Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him

[karlaka]

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months (5 months) and were in a 'relationship' (for 3 months) - because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.

After 9 months (6 months of dating, 3 months of 'official relationship'), one night, he then confessed to me that he had just broken up with his long-distance relationship. She lived 5 hours away, and they saw each other about once a month. He took full responsibility for not ending it in a timely manner.
When I asked him why it took him so long, even though he was unhappy before we met, he said he was probably too afraid to see her cry. He mentioned that having difficult conversations with her was always hard because she would immediately start crying. Additionally, he felt somewhat embarrassed in front of her family, as they had always treated him well and it felt like a home and a second family to him. His ex-girlfriend also had massive OCDs which further strained the relationship.

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with him?

What a car crash. You're the other woman, no matter what way you look at it, he disrespected both of you with that - had his cake and ate it so to speak. Going by your answers to other posters, and your other thread, you aren't interested and just want one person to say "oh he made a mistake, blah blah, skip off into the sunset." cause every other response you've made has been defensive and makes you look like a bit of a dick.

Have more respect for yourself and get out of this shit show joke of a "relationship". You deserve better. You'll never trust him after this and you know it, every time his phone pings or he looks at it and smiles, your mind will go to that place and no one deserves to live like that. If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. Do better for yourself and toss the garbage out.

Sad, the girl was sad

how was your situation exactly the same

Nothing said on this thread (either in favour of acceptance or suggesting you move on op) will alter your feelings either way.

Talk it through with your boyfriend and work out if you can live with what he did.

At 29 you may be starting to think about making a commitment and starting a family. I suspect you are worried he could one day treat you like his ex and it is quite natural to want to know exactly what the risks are.

Nah, bin him. If he did it to her he’ll do it to you. Find someone better - 9 months is a long situationship but it’s really not that long in the grand scheme of life ☺️

And before you ask, I'm dead old (aka 'mature') with a happy relationship of 20 years which has been tested in every way except infidelity.

We have held fast through the hard times and are madly in love. However, infidelity would have broken us.

OP, are you honestly interested in hearing what people think (on either thread?). Anyone who thinks he's a twat is 'one-dimensional'; anyone who sympathises with you is 'mature'.

You clearly don't want to dump him. So that's fine. Don't.

Not sure why you're wasting your time on here.

No.

He didn't do it sooner because he enjoyed having two girls on the go at once. Like fuck did he delay breaking up with her because he was worried about upsetting her and her family. FFS OP.

OP, I know it is difficult as you say you love him, and you’re right that nobody on here knows the truths and ins & outs of your relationship. But what everybody here does know is that:

1. He was continuing another relationship for 9 months without ever mentioning this to you, seeing this person 9 times (once a month) during that time if I’ve understood you correctly.
2. By your own admission, he only committed to a relationship with you after you gave him an ultimatum.

It really doesn’t matter what we DON’T know about your relationship because based off of those 2 things alone, as the majority of people have said, no I wouldn’t understand his reasons or forgive him.

I completely understand it’s difficult when your feelings are involved, but respectfully, if he had any love or respect for you at all he wouldn’t have made you the other woman, and he wouldn’t have kept it a secret for 9 months before telling you. It doesn’t matter what his excuses are for that or what else has gone on within your relationship, if the person you love can hide another relationship from you for 9 months then they don’t love you the way you love them, and they certainly don’t respect you in any way at all.

He stole yours and her right to informed sexual consent and your personal agency for six months, while he made up his mind. He’s an idiot. No amount of posts are going to change that.

But it’s your choice to stay, but as you have, you need to own that he has the potential to do this to you again and you are knowingly taking that risk. Recent research shows he is 3-4 times more likely to do this again than someone who hasn’t previously cheated.

FWIW I do believe in second chances, I gave my husband one and it’s worked out.. so far. BUT if I hadn’t been married, had children, finance ties etc he wouldn’t have seen me for dust if I was in your situation.

Do you regret giving your husband a second chance?

He started shagging you behind his girlfriend's back OP. You can dress it up all you want.

He's free now, you get the 'prize'. Enjoy. Hopefully you'll not have left an opening for another bit on the side.

Oh OP, he didn’t mean to stay with her for six months, it was all a misunderstanding as she was so unstable. You should definitely stay with him and he loves you to the moon and back.

not really. He’s a cheater and you’re a fool. Or a troll. I hope a troll as otherwise you are gonna have a miserable time with this one.

No I don’t, but I had a family to think of. I risk assessed the situation and decided that I was happier with the risk than as a single parent without him. But I don’t underestimate the risk, I’m not worried, I’m not bitter and I don’t lack trust, I’m just more pragmatic and aware. I wouldn’t want that for someone who still has their world ahead of them, someone without ties, someone like you.

I was in a similar situation to you in a previous relationship (when I was much younger) and I walked. He went on to be a serial cheat when he got married. I know him well (we’re still friendly) and he’s only now at 50+ properly settled down.

It’s a risk, it really is, but you clearly feel he’s worth it.

