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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you have given a 2nd chance?

138 replies

karlaka · 01/08/2023 08:57

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 01/08/2023 08:59

Probably, in my experience most long distance relationships are doomed anyway.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:01

Whattodowithit88 · 01/08/2023 08:59

Probably, in my experience most long distance relationships are doomed anyway.

Yeah but still, he was lying to me for 9 months in total. The question is, would you have given a second chance after all?

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:03

@karlaka No I personally wouldn’t have.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:03

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:03

@karlaka No I personally wouldn’t have.

Don't you think people can change?

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:13

@karlaka maybe but I wouldn’t put myself through trying to trust a cheater again. That’s just me personally though. Everyone is different and has different boundaries. I think the length of time he was lying to you would be a major issue for me. In all the couples I know or know of (past and present) where one person has cheated, the majority have cheated again further down the line. I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat but I think it tends to be a new person they change for, not someone they have already lied to and cheated on. Some people do come through it but I think the majority don’t and that’s the reason why I wouldn’t put myself through it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 09:18

It would depend in part on
What type of lie - so one of omission where he didn't tell you but there was no other lie, or 9 months of lies about where he is this weekend, why he can't see me Tuesdays etc. I think the constant lying, the juggling of us both etc would be a bigger issue.

Also the nature of their relationship. Did he have sexual relations with her after your discussion on exclusivity?

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:20

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 09:18

It would depend in part on
What type of lie - so one of omission where he didn't tell you but there was no other lie, or 9 months of lies about where he is this weekend, why he can't see me Tuesdays etc. I think the constant lying, the juggling of us both etc would be a bigger issue.

Also the nature of their relationship. Did he have sexual relations with her after your discussion on exclusivity?

There must have been other lies - such as him not telling me when he was with her and pretending he was extending his business trip or visiting friends...I think they had Sex 1 or 2 times after we became 'exclusive'.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2023 09:25

It all sounds like a lot of waffle and emotionally hard work, to be honest. Journeys and connections and states of being and struggles all in a few months. Not my bag. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship / situationship with him in the first place, and wouldn’t have given him the opportunity for another go at more of the same.

Besides which, he spent almost a year hedging his bets, keeping his then-girlfriend in the running in case things didn’t work out with you. He didn’t care about being duplicitous towards either of you, he just wanted to make sure he didn’t end up single. All his faux-angst and hair-shirting about it is just a fairly transparent attempt to make you feel that you might be special, and better about having been in other woman in hindsight.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:27

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2023 09:25

It all sounds like a lot of waffle and emotionally hard work, to be honest. Journeys and connections and states of being and struggles all in a few months. Not my bag. I wouldn’t have been in a relationship / situationship with him in the first place, and wouldn’t have given him the opportunity for another go at more of the same.

Besides which, he spent almost a year hedging his bets, keeping his then-girlfriend in the running in case things didn’t work out with you. He didn’t care about being duplicitous towards either of you, he just wanted to make sure he didn’t end up single. All his faux-angst and hair-shirting about it is just a fairly transparent attempt to make you feel that you might be special, and better about having been in other woman in hindsight.

Yes, but then eventually, he broke up with her and told me the truth. He could have not said anything. When he told me the truth, he said he knew he now has lost both of us but he had to come clean and didn't want to lie to me any longer.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 01/08/2023 09:27

No because he has proved to you he is a liar and capable of deliberately deceiving you. It will always be in the back of your mind he is capable of having sex with you whilst in another relationship.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:30

caringcarer · 01/08/2023 09:27

No because he has proved to you he is a liar and capable of deliberately deceiving you. It will always be in the back of your mind he is capable of having sex with you whilst in another relationship.

Yes, but then I guess you never know. Anyone can cheat and therefore have Sex with another person whilst being in a relationship with you. You can never be a 100% sure.

OP posts:
Olika · 01/08/2023 09:31

I wouldn't be able to be with him. First 9 months he was two timing and lied to you. But if it isn't a deal breaker for you and doesn't bother you then you go for it.

homeforme · 01/08/2023 09:34

Absolutely not.

