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Original poster

Relationship ended for what feels like the wrong reason

159 replies

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 07:53

I am really struggling with a break up and I don’t know what to do. I expect because there’s nothing that I can do.

I had been with my boyfriend for six months. Which I know isn’t very long but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I had really fallen for him.

Both of us ended very long marriages two years ago reasonably amicably (we thought) and are divorced. I am 53 he’s 50. We had known each other a few years through mutual friends and had always got on well. We agreed to have a coffee when we found we were in the same city and things just grew from there.

It’s been an incredible six months. It felt like we were true kindred spirits. I have never had a relationship like it, the intimacy, the incredible sex but also the support he gave me through a difficult time at work, the deep conversations, the physical closeness. It was so lovely. He said the same. We were in the early stages of love and had talked about lots of future plans, maybe moving in next year, a holiday at Christmas, etc.

Then last week his ex wife and him met up to discuss things for their youngest sons gap year and while he went to the loo she snooped on his phone and found intimate (just nudes with an erection, nothing awful) photos he had sent me. Neither of us really understand why this upset her so much, from what I’ve been told she is very prudish, but she went absolutely ballistic, saying it was disgusting. She sent the photos to her sons (18 and 20) saying see what sort of father you have.

His eldest son is very upset and currently not speaking to him.

We had still been messaging, he said I was being incredibly supportive but I was giving him some space to deal with it.

He called me two days ago to say sorry, that he has to end it because he can’t risk losing his sons and his ex has said if he ends this disgusting relationship she will help him with his children. But otherwise she thinks he will be a bad influence. I tried to persuade him not to break up ( I think I practically begged at one point), but he says although he’s going to be really unhappy without me, we just both just have to accept this.

In that call it felt like I was already in the past tense for him, he was very rational and calm and the shutters had gone down.

I could cope if it was that he didn’t want to see me anymore because his feelings have changed but this feels so utterly awful. I just want him back.

I suppose I have to accept that he had a choice but he didn’t choose me. But it seems so wrong to break up over this.

I keep hoping he’ll change his mind because I know he felt what I felt. He suggested we let the dust settle and talk again today, he also said he’d like if there was any way possible for us to be friends.

I’ve been devastated, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to be going on holiday on Thursday and I don’t want to go.

I am heartbroken and I could really do with some advice about what to say or do when we speak.

OP posts:
KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 15:19

@Lambzig Were there pictures on his phone that you sent him? Has the ex sent those to her kids too?

Darkandstormynite · 07/08/2023 15:21

One thing that occurs to me OP, if he shared intimate pictures with you, did you send anything to him? if so, chances are the Ex may have copies of those too and she sounds like she wouldn't hesitate to use them. You need to be really sure she doesn't have anything that could be detrimental to you as well.

This is why it's never a good idea to share pics like this and nothing to do with being a prude. Once they're sent you have literally zero control over who sees them, no matter what your current partner says.

Letsbepractical · 07/08/2023 15:26

Dear OP - firstly, I’m sorry that you are hurting so much now but it WILL pass. It may take time, but it will.
Secondly, this man has shown you his weak character early on. Good! You won’t waste your time on him. Please move on, a relationship with a man like him will result in low self esteem and constant anxiety. I’m speaking from experience- I gave my ex too many chances only for him to constantly throw our relationship under the bus because of his fear of his ex and his children. That’s a no way to live.
Other than that - he was great - super intelligent, funny, loving etc. But it all means NOTHING if a man doesn’t value YOU.
Run (even if your heart is broken).

Kic · 07/08/2023 15:30

His relationship with his kids seemed lovely - they do lots together, he’s going on holiday with them this week.

Interesting timing that he's breaking up with you just before the holiday. Is the ex going too?

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 15:33

I’m a bit surprised about the reaction to the photos. We enjoyed it, consenting adults and all that. But I get that’s not for everyone.

She didn’t see anything I had sent.

I have said I can’t talk to him on the phone today. That I will want to at some point but that it’s not yet. That if he needs me to know anything he can message me for now.

Im feeling a little more together than I did this morning.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/08/2023 15:33

She sent photos of their kids dad with his dick out to her actual kids? I'd be ringing the police me.

It doesn't sound right and he's lying to you. Nobody does that Hmm

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 15:34

Kic · 07/08/2023 15:30

His relationship with his kids seemed lovely - they do lots together, he’s going on holiday with them this week.

Interesting timing that he's breaking up with you just before the holiday. Is the ex going too?

No. She isn’t. She’s going away the week after with some friends.

it’s a sailing holiday and she wouldn’t have gone even when they were together.

OP posts:
GuinnessBird · 07/08/2023 15:46

He should be reporting his wife to the police.

She sent photos of his erect penis to his children and he's brushing it off? That sounds all kind of disturbing and he needs to report her.

MerryMarigold · 07/08/2023 15:46

I just can't get over the fact she sent pictures of their Dad's erection to her children - adult or not. I can't get past that! It horrifies me. What kind of parent does that? If he can't see that she's utterly unhinged, and he's enabling her, then he's not someone you can respect or love.

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 15:49

BranchGold · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think this sounds like a tangled web you’re better off out of.

