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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The getting a life thread

178 replies

LifeLoading · 07/08/2023 22:01

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:16

theansweris42 · 08/08/2023 00:21

Oh yes Atalanta1 focus on the sailing and preparing and looking forward to it.
I am at LEAST 3 stone too heavy, have been up and down always but am waaaay the heaviest ever. I know why. I just don't have the will anymore.
Yes being the Rock is sooo difficult. My 2 are traumatised by their abusive father and have recently voiced that they don't want to see him. Absolutely awful doing self harm and suicidal ideation talks with them.
Make a list of those brave things you have done maybe. I did this and it was eye opening, I'd minimised my own achievements / drive as well as minimising things that hurt or the actions of uncaring people. I'll refresh mine. I might post it!

I’m a fan of a list as well - something about seeing it in black and white and being able to tick it off. I’ve not really stopped to think where I’m going yet so I’m going to do this too. I would love to see your list.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:22

Namechange666 · 08/08/2023 03:54

I need a life overhaul too.

I'm needing to lose weight. I have joined a gym but my eating needs sorting (disordered but I keep trying still waiting for help over 2 years)

I have actually got rid of quite a few friends over the last couple of years too. Friends who were just no good for me anymore. Weren't making me happy and treating me like rubbish. I still have some friends but I definitely feel lonelier in some ways. So I've been trying to nake sure I see my friends a bit more.

There are other things I need to work on too so will be watching to see what others do and maybe for some tips.

Losing weight was a good place for me to start. I was referred to slimming world for free and found a lovely local group. Once I’d lost around 2st, I started a local exercise class. I’ve met some really lovely women through both these and it made me realise that lots of women are in the same boat and are looking for friendship. Do you have something like a better living service local to you? Perhaps your GP could refer you?

Well done for cutting out the crap friends! I know that takes a lot of courage. You’re just making space for nicer people to come into your life. I had to do the same recently and with hindsight, I can see they weren’t the great friends I thought they were.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:35

SuperChouette · 08/08/2023 06:53

Great idea for a thread OP and glad you’re in such a great place now. I definitely want more fun and community-building from life than my own health issues, being mum to an anxious autistic preteen, career nosedive, elderly parents to support and the pressures on my marriage from all of the above, are allowing me to have at the moment.

I do have a couple of friends I like but find it hard to see each other so it’s really just existing on WhatsApp. I’d like to be braver about calling them up and actually catching up. I’d love to use some upcoming life changes like a DC starting secondary and hopefully me being able to look for a new job over the next few months, to rebuild a bit socially and do some more things for myself.

My brave thing in the last few years, was that I learned to drive. I’m late 40s. That was way out of my anxiety comfort zone before, but at the weekend I was zipping down the motorway, because I suddenly needed to go somewhere. And it was OK. I couldn’t ever have imagined myself doing that, a few years ago.

Thank you! I still have lots of stuff to work on (career - I’ve come to the end in my current one, and project house needs to get back on track but i’m overwhelmed) but I’m not in the right headspace for those just yet.

I can relate so much when you say you want the feel braver in contacting them first. Until I had confidence coaching, I wouldn’t like to put myself out there at all and would wait for people to contact me. I always just assumed they wouldn’t want to hear from me. But, of course that was just my inner critic talking and actually, people do enjoy my company.

Very well done on the driving. I still hate motorway driving and I passed my test 20+ years ago 😬

I can imagine that facing the finances is quite daunting! If you’re anything like me, you’ll spend so much energy and stress avoiding it but it’s not that bad when you finally do it. I downloaded an app called Snoop. You have to link it to your bank accounts but then it will analyse your spending and make money saving suggestions and show you where your money goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:43

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 07:34

One thing that’s changed recently for me is I’ve joined a ladies walking group. We are now branching out to trips to the theatre / meals. These are all ladies who live in the same town / surrounding towns and are looking to make new friends. One of the ladies just posted in the local community FB group to say are any ladies interested in a walking group if I set one up, and it went from there. My kids are growing up now, youngest 15 and so I’ve got much more time on my hands. I’m single and have a full time job but it’s been lovely to fill those summer evenings with walking and finding new places in our beautiful countryside. I’m looking to do more of this kind of thing and widen my social circle so I’ve got a full and busy life

Fanstastic! This is very similar to me, I’ve met some really lovely and interesting women through exercise classes and a walking group. I plan to join some others soon to widen my circle further. I’ve found that most are in the same boat, wanting to make new friends too.

I’m also single and my DC are getting more independent. I have been parenting almost 25 years, most of them solo, so suddenly having more time and freedom to go and do things without having to organise a babysitter has been great. I just want to make up for lost time now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:48

ErnestCelendine · 08/08/2023 07:39

I'm in!

