The getting a life thread

[LifeLoading]

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice

Oh, amazing! I just bought a cheap ‘all in one’ set to get me going.

Did you have a nice time with your friend? I find that with the exercise, it’s tricky planning around meals. That’s partly why the classes have been good as it’s at a set time so I work around it rather than the other way round.

I know what you mean about swimming. I keep toying with the idea of going wild swimming as I know a fair few people who do it and rave about it but it does scare me a little. I would start with something that’s fun and easy. I always think walking is a good place to start and there are often lots of organised groups to go with.

How has everyone’s weekends been? What would we like to achieve this coming week?

It’s been another busy weekend and today celebrating DDs birthday. I keep thinking the social opportunities will dry up at some point but somehow I keep end up with lots of plans! This is in stark contrast to just 3 months ago where I would basically see (ex)best friend at her house once a week or less and spend the rest of the week at home alone or with the DC.

This week I have the builders in and I’m off work so I hope to make a lot of progress on the house which has been overwhelming me for a long time.

I typed a whole reply and MN ate it

argh

must go to bed so will update tomorrow but thanks for the thread, it's nice to have a gentle progress thread!

I met two friends this weekend. Both for walks and coffee but separately. We also met up with friends and their kids and went to a national trust place. It was a really nice day.

This week will be a bit quiet. A level results on Thursday so I've booked a table at a local restaurant to (hopefully) celebrate or comfort. Let's hope I don't need to cancel it.

I'm doing no sugar and no wheat for the week, walks and some weight workouts.

I’m enjoying hearing what everyone is up to and hope you all feel well and positive this week. It’s feeling a bit of a daunting week for me.

Social things committed to each day which I need to do for the DC summer holidays to keep them socially connected or essential maintenance things for them like dentist. All of which cause them some anxiety which I need to manage as well as pleasure. I want the social contact of seeing people for me too because having had to deprioritise that, I can feel myself then becoming more socially avoidant. Hosting is involved with some of it for me which I will enjoy when it happens, because normally I love seeing other people, but I am stressing about the logistics of it all in the lead up and will need to recover afterwards. Anxiety sucks.

Very little physical and mental energy at the moment so I have to ration my time on everything to allow hours of physical rest. I realised I only have 3 weeks or so before term begins again which is making me feel stressed with so much more to do at home around mine and the DC life admin, my priority has to be sorting family finances.I’m having a flare of my health condition which means I can only go very slowly with everything. This thread helps as a touch point, thank you everyone.

What I also need is declutter time urgently while I can because term time can be so challenging with DC needs. However (and this is lovely) I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. I asked my lovely ND DC (who make a mess and walk off leaving chaos without even seeing it) to help with the declutter by doing their room.

DC amassed a huge pile of clothes and things to go out with no fuss, emotion or guilt. Firstly I was relieved because normally they have some PDA traits and I expected a battle because it was a task, but it was something they happily did. Counterintuitively to the mess making, they enjoy the idea of order so that motivated them. Secondly their emotional approach to stuff really inspired me.

I’m a bit hoardy due to childhood factors plus bereavements plus environmental guilt. Financial worries at the moment exacerbate guilt and anxiety at letting stuff go. Second breakthrough of weekend (that I hope might help someone else) is that I found a really interesting podcast this weekend- called ‘overcoming compulsive hoarding’ with That Hoarder.

I’ve been struggled to make one tiny pile of my own to go out. Yet I have held on to things for years that stress me out just by still being there but I feel I ‘can’t’ get rid of them. Insightful episodes with psychologists talking etc on that series have inspired me to try to separate what’s in my mind and what are physical objects. Just had some striking realisations there. Let’s see what action they might turn into.

@SuperChouette i can totally relate about struggling to let things go for all the same reasons. Growing up on the breadline, environmental guilt and also sunk costs fallacy. I need to Marie Kondo the sh!t out of my house.

What didn’t help is that I also ended up with 2/3 of our stuff when STBXH and I split, because his rental is smaller than my property, (although not by much). The kids were off at uni when I moved (DD is also ND) so while I got rid of as much stuff as I could before I moved, it wasn’t anywhere near enough.

On moving day, our removals guys even said how much they felt sorry for me. I was moving a big detached house and double-garage-worth of clobber into a 3-bed semi with a small shed, so it was like trying to fit the proverbial pint into a half pint pot!

We’ve done a few tip runs since moving here and have a pile of stuff to go on eBay but it’s slow going. I’m going to listen to that podcast you mentioned. Thanks for the recommendation.

