooks to listen to in the background.
Im going to get up and think about my list with a coffee.

Can I join the thread pls? I haven’t read through all of it yet but some of your stories are so similar to mine.

I’m 49, separated from my STBXH. He chose to tell me about his 4-year affair 2 days after our youngest finished her last a-level exam last summer. So basically as soon as my usefulness had expired. He didn’t offer to end his affair or give me anything to work with. He didn’t and still doesn’t take accountability for it, blaming me, with excuses straight out of the cheaters playbook (unmet needs/been unhappy for a long time/wrong love languages/incompatible/blah blah blah). The only reason he confessed was because he wanted me to be the one to pull the plug on our marriage so he could be with his adultery partner.

Over the years, I’d asked him if we could go to counselling together but he point blank refused saying the problems were all mine to fix. Every time I asked for anything to change, I became the problem, so I minimised my needs to the point I never asked for anything.

He asked if I wanted to reconcile but I wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to show me twice that he didn’t want me, so upon his confession, I dropped everything, spent 6 weeks prepping the house and got it on the market because neither of us could afford to stay in the house with our assets divided. Meanwhile, he gallivanted around Europe for half the summer and complained he couldn’t find anything when he got back because I’d decluttered and packed stuff away for staging the house for photos/video.

We purchased a house for me 120 miles away (25mins from our daughters uni but other than her I didn’t know anyone here), he rented a place 10 miles from where we used to live and we’re now in the process of buying him a property in that location.

We haven’t started formally separating or divorcing yet but I’m anticipating some resistance because this will mean he no longer has any control over me. I’m still scared to stand my ground over anything with him so I’m waiting it out and doing my research in the meantime.

Unfortunately, I’ve lost some best friends through this process, one died and two showed me they weren’t actually my friends, but I’ve joined the WI here to make new friends, and I’m slowly building my tribe.

I hit the gym several times a week and walk my dog every day (he’s my little lifesaver) so I get out in nature and move my body regularly. Nutrition and purposeful movement, along with giving up alcohol and taking care of myself with monthly massages and reiki have saved my sanity and I’m reinventing myself and rebuilding my life one step at a time.

You’re very talented at drawing OP!

DidSomeoneSay that’s very inspiring and I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through but I hope you enjoy your new home and your DD her time at uni.

That’s a really good drawing @LifeLoading

Great thread @LifeLoading - thank you.

I too have similar feelings at this midlife stage. I'm 51, perimenopausal and really need to sort out my diet (weight loss), I need to start some form of exercise & I'm in the process of reviewing finances/pension. I'm feeling totally lost with work and I'm struggling to motivate myself.
I'm enjoying reading all of your comments 😊

Aw, thank you! That’s really kind.

The tone class is 45 minutes, then a 15 minute break and there’s two aerobics classes an hour each. What’s really good about it is that everyone is so supportive and friendly. The woman who set it up is really open about her own MH struggles and makes sure everyone feels included. I don’t know how she does so many classes and she never stops!

It’s not a thread without replies so thank you for posting too.

Thank you so much! My attempts since haven’t been so good but I know that I’ll get better with practice. I think it’s much harder to draw from imagination without any reference!

You have hit the nail on the head. I just think women are so fucking stoic. We have impossible demands placed on us and we sacrifice so much to make sure everyone else is ok, without appreciation or support and never quite feeling good enough. Now I’m entering middle age, I’m noticing it more and more. I feel an overwhelming sense of injustice at the way things are. Nothing is wrong with you. We’ve been conditioned and cajoled into accepting it. I’ll get off my soap box now 😆

I totally empathise. I think we’ve all been in a situation where so much needs addressing, you end up paralysed into inaction. Can we help you make a plan? How old are your DC and do you ever get time to yourself? How would H react if you asked him to have them so you could do your exercises? I found just the act of doing something for myself kickstarted motivation to do more.

If you’re on FB, there’s a page called Bridging the Gap Community and it’s all about helping women see the gender based inequality in their relationships with practical advice on addressing it. I love the ethos of the group but it’s pretty depressing to see how common it is for male partners to do practically nothing in the household and leaning the vast majority of childcare to mum. Unfortunately, success stories are rare. My XH was useless too, I’m infinitely happier parenting alone than having him in our lives (although he’s recently back, but this time I’m in the power seat - long story). I’m not going to tell you to LTB though, I know it’s not that simple.

Hey @slummymummy35, welcome to the thread. I was just saying to @5fishfingers that overwhelm can lead to apathy and inaction so I know that feeling well. I so relate to you saying how quickly time is passing. I just feel like I haven’t lived my life at all. The last few years have passed in a blur but now I’m filling my time with more of the things that are good for me and that I want to do, these last weeks have felt like months. I’m willing to bet you’ve achieved a lot but you’re seeing yourself through a capitalist lens where your value is tied to economic output when the truth is, we are intrinsically valuable just as we are (another gem from my confidence coach 😆). Having said that, I feel similar and have wondered if it’s time to actually use my degree. It does terrify me though!

I’m sorry H is such a shit. These idiots couldn’t carry a fraction of what we do daily and then have the audacity to criticise. It’s infuriating! I say build yourself back up despite him and to spite him! Do you have an idea of where you’d like to start? Can we help you make a plan so you can prioritise at least one thing on your list? You do so much for everyone, you deserve to feel cared for as well and you’re the best person to give yourself that care.