If his version of events is accurate, she sounds completely unhinged and acted criminally in distributing private images (to his bloody children!)

I agree.

His ex is a real piece of work.

No man is worth this kind of drama in your life.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

crazeekat · 07/08/2023 15:54

op i really feel for u. i'm assuming e erytbi g u have said is right and if it is the heartbreak is horrible, especially at night.
look his ex is unhinged and had no business doing what she did. absolute cow.
i thinks she's more not happy with u that she let on about.
in the meantime u really need to go on that holiday. u need some time alone to get a distraction. u are in love and it fucking hurts. but u must think of yourself.
themis man can be with you if he really wants and i get his kids come first but they are young adults now and the pics were totally none of their business. he and u did nothing wrong. but now u need to

dd
ftake a step back, let him be a big boy and t

Darkandstormynite · 07/08/2023 15:55

She didn’t see anything I had sent.

I'm guessing this is what he has told you, but he doesn't really know for sure. Plus, you don't really know what she's sent to herself. He may just not be telling you everything because he doesn't want to make you angry or upset. I don't want to alarm you but you need to have a think about this. He still has those picture on his phone and his children may go snooping in the future. Who knows.

This is why, despite you saying its okay we enjoyed it and we're consenting adults, which is true of course, it also makes you so vulnerable. Which is principally why there are laws protecting the distribution of these images.

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 07/08/2023 15:57

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 13:04

I think this is part of it too.

Show quote history

If I were him I'd be putting the fear of god into her that he's considering going to the police, and that if she continues to use the images as leverage that's exactly what he'll do.

Frogmila · 07/08/2023 15:59

She is abusive, controlling and has violated both her sons and their father. Sending nude photos of their parent to anyone is utterly sick. He should report her to the police.

I think you're well off out of this mess but would be inclined to hear him out (at such a time that suits you) as he was put in a horrible position by this woman, and I have no idea how i would have reacted in his shoes. At the least you will may be able to draw a line under things in a less unsettling way for you.

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:03

The only photos he had of me were kept in Vaulty which requires a different password. And honestly they weren’t that explicit, just me in my underwear and I don’t think I’d care too much about that.

I have taken on your comments about how what she did is illegal and abuse, and said that to him, but it’s not my place to tell him what he should do.

He may be lying, I can’t know that though.

OP posts:
Busubaba · 07/08/2023 16:05

Put yourself in the ex wife's shoes.

If she still has feelings for him she would be upset at finding nudes on his phone. You wanting to be sent photos of a fifty year old penis deserves its own thread.

I highly doubt she would send them to her children.

I think it's a load of made up nonsense on his part.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/08/2023 16:08

The only reason the ex saw them was because she was on his phone, which she had no business being.

Boggles the mind why the man didn't put the dick pics in the vault or whatever or deleted them after sending, but that's separate.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:20

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:03

The only photos he had of me were kept in Vaulty which requires a different password. And honestly they weren’t that explicit, just me in my underwear and I don’t think I’d care too much about that.

I have taken on your comments about how what she did is illegal and abuse, and said that to him, but it’s not my place to tell him what he should do.

He may be lying, I can’t know that though.

As I say - don’t message him and see if he ever gets back in contact

Frogmila · 07/08/2023 16:21

Busubaba · 07/08/2023 16:05

Put yourself in the ex wife's shoes.

If she still has feelings for him she would be upset at finding nudes on his phone. You wanting to be sent photos of a fifty year old penis deserves its own thread.

I highly doubt she would send them to her children.

I think it's a load of made up nonsense on his part.

What? Even if she was upset then it isn't her business and forwarding them to the children was the despicable bit.

And what's with the ageism? OP is in her 50s too, whose knob should she be wanting to look at?

Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:23

Is it really that awful to like seeing a photo of your boyfriend naked? It wasn’t just his dick, it was all of him.
(I feel this has been given way too much prominence)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:26

And the first message his son sent him said

“Mum has just shown me the photos you’ve been taking. I’m disgusted”

So whether you believe it or not she’s either sent or shown him something.

OP posts:
MissJoGrant · 07/08/2023 16:27

Busubaba

"You wanting to be sent photos of a fifty year old penis deserves its own thread."

What judgy and horrible thing to say. Ffs.

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/08/2023 16:27

Lambzig · 07/08/2023 16:23

Is it really that awful to like seeing a photo of your boyfriend naked? It wasn’t just his dick, it was all of him.
(I feel this has been given way too much prominence)

Personally, it's the last thing I would want and if a partner did that I would consider ending the relationship because it's just not in my orbit. That's not the issue here though is it. You do you, and all that. It might also be argued that if you hadn't shared these photos, there wouldn't be an issue.

However I think there would, and it has actually exposed the weak character of this guy in not standing up to her and she's weaponised the pictures to exert more and more control. That's the real issue. If it wasn't the photos, then something else would have kicked off down the line.

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:31

Each to their own

but bloody hell i would never be with a man who’d even think of sending me a dick pic. Even if I begged

GuinnessBird · 07/08/2023 16:34

Floppyear · 07/08/2023 16:31

Each to their own

but bloody hell i would never be with a man who’d even think of sending me a dick pic. Even if I begged

Why is this such a problem? The OP sent him photos too.