I had a fairly standard weekend. I am a freelance content writer for websites so I worked for some of it while DD19 was at her little retail job, went to the gym and smashed an upper body workout, played cards round a friend’s house on Saturday evening, caught up on mowing the lawn and a few other chores and picked up DD’s boyfriend from the station last night as he’s staying for a few days.

It’ll be nice for her to have some company, the only downside of moving 100 miles away from where she went to school is she doesn’t know anyone here and all her uni friends have gone home for the summer. She’s been back visiting a few people but a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.

Wishing everyone a productive start to the week!

Often I forget what needs doing, I now have a library book that is overdue. I kept forgetting. I even forgot to put it on the list.

When being overwhelmed by stuff and life having a "To Do List" is the first step.
A list of things for that day say 5 or 6 only. and cross them out when done or write 1/2 if not completed. Say you phone someone and they can't answer and will 'get back to you' It reminds you that they are still needing chasing.

Hi @LifeLoading Thank you for your reply to my post.

Next steps for me - well, I've joined the Bridging the Gap group (pending membership so not yet had the opportunity to view any content ). I said yes to the opportunity to meet up with some former work colleagues next week which I'd perhaps have passed over in a CBA mood previously. I'm also planning to text a couple of friends I've not seen in a while to arrange a coffee and chat.

Travel plan wise - I'm going to seek out a couple of blogs/vlogs to follow and have also put a few 'travel novels' to the top of my reading list. Small steps but better than no steps!

Had a good day yesterday moving forward with DP on a joint garden project. Spent most of the day clearing some garden clutter and working towards creating an area that gives me the space I need to develop my recent interest in gardening.

Other than that I am checking out Craftsy and Domestika for some craft/hobby inspiration. Whilst I do want to be getting out and about a bit more, I also want a creative hobby/interest to pursue when I am at home to stop the otherwise endless doom scrolling!

Thank you for the time that you are dedicating to this thread - it really is very kind of you. Wishing you and all other posters on here a happy and positive start to the week.

I'm trying to increase my protein and reduce my carbs as that's what everyone says to do for good weight loss.
This morning I made a pancake out of chick pea flour, spices and veg. It was really nice.
I was thinking about the kind of food I eat and I realised that in order to be kind to my body and treat it well, I need to give it good food not sugary crap. Sugary crap isn't a treat for our bodies really, is it? It's the opposite!

I didn’t think I’d get any exercise in today but I did an easy half hour and then some stretching. V pleased.

@EmmaEmerald I hate when that happens! Yay for getting in some exercise too 💪 I went to my second trampoline class this evening even though I could easily have not bothered today. A woman I got chatting to last week made a point to come over and tell me she was so glad I came again which was really lovely!!

@UnfunnyJester, that sounds like a lovely weekend! Everything is crossed for Thursday and a nice celebratory meal for you all. I admire you being able to give up august. I think I’m actually addicted to chocolate and have been eating far too much of it lately. Will you be walking on your own or with company? Weight workouts sound fab too.

@SuperChouette, I agree - it’s really lovely to hear everyone making plans and doing things for themselves.

That all sounds so familiar as someone with anxiety also. It takes up so much headspace organising everyone and anticipating their needs. I hope it all goes really well and you can enjoy it too. I’m sorry to hear your health condition has flared up. Please do prioritise yourself and well-being more at the moment if you can.

This is totally rich coming from me but try not to think too far into the future with everything you have to do. It takes up so much headspace but doesn’t actually make things happen. I would get the list on paper and each day choose one to three things to tackle. I did a thought exercise with my confidence coach around my anxiety. She asked me to think of a time I caused a catastrophe or messed up badly and I honestly couldn’t think of a time because, she reminded me, I am very capable and (like most women), I make things happen and put the work in. Now I remind myself often of how capable I am so I don’t worry as much about everything I have to do.

Oh, that is fabulous of your DC to get stuck in with helping! It’s always a good feeling to purge the excess stuff and it sounds like you are making real progress with that. I’m also a hoarder (particularly relate to the environmental guilt - i have so much ‘useful’ crap that I’ve found litter picking and then bring home thinking I’ll rehome it or use it!) so I’m grateful for the podcast suggestion. I’ve had 9 bin bags of clothes and two huge boxes of stuff to go to the charity shop sat under my stairs for a year. I’ve been reluctant to take it because I feel like I could sell it and make some money but I hate the faff of selling and don’t have time anyway. I had to move it all into the hall because the builders are working where it was previously stored. So it’s nearly made it into my car. Definite progress 😆

@Didsomeonesaydogs, yes, me too! All my family are level 1 or 2 hoarders. My cellar is full of my late uncles stuff that my parents couldn’t get rid of let alone all my own stuff.

