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Original poster

Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him

128 replies

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:07

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months (5 months) and were in a 'relationship' (for 3 months) - because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.

After 9 months (6 months of dating, 3 months of 'official relationship'), one night, he then confessed to me that he had just broken up with his long-distance relationship. She lived 5 hours away, and they saw each other about once a month. He took full responsibility for not ending it in a timely manner.
When I asked him why it took him so long, even though he was unhappy before we met, he said he was probably too afraid to see her cry. He mentioned that having difficult conversations with her was always hard because she would immediately start crying. Additionally, he felt somewhat embarrassed in front of her family, as they had always treated him well and it felt like a home and a second family to him. His ex-girlfriend also had massive OCDs which further strained the relationship.

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with him?

OP posts:
Busubaba · 07/08/2023 15:58

He's a liar, a cheat, devious and manipulative.

Which of those traits are you especially attracted to?

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:58

WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 15:57

What has been brought up?

Show quote history

the feelings and our 'history'

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:59

Busubaba · 07/08/2023 15:58

He's a liar, a cheat, devious and manipulative.

Which of those traits are you especially attracted to?

you cannot judge someone by knowing so little about them. i don't know your age or your educational background, but your views are pretty one dimensional

OP posts:
WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 16:01

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:58

the feelings and our 'history'

Show quote history

It's been brought up by someone else, or the other family stuff has triggered you to think about it again? Maybe there is some similarity in what you are dealing with in your family and what you dealt with with your partner? Sometimes people are willing to put up with a load of shit from partners when something about the relationship reminds them of past family stuff. That in a current relationship you can be trying to repair hurts from deep in the past.

AndyMcFlurry · 07/08/2023 16:02

Why have you started another thread asking the same thing OP?

GingerIsBest · 07/08/2023 16:02

The issue was that he did not want to hurt her feelings and at the same time he felt like a part of her family.

Sure. And I have the Hope Diamond and can sell it to you for a fiver.

sodthesodoff · 07/08/2023 16:02

Busubaba · 07/08/2023 15:58

He's a liar, a cheat, devious and manipulative.

Which of those traits are you especially attracted to?

Well quite

But the fact the op had to force him into a relationship after six months says she's in complete denial about this relationship

He could be fucking someone in front of her and she'd be here asking is this okay? before defending his skanky ass to everyone who dared have an opinion.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 16:02

WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 16:01

It's been brought up by someone else, or the other family stuff has triggered you to think about it again? Maybe there is some similarity in what you are dealing with in your family and what you dealt with with your partner? Sometimes people are willing to put up with a load of shit from partners when something about the relationship reminds them of past family stuff. That in a current relationship you can be trying to repair hurts from deep in the past.

Show quote history

I'm feeling betrayed by my mother. This has happened recently however. Not the other way around.
What would you have done? Do you feel the same way everyone else does?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 07/08/2023 16:03

Sorry I’m a little confused in your timing of it all but what I would feel like is the ow, in your case.
He already had a partner before he started dating you. He was seeing two people at the same time and lying to you both. How he treated his ex is pretty horrible, it would make me question his morals.

Sorry to say op but it doesn’t really matter if he told
people he was unhappy. He should have ended his relationship before starting a new one. He doesn’t sound like a catch, you had to give him an ultimatum to start a relationship with you. He’s made up excuses of not wanting to end with his ex and it would make me question if he would be able to tell you the truth and if he might randomly start another relationship with someone else.

mainbrochus · 07/08/2023 16:06

Loving this - OP is dating a cheat. She’s the one that has told us this. Then gets upset with everyone that is saying ‘nope I would dump him coz errrrr he’s a cheat’.

op there are men in the whole who don’t cheat. Dump him, work on yourself and a lovely person will find you.

no hate - just feel you should have higher standards for yourself.

WishingOnACar · 07/08/2023 16:06

karlaka · 07/08/2023 16:02

I'm feeling betrayed by my mother. This has happened recently however. Not the other way around.
What would you have done? Do you feel the same way everyone else does?

Show quote history

So betrayal or being betrayed is a bit of a theme for you. Focus on that - what does betrayal mean for you? What past stuff is it bringing up for you?

It doesn't matter what I would do. I'm not you and this isn't my relationship.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/08/2023 16:07

Is his best friend someone who is very loyal to your boyfriend? Because of course he's going to go along with whatever you've been told. If your boyfriend has told him to agree that he confessed he was miserable, then he'll tell you that no matter what the actual truth is.

I would also worry about someone who leaves one LTR for another. In fact, the two relationships overlapped so obviously he doesn't see an issue with 'bed hopping' in this way. I don't think I could ever trust him not to do the same thing to me.