Will catch up properly but also feeling squished! Just deregistered DC from school too as not coping (ASD), been ghosted by a close friend, turned down a promotion because life is too much (all DC have SEN), marriage issues I don't even want to explore. I have made time for exercise and it's a game changer.

That’s a lot to be coping with at once. Hopefully deregistering from school will help. I stopped forcing my ASD DD from going to school after year 7 and she’s so much better now. I mentioned upthread that I also did a Therapeutic Parenting with PACE course which was a total game changer for our family.

I agree that exercise is a fantastic place to start. So many benefits but not least a good dose of endorphins to improve mood and help you feel proactive.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:53

CurlsandCurves · 08/08/2023 08:06

@Zanatdy the walking group sounds wonderful.

im definitely feeling like I need to be braver and do more. And I have taken steps. Got a new job which while it’s not the best paid, is very much a part of the local community and I love being part of the hustle and bustle of the town.

Ive started working with a PT and I love how I’m getting stronger and fitter. For clarity I’m late 40s and a good few stone overweight.

Also guilty of letting friendships slide. My closest friend is also really busy, aren’t we all, but this week I realised that if I didn’t take action I wouldn’t see her for about a month. So I reached out and she’s coming over for a cuppa tomorrow night after work. It’s just a simple thing but I really felt I ought to make more effort to keep us connected.

This is all so wonderful to read!

Congratulations on the new job! I also do a community based role which I mostly love but I think I’m gearing up to move on now. I run a community group as well so I will keep up with that regardless. I’ve made some lovely friends via that and it’s a great feeling knowing we’re improving our community plus the camaraderie.

It’s lovely to hear you’re investing time and effort in yourself via the PT. And good on you for being proactive around your friendships - I hope you have a lovely evening tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:57

anotherdisaster · 08/08/2023 10:08

Love this. I'm a single mum currently going through perimenopause (I think). Struggling to see a positive future ahead, especially when kids leave home. Slowly starting to phase out friends that make no effort or who are selfish and would really love to start just being me again, and enjoying my own company.

Oh, I remember that hopelessness well. I promise as soon as you start taking action to change things, that hope for the future will return. The kids getting older could be a real turning point once you have more time and freedom to follow your own passions. Well done for cutting out the crappy friends, that’s making space for better ones to come into your life. Have you thought about where you might start or what you could do to get you on the path to feeling like you again?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:59

EmmaEmerald · 08/08/2023 10:15

Thanks for the thread OP

I am needing to start over. I lost friends in lockdown, and a couple of weeks ago had a breakdown over care of my mum.

I have a boyfriend half my age - I know - who is bringing a lot of help but I'm very conscious I have to rebuild my life. I'm supposed to be recovering but the last couple of days I can't shake the feeling that I don't have a concrete life any more.

I know I need to get back into exercise for my mental state and possibly join some stuff. I know I need to recover from the breakdown but I should at least start planning some things.

I’m so sorry to hear about your breakdown @EmmaEmerald. How are you doing now?

Just deciding that you will make a charge can he really empowering. I think exercise is a brilliant place to start and made a huge difference to me on lots of levels. Have you had a look to see what’s available locally?

OP posts:
Annaishere · 08/08/2023 22:05

I haven’t worked since just before the pandemic due to health issues. I feel stuck and I want to find a way through them and get a life. I don’t want to just do what I did before. Customer service and warehouse jobs. I want a career I love.

Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 22:05

theansweris42 · 08/08/2023 15:55

I'm on "holiday". DH Dad died, small inheritance, spent some to bring the lads to the US (DH choice). But the boys aren't really functioning and so it's not going very well.

Lesson learned. We usually do a week in the UK for a reason. I'm not moaning about that as we are lucky to have got DS1 here at all and of course to have the opportunity.

(Long winded) point is, I've just woken to these posts 😊and it's a comfort to read that it isn't just me. Of course I hope we all can feel better.

Life feels so tricky. My mum is late 70s but mobility not great due to arthritis and weight. She's like a warning of future me health issues if I don't make changes. She's also been depressed her while life, improving somewhat when she went on antidepressants in her 50s and a bit more when I pushed for her to be reviewed by a psychiatrist about 10 years ago and they added more. Her mother was the same but anorexic rather then an overeater and died in her 50s of it.

I have been and am determined to break this generational trauma.

