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Original poster

Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him

128 replies

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:07

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months (5 months) and were in a 'relationship' (for 3 months) - because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.

After 9 months (6 months of dating, 3 months of 'official relationship'), one night, he then confessed to me that he had just broken up with his long-distance relationship. She lived 5 hours away, and they saw each other about once a month. He took full responsibility for not ending it in a timely manner.
When I asked him why it took him so long, even though he was unhappy before we met, he said he was probably too afraid to see her cry. He mentioned that having difficult conversations with her was always hard because she would immediately start crying. Additionally, he felt somewhat embarrassed in front of her family, as they had always treated him well and it felt like a home and a second family to him. His ex-girlfriend also had massive OCDs which further strained the relationship.

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with him?

OP posts:
OnaHotTinRoofNow · 07/08/2023 15:10

No I wouldn’t forgive and he would be an ex. The man is capable of lying and you have zero proof of his GF MH issues and if she does fancy discussing medial info.

Dozycuntlaters · 07/08/2023 15:10

So basically for the first six months of your relationship he had another girlfriend whom he was seeing and presumably having sex with and he's trying to excuse it by saying he didn't want to make her cry.

No, I wouldn't be carrying on a relationship after that. If it's true then he's a very weak individual who would rather stick his head in the sand than do what he knows is right......and regardless of the above he has no qualms cheating on you for an easy life. Neither option is attractive. It's only been a few months, I would kick him to the curb if I were you.

AnElegantChaos · 07/08/2023 15:11

Sorry but no this is wild to me. Maybe it's a generational thing, but the first 6 months which you call 'dating' I would call 'being in a relationship' and honestly he's totally at it. He's lied to both you and her, and he'll almost certainly do it again.

Redcliffe1 · 07/08/2023 15:11

When you say relationship did you confirm that it was an exclusive one?

sodthesodoff · 07/08/2023 15:11

Uh. No

Sounds a dick

He would be ex dick by now

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:14

well yes

OP posts:
HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 15:23

Even the most charitable interpretation would lead me to think that he is utterly spineless, to be honest.
So far, you know that he is fine with cheating (and as soon as you started dating regularly I would consider that "in a relationship"), he avoids difficult situations or conversations, and is fine with telling lies if it makes his life easier.

I wouldn't believe this man if he told me that water is wet. I certainly wouldn't keep him around and wait for me to become the woman he is too spineless to get rid of.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:25

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 15:23

Even the most charitable interpretation would lead me to think that he is utterly spineless, to be honest.
So far, you know that he is fine with cheating (and as soon as you started dating regularly I would consider that "in a relationship"), he avoids difficult situations or conversations, and is fine with telling lies if it makes his life easier.

I wouldn't believe this man if he told me that water is wet. I certainly wouldn't keep him around and wait for me to become the woman he is too spineless to get rid of.

I don't feel this way about him. Our conversations are very mature and I don't get the feeling he is ever concerned telling me something that bothers him.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 07/08/2023 15:26

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I'd had to give an ultimatum to get them to commit to me in the first place, I value myself more highly.

But in the unlikely event that I did find myself in such a relationship, if I subsequently found out said "man" had been cheating on his long term girlfriend with me for most of our relationship because he was too much of a fanny to end it, I'd end it immediately and examine why I had so little self respect that I'd even consider staying with him.

But that's just me.

GingerIsBest · 07/08/2023 15:29

OP, come on. The point is that you were the OW. He didn't break up with her becuase of her tears, but rather because he hadn't decided which of you he wanted to be with or, equally likely, because he was quite happy to be with both of you. He then either broke up with her because actually, long distance was a faff and you were handy OR she found out about you and dumped him.

Any man who tells you about the "crazy ex", in whatever form that "crazy" might take, should be an immediate red flag.

Dump him. Move on.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:40

GingerIsBest · 07/08/2023 15:29

OP, come on. The point is that you were the OW. He didn't break up with her becuase of her tears, but rather because he hadn't decided which of you he wanted to be with or, equally likely, because he was quite happy to be with both of you. He then either broke up with her because actually, long distance was a faff and you were handy OR she found out about you and dumped him.

