Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him

[karlaka]

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months (5 months) and were in a 'relationship' (for 3 months) - because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.

After 9 months (6 months of dating, 3 months of 'official relationship'), one night, he then confessed to me that he had just broken up with his long-distance relationship. She lived 5 hours away, and they saw each other about once a month. He took full responsibility for not ending it in a timely manner.
When I asked him why it took him so long, even though he was unhappy before we met, he said he was probably too afraid to see her cry. He mentioned that having difficult conversations with her was always hard because she would immediately start crying. Additionally, he felt somewhat embarrassed in front of her family, as they had always treated him well and it felt like a home and a second family to him. His ex-girlfriend also had massive OCDs which further strained the relationship.

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with him?

... that's even worse. So you convinced him to lie about having a side chick under the pretense of not hurting HER even though she potentially tially had suspicions there was another woman.. I don't believe it was with her best interests at heart in the slightest ... you're even worse than him. You and the fuckboi actually deserve each other. Vile. You forced him into a "relationship" with you and then basically did the same about him coming clean... you really need to address and work on those controlling behaviours, that's bunny boiler territory.

It's actually fascinating how you can take negative comments and somehow twist them in your head to a positive. Outstanding.

Unfollowing this shitshow, you asked for opinions but never had any intentions of listening to anyone who doesn't subscribe to your fairytale version.

See you in 2 months time when you're posting a thread about how he's cheating on you.

So that makes it OK to share his penis with you , did he truly love you when he was double dipping ? 😀

If true love stops you double dipping then he absolutly didn't love you 💔 while doing his double dipping sessions .

May be he just loves a bit of variety.
Or just another person who would rather share it about with those that let him.

This. You gave him an ultimatum, told you whatever he needed to to shut you up, and carried on shagging his actual girlfriend anyway.

What was the point of the ultimatum exactly? If it didn’t really matter if he committed or not anyway, you’d still accept his sloppy seconds?

He cheated on you and lied to you - not good.

He cheated on her and lied to her - not a good person

He used her because he liked her family and never really loved her - really unpleasant person

It isn’t “true love” here either, if she has to force him into committing via an ultimatum, which he then ignores and carries on shagging other women.

OP knows he is more than happy telling his girlfriends whatever they want to hear, except this time when it is totally definitely “true love”…

What a wet lettuce he is. You forced him into a relationship. She forced him to stay in one. Let's hope some other woman doesn't 'force him' to cheat on you, given he's apparantly incapable of doing anything but obey the instruction of the woman in front of him at any given time, then lie behind their back.

If you understand and it doesn't bother you then that's all that matters. It's about how you feel, not about how anyone else feels on here or elsewhere. No one else knows you or him or your real situation beyond what you've posted.

I think some people are just trying to warn you to be careful as one thing we do know from your posts is that he has obviously lied to you for quite a long time. Most of the time when people do that once, they are capable of doing it again.

Absolutely not true love.
That is why he has been double dipping.

It is completely grim 😫

Him telling you he never really loved her doesn't mean it's true. It's actually even worse if it is. How can you be ok with someone who would shamelessly use someone?

Guarantee you he told her he loved her though, how will you ever know the truth? He lied to numerous people over a 9 month period, lied so well you didn't even have an inkling.

How long was he with the ex?

Lol @ true love. It's not exactly a Disney fairytale is it?

Op I’m really unsure why you had posted. You’ve asked for peoples opinions and the vast majority have pretty much said they’d leave him but you defend him every-time. You seem to come up with excuses for what he’s done. That’s absolutely fine if you trust him, believe him and want to be with him, it’s entirely your choice since it’s your life but it’s weird that you’ve asked for these opinions and then disregarded them or argued with them.

It seems like you want someone to tell you to trust him, you want someone to tell you it happened to them and they had the happily ever after. Not many people are going to tell you that.

He was unhappy in a previous relationship and instead of being a mature person and being honest, he decided to cheat on his long term partner. It shows his character I’m afraid. Yes people who cheat can change but he went months without being honest, it was hardly a one time mistake. I’ve been with someone who cheated on me, I chose to forgive and move on. He didn’t cheat again but over time I realised I couldn’t trust him, I doubted if he was telling me the truth and I worried about where he actually was.

Your implication is that he only acted that way ie. cheated, because he didn't truly love her.

But he's already cheated on you he continuing to see her (and have sex with her) after you initiated the exclusive talk, and went "exclusive". So it doesn't seem to matter if he truly loves someone or not. Hes capable of cheating on.them.

Unless you think he didn't truly love you until the point at which he ended his relationship, but truly loves you now.
Let's hope he doesn't fall out of love at any point (that happens a lot ij long term relationships, you only have integrity to rely on when people fall out of love at times).

He lacks integrity, bottom line.

You are making these threads, and this is rattling around in your head due to another betrayal by someone else because uoh are 😣 and cannot square this.

You are uncomfortable and cannot square this - for good reasons. Your instincts are telling you something. Your "older" brain is telling you something. But you're trying to tamp it down - because you're emotionally attached and invested.

