Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

[Lambzig]

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

What navel gazing? She's asked for support processing an odd and unexpected breakup.

Seems strange to snoop on his phone and send such a thing to his sons. I agree that it seems like something more is going on I know it hurts but it would be better to step away or else I can see this escalating he's not telling the whole truth

I am absolutely horrified at her sending that picture to his sons. There is just no words. Who the actual fuck does she think she is.

If its true, he is spineless. I wonder how it is he needed to sit on a sofa chatting to his 'ex' W about booking flights with their clearly adult sons. I haven't been on holiday with my ds since he turned 18 and started going on his own. That's a natural development of independence, so yes they have been infantalised. But also, I would not be surprised if they are still doing 'family ' holidays, including his ex. You may find she goes with him, hence the joint organising of it. They may be divorced but it looks like they are still more entwined in each others life than is healthy.
As for 2 grown kids, allegedly not being able to make up their own minds on whether to see their DF - well, if true, then all the men in that family have stunted emotional development issues and the ex has control issues. You are better off out of it, it all sounds like a mess and so pathetic that it could be BS, but is equally sad if true.
Unless he and his DC's are capable of cutting the apron strings, there's no hope. This is so extreme, I suspect there have been signs throughout your relationship that they are very much entwined still, such as frequent house visits to the ex and DC rather than them coming to see him.

It’s fine OP. I wish my DH would let me have one but he won’t. He has some he has taken of me kept in a hidden folder on his phone.

It’s far from sleazy OP. I hope you can come back from this. It sounded like you had a good (and fun!) relationship prior to this incident.

Don't meet up with him or speak to him until after your holiday. Message him and tell him that you are going away to think about things and to not contact you whilst you are away. I know you don't want to go now but a change of scene/company will do you good. You can think about whether you still want to be with someone who can break things off so easily. He might not even want to talk about getting back together, it might just be to make sure you don't think of him as the bad guy and don't bad mouth him to all your mutual friends. Don't make yourself too available to him, he's not the perfect guy you thought he was or he wouldn't have upset you like this. I can guarantee he'll try to come crawling back eventually. Whatever the rights and wrongs of what his ex wife has done, it's how he has handled the situation that matters and he has treated you terribly.

Break ups are painful but you've only been seeing him six months so hopefully you can get over this, time will help.

Awwww, poor you.

Sending those pictures to her sons was absolutely despicable and probably would have affected them pretty badly (I bet they'll never forget it).

Give things time to settle down. Things may turn out differently... x

He should report her to the police for sending his photos to his sons. That's malicious revenge porn.

But if he won't do that then you're right. It shouldn't have ended through this. His ex is horrible and his poor children have been harmed by her actions not his.

It's still a criminal offence to distribute someone's private nude photos. Even if the recipient is an adult.

There's clearly more to this than meets the eye but I would say try to distance yourself from it all, there seems to be some very angry players in all of this and your partner seems to be warning you of this.

Hopefully you will meet someone in the future that has a relatively calm background.

Totally irrelevant whether other posters have a preference not to send/receive sexual photos in their own relationships.

If the narrative your partner has given you is true, his ex wife is a horrendous mother and could be arrested if your partner made a complaint to the police. That's his call but my main concern for myself would be that if my partner (in the event the talk he wants to have is about staying together) is not able to assert himself properly with his ex wife and adult children, the relationship would be full of misery for me anyway. It would just be one long slog of ex wife and adult children being bullish and unreasonable, partner complying with everything they want, and me becoming increasingly frustrated by the whole circus.

Only read OP but it sounds like he's lying. What mother would send nude photos to her children, of their dad (or of anyone- but especially of their own parent. Is she mentally unstable? Because this doesn't make sense). Why wouldn't the sons be absolutely disgusted with HER for doing this?

And if he's not lying, why hasn't he called the police? Sharing his nude images with anyone, even if it is their children, is illegal.

As much as it hurts, I think you're better off out of this relationship. Somethings not right. I wouldn't trust him.

He is not going to get the mother of his children arrested. Would people really do that.

He wants to talk before I go away. But I think I need to walk away at this point.

He is not going to get the mother of his children arrested. Would people really do that.*

I probably wouldn't have them arrested, but I would make it clear that it is a criminal offence to do what she did as well as incredibly vicious and completely unacceptable. I would be fucking livid, and I don’t understand why he doesn't seem to be. It appears he is afraid of her. Another reason why you ought to step far away from whatever weird dynamic they have.

OP, I can’t believe the sex-shaming on this thread. Don’t listen to all the crap. Two consenting adults can sext and share photos and play however they like. The only mistake was leaving the phone where someone else could find the photos.

Unfortunately your dp seems dominated by his ex and family. You are probably better off without the mad ex (sending dick pics to her sons just to score a point) and all the drama.