From our posts there are themes maybe

  • Time in each day not spent caring for others (30mins?)
  • Seperate to the above, time for Exercise (20 mins?)
  • Address money issues (me too)
  • Self esteem / psychological issues
  • Getting support with others' needs (e.g. carers / diagnosis / educational)
  • Home environment / clutter / decorating / DIY
  • Relationship issues

Breaking it down to small steps might help? Or does it make it worse?

I dunno, I've done lists and goals and all the rest of it but at this time in my life I don’t seem to be able to translate it to action.
I suspect I have ADHD.

I would love to read how others have lifted themselves out of a slump.

I’m so sorry the holiday isn’t working out. That must be so disappointing.

I love your list. I think it’s really helpful to break it down and set out some goals with smaller steps to achieve them.

After my recent experience, I would say pick something and go with it. Just being proactive really helped me to feel that I have my own back and can put myself first when I need to which really helped my self esteem when I was feeling rejected and unlovable.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 22:11

EmmaDial · 08/08/2023 18:46

Thank you for starting this thread, I had been considering something similar myself after reading a Thread about getting up to speed after a divorce.
I was involved with personal and self development years ago at a factory.
Your list of time allocation is a very good start for many people. Those who are at or near their wits end, near to sinking and those who are just a bit down and want to improve from OK to excellent. There is something for everyone.

  • Time in each day not spent caring for others (30mins?)
  • Separate to the above, - time for Exercise (20 mins?)
  • Address money issues (me too)
  • Self esteem / psychological issues
  • Getting support with others' needs (e.g. carers / diagnosis / educational)
  • Home environment / clutter / decorating / DIY
  • Relationship issues
In my humble opinion, Self Esteem is a thread which should run through our lives at all times. Ambitions however small need a plan and usually a timetable to succeed. Without a plan it is merely wishful thinking. Good luck to us all.

Great to have you here @EmmaDial. Great minds eh?

I absolutely agree with you that self esteem is the thread that holds it all together and I’m only just learning how important it is. When you feel good about yourself, you make time for yourself and pursue the things you want for yourself. And of course the inverse is true. Something that has really helped me following counselling is to speak to myself more kindly, as if I were my own friend. I was surprised at just how effective that was. I’m being my own friend first and foremost.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 22:17

user853972 · 08/08/2023 18:49

I need to sort my life out.

I don't want to go out anywhere or do anything. I feel overwhelmingly exhausted all the time, even just lifting the kettle is effort. I fell out with my closest friend a couple of months ago but all I feel is relief. I can't be bothered to speak to anyone. I'm not interested in a relationship or making new friends - I can barely manage to speak to or meet up with the few I have. My brain is mush and I frequently find myself writing the wrong words or using the wrong spellings. I've got some sort of problem with my wrist which is stopping me from doing my usual strength exercises and it's pissing me off every time I try to do something with my left hand.

I don't feel particularly sad so I don't think it's depression, and already take antidepressants anyway. I'm just really, really tired. I don't know if there's something physically wrong or if it's all the stress I've been under (and am still under) for the last couple of years. Or a combination of both. I had blood tests a few months ago and everything seemed ok.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

That sounds so tough @user853972. Have you had your thyroid checked? That would be my starting point. Actually ask them for the figures/results and look up normal ranges. I have Hashimotos and your symptoms are very similar to mine before I was diagnosed and treated.

How is your lifestyle? Do you get enough sleep? Are you very stressed? Perhaps some very small changes in the right direction would at least help get the ball rolling and help you to feel more proactive?

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 22:19

Whattodowithit88 · 08/08/2023 19:59

Great thread!

Im in the process of getting a life too! Im taking steps this year to provide a good foundation to jump from, into next year, so laying the groundwork now but as soon as it’s done I plan on

-Getting a job

  • making friends and working to maintain them
  • Take up 2 new hobbies
  • Pursue an interest
  • Read more
  • Join a gym
  • Buy a car
  • start saving
  • look into pension/savings

Brilliant @Whattodowithit88! I love that you have a really clear idea of what you need to do and you sound really determined.

In hindsight, I’ve been laying the groundwork for a couple of years but it’s all just coming together nicely now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 22:22

Annaishere · 08/08/2023 22:05

I haven’t worked since just before the pandemic due to health issues. I feel stuck and I want to find a way through them and get a life. I don’t want to just do what I did before. Customer service and warehouse jobs. I want a career I love.

Half the battle is knowing what you want so I think it’s fantastic that you’re so clear that you would like a new career. What sort of things are you thinking about?

I also need to start thinking about my next work move but I’m not quite in the right headspace yet. That’s a decision for the not too distant future.

OP posts:
Lyxldu · 08/08/2023 22:24

Great idea for a thread! Hi all!