You have done something very commonly seen and stayed in the hope that things will change. It's working for you, as far as you are aware, for now. He isn't the type of man I would choose to be with and as soon as he showed me who he really was that would have been it for me.

You have asked someone upthread about whether they think people can change, crucially for me I want to embark on a relationship with someone who isn't so flawed I need to hope he can change.

Deathbyfluffy · 01/08/2023 09:35

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:30

Yes, but then I guess you never know. Anyone can cheat and therefore have Sex with another person whilst being in a relationship with you. You can never be a 100% sure.

You can with the right person - I know 100% my DW wouldn’t do that, and I hope she does with me too.

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 09:36

caringcarer · 01/08/2023 09:27

No because he has proved to you he is a liar and capable of deliberately deceiving you. It will always be in the back of your mind he is capable of having sex with you whilst in another relationship.

This.

Whether or not they were having sex or how often they actually etc up in person is almost irrelevant in this situation.

It's the fact he was able to do it at all that would he a concern for me. It toik him 9 months and several conversations about where he saw the relationship going/exclusivity - none of which he was honest in - to come clean.

He could have been honest with you from the start and then you would at least have been able to make an informed decision for yourself about whether you wanted to continue seeing him. As it is, he made the decision to keep it quiet - serving his own interests - and say nothing to you.

It shows a complete lack of integrity and that's why I wouldn't have given him a second chance.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2023 09:37

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:27

Yes, but then eventually, he broke up with her and told me the truth. He could have not said anything. When he told me the truth, he said he knew he now has lost both of us but he had to come clean and didn't want to lie to me any longer.

Presumably you thought he was telling you the truth at the start of the relationship, when you believed he was single. Presumably his then-girlfriend thought he was telling her the truth, when she believed they were exclusive. He wasn’t telling either of you the truth. He’s told you something. You have no idea if what he’s told you is true.

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:37

@karlaka in these situations the one who has been cheated on usually lowers their boundaries and make excuses to justify staying with them. You are already doing by saying well anyone can cheat and you can never be 100% sure. The difference is, I would rather be with someone I am 90% sure wouldn’t cheat on me than with someone I’m 100% sure can.

BrightLightTonight · 01/08/2023 09:37

No I wouldn't be with him. But, additionally, you sound hard work with your demanding to put a label on your relationship after 3 months. If I was him, I would have run for the hill then. Sorry

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 09:38

Why are you asking?

Because your responses so far seem to be treating it as a philosophical/academic query rather than advice seeking.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:38

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2023 09:37

Presumably you thought he was telling you the truth at the start of the relationship, when you believed he was single. Presumably his then-girlfriend thought he was telling her the truth, when she believed they were exclusive. He wasn’t telling either of you the truth. He’s told you something. You have no idea if what he’s told you is true.

Yes, but still, why did he tell me about it at all? If he had 0 integrity, he could have kept it a secret.

OP posts:
karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:40

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 09:38

Why are you asking?

Because your responses so far seem to be treating it as a philosophical/academic query rather than advice seeking.

I love our relationship - and I get that people from the outside are concerned. I'd bee too. But sometimes, I get flashbacks of what he did to me and I wonder how he could have done all that. Normally, he is such a fair person and takes care of me and is so supportive. I just don't understand how someone like him could have done something so awful.

OP posts:
homeforme · 01/08/2023 09:40

Yes, but still, why did he tell me about it at all? If he had 0 integrity, he could have kept it a secret.

Goodness listen to yourself Sad

I'm embarrassed for you that you are so desperate for this to be right that you are suggesting it's ok because he told you.

homeforme · 01/08/2023 09:41

I just don't understand how someone like him could have done something so awful.

It's because he is a lying cunt.

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:41

BrightLightTonight · 01/08/2023 09:37

No I wouldn't be with him. But, additionally, you sound hard work with your demanding to put a label on your relationship after 3 months. If I was him, I would have run for the hill then. Sorry

I wanted to know what we are after three months: He said, he wants us to be in a relationship at some point, but he is not ready yet. I posed the ultimatum after 5 months of dating, which I think, is fair.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 09:41

He lied to you effortlessly for nine months. He will do so again.