OP, seriously. Never mind other people's opinions - as you have said yourself, how is anyone's situation exactly the same as yours? It isn't.

Look inside yourself on this one. You are looking for someone to make the decision for you, maybe someone to blame if it all goes wrong. It's clear what you want to hear, because you are dismissing anyone who doesn't agree with you. Ask yourself why you are getting lots of replies saying that they wouldn't have made the same choice as you. Why did you make the choice to stay?

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

I think I understand them to an extent but it all depends on context. Is he estranged from his own family? Why does this girls family mean so much to him he would put himself and you in this situation? I understand people get close to their partners family but it can justify effectively cheating on two women which is what he done. I also think although he hasn’t said so to you he’s very insecure, he was seemingly too afraid to completely leave one relationship before he was sure about another. That’s a very unhealthy mindset.

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with

I don’t know if I’d be able to continue a relationship with him. If he was sleeping with both of us - definitely not. And I’d also worry he is not in a great place mentally to behave like that so that would put me off him. I admire strong, emotionally healthy partners with strong morals so this very deceitful behaviour would give me the ick! Also, it’s an indicator for his future behaviour and he may just excuse it as “I wasn’t happy with you for a while”

In answer to your question
Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him
My answer would be a resounding NO.

He lied to you for months on end. Continued a relationship with someone else - because he didn't want to make her cry?
And he thinks you will actually swallow that? Although it does appear you have swallowed that. but then when in the midst of it all it can all get confusing, especially if he is able to charm you over each time he messes up.

For me, having been round the block a few times and less inclined to put up with any type of bullshit behaviour, I would not believe his 'excuse' for one second.

What he is essentially saying to you is that he thinks it is far better to lie to and cheat on 2 women than make one of them cry.
He will apply this theory to every aspect of his and your life OP. He'll cheat on you and won't tell you because he won't want to look bad at making you cry.
He'll be telling his mates he isn't happy with you months before you even have an inkling, because he doesn't want to look bad at making you cry. You really want to be on the receiving end of that?

So he sounds like he is being nice, and thinking of someone elses feelings? Thats absolute bullshit. he is thinking 100% of himself and himself only. He didn't want to look bad in front of her parents, he didn't want to look bad upsetting her. He didn't tell you because he knew it was a shitty thing to do to you and her. At what point is he thinking of anyone here but himself?

At best he is thick as shit and a coward.
At worst he is a manipulative cheat.
Why would you want to be with either of those options?

Correct, he's estranged from his family and I always had the feeling that her family mattered more than she did. Which he eventually told her as well. Not like that - but he said that her family definitely played a huge part in their relationship. And yes, he also admitted to have had low esteem in this regard. I know he's been developing his self esteem and I've seen him progressing a lot lately

You're just hoping that a couple of posters are going to give you validation of your desire to forgive him. You don't need validation - if that's what you want to do, do it. I wouldn't.

you cannot judge someone by knowing so little about them.

What's the point of asking the opinion of a forum full of posters who don't know your partner, then discounting their opinions because they don't know your partner and disagree with your opinion? Twice!

Well quite

But on her other thread the op admits he had sex with his 'Ex' at least a few times when they were exclusive.

And she's still here defending him.

So I'm not sure what he has to do to her to make her think hang on a minute I deserve better than this.

He lied to you for 9 months.
He had sex with her while you were "exclusive" even though you bullied him into labelling your relationship in the first place.
He carried in having sex with her even though it was over and he was with you.

How many red flags are you going to trip over before you see how of a dickhead this person is.

Grow some self esteem and focus on someone who won't do these things to you.

I gave you my opinion of your cheating and lying boyfriend based on the information that you provided and you replied to me with this nonsense -

'you cannot judge someone by knowing so little about them. i don't know your age or your educational background, but your views are pretty one dimensional'

With your sour attitude and belligerence to accept anyone else's opinion that doesn't match your own when asked, you are going to find it hard to meet anyone decent.

I wish you luck.

“because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.”

@karlaka

why?
NO!
Please, never again.

Ahh okay - just as I thought …his actions were still immoral and damaging , but this makes a bit more sense. It’s a reason not an excuse though.

I don’t have a great relationship with some of my family so I get the whole getting attached to someone else’s family and feeling some kind of loyalty to them, but yeah it still doesn’t justify cheating on two people.

Yes, he definitely was more into her family than her. Well that’s good he has recognised his issues and is working on his self esteem.

Everyone is different but personally I couldn’t stay with someone who was sleeping with someone else at the same time they were with me (without my knowledge) as I’d feel my right to informed consent had been taken away.

There’s a line on here people use a lot, something about woman aren’t rehab centres for sick men and I think that’s important to remember. I used to attract a lot of men with issues and burned myself out trying to be there for them.

However one thing in his favour is he seems fairly self-aware and he did own up to it whereas he could have kept it to himself…so who knows? perhaps he will get it together in the future, but until then make sure you make yourself a priority not him.