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Original poster

Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

159 replies

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 07:53

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

OP posts:
KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 16:35

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:31

Each to their own

but bloody hell i would never be with a man who’d even think of sending me a dick pic. Even if I begged

I agree with that, but this problem is more than just that. The picture (which sounds as if it is a full frontal picture, including face not just him waving his willy - I can't imagine a headless naked photo??) is almost incidental. It's this that's been weaponised by the ex-wife to cause trouble and if there were no pictures, she'd have found some other means to cause trouble. It's about the strength of the relationship and the enmeshment with the family and the ex rather than the photos.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 16:36

I also can't imagine the cringe factor if I had seen a naked picture of my dad. I'd never get it out of my head.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:38

He sent it with consent, so is it really that big a problem?

I came on here today to try and get some advice and support about a break up. Obviously I did get some truly helpful posts.

But now I’m being told that things my partner and I did as consenting adults are unacceptable and that 50 year old bodies (of which I have one) are disgusting.

OP posts:
Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:39

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 16:36

I also can't imagine the cringe factor if I had seen a naked picture of my dad. I'd never get it out of my head.

But I’d be equally perplexed by my mother sharing it

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:39

I wonder if the man got his son to write that message so he could send it to the op as “evidence”

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:40

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:38

He sent it with consent, so is it really that big a problem?

I came on here today to try and get some advice and support about a break up. Obviously I did get some truly helpful posts.

But now I’m being told that things my partner and I did as consenting adults are unacceptable and that 50 year old bodies (of which I have one) are disgusting.

He consented to his ex sending it to his son?! I think not

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:40

No one has said that op

Darkandstormynite · 07/08/2023 16:41

why weren't his naked pictures in Vaulty OP? if his wife can access his pictures then chances are she can access all of them. Why wouldn't he want to protect his own privacy, especially given the content? something just doesn't add up here.

If you've got no issues with your pictures being shared through your social groups it's not really a problem.

But there are a lot of holes in his story tbh.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 16:46

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:38

He sent it with consent, so is it really that big a problem?

I came on here today to try and get some advice and support about a break up. Obviously I did get some truly helpful posts.

But now I’m being told that things my partner and I did as consenting adults are unacceptable and that 50 year old bodies (of which I have one) are disgusting.

It doesn't matter if people think it's unacceptable FOR THEM to do this. I wouldn't do it, but you and he did this with consent.

He should have read the riot act to her and threatened her with the police. The fact he hasn't shows there's too much enmeshment still and he's frightened. As I said earlier, if there weren't any photographs she'd have found another sort of stick.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:49

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:40

He consented to his ex sending it to his son?! I think not

Show quote history

No I consented to him sending me those images.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 07/08/2023 16:50

Don't get bogged down in the debate on here about the naked pics op. Each to their own. You are consenting adults and it's allowed.

What is illegal is her accessing them and forwarding them on. I'd be worried she had access to your pics. I'd be coming down hard on that.

You are allowed a sex life. You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:52

I don’t even think he’d thought about it being illegal in this context until I said that after reading the comments here. I honestly hadn’t thought of that caught in the middle of it.

He normally deletes any photos he sends me , he’s just forgotten to delete. It’s his private phone not synched to any other device. Password protected. Why would he have expected her to look?

OP posts:
Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:54

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:52

I don’t even think he’d thought about it being illegal in this context until I said that after reading the comments here. I honestly hadn’t thought of that caught in the middle of it.

He normally deletes any photos he sends me , he’s just forgotten to delete. It’s his private phone not synched to any other device. Password protected. Why would he have expected her to look?

She knows his password still?

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/08/2023 16:58

He wouldn't and it is a violation. I have stuff on my phone I wouldn't want an ex to see.

It's definitely illegal of her. Plus its extremely questionable about her sending it to her sons.

But his reaction to it was way off. It's embarrassing for his sons but consenting adults having a sex life is allowed. The fact he didn't stick up for you perpetuates that the ex was right.

