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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

159 replies

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 07:53

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 07/08/2023 07:57

Better for you not to speak, but to pull completely away. You will heal better if your hopes are not constantly raised by seeing and having contact with him OP.
The rights and wrongs are not the issue, he's doing what he feels he has to do. You need to do the same, take care of you now as a separate person. You'll be okay in time. Best of luck OP.

Whattodo112222 · 07/08/2023 08:01

His ex wife had absolutely no right to go through his phone. She has zero boundaries. Is this someone you really want to be with with an ex wife like this?

Was he divorced from her?

Sending you support. I know it feels horrible now but it'll get better..he's chosen to let his ex wife control him.

Wigglypasta · 07/08/2023 08:01

I'm so sorry this is happening. I think maybe there is more to it than he is telling you and there is still something going on between him and his ex wife. Him saying she looked at his phone while he went to the toilet sounds odd (why would he have left it on the table and not taken it with him in his pocket?) and I think he has fabricated a bit of story to break up with you. Think you are best off out of it.

YoSof · 07/08/2023 08:06

Wigglypasta · 07/08/2023 08:01

I'm so sorry this is happening. I think maybe there is more to it than he is telling you and there is still something going on between him and his ex wife. Him saying she looked at his phone while he went to the toilet sounds odd (why would he have left it on the table and not taken it with him in his pocket?) and I think he has fabricated a bit of story to break up with you. Think you are best off out of it.

I agree something is off with his story. I don’t think he’s telling you the truth.

Either way, if he has made his decision it’s time to focus on you. Don’t meet him, and don’t be friends yet - you’ll end up dragging this out and being even more hurt. I’m sorry you’re going through this x

CurlewKate · 07/08/2023 08:07

Are you absolutely sure you have the full story?

Zanatdy · 07/08/2023 08:07

She sent a photo to her kids of their father’s erect penis? She’s got issues, and that’s illegal too. He needs to speak to his son’s, tell him that he’s moving on and that sexting between two consenting parties is quite normal. Their mother should have never sent that photo, that’s really disgusting

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 08:09

I'm afraid you haven't got the full story.

'Your father is absolutely disgusting.'
'Why, what's he done.'
'He's sent nude photos of himself to his girlfriend.'
'So what? Can I have a biscuit?'

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 08:11

Oh yes, I forgot she'd sent them. Ok, that's kind of worse, the response to that from the children would absolutely have been 'why on Earth have you sent that mum' not to not speak to their father. I'm sorry op, but I don't think it's the reason.

BranchGold · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think this sounds like a tangled web you’re better off out of.

If his version of events is accurate, she sounds completely unhinged and acted criminally in distributing private images (to his bloody children!)

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:12

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed

id hazard a guess they have changed but he doesn’t have the balls to tell you so made up this nonsense story

Darby3785 · 07/08/2023 08:16

I think you are 100% best of out of this
If he is truly her ex husband, snooping in his phone and texting her kids photos of her Dad's nudes that he sends to his girlfriend.....that is crazy!
So what if she's prudish, it's nothing to do with her what two consenting adults get up to.
Now if there is more to it, and she has reasons to go ballistic, her showing their sons the photo is out of order but if there's still a relationship between him and her....then maybe she has her reasons to react in such a way!
Either way OP you deserve better than a man who let's his ex wife control him over his grown up children!

DuckyShincracker · 07/08/2023 08:17

There's unhinged then there's that. What monster would do that to her own sons? I suspect this family is going to be epically messed up and impossible for you to navigate. That said I think he's not split up with her 100% as he's rightly scared of the fallout.

nobodysdaughternow · 07/08/2023 08:26

I think he taken a bit of truth and woven it into self-serving lies.

I would hazard he is still married, his wife suspected he was having an affair and he had to end it.

It is very weird to suggest you 'stay friends'. Sounds like he wants to keep you on the side lines for when his wife starts to trust him again and he can get back to cheating on her.

DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 08:28

She forwarded dick pics to her sons ? She’s a psycho.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 08:30

I do believe him. She has form for being a little morally vindictive, but not with him before. and he doesn’t shy away from telling me the unvarnished truth even when it’s not what I want to hear.

They were round his house booking flights and hotels for his son on his phone. He went to the loo and left his phone on the coffee table. She says she picked it up to see if he had taken any nice ones of the boys at cricket.

He showed me the screenshots from his eldest sons messages to him following his eldest seeing the photos. And his son was horrified, said it was really awful behaviour. and said he didn’t want anymore to do with him. His ex wife is very very prudish and the boys have been very sheltered. Neither has ever had a romantic relationship yet.

They were divorced and it’s her that ended the relationship.

They all knew he was seeing me, as we had all met previously. She didn’t have a problem with him seeing me. But we hadn’t done anything with our kids together yet as it felt too soon.

I think that answers the questions.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:30

DustyLee123 · 07/08/2023 08:28

She forwarded dick pics to her sons ? She’s a psycho.

Oh she didn’t

hes made it up as too spineless to be honest about wanting to break up

oviraptor21 · 07/08/2023 08:31

If you are sure he is telling the truth then I'd be patient. Don't be too hopeful but just bide your time and see how it pans out. See if you can be friends or if it is too painful. And either way, maybe revisit in six months or a year and make a final decision then.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 08:31

She has form for being a little morally vindictive, but not with him before. and he doesn’t shy away from telling me the unvarnished truth even when it’s not what I want to hear.

you have only been with him 6 months oP

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 08:31

if his sons aren’t talking to him over it then it’s highly likely (given how horribly common nudes are in teens) that the issue is how upset their mother is.

which sounds like either their marriage wasn’t as over as he told you, or as over as she’d been led to believe.

It sounds to me like she felt they were still together, or getting back together to be so upset and to snoop in tbt first place.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/08/2023 08:31

But also op - why would she snoop on his phone? With an amicable divorce. And how? It's been two years - how would she even know the password?

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 08:32

Oh and we have mutual friends and met on and off through them. They definitely split up and divorced and moved to separate houses before we got together as I heard about it. My boyfriend was devastated at the time.

but yes from what I gather she was very controlling.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 07/08/2023 08:32

Bloody hell. His ex is completely out of order. Snooping, then sending the photos to their dc? She sounds batshit.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 08:35

I’ve known him and his wife for about twenty years through my friends but just to meet at parties or dinner parties.

I know she was ok about him seeing me because she told my friend she was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 08:44

But I do hear all the advice to walk away. I think I don’t really have a choice.

It doesn’t get any easier as you get older to be heartbroken does it.

OP posts:
DuckyShincracker · 07/08/2023 08:47

This is abuse plain and simple. If the youngest was a shade younger than 18 I'm pretty sure it would have been a criminal offence. Someone actually needs to point out to the Dad his ex is properly abusive and he needs actual help.