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Original poster

Would you understand his reasons and be able to forgive him

128 replies

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:07

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for several months (5 months) and were in a 'relationship' (for 3 months) - because I had 'forced' it through an ultimatum.

After 9 months (6 months of dating, 3 months of 'official relationship'), one night, he then confessed to me that he had just broken up with his long-distance relationship. She lived 5 hours away, and they saw each other about once a month. He took full responsibility for not ending it in a timely manner.
When I asked him why it took him so long, even though he was unhappy before we met, he said he was probably too afraid to see her cry. He mentioned that having difficult conversations with her was always hard because she would immediately start crying. Additionally, he felt somewhat embarrassed in front of her family, as they had always treated him well and it felt like a home and a second family to him. His ex-girlfriend also had massive OCDs which further strained the relationship.

Do you understand his reasons for delaying the breakup for so long?

In my position, would you be able to forgive these reasons and continue a relationship with him?

OP posts:
SittingOnTheChair · 07/08/2023 17:26

You've only him for a one and half years.

Get rid.

Seryse · 07/08/2023 17:32

I bet he wasn't honest with his girlfriend when he broke up with her either, I place a bet that he never told her he had a side piece on the go. And the fact you feel his family mattered more to him than her... that's just even worse, what an absolute cretin. Only one I feel sorry for in all this is the original girlfriend, I wouldn't be too sure he's completely cut that either by reading your latest updates. You honestly deserve better, never make someone your everything when all you are to them is an option.

RunningFromInsanity · 07/08/2023 17:32

I’ve never heard cheating being called ‘delaying the breakup’ before. That’s a new one for me.

Goldcircle · 07/08/2023 17:34

Fgs get rid, hes a liar and a cheat

Seryse · 07/08/2023 17:37

RunningFromInsanity · 07/08/2023 17:32

I’ve never heard cheating being called ‘delaying the breakup’ before. That’s a new one for me.

Someone needs to put that on the cheaters handbook thread on here 😂

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 07/08/2023 17:38

So, you were the side piece, and you've been upgraded to actual girlfriend. Looks like he's got a vacancy for a new bit on the side.

You know he has absolutely no issue with lying to his girlfriend for months on end. Hell, you also know he has no issue lieing to you for months on end.

Why on earth would you believe he's not going to do it again?

SemperIdem · 07/08/2023 17:41

You are a complete mug

tt9 · 07/08/2023 17:42

@karlaka I'm 99% sure this is an AI chatbot generated thread. but despite this, I will give you the response you want. yes you should forgive him. he is the best thing that will ever happen to you. you should marry him and have 5 kids you stay home to raise and kiss his feet every day at least twice. Happy now?

Flakey99 · 07/08/2023 17:43

For gods sake, stop pretending to yourself that only you understand him and can help him become a better person. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

erikbloodaxe · 07/08/2023 17:44

Is this your first relationship Op. Fgs where is your self respect and self worth?

RAISE YOUR BAR!

Merapi · 07/08/2023 18:00

By all means, forgive him if you want to. Just remember that you now know he is capable of continuing a relationship with one person, yet thinks it is fine to start another relationship with someone else anyway.

There's always the possibility he might do the same to you one day.

Radiohat · 07/08/2023 18:02

How would you feel if he shares his penis with someone else , maybe testing the water with a new person while still seeing you ?

Food for thought 🤔

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2023 18:02

No.

But it wouldn't have come to that in the first place because if I have to give someone an ultimatum in order to get them to agree to a relationship then they clearly don't want me and therefore don't deserve me.

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:05

Radiohat · 07/08/2023 18:02

How would you feel if he shares his penis with someone else , maybe testing the water with a new person while still seeing you ?

Food for thought 🤔

he never truly loved her - that might be the difference

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:06

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2023 18:02

No.

But it wouldn't have come to that in the first place because if I have to give someone an ultimatum in order to get them to agree to a relationship then they clearly don't want me and therefore don't deserve me.

I don't know where you live, but such things are quite normal where I live. People have a hard time committing, they date for months trying to figure out what they are and what they want

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:08

Seryse · 07/08/2023 17:32

I bet he wasn't honest with his girlfriend when he broke up with her either, I place a bet that he never told her he had a side piece on the go. And the fact you feel his family mattered more to him than her... that's just even worse, what an absolute cretin. Only one I feel sorry for in all this is the original girlfriend, I wouldn't be too sure he's completely cut that either by reading your latest updates. You honestly deserve better, never make someone your everything when all you are to them is an option.

Correct, but he told me he needs to tell her about him cheating on her and I told him not to do it. It took me a lot to convince him not to hurt her. It wouldnt make any difference if she knew

OP posts:
Pinkitydrinkity · 07/08/2023 18:10

Honestly, dating is a minefield but if a man wants to commit to you, he’ll commit without an ultimatum. It’s not something that only happens in your area.

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2023 18:10

I live in Derbyshire.
I'm quite surprised there's a region where it's normal to have to force people to agree to a relationship. That's not good at all.

Opentooffers · 07/08/2023 18:10

Read your other OP, same story with different timeliness? How strange? Been dating 5 months, 9 months or actually living together a year?

Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:12

Oatycookies · 07/08/2023 17:24

Ahh okay - just as I thought …his actions were still immoral and damaging , but this makes a bit more sense. It’s a reason not an excuse though.

I don’t have a great relationship with some of my family so I get the whole getting attached to someone else’s family and feeling some kind of loyalty to them, but yeah it still doesn’t justify cheating on two people.

Yes, he definitely was more into her family than her. Well that’s good he has recognised his issues and is working on his self esteem.

Everyone is different but personally I couldn’t stay with someone who was sleeping with someone else at the same time they were with me (without my knowledge) as I’d feel my right to informed consent had been taken away.

There’s a line on here people use a lot, something about woman aren’t rehab centres for sick men and I think that’s important to remember. I used to attract a lot of men with issues and burned myself out trying to be there for them.

However one thing in his favour is he seems fairly self-aware and he did own up to it whereas he could have kept it to himself…so who knows? perhaps he will get it together in the future, but until then make sure you make yourself a priority not him.

Show quote history

I know. I'm not saying any of what he has done was correct. But knowing his troubled childhood and the family issues, I can understand why he acted the way he did. He was happy to be part of a family and accepted to be in a relationship with someone he did not feel happy with. We talk about what happened a lot and he is never the one blaming anyone. He describes why the personality traits of himself and of his ex gf made him do what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:13

Opentooffers · 07/08/2023 18:10

Read your other OP, same story with different timeliness? How strange? Been dating 5 months, 9 months or actually living together a year?

we dated for 5 months, and were in a relationship for 3 months after the ultimatum

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 07/08/2023 18:15

Pinkitydrinkity · 07/08/2023 18:10

Honestly, dating is a minefield but if a man wants to commit to you, he’ll commit without an ultimatum. It’s not something that only happens in your area.

that is why i said that if he does not want to commit, then i'm out. how is that an unfair ultimatum

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 07/08/2023 18:20

Jesus. Because if someone's into you they don't need an ultimatum.

Besides which it meant fuck all. As according to you he continued to shag his ex anyway.

Lovely stuff.

ChristmasCrumpet · 07/08/2023 18:20

karlaka · 07/08/2023 15:55

Claiming the truth for something you don't personally know about it not very mature..You can have opinions and you can have experience but claiming the truth is just not appropriate.

Show quote history

People are commenting on the truth based on what you've written.

If you've left out massive details that should suggest otherwise, that's not for them to guess.