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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The getting a life thread

178 replies

LifeLoading · 07/08/2023 22:01

I see so many posts from women who are dissatisfied with their lives, from having no time to focus on their own interests, having no, few or bad friends, losing touch with who they are outside their roles at work and home and experiencing low self esteem.

I’m starting this thread for anyone who wants to make a change so we can support and encourage each other to take steps to creating fuller lives for ourselves - I.E. getting a life. It’s not easy to do these things when we’re already feeling low and unsure of ourselves, but we’ll be here, handholding and supporting. A bit like the dating thread, with —hopefully— fewer dick pics and more happy ever afters!

This is your call to action - you deserve a life you’re happy with so if you’re not there at the moment, share your woes and if you are, share your best advice Flowers

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 09/08/2023 09:50

LifeLoading · 08/08/2023 21:57

Oh, I remember that hopelessness well. I promise as soon as you start taking action to change things, that hope for the future will return. The kids getting older could be a real turning point once you have more time and freedom to follow your own passions. Well done for cutting out the crappy friends, that’s making space for better ones to come into your life. Have you thought about where you might start or what you could do to get you on the path to feeling like you again?

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. My immediate starting point is definitely sorting out these perimenopause symptoms. I think I will then look at using talking therapy/CBT to try to change the way I think.

EmmaEmerald · 09/08/2023 12:33

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 23:22

Walking is the best way to start, the a class

I don't drive so I walk a lot but need to start doing weights and stretching again, I think.

this afternoon I will do a 30 min session that combines both. It will be about 5 or 6 o'clock. I'll report back here! Thanks everyone.

EmmaEmerald · 09/08/2023 19:51

I have done my 30 mins exercise and feel much better for it.

LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 20:49

Hi @Lyxldu 👋 Welcome to the thread.

@Annaishere, that sounds like a great career to pursue! Do you know what you need to do to get started? When I was looking for career advice, a few people told me to approach sector specific recruiters which I’m planning on doing at some point.

I LOVE that you write. Noooo, don’t throw them out! If you ever feel like sharing them here, I’d love to read them. I used to really enjoy art at school but haven’t done anything since leaving. I decided a couple of weeks ago to make time to pick it back up and bought myself a cheap set. My plan is to just do a little bit each day for fun and to improve and so far I’m really enjoying it. I think it’s so important to have a creative outlet.

OP posts:
LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 20:54

@Atalanta1, I’m sorry to hear that CAMHS have also let you all down. I’m yet to meet anyone who feels they helped. I’m glad you have a close family.

@theansweris42, a definite win! How did your evening with your friend go?

OP posts:
LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 20:59

trudynotmoody · 09/08/2023 07:09

What a lovely thread, thanks for starting this and hi everyone. I'm a single parent, dcs growing up so I have a bit more time on my hands, but have been isolated over the years and don't have many friends. I'm sociable and would love to meet new people, so I need to work on that. Going to look into starting a new hobby or exercise class in the autumn and am thinking about joining a walking group. I'd also like to make time just to do nice things for myself, and sort out my wardrobe so that I've got some nice outfits rather than just throwing on the same pair of jeans.

Hi @trudynotmoody, welcome to the thread. Your situation is very relatable.

It’s great that you have a plan. Doing nice things for yourself is definitely a good place to start. I’ve only just started to realise how important self care is to self esteem. What sort of things are you thinking? I stupidly took all my nice clothes to the charity shop thinking I’d never be able to wear them again and wouldn’t have the opportunity anyway. I don’t really enjoy shopping but I’ve picked up a few going out things over the last few months.

OP posts:
LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 21:03

anotherdisaster · 09/08/2023 09:50

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. My immediate starting point is definitely sorting out these perimenopause symptoms. I think I will then look at using talking therapy/CBT to try to change the way I think.

Good idea. Are you going to speak to your GP? Ive not had CBT before but am just finishing up a short course of counselling which has really helped me. Although expensive, the confidence coaching has been really helpful to improve my confidence. I wasn’t really expecting much but it’s massively helped to challenge the negative thoughts I have about myself.

OP posts:
LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 21:06

EmmaEmerald · 09/08/2023 19:51

I have done my 30 mins exercise and feel much better for it.

Amazing! Getting started is the hardest part so good for you for getting going!

