Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

[Lambzig]

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

If you don’t message I suspect you won’t hear from him again

he sounds spineless op. Making up a story because he doesn’t have balls

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/law-and-courts/society-s/privacy-and-media-s/if-your-intimate-photos-or-videos-are-shared-without-your-consent/#:~:text=It's%20not%20a%20crime%20to,do%20this%2C%20without%20your%20consent.

Sorry OP, that's ^ Scotland! 🤦‍♀️ but: his ex-wife is deranged and this is a classic abuse tactic.

He’s just messaged asking to talk later this morning.

I do get that all I can do is walk away but there are some things I want to say to him.

I don’t feel responsible for pointing out that this was illegal. He’s a grown man and a GP and should know that for himself.

This is so abusive on so many levels. There is nothing wrong with sending intimate pictures and the sons should realise this. I doubt two young lads would be able to say they have never done the same. The man needs to take a stand and say to his sons I have done nothing wrong it is your mother who is in the wrong. She looked on my private phone and found something she didn't like. It feels like the mother is using this to her advantage to get him to not have a relationship. I can understand why you feel the way you do and it's even tougher because you can't make the him take this stance. I don't think I'd be able to leave it without voicing this opinion to him at least. Maybe just try and hope that things calm down and this blows over?

Tbh I think you're better off without him. He was too weak to stand up to his wife and now she has shown her true colours, do you really want this spectre hanging over for the rest of your life?

Yes you’re right. She was a bit controlling when they were together (28 years). He wasnt allowed to go out for evenings as that was family time and wasn’t allowed to go out with friends without her. Bottom line is he’s made his choice.

But god it’s tough. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost 8lbs since Wednesday.

She sounds like a complete nutcase, sending photos like that to her own children. You are probably well out of that situation.

I’m more surprised that his older ds is refusing to speak to him because of some nude pictures.

Now I’m sure no child (even as an adult) would want to know about his dad sex life.
Nor do I think sending those photos to them was ok!!

But I’m wondering what the ex said to the children (your dad is a pervert who send dick pictures?).

This sounds like total nonsense, certainly fishy. If it's true then she should be having a visit from the police. Imagine an ex husband doing this. Snooping his ex wife's phone, becoming outraged and then sending her explicit photos to the kids. It's abuse.

I’ve seen from his sons messages that she did send it. But I don’t know what she said to her sons.

thank you all for the advice.

I’ve seen enough conversations on screenshot from his sons and from his ex wife to know that it’s true.

But the points you’ve made about him being weak are really valid. He’s absolutely thrown me under the bus here at the first difficulty. He could have said sorry I can’t see you til this calms down. Or give me a bit of space. Or let me sort it out with my sons. (we are both going on separate holidays for two weeks from Thursday).

But he chose just to ditch me.

thanks for hearing me too. My best friend that I’d normally talk about these things with is the ‘mutual friend’ and I don’t want to drag her into it.

This is so warped. He needs to grow a spine and the sons need to go over themselves. Their mother did something unforgivable.

Does he have older kids apart from these 2?

If this is all true, you really don't want to be involved with this bloke. He's enmeshed with his wife and his children have poor boundaries and have been infantilised.

This is not all his ex's fault - he is culpable too.

His wife, and sons, are completely out of order. What happens between him and another consenting adult are absolutely none of their concern.
However, they are his kids. While I want to say he should have stood his ground with them, I can't be certain I'd do that myself.
Walk away with your head held high. You've had a good time, be sad that it's over by all means, but you don't "need" him, and you will be ok if you give yourself time. The holiday sounds like perfect timing!

Very very strange reaction from them though. Would really have thought that they'd just be upset with their mum for burning that image into their minds for the rest of their lives!

I'm possibly two relationships ahead of you op, so I'll tell you my story in the hope that it helps.

Similar to you, I'm divorced after 20 year marriage, similar age, happily single often but I've also had 2 x 6 month ish relationships.

They were both AWESOME. A billion times better than relationships I had in my twenties, a billion times better than my marriage. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because you know what you want, the confidence is so high so the sex is so much better. Also you don't 'need' to be in a relationship, you simply want to be, so your boundaries are high.

Anyway, it's better. So much better.

But here's where the problem is - that's the norm. We're all in the same boat, possibly years of a miserable marriage. And then comes this.

And you think it's magic, and destiny and your soul mate. I went too deep with my first one too quickly, because it was so much better than I'd ever experienced. Scared him off really.

I think my point is that my experience is that relationships are generally so much better in your fifties than twenties, so it's easy to get carried away that this is the one.

This family sounds totally nuts. I’m sorry you’re hurting but honestly I think you’re better off far away from this drama. The ex-wife sounds totally unhinged, and the sons sound like they too are controlled by Mum.

No older children.

I do think the boys have been infantilised. By both of them. For example when they are with him they still aren’t allowed to have screens in their bedrooms at night. Neither have dated (which he puts down to going to an all boys school. His relationship with his kids seemed lovely - they do lots together, he’s going on holiday with them this week.

ohhh, it’s not my concern.

I just think I need to accept I’m not going to be in a relationship again. I thought that when my marriage ended but I’d hoped things might work out with him. But I’m too old for this.

By GP did you mean doctor not Grandparent?

I hope the pain lessens soon, OP. It's not easy but you're better off out of this one.

Good luck.

He and you were in a consenting adult relationship. She has no right to look at his phone and it is abhorrent that she forwarded them to the sons and involved them.

She's shaming him for having a sexual relationship. What he has done by throwing you under a bus is confirm to the sons that what he was doing was wrong. Which it wasn't. He should have talked to the sons. You did nothing wrong.

It was easier to dump you than it was to deal with this sensibly and properly.

I wonder if his ex twisted the truth and made them believe thst those pictures were unsolicited!

End of the day if you have children with someone it often gives them precedent as really you will always be a family with that person.

He's chosen his family. Sorry but he was never yours. He's made his choice. It's not the wrong reason. It's his reason.

I think they all sound weird to be honest but just move onto someone who doesn't have an ex wife who looks at their knob then tells her sons about it and the sons then blame their dad for having a knob. Leave them to it!

Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't be having any kind of relationship with a man who sends dick picks to anyone ! Dick pick ick...

I wonder if they've been talking about getting back together again.

He's thrown you away so quickly OP he really didn't value the relationship as much as you did. Forget all the snooping and texting, the reality is he didn't want to fight for your relationship. That tells you everything you need to know about him and his character.

You've probably saved yourself many years of heartbreak here, as painful it is now.

Don't let him keep you on an emotional dog lead. Only there for when he feels like he can give you some time. He may try to keep you as 'a friend' but would a friend dump.and run at the first sign of trouble?