Well, you can (and will) get emotionally attached and invested with someone else, who's not a proven cheater and liar.

What he did to her he will do to you been there trust me save yourself further heartbreak and cut him loose

So he stole her right to informed sexual consent because he didn’t love her enough?!?! You know that, are clear about that and you’re ok with that because he loves you so much more… right…

You’ve lost and you can’t even see it.

He's got lots of plausible reasons for all the places he puts his dick. I'm 58. Divorced. Married to second husband for 20 years. My first husband had all sorts of reasons why he shagged different women . None of them were ever as simple as fancying a shag oh no, they were so much deeper and more meaningful than that.He left me for a 17 year old who he eventually married. She has just divorced him. She has recently discovered that 100% of what he told her at the start of their relationship was a lie. He divorced me ( no he didn't. I divorced him for adultery), I left him ( lie), we hadn't had sex for years ( lie) separate lives but forced to live together because he adored his children ( bullshit). Shagger types who have the opportunity to have their dick in multiple women will take that opportunity evetytime. He will be back with her by Christmas and,if he gets the chance, he'll add someone else in . If he hasn't got time for all 3 of you then it might be your turn to be dumped.

What a load of Billy Bullshit. OP not listening to a word anybody says despite asking for opinions and help. Keep going OP your road leads to happiness for sure.

OP is probably a bot or bored Redditor. But this is striking ‘But knowing his troubled childhood and the family issues, I can understand why he acted the way he did. He was happy to be part of a family and accepted to be in a relationship with someone he did not feel happy with. We talk about what happened a lot and he is never the one blaming anyone. He describes why the personality traits of himself and of his ex gf made him do what he did’

damage calls to damage. OP has a bad family relationships, she has been betrayed by her mother. Rather than explore that she’s found another damaged individual to focus on for a few years to distract herself.

@karlaka - it’s not going to end well for you. You can’t be the one to ‘save’ him. He talks a good game about feelings etc etc but will just use and discard you.

get back together with him if you must but work on yourself and ask yourself why you accept this from him when all these randoms strangers would not.

^ this op , if you don't want to listen to anyone else, please listen to this lady.

I guess the op will find out how she feels about it in a very short amount of time.

Enjoy op. Don't say you weren't warned.

He continued seeing her partly because he can't deal with women's tears (cowardly, immature) and he didn't want to part ways with or look bad to her family ... Because he loved being part of her family.

Let's see - by cheating on her with a new gf for months on end - he was relying on her not discovering it/it not being discovered in order not to be seen as an absolute cheating, lying, betraying bastard by her family. That's all he was depending on not to end his association with them - whom he cared about soo much and loved being part of so much; her not finding the wring message etc from you.

So he's willing to risk quite a lot of anger and hurt to the family he says was so important to him, and willing to risk them gating his guts.

Then, even if not discovered, he was willing to lie to their faces - while with her and seeing them, a out the fact that he had another woman back home. So that's the respect and honesty he shows people he claims he liked/cared about/were important to him.

There is so much more to this lack of integrity than just the cheating on you and her. He's shit himself in the foot by saying he had trouble ending the relationship because of his attachment to get family, because it shows he'd willing to use people for what he gets from it, while lying to them (by omission) and playing them for fools.

You are uncomfortable with him cheating for months for good reason.

You're letting desperation, low self esteem, investment, sunk costs fallacy etc over one that.

It's not been a long time to get out now. It could be much worse.

*willing to risk them hating his guts.

Oh and just for the record "I never truly loved her" is cheater script 101.

Pretty much all cheating married men say this to their mistress/next woman about their wife. In most cases, it's BS; they loved her at one point but fell out of love, and how they dealt with falling out of love was to cheat.

He is a dick, a liar and a cheat.
Clearly dump him.

You prob wont based on replies...

so i look forward to your future posts about whatever crappy life situation you have walked into next and how " unsure" you are about what to do next/ what it all means... because " he is a great guy" and you have "mature conversations"... so you arent clear why exactly is shagging your best mate when you are 6 months pregnant...but he says he is really sorry so should you forgive him?

To me it sounds you are trying to find justification for being with him. His two timing clearly bothers you as you keep asking this again. If it didn't, you would have inner peace. I tried to make it work with wrong men in the past. I tried to justify it, think around and around, something bothering me but I tried to tell myself it didn't matter. For me it is so liberating to feel this inner peace that I have with my husband. I don't question myself, my feelings or should I be with him. I am in peace. And it's an amazing feeling. And I truly hope you get to experience that one day. Good luck!

Something off about the wording in both threads...but these things DO happening so anyone reading because they are in a similar situation -

They only confess and say 'I know we're over because of how bad I am' because they want you to feel sorry for them and forgive them because of how 'honest' they are.

They always claim they 'never really loved them'.

A cheat is a cheat and you can never trust them. If they've proven once they'll cheat they can always do it again. And it will happen again as soon as you aren't giving them what they want.

Relationships run their course but decent people end it before going elsewhere, not deceive people and ultimately leave them with trust issues.