I wasn’t really feeling it tonight but forced myself to two exercise classes. I feel good but gross - off now for a shower.

OP posts:
allthebeautifulflowers · 09/08/2023 21:09

@user853972 I don't think this has been mentioned so far, but you sounds very much like I felt when perimenopause began. Reading Mumsnet helped me figure it out because I had no idea. Worth looking into?

anotherdisaster · 09/08/2023 21:38

LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 21:03

Good idea. Are you going to speak to your GP? Ive not had CBT before but am just finishing up a short course of counselling which has really helped me. Although expensive, the confidence coaching has been really helpful to improve my confidence. I wasn’t really expecting much but it’s massively helped to challenge the negative thoughts I have about myself.

I have a GP appointment soon to discuss my symptoms and possible HRT. I'm lucky enough to have access to therapy/CBT via my private health so I can arrange this for myself at any point. I'm going to speak to the GP first and then take things from there. I'm so glad your counselling has helped. There is something so therapeutic about talking to someone who doesnt know you!

EmmaEmerald · 09/08/2023 21:48

LifeLoading · 09/08/2023 21:06

Amazing! Getting started is the hardest part so good for you for getting going!

I wasn’t really feeling it tonight but forced myself to two exercise classes. I feel good but gross - off now for a shower.

Two classes?

okay, my target is now to be like you! In about 6 months maybe, lol.

UnfunnyJester · 09/08/2023 22:02

I like this thread.
I've got a lot to sort. I'll come back to this tomorrow.

Annaishere · 09/08/2023 22:41

@LifeLoading I would need a chemistry/ applied sciences HND. I’ve got a first level certificate but I was doing the diploma year when Covid hit and everything just went crazy and I failed it all. I’m not sure if I’m really capable of it either way because it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I’m considering giving it another shot this year. I just need to sort myself out first and I hope I can do it somehow.

I’m with you about needing a creative outlet, it can make such a difference to your mood and motivation. Thanks for offering to read. I’m shy about it but will keep it in mind. I’d love to see your art as well if you ever wanted to share with anyone

EmmaEmerald · 10/08/2023 12:11

Annaishere I used to write a lot, it's a good hobby.

I have sorted out lots of stuff this morning.

JamDodger · 10/08/2023 12:15

These threads come up frequently and usually fizzle out. I love this one, it’s so gentle and supportive. Thank you, I’ve found the posts to be helpful.

SuperChouette · 10/08/2023 15:20

Agree. I have been out of the house once a day since the thread began (not easy to do with DC needs)

SuperChouette · 10/08/2023 15:26

Also tackled a big bill I was terrified about. There are a lot more to go but I was losing sleep over that specific one.

I feel like it would be just as OK to post on here on the days that I haven’t managed to do anything I need to do. For me that’s essential to making the thread work, so I’m hoping that everyone else feels the same too. Good luck everyone with all of the things you need to do Flowers

SuperChouette · 10/08/2023 15:29

Thank you for your kind words and for the Snoop tip, LifeLoading

Trappedwitheviledna · 10/08/2023 15:44

What a lovely thread🙂. I’m too tired to write properly right now but I went to an Ashtanga class on Monday. I’ve realised that without my dogs I feel invisible. I had a one minute chat with an older man and then ran away!

I also went to investigate a Forest school that have a therapy group for adults. I was too scared to go on Monday so I thought I’d just familiarise myself with the area ready for next week.

Backstreets · 10/08/2023 15:46

So far my efforts have made me a bunch of new acquaintances I don’t like that much and a calendar full of stuff I don’t want to do 😂
But onwards and upwards, and I think for more interest rather than proximity based activities.

theansweris42 · 10/08/2023 16:23

Hello all.

chouette that's great you tackled a bill. Finance issues can really lead to preoccupation.

trapped an ashtanga class is ace! I would love to restart actual classes. At the moment though I can't get myself to do 10 minutes at home. I hope you make it to the forest school session.

I agree it's a nice thread bcos gentle. I defo need self care and therapeutic input. Have forced myself to keep going and do everything for work, family etc etc my whole life. Bllx to it.

Also lifeloading you're right, a creative outlet makes a big big difference. I like to draw and to sing, just by myself, dopamine...Smile

I referred myself to NHS services about 6 months ago, have had a couple of assessment calls so hoping it'll move on soon to some treatment.

streets your post made me smile. Unintended consequences Smile

I won't keep mentioning it but to remind, for me namechecking is hard - I'll be reading and cheering everyone on.