Any man who tells you about the "crazy ex", in whatever form that "crazy" might take, should be an immediate red flag.

Dump him. Move on.

No not quite. He told his best friend he wasn't happy with the relationship long before we had even met. The issue was that he did not want to hurt her feelings and at the same time he felt like a part of her family. His family lives on the other side of the world, so I think the overall setup was giving him some kind of comfort too

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 15:44

Why are you asking again?

IIRC, no one said they'd carry on seeing him last time and everyone said it was the lie and the fact he could deceive you both that made him untrustworthy.

Why do you think it will he different this time? Do you really think a few days between threads will make any difference?

AMuser · 07/08/2023 15:49

Oh ffs OP. Don’t bother asking if you’re not going to listen.

“Not quite”. You do realise you are just regurgitating his crap reasons for having his cake and eating it too.

A man with a strong moral code, a backbone and who really valued you would not do this. But you just won’t be told as per previous thread.

Crack on then.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:50

AMuser · 07/08/2023 15:49

Oh ffs OP. Don’t bother asking if you’re not going to listen.

“Not quite”. You do realise you are just regurgitating his crap reasons for having his cake and eating it too.

A man with a strong moral code, a backbone and who really valued you would not do this. But you just won’t be told as per previous thread.

Crack on then.

I don't get the hate here...Your view is very one dimensional tbh

OP posts:
WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:53

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what any of us think, it's not our relationship.

Ask yourself why you are asking the question. Do you not trust him? Are you having doubts?

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 15:54

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:50

I don't get the hate here...Your view is very one dimensional tbh

Show quote history

It's the exact same response you got from every single other poster on your previous thread and the same one you've got here so far.

It's not 'hate' 🙄

It's the truth.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:54

WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:53

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what any of us think, it's not our relationship.

Ask yourself why you are asking the question. Do you not trust him? Are you having doubts?

I do trust him and I do love him. Sometimes it just makes me sad to think what a wonderful relationship we've had for 1.5 years and why all the BS had to happen before that

OP posts:
WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:55

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:54

I do trust him and I do love him. Sometimes it just makes me sad to think what a wonderful relationship we've had for 1.5 years and why all the BS had to happen before that

Show quote history

Because what happened before has tainted the relationship in some way?

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:55

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 15:54

It's the exact same response you got from every single other poster on your previous thread and the same one you've got here so far.

It's not 'hate' 🙄

It's the truth.

Show quote history

Claiming the truth for something you don't personally know about it not very mature..You can have opinions and you can have experience but claiming the truth is just not appropriate.

OP posts:
AMuser · 07/08/2023 15:56

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:50

I don't get the hate here...Your view is very one dimensional tbh

Show quote history

Er ok. 😂

Or the scenario is a lot more clear cut than you imagine??

The fact that you’ve started two separate threads about shows you’ve got concerns. Maybe trust your gut, eh?

I don’t think you say what age you are but you sound rather immature.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:56

WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:55

Because what happened before has tainted the relationship in some way?

Show quote history

In some way yes...Most days, I don't even think about it, but lately there has been a lot going on with my family and stuff and somehow this all brought it up again

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2023 15:56

You're not really interested in other people's conflicting opinions. You're just looking for someone to tell you he sounds like a great guy to help you justify why you're staying with him.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:57

AMuser · 07/08/2023 15:56

Er ok. 😂

Or the scenario is a lot more clear cut than you imagine??

The fact that you’ve started two separate threads about shows you’ve got concerns. Maybe trust your gut, eh?

I don’t think you say what age you are but you sound rather immature.

Show quote history

I'm 29, wbu?

OP posts:
WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:57

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:56

In some way yes...Most days, I don't even think about it, but lately there has been a lot going on with my family and stuff and somehow this all brought it up again

Show quote history

What has been brought up?

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