Annaishere · 08/08/2023 22:30

Hi Lyx

@LifeLoading it needs to be something I can do at night because I have a strange kind of insomnia. I think I would like to work in a lab. There’s another thing that I wouldn’t admit to in real life, I’ve got a notebook and I write ideas and really short stories. Then throw them out lol. It probably won’t ever come to anything but I enjoy it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:20

anotherdisaster · 08/08/2023 10:08

Love this. I'm a single mum currently going through perimenopause (I think). Struggling to see a positive future ahead, especially when kids leave home. Slowly starting to phase out friends that make no effort or who are selfish and would really love to start just being me again, and enjoying my own company.

That sounds like a fantastic start!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:21

EmmaEmerald · 08/08/2023 10:15

Thanks for the thread OP

I am needing to start over. I lost friends in lockdown, and a couple of weeks ago had a breakdown over care of my mum.

I have a boyfriend half my age - I know - who is bringing a lot of help but I'm very conscious I have to rebuild my life. I'm supposed to be recovering but the last couple of days I can't shake the feeling that I don't have a concrete life any more.

I know I need to get back into exercise for my mental state and possibly join some stuff. I know I need to recover from the breakdown but I should at least start planning some things.

Re starting exercise is so good. I've just started doing a class where I am learning to lift weights for the first time and I'm finding it so good

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:21

theansweris42 · 08/08/2023 15:55

I'm on "holiday". DH Dad died, small inheritance, spent some to bring the lads to the US (DH choice). But the boys aren't really functioning and so it's not going very well.

Lesson learned. We usually do a week in the UK for a reason. I'm not moaning about that as we are lucky to have got DS1 here at all and of course to have the opportunity.

(Long winded) point is, I've just woken to these posts 😊and it's a comfort to read that it isn't just me. Of course I hope we all can feel better.

Life feels so tricky. My mum is late 70s but mobility not great due to arthritis and weight. She's like a warning of future me health issues if I don't make changes. She's also been depressed her while life, improving somewhat when she went on antidepressants in her 50s and a bit more when I pushed for her to be reviewed by a psychiatrist about 10 years ago and they added more. Her mother was the same but anorexic rather then an overeater and died in her 50s of it.

I have been and am determined to break this generational trauma.

From our posts there are themes maybe

  • Time in each day not spent caring for others (30mins?)
  • Seperate to the above, time for Exercise (20 mins?)
  • Address money issues (me too)
  • Self esteem / psychological issues
  • Getting support with others' needs (e.g. carers / diagnosis / educational)
  • Home environment / clutter / decorating / DIY
  • Relationship issues

Breaking it down to small steps might help? Or does it make it worse?

I dunno, I've done lists and goals and all the rest of it but at this time in my life I don’t seem to be able to translate it to action.
I suspect I have ADHD.

I would love to read how others have lifted themselves out of a slump.

I would add boundaries to your list

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:22

EmmaEmerald · 08/08/2023 18:50

42, thanks for the list.

I need to start with exercise and home sorting.

Walking is the best way to start, the a class

tysonb · 08/08/2023 23:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Atalanta1 · 08/08/2023 23:49

@LifeLoading thank you for your response. In some ways I feel my wee clan is strong, us all having differing issues means we are close, accepting and supportive as a family unit. CAMHS have really let my DD down sadly, but the adult community mental health team here are brilliant and I know, whilst she will never be able to live independently from me, she will be helped by them if I can just get her through the next couple of years safely.

Your weight loss is fantastic, well done I hope you feel a real sense of accomplishment! Was definitely motivational, thanks.

theansweris42 · 09/08/2023 00:03

Thank you unexpectedly you are spot on with boundaries.

I am reading and thinking its 7pm here though and so am with the family trying to do some holiday things. Will post when I can.
I also find it tricky to namecheck everyone but am here and fully invested.

My lovely DS1 with OCD and body image issues has got in the pool (tee shirt on) so thats a WIN.

theansweris42 · 09/08/2023 00:07

Thanks life it is a bit disappointing but not really surprising.
Yes, pick one item and do that is the right way.
I think I'll try to do the 20 mins exercise.
And see the friends. So 2.

trudynotmoody · 09/08/2023 07:09

What a lovely thread, thanks for starting this and hi everyone. I'm a single parent, dcs growing up so I have a bit more time on my hands, but have been isolated over the years and don't have many friends. I'm sociable and would love to meet new people, so I need to work on that. Going to look into starting a new hobby or exercise class in the autumn and am thinking about joining a walking group. I'd also like to make time just to do nice things for myself, and sort out my wardrobe so that I've got some nice outfits rather than just throwing on the same pair of jeans.