Saschka · 07/08/2023 16:09

OP, in your last thread you admitted that he had hidden his relationship with you from his friends and family, because he “other” long term girlfriend was his main relationship.

He then dumped her (or she dumped him, you only have his word for it that he dumped her), and he decided to stick with you. He didn’t tell her he’d been cheating on her for the previous six months. That’s still a secret. He went crying to you and admitted his girlfriend existed, because obviously you would find out the moment you met any of his friends. You believed his tears and agreed to keep seeing him.

Is it any wonder none of us think this lying sack of shit is worth your time and energy? You have no idea if he had other girlfriends when he was seeing you, and you were the only one silly enough not to dump him when he “confessed” he had a permanent girlfriend. It’s also perfectly possible he has another two or three women on the go right now - his girlfriend didn’t know about you, why do you think you would know if he cheated on you?

DeeCeeCherry · 07/08/2023 16:12

Well he's messed both you and her around, hasnt he? Doesn't that tell you something about his character? Doesnt matter what earnest sob story he gives you - when someone shows you who they are you'd be wise to open your eyes and see the red flags waving. I dont think loyalty is his forte, is it?
When he messes you around in the future he'll be telling the new woman that you had massive OCD which put a strain on the relationship too

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 16:13

Jesus fucking Christ.

Every. Single. Day you get someone on mumsnet who puts up with the most ridiculous nonsense.

No op. No, I wouldn't go out with him. I'm worth a billion times more than him. As are you.

Nivid · 07/08/2023 16:15

I think i would understand in your position. Some people are not assertive in breaking up when the other one wants to keep the relationship, but could other reasons be there too that he is concealing and are likely... he could decide to keep the relationship with her because he was in doubt about what relationship he would have with you or he still had an attachment to her or her familly. Anyway, he doesn't see her anymore, was open with you about breaking up with her and you like him, i would move on. Some itching feelings but he choose you and doesn't see her more, that is more important to me.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 16:18

Nivid · 07/08/2023 16:15

I think i would understand in your position. Some people are not assertive in breaking up when the other one wants to keep the relationship, but could other reasons be there too that he is concealing and are likely... he could decide to keep the relationship with her because he was in doubt about what relationship he would have with you or he still had an attachment to her or her familly. Anyway, he doesn't see her anymore, was open with you about breaking up with her and you like him, i would move on. Some itching feelings but he choose you and doesn't see her more, that is more important to me.

can I ask how old you are? Your answer seems a lot more reflected and mature

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 07/08/2023 16:19

Nivid · 07/08/2023 16:15

I think i would understand in your position. Some people are not assertive in breaking up when the other one wants to keep the relationship, but could other reasons be there too that he is concealing and are likely... he could decide to keep the relationship with her because he was in doubt about what relationship he would have with you or he still had an attachment to her or her familly. Anyway, he doesn't see her anymore, was open with you about breaking up with her and you like him, i would move on. Some itching feelings but he choose you and doesn't see her more, that is more important to me.

For six months?

Raise your bar

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 16:22

I think I said on your last thread that younger (20something) me might have given him a second chance.

I can see how I might have bought his story.

I can see how I might have felt compassion for his situation.

I gave plenty of dick blokes a second chance when I was in my 20s. Never again.

Has it occurred to you that you're getting the responses you're getting not because people are one dimensional or immature or because of hate but because women who are older than you have seen this kind of man/behaviour so many times we can just spot it.

Posters have only got what you are telling us to go on. You are obviously presenting him as sympathetically as possible because, presumably, there's a level on which you think he does deserve a second chance. And yet everyone is still saying the same.

Saschka · 07/08/2023 16:23

OP: Am I being unreasonable? I only want to hear from people saying that I’m not, thanks in advance.

GreyCarpet · 07/08/2023 16:24

sodthesodoff · 07/08/2023 16:19

For six months?

Raise your bar

Show quote history

Quite.

villamariavintrapp · 07/08/2023 16:30

Well as everyone else has said, him cheating and lying to you for so long is unacceptable and you should have dumped him then. Him 'taking full responsibility' was telling you that he was using her because he liked her family? And that he doesn't like to see her cry (easily avoided id have thought in a long distance relationship.. if only he'd thought of phoning her, rather than stringing you both along for 9 months!)

AgnesX · 07/08/2023 16:30

No

Simply no.

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 16:32

Nope.
DD has just found out her BF of 4 years “e cheated” on her.
His excuse was that she was safe because her Mum was poorly
DD dumped him and is ignoring the begging

Rottenapples · 07/08/2023 16:32

Take it from someone who has been in the EXACT same situation and forgiven… leave.