I'll be travelling home from our tricky holiday so more in a couple of days.

Peace X

UnfunnyJester · 10/08/2023 16:37

I think I'd like to find a local Pilates class.
I've neglected my physical self and this would be something for me where I can take time out.

EmmaEmerald · 10/08/2023 17:15

Unfunny Pilates is on my list of possibles

Backstreets that's interesting. I will be going for proximity as I don't want to trek about to meet new people.

After a very productive morning sorting out delayed house tasks,
I spent about 2 hours just strolling in the sunshine, but it made me realise that though I walk for errands, I'm not often moving for two hours straight. Something to think about.

LifeLoading · 10/08/2023 23:19

@anotherdisaster I really hope they get to the bottom of things and your symptoms improve soon. Absolutely! I think that’s why I love MN so much.

@EmmaEmerald, it’s a tone class then an aerobic class. There are some women who are much older than me and do 3 classes in a row! I’ve usually had enough about half way through the second. I’ve only been going about 2 months so I’ve surprised myself how quickly my fitness has improved. I think the fact that it’s really fun means I’m always motivated to go. Brilliant that you’ve got lots sorted today, I always feel really accomplished after a productive day! The other lovely thing about walking is that you can get out into nature which is so good for the soul. I’m planning on going regularly to an organised walking group. I’ve been once and the company was lovely, I got to explore a place I’d never been before and I walked much further than I would have alone so lots of wins.

Welcome to the thread @UnfunnyJester. We’re here if you still want to get anything off your chest. Something like Pilates where you’re taking care of your body is a fantastic place to start! Taking up exercise was a real turning point for me so I’d definitely recommend starting there.

@Annaishere, congratulations on the certificate! That shows you are capable, it’s just the self doubt talking. I’ve come to learn that self-doubt can be a protective mechanism, to keep us safe in our familiar box. My confidence coach talks about telling your ‘protector’ thanks for trying to keep me safe but I’ve got this now. I’m possibly not explaining well but it makes a lot of sense when she says it. I’ve shared my first pic here because I’m practising at not needing to be perfect before I put myself out there.

Welcome to the thread @JamDodger. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. I found it so helpful on my thread to have people encouraging me. I was taking tiny, imperceptible (to everyone else) steps but to me they were huge achievements given I was feeling so low, rejected and unlovable. That encouragement kept me going at the time. I just can’t bare the fact that we women make ourselves so small while putting everyone else first. We need to realise that we deserve better and it’s within our power to make it happen.

@SuperChouette, oh that is just fabulous! Hopefully you can sleep a little easier now knowing you’ve got this! It’s absolutely ok to just post when you need/want to. I’m going to keep checking in every day if I can.

@Trappedwitheviledna, that sounds brilliant! A one minute conversation, finding the group and familiarising yourself with the venue are all steps in the right direction and you’re now much further forward as a result. I might have gone a bit too the other way - ended up striking up a conversation with the delivery guy today, 20 minutes later I realised I was late for my litter pick and had to cut him short and send him on his way 😳

Oh no @Backstreets. It’s a shame you haven’t enjoyed them but still, you’ve tried them and can now eliminate them. It’s all good practice as well. What do you think you’ll try next?

@theansweris42, YES! I LOVE that attitude. Bollocks to always coming last! We must put ourselves first, even if just a little every day. What sort of things do you like to draw? I’ve started with wildlife but have a strange urge to draw walls for some reason?! Perhaps one for the weekend. Don’t worry at all about the name checking. I hope you enjoy the rest of your hols and safe journey home.

My accomplishment this week is that I finally feel like I’m making progress on the house renovation. My recent ex had been helping but caused more problems that will need rectifying. I absolutely hate trying to get quotes, so much time and effort only to never hear from them again. Luckily, my plumber has found me a good builder and in a week he’s sorted two rooms out and will start on the living room next week. Only thing is, I now have to make loads of big decisions quickly (not my strong suit!) but I’m just so relieved that things are moving again.

Are we glad or sad that it’s Friday tomorrow? Has anyone got any plans for the weekend?

The getting a life thread
OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 10/08/2023 23:35

OP I love your artwork!

so how long are these classes? People doing three in a row?

thank you so much for starting this thread.