Thank you! That’s so kind.

It really is so sad. I put 12 of my best years into abusive XH. It took me so long and many attempts to leave him and then years of issues trying to coparent with him. I’m reminded of how amazing women are, quietly keeping the world turning. I wish we could see our strength and power, how different things might be.

It’s so difficult to find the time for ourselves, especially when we’re exhausted. Would DH be open to doing more to free up some time for you?

I’m a huge fan of a list. I use my notes app on my phone. But yes, it definitely gets it out of your head - that whole mental load thing.

Thanks for the podcast recommendation. I have a lot of decorating coming up so lots of time for podcasts!

welcome to the thread @Didsomeonesaydogs. I think I went through every emotion reading your post. I’m so sorry H did that to you. I’m also sorry about your friend dying and the others turned out not to be friends.

You come across as a very smart woman who despite being treated with utter contempt, has remained dignified, sensible and mature. You will see in time that he has done you a favour and the OW will be lumbered with her boobie prize.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the end of your post. I know an affair in particular can really knock your self esteem but you got up and got back out there anyway! Cheers to that! This is your time to take centre stage in your life (a gem from my counsellor).

Thank you both @SuperChouette and @Annaishere. That’s really kind of you to say!

Welcome to the thread @Whatliesbeneath707. It’s a great that you know what needs to change. Do you have a sense of what you could start with? Are you getting any support with perimenopause and weight loss? My GP referred me to a service where I was offered 3 months of slimming world for free. Perhaps there’s something similar in your area. Could you start with getting out for a short walk daily? I took up litter picking which I really enjoy and got me out of the house (I still do a pick weekly but I’ve less time now I’m doing other things). I found the key was getting started and motivation flowed from there.

Finally caught up with the thread. I was invited out last minute this evening and got back quite late. Regretting it a little as it’s DDs birthday this weekend and I have loads of painting and buying stuff to do before the builders are back next week, plus I’m going out again tomorrow. Thankfully I’m off work next week 😮‍💨

Hello everyone.
Thank you for starting this thread OP. Having read through the posts I feel less alone in feeling how I currently do.
I'm early 50's with DC about to fly the nest. I've lost all motivation, can feel my fitness, strength and flexibility slipping away. I know I need to improve diet but, you know, tomorrow....
I have no particular hobbies and sadly, don't really feel like I have many really good friends who I can just catch up with for a casual chat and a laugh.
I work from home which I do enjoy (after 15 years of daily commutes even through lockdown I was glad to get a WFH role last year).
DP is a good man but boy, do I feel like a nag asking him to, just once in a while, pick up a vacuum cleaner or clean a bathroom and lend a hand in keeping our house from turning into a dirty mess. He does it for the immediate 5 minutes after we've had yet another of those sort of conversations, and then forgotten/ignored/not even recognised that it needs doing.

I'm hoping that posting here will give me some accountability and I'll come back with some plans.

By the way, I loved the comment someone made earlier about an ambition (thank you to that person!) is just wishful thinking without a plan and a timeframe. That's resonated with me a lot with regarding a travel aspiration of mine and will give me something to think about.

Anyway enough of my early morning ramblings. I've been awake for a couple of hours but one positive is that it's given me the opportunity to jump on this thread.

Wishing everyone a positive Saturday 🌻

Love the squirrel! Do you find it relaxing to draw?

I'm going to park run today- a great gateway drug into exercise as you cam walk or run it, get some fresh air, see some people and finish it off with coffee and a cake! Recommend as a way to get moving and taking some time for yourself. And it's free.

Yes that squirrel drawing is amazing - so lifelike. How long did it take?

@LifeLoading thank you for the warm welcome, I look forward to interacting with all the other strong women on here and hope I can offer some value too.

Inspired to try drawing again

Boyfriend has been here since yesterday afternoon, so haven't done anything constructive. But will do another 30 mins workout tomorrow before meeting a friend for coffee. I find working out in the morning a bit odd as it makes me hungry but I know if I get distracted later - we tend to chat for ages - I won't do it.

I am dithering about swimming but it's such a faff with changing rooms etc. Last time I swam regularly, I was driving. I no longer can so it's bus with kit etc...even as I type this, I'm thinking, probably not a great idea?

Welcome to the thread @toomuchlikemyusername. I’m really glad you’ve already found the thread helpful. I partly started it because I’ve realised how many women are in the same boat and it’s not fair or right. I’m beginning to think this state of affairs is another side of living in a patriarchal society, we think nothing of neglecting ourselves because we think it’s our role to put everyone else first (talking in general terms of course). Calling women ‘nags’ is a way of making sure we don’t raise our voices when we sense unfairness, so don’t feel bad about expecting him to do his fair share. The FB group Bridging the Gap Community has some good suggestions.

Have you given some thought to where you’d like to start?

Your travel plans are intriguing! And it sounds like you’re formulating a plan for those which is fantastic!

Thank you so much! When it’s going how I want it to then it can be relaxing. When I can’t get it right, not so much 😆 I have a tendency to perfectionism which I'm learning is a symptom of low self confidence so part of it is letting myself be ‘bad’ at something.

Parkrun is a really good shout! I’ve not been to our local one but follow them on FB and they seems like a really lovely community of people.

Thanks so much - that’s so kind to say! It took about half an hour. I try to do half an hour in bed before I go to sleep but not done any for a few days so must get back on it this week.

You’re very welcome. Thanks for posting too