Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

[Lambzig]

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

No “outrage” as far as I can see

Just a few posters saying that they find the idea of receiving a dick pic from a 50 year old man they’ve been in a relationship with for 6month or indeed any length of time a bit gross!

You shouldn't. It's odd that people have jumped on that. 2 consenting adults in a relationship sending a few saucy photos in private has zero aspect of sleaze or in appropriateness. Not everyone has to do it but it's hardly shocking.

Thank goodness @Godzillaisjusthangry has saved me the bother of writing any of that. For a GP in particular, to put such an image out there, potentially forever, is just stupid.

Exactly

this wasn’t even a king term relationship. He was flinging dick pics around with someone he barely knew

makes you wander how many other women have been sent dick pics from him

Long term

If what he is saying is true then his reaction sets a precedent and an example to his sons that sending nudes privately to your partner you're in a relationship with is clearly dirty.
Its telling them that distributing them to his kids is acceptable.
Its telling them that their mother did an acceptable thing by sending this to her sons.

I literally cannot believe that he didn't go absolutely mental at her. And then at the very least highlighted it's illegal! She thinks she can blackmail him over this? We he could easily have threatened to go to the police for distributing to their sons. Its absolutely vile.

I'm sorry OP but you really don't have the full story here

OP you are consenting adults and have done nothing wrong or out of the ordinary.

Her behaviour is odd to say the least however he has chosen to end your relationship because of her issues which she has (unforgivably) brought her children into.

He could have sat down with his children and explained to them but instead he has chosen to bolt from you at the first sign of trouble.

You should be furious with him for being so bloody wet, then thankful that he's shown you who he is and what he is capable of so early on.

You can do better tbh. And I'm sure you will

Do not feel ashamed!

It's as if some posters have never seen their partner naked before! What is the difference with a photo? Particularly if you don't live together so aren't seeing each other in bed every night.

I still cannot get my head round her showing explicit images of their Dad to them. Beyond vile and disturbing. If she's capable of that she's capable of anything so I personally wouldn't want involved in that, especially seeing as his sons are over 18 and she's still calling all the shots.

As for 'getting their Mum arrested', she'd be getting herself arrested.

The pictures are really not the issue here. It's irrelevant as to whether people would personally want to send/receive them or not. You do you and there's nothing wrong with it in a relationship.
It does obviously open up the privacy can of worms and everything but that's a whole other rabbit hole. My personal opinion? Assume the world can see it and unless you're happy with that don't do it (because I don't trust online/people/anyone when it comes to shit like that).

The actual issue is that this guy broke up with you because his wife is, let's face it, a complete and utter nut job.

Frankly, I understand your heartache, but think about it in the sense that 6 months is a honeymoon period and he has had a huge part in raising these two boys (who are actually pretty much adults now) and he chose to be married to that lunatic for 28 years.

Down the line, do you think it would have stayed amazing with him? I personally highly doubt it. He sounds like he has absolutely no spine, it sounds like when his ex tells him to jump he says how high, and it sounds like he's raised two kids who are frankly....weird.

It won't feel like it now, but I think that if he's got so little about him that he is going to cave in to his ex wife's nutcase behaviour then you've had a very good indication of what you would have been dealing with once the sparkle had worn off a bit. Who the hell gets that bent out of shape over some dick pics and moreover who the actual f sends them to their teenage children. The woman has a flipping mental disorder if you want my opinion and the further you are away from families like that (which he was part of) the better!!