I wish you happiness.

@Ofcourseshecan thank you for that.

I’ve been feeling a bit of shame about it after reading the comments on here. I didn’t think it was sleazy. It didn’t feel wrong at the time. Neither of us had done it before.

OP, please don't feel ashamed, it's fine for adults in a sexual relationship to exchange intimate pics with their partner if they wish. There are some very judgey, prudish posters on here but honestly you have done nothing wrong.
So sorry you are suffering the fallout of this horrible situation initiated by your partners nasty ex, and equally sorry that he has not had the strength of character to stand up to her, but no need at all for you to feel shame. Its up to him to sort it out now and whether you stay friends or not is up to you, but do protect your heart as this kind of contact may be hard to navigate.

No wonder the sons are shocked at nude pictures of dad and dont question their mother, they are still treated like little kids, not allowed screen time when they go to bed, they are grown men. now thats really strange.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of OP. There are some very judgy people commenting here, you had every right to share photos together.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm so shocked that his ex did that, what an incredibly unhinged and vindictive thing to do. It's shame that he has reacted the way he has, I would imagine that he's probably still reeling from the fact that she sent them to his sons. I mean really, you couldn't make that up could you. Why on earth would she do that? I wonder if there is some backstory there, it just doesn't seem like a normal reaction at all.

Of course it's fine to share nude photos between consenting adults. Presumably you've seen each other naked anyway so it's hardly shocking.

It's what the ex did that's awful. I can understand she might have been shocked and upset seeing the photo but utterly bonkers that she sent them to their sons. Sounds like a nasty attempt at revenge or to get him back under her control - which it seems she has succeeded in doing. I can't recall who you said initiated the divorce but whether it was her or not, it sounds like a case of "dog in the manger". That is, she may not want him any more but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. Presumably seeing the photo as familiarity/ intimacy taken too far or perhaps before seeing it, out of sight was out of mind.

Whatever, the break up is his decision, not hers. By making it he is not protecting his sons, just jumping to her tune. Maybe 28 years holds more weight with him than your 6 months OP. Which is odd given it sounded like a great new adventure for you both.

I am sorry you are in this position, it must be heart breaking. Perhaps with time, he will reconsider (if you still want him then).

Ignore the moral outrage over sending nude photos op. There's no shame in it.

This situation ( if entirely true ) looks like the tip of a very weird and unhealthy iceberg. He's more afraid of his adult sons reactions than he is of the bloody lunatic that committed a criminal offence. Why is she even there while he's booking his own holiday with his own sons?

At 6 months a lot of things about new partners start to become apparent, including the reality of their relationships with exes. Many people play down stuff in the beginning for various reasons. Id be willing to bet this isnt her first rodeo on doing something totally inappropriate and yet...she has seemingly remained enough of a fixture in his life to be able to do this.

In your position I wouldnt be restarting a relationship. But I would, for his own sake, be urging him to see the situation with fresh eyes.

2 adults sending private pics to each other. It's nobody else's business. Why the outrage, honestly I don't get it. Do these people turn off the tv if a sex scene comes on ?
I find it so so creepy that a woman would send a photo such as this to their adult sons, even worse that it's their Dad. How to mess with your kids mental health Step 1. She sounds a freak, if that's what she did.
He's told you it's over, I think he's probably saving you a future of drama and angst, since she's not going anywhere anytime soon. I have a friend in a similar position, crazy interfering ex wife on the scene, she had to walk away, it was causing her so much stress.

Two consenting adults giving each other nude pictures of themselves is fine. It's just incredibly risky to send them digitally and I think that does need to be acknowledged. People are rushing to tell you it okay to reassure you and thats great but it does put you in a vulnerable position.

Once you take a picture and send it out, it's there digitally pretty much permanently. Deleted pictures can be restored with the right software. People are very naive with their data. Apps that claim to be securely storing your data are usually backing them up into shared tenancies held on public servers because its cheaper to run. Hacking into these servers isn't that hard. Once you hit send its gone and you no longer have control.

It means you are putting so much trust in someone you are dating and completely believing they would safeguard it for you, which I think it naive in most cases. Though carelessness (in this case if he's telling the truth), spite, revenge, trying to be funny, trying to exert coercive control or whatever these pictures can get shared around publicly. Why do people think the government had to bring in legislation to try to stop it? think about that for a minute. The problem is, once they're shared, whether it leads to a criminal conviction or not, the damage is done.

It's nothing to do with being a prude, it's basic cyber safety and personal self care. People's rush to exert what they can do as consenting adults fails to take into account that they should also keep themselves safe as well. The mental anguish of having your intimate pictures publicly shared and potentially permanently on someone else's device can be horrendous.

The rule of thumb is don't send anything you wouldnt be happy with others seeing, otherwise you put yourself in a very vulnerable position.