I'd be telling him in your call that what she's done is actually illegal....

crazeekat · 07/08/2023 16:58

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:31

Each to their own

but bloody hell i would never be with a man who’d even think of sending me a dick pic. Even if I begged

totally not the issue at all. ops not asking ur opinion on the rights and wrongs of sharing pics. each to their own. they were between a couple. not his ex, and not his sons. maybe someeone should send u one, you'd

maybe lighten up a bit.

Darkandstormynite · 07/08/2023 17:07

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:52

I don’t even think he’d thought about it being illegal in this context until I said that after reading the comments here. I honestly hadn’t thought of that caught in the middle of it.

He normally deletes any photos he sends me , he’s just forgotten to delete. It’s his private phone not synched to any other device. Password protected. Why would he have expected her to look?

If its password protected, he must have given her the password in order for her to be able to look through his phone or at least access it.

Sorry to bleat on about this, but its just not making sense.

He has a private phone that he uses to take personal pictures. He wants to maintain his privacy so he makes it password protected. He then gives ex wife the password so she can access his phone?

I'm trying to point out that he's not necessarily trustworthy as he's not telling you everything.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 17:23

Sorry I’m not explaining well.

the photos he had of me he kept in Vaulty. He’d keep any he liked and then one or the other of us would delete them from our (also password protected) chat.

the two photos he’d sent that morning were on his normal photo stream on iPhone. Normally he’d delete them after sending them to me. He forgot.

He was using his phone to book flights sitting on the sofa with her. He got up to go to the loo. She picked up his phone and either it hadn’t locked yet or she used the passcode he’s had forever which she would have known when they were married.

I haven’t changed my password to open my phone in decades and my ex husband could open it at any time if he happened to be near my phone.

im not saying I know for certain he’s telling the truth, of course I don’t. And obviously I’m biased thinking he is, so it’s useful to hear what you think. But this bit makes sense to me (not her behaviour).

OP posts:
Floppyear · 07/08/2023 17:28

This navel hazing isn’t going to help

He has ended it and is o that he won’t change his mind

Furtivefig · 07/08/2023 17:30

What a sleazy, horrible mess… why would you want to get caught up in this. You should be relieved.

Letsbepractical · 07/08/2023 17:32

Can’t believe how this thread got derailed from the original issue the OP asked for support with.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 17:34

Letsbepractical · 07/08/2023 17:32

Can’t believe how this thread got derailed from the original issue the OP asked for support with.

Thank you. I know right.

Now my sex life is sleazy.

I just wanted a bit of support with a painful break up.

OP posts:
Redavocadoes · 07/08/2023 17:39

This sounds really weird.
So basically she sent revenge porn of him to their sons? That's illegal.

But something about this is really very strange. She is either totally unhinged or you don't have the full story. Is the family very religious or something? I don't understand why his teen kids would blame him rather than her.

Redavocadoes · 07/08/2023 17:40

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 09:13

He’s just messaged asking to talk later this morning.

I do get that all I can do is walk away but there are some things I want to say to him.

I don’t feel responsible for pointing out that this was illegal. He’s a grown man and a GP and should know that for himself.

He is a GP? Is she blackmailing him?

hattie43 · 07/08/2023 17:50

What a shocking thing to happen . A holiday is an ideal time to get away and reset .
I agree with others , if what you say is true the ex wife is totally unhinged . I'm sure they'll come a point when her sons hate her vindictiveness. Nothing good can ever come of sending children their fathers dic pics .
I think you'd do well to be out of that family tbh as I don't think this would be the last of things she'd do if she's still like that after 2 yrs

FloydPepper · 07/08/2023 17:54

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:39

I wonder if the man got his son to write that message so he could send it to the op as “evidence”

Jesus

a lot of victim blaming on this thread. The bloke has been violated and people either think he’s making it up, or he was too weak and it’s his own fault. Now he’s getting other people involved in some convoluted plot.

ffs the poor bloke.

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