Your job sounds great! Do you enjoy it? It sounds like you’ve had a really productive weekend and it’s fab that you got in some socialising and exercise 💪 How lovely for DD that BF is visiting too.

@janicewithpictures, that’s excellent advice! If I don’t write a list, I think about it constantly. And yes to choosing just a few things at times of overwhelm. Confession time, I sometimes add jobs to my list that I’ve just done so I can feel good about ticking them off 😆 Never mind about the library book. We’ve all done it I’m sure - I know I have. What are you reading at the moment?

@toomuchlikemyusername, that’s amazing! It sounds to me like you’re making lots of small steps in lots of areas which combined, are huge leaps!

The garden project sounds brilliant. I really admire anyone who can garden as I kill everything although I do try and would love to get into it properly at some point. I’m having to prioritise the inside of the house before I can sort the garden out. I’ve never had a proper garden before and even though it’s a mess, I do enjoy sitting out in it so I’m looking forward to that. Will you be growing fruit and veg or flowers?

No problem at all. I just feel so good at the moment, I want everyone to feel it too.

Those pancakes sound lovely! I find trying new food and recipes really helps to keep it interesting and therefore, less like being deprived. I completely agree about looking after ourselves by giving our bodies good food. Although I’m not doing so well giving up the sugary crap, I’m eating a lot more fruit and veg and drinking more water which has just become habit now.

@LifeLoading Hi, the book I forgot was an LJ Ross, (delete) Now concentrating on history Dan Jones on Plantagenets, and Cobbett's Rural Rides.
You reading anything?
I mentioned forgetting the book not because it was important but because it annoyed me so at the time.

Great idea. Working a 60 hour week this week so I've not been in the gym 🤣

I joined the gym after an awful breakup and I'm loving it. I've always been into fitness but have big goals now with my weight lifting and mentally it's been great.

I want to learn how to drive.... so embarrassing that I don't at 31 lol but I was in a bad car crash so avoided learning but go in cars so time to grow up and learn🤣

Can I join? I relate to so many of the posts here. Child with special needs, currently unemployed husband. Feel like I have been carrying everything for 7 years, and have just been diagnosed with (thankfully very treatable) cancer. Husband not being great to be honest, has a very good ability to make everything all about him which makes me guilty and like I want to step in and fix things when I really have nothing to give.

I feel like I’ve just trudged on and haven’t actually processed anything for so long and now my body is finally screaming at me to take stock. Anyone feel the same?

anyway I want to start building more of a life for myself with the hope of building up a bit more self esteem and courage to change things. I exercise a lot already which I highly highly recommend.

i keep having dreams where I’m ten years younger and hadn’t make DH, then wake up and realise everything has gone to absolute shit. I don’t think I would have believed this would be my life back then to be honest…

anyway I hope onwards and upwards

Sorry I'm not great at keeping up with everyone's posts on this thread. My weekend was lovely as I was up visiting family in Scotland. Kids with their dad for a couple of days and usually I feel a bit lonely but I'm enjoying the peace. This week i'm focused on work, doing my mindfulness sessions and 3 workouts! I wish the weather was better though, the rain does not help my mood.

@Atalanta1 The sailing idea is great. I used to sail, met some lovely people. Are you starting in yacht or dinghy? RYA registered Centre?

@anicewarmbath wow thinking of you bath 🛁

Making new friends is definitely something I need to focus on. I'm 36 and I feel really scared for my future at the moment. I am an only child, which no children of my own and very little extended family. I am terrified that one day I will be all alone in the world (I do at least have a boyfriend though - and whilst the relationship is quite new, I do think he is 'the one' so that is a positive).

I think I need to start making more of the hobbies and passions I had when I was younger - especially music and art.

Strawberriesamdpears I'm worried about that too. I'm 47 and lost many friends during lockdown.

ironically, I always thought I'd live in an over 55s flat when the time came but if my new young boyfriend decides to stick around, I imagine he's spoiled that option 😂

my friends are often horrified by the idea of over 55s places. I don't know what the reality is tbh but they immediately strike me as being childfree and staffed, hence the appeal. But my parents looked at them and ISTR there were a lot of restrictions on people staying over - perhaps that's just the place they looked at?

after my productive day followed by workout, I have fallen asleep twice today (still